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THE 

o 

FDNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


JE. isro"VEXi. 



GEORGE YELLOTT. 


/» 



PHILADELPHIA: 

J. B. LIPPI NCOTT & CO. 
1872 . 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by 
J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS. 


CHAPTER I. 

“My great-grandfather was a philosopher, and why 
should not his descendants be allowed the privilege of 
cogitating for themselves? I tell you that Sir Isaac 
Newton was mistaken. There is no such thing as the 
attraction of gravitation.^^ 

This was said by Toney Belton, a young lawyer, in 
reply to his friend Tom Seddon, a junior member of the 
same profession. 

They were seated on the veranda of a hotel in the 
town of Bella Vista, gazing at the starry heavens ; and 
Tom had made some remark about the wonderful revela- 
tions of science. 

“ What a pity it is, Toney Belton, that you are not a 
subject of her Majesty of England. Your extraordinary 
discovery would entitle you to the honors of knighthood, 
and we might read of a Sir Anthony Belton as well as 
of a Sir Isaac Newton. But how will you demonstrate 
to the world that there is no such thing as the attraction 
of gravitation ?’’ 

“ Demonstrate it, Tom Seddon ! Why, I can make it 
as plain as the proboscis on the countenance of an ele- 
phant.’^ 

“ Do you mean to say that bodies do not fall to the 
earth by the power of attraction ?” 

“That is precisely what I mean. I assert that a 
heavy body mav fall upward as well as downward.” 

“Ha, ha, ha!” 

“As the old Greek said. Strike, but hear, so I say, Laugh, 
but listen. Will you allow me to suppose a case ?” 

1 * ( 5 ) 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


That is the privilege of all philosophers. The cos- 
mology of the Oriental sage would have fallen into the 
vast vacuity of space had he not brought to its support 
a hypothetical foundation. Proceed with your demon- 
stration.’^ 

“Suppose, then, that an immense well should be dug 
from the surface of the American continent entirely 
through the earth. We will not stop to inquire into the 
possibility of such an excavation, but, will suppose that 
the work has been accomplished.” 

“Be it so. Your well has been dug, and extends en- 
tirely through the earth, from the United States of 
America to the Celestial Empire. What then ?” 

“ Suppose that Clarence Hastings should be walking 
home about twelve o’clock at night. It would then be 
broad daylight in the dominions of his Majesty the 
Brother of the Sun and the Cousin of the Moon, and 
the Celestials would be picking tea-leaves or parboiling 
puppies. Suppose, I say, that Clarence should be walking 
home after having spent the last four or five hours in the 
delightful society of the lovely Claribel. Now, it is highly 
probable that Clarence would be gazing upward at the 
lunar orb and meditating a sonnet.” 

“Nay; Harry Vincent is the sonneteer. I verily 
believe that he has dedicated a little poem of fourteen 
lines to nearly every visible star in the heavens, and 
solemnly swears in the most mellifluous verses that none 
of them are half so bright as the eyes of the bewitching 
Imogen.” 

“ Let it be Harry Vincent, then, who is walking home 
and making his astronomical observations with a view to 
the disparagement of the stars, when brought in com- 
parison with the optical orbs of his lady-love. We will 
suppose that he is gazing at yonder star which is now 
winking at us, as if it heard every word of our conversa- 
tion. He would take but little heed to his footsteps 
while his gaze was fixed upon the star and his thoughts 
were w-andering away' to Imogen. As he exclaimed, 
‘ Oh, Imogen I thine eyes exceed in brightness all the 
glittering gems that bespangle the garments of the glori- 
ous night,’ he would tumble into the well.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, 


t 


“Ha, lia, ha I Good-bj, Harry.” 

“ Would he not rapidly descend ?” 

“ I should think that he would.” 

“ Would he stop falling when there was no bottom to 
the well ?” 

“ It is impossible to suppose that he would.” 

“ Then he would fall entirely through the well and 
would be falling upward when he issued frqm the other 
end, and our worthy antipodes, the tea-pickers, would 
open their eyes in amazement, and their pig-tails would 
stand erect when they beheld the handsome Harry 
Yiucent falling upward, and heard him loudly exclaiming, 
* Oh, Imogen I’ and he would continue to fall upward 
until he was intercepted by the earth’s satellite and 
became the guest of the man in the moon.” 

“A most delightful abode for a romantic lover. But, 
as you do not believe in the attraction of gravitation, 
what have you to say about the attraction of love ?” 

“ The attraction of love ? Another of your delusions, 
Thomas. Now, if you had ever seen my definition of 
love, in the dictionary which I have in manuscript, and 
intend to publish some day when Noah Webster shall 
have become obsolete, you would not talk of attraction in 
that connection.” 

“ What is your definition of love ?” 

“ Love is a state of hostility between two persons of 
opposite sexes.” 

“ Of hostility ?” 

“ Yes ; in which each belligerent endeavors to subju- 
gate the other, regardless of the sufferings inflicted.” 

“ This is as queer a paradox as that in relation to the 
possibility of a man falling upward.” 

“ No paradox at all, but a most obvious truth. There 
is Claribel Carrington, who looks like an innocent and 
enchanting little fairy.” 

“ She is superbly beautiful, and Clarence Hastings 
would barter his existence for a soft, kindly glance from 
her deep blue eye. They are in love with one another, 
that is evident.” 

“And being in love, hostilities have commenced ; and, 
if I mistake not, the war will be conducted by the lady 


8 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


with unexampled barbarity. When we enter the ball- 
room to-night, you will perceive this angelic creature 
inflicting more torture on poor Clarence than a pitiless 
savage inflicts with his scalping-knife on his victim ; and 
all because she is dead in love with him, and he with her.’^ 

“Toney Belton, you deserve to have your eyes scratched 
out by a bevy of beautiful damsels for your disparaging 
opinion of tlje last best gift.’’ 

“ Let them scratch ; for women are like cats.” 

“ Like cats ?” 

■ “ There is a striking similitude between them ; and 
when a man with a pulpy brain and a penetrable bosom 
falls into the hands of a beautiful and fascinating woman, 
he is much in the condition of an unfortunate mouse in 
the paws of a remorseless pussy. Indeed, nearly all 
truly faithful and devoted lovers have to undergo an 
ordeal like that of the helpless captive in feline clutches. 
The cruel cat will at one moment pat her victim softly 
on the head, and fondle it with the utmost affection, as if 
it were the most precious treasure she had in the world ; 
she will apparently repent of her intention to hold it in 
captivity, and will permit it to escape and run half-way 
over the floor, when, with a sudden spring, she will 
pounce upon it again and hold it fast, regardless of its 
squeals for mercy. Just so with a pretty woman and her 
lover. Next to a tabby cat, the most remorseless and 
cruel creature in the world is a woman who has a man 
completely in her power. Indeed, there is so great a 
congeniality of disposition between the female sex and the 
feline species that maidens, when they become elderly 
and are not otherwise occupied, almost invariably take 
to nursing cats, — -there being a mysterious affinity which 
draws them together.” 

“ Do you want me to believe that a woman will not 
marry a man until she has first tortured the soul out of 
him, and made him utterly miserable ? Why, they say 
that marriages are made in heaven.” 

“In heaven they may be made, Thomas; but, if so, 
they are caught on the horns of the moon as they are 
coming down ; for I tell you that hardly any woman ever 
marries the right man, and hardly any man ever marries 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


9 


the right woman. You have only to open your eyes 
and you will perceive this without the aid of an opera- 
glass ” 

“ My observations have led me to no such conclusions.’’ 

“ Have you never observed, oh, most sagacious Thomas, 
that no pretty woman ever had an adorer without wish- 
ing to torment him with a rival ? And is it not a singu- 
lar fact that she usually selects some male animal to 
occupy that position who is in every respect the inferior 
of the worthy man whom she is endeavoring to drive to 
distraction ? Does she not take every occasion to in (late 
the vanity of him whom she cares nothing about, and to 
humiliate the man whom she really loves ? Now, there 
are Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood, — they 
are both pretty women.” 

“Pretty I They are both surpassingly beautiful, 
though not at all alike ! — the former a blonde, with deep 
blue eyes and golden tresses; the latter a brunette, with 
locks as dark as a feather fallen from the wings of night, 
and black eyes, from which Cupid, who continually lurks 
under the long lashes, borrows the barbs for the arrows 
with which he mortally wounds multitudes of unlucky 
swains.” 

“Do not be poetical, Thomas. Pray take your foot 
from the stirrup and dismount before Pegasus carries 
you to the clouds, and you lose an opportunity of listen- 
ing to plain, sensible prose. Each one of these young 
ladies has a devoted lover.” 

“ You may well say devoted ; for if Claribel or Imo- 
gen were to wish for an icicle from the end of the North 
Pole with which to cool a lemonade, either Harry Vin- 
cent or Clarence Hastings would hurry thither and slip 
off into the unfathomable abyss of space in a desperate 
attempt to obtain it.” 

“ Your imagination is both hyperborean and hyper- 
bolical. But let us return from the North Pole to the 
ladies. Claribel loves Clarence, and Imogen Harry, and 
yet neither will marry the man she loves.” 

“And why not, oh, prophet?” 

“ Because no pretty woman ever does. Each lady will 
select some nonentity of the masculine gender, and ex- 


10 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


pect her lover to enter into a contest of rivalry. Each 
gentleman will decline the contest.” 

“ Why so 

“ I know them both. Each is a proud man, and has 
an abundance of self-respect. No daughter of Eve can 
comprehend a proud man, though every woman knows 
how to manage a vain one to perfection. Although 
either Harry or Clarence would, as you say, go to the 
North Pole in obedience to the wishes of the woman he 
adores, neither of them will consent to humiliation for her 
sake. She will persist in her course, and will ultimately 
find herself abandoned by her lover. Then, after a few 
years ” 

“ Well, what after a few years 

“You will behold the once fairy-like Claribel a ma- 
tron of robust proportions, married to a plain man, who 
made her an offer in a business-like manner.” 

“ And Clarence ?” 

“ A bald-headed man, who, having worked like a 
beaver and made a large fortune, is enjoying it with a 
wife who is as ugly as sin, but is a most excellent man- 
ager of his domestic affairs.” 

“ Toney, when do you intend to publish your book of 
prophecies ?” 

“ A prophet has no honor in his own country. But, 
do you not hear the sound of music in the ball-room ? 
Let us go in, — 


On with the dance! let joy be unconfined, 

No sleep till morn when Youth and Pleasure meet 
To chase the glowing hours with flying feet.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


11 


CHAPTER 11. 

In one of the border States of the South, in the midst 
of a romantic scenery, is situated the village of Bella 
Yista. Being connected by railway with a number of 
populous towns, it had become a place of resort during 
the season of summer for persons who desired to ex- 
change the sultry atmosphere of cities for the cool breezes, 
shady groves, and pure fountains of this delightful re- 
treat. 

In the village had been erected a commodious hotel, 
which, during the months of summer, was filled with 
guests. The proprietor, desirous of contributing to the 
enjoyment of his patrons, had arranged for semi-weekly 
hops, which were attended not only by the inmates of 
the hotel, but by families from the village and from the 
surrounding country. 

The two young lawyers, Toney Belton and Tom Sed- 
don, the former a resident of the town of Mapleton, in 
an adjoining county of the State, and the latter a citizen 
of Bella Yista, entered the ball-room soon after the 
musicians had sounded a prelude to the poetry of motion. 
As they moved through the crowd they were met by a 
handsome young man who extended his hand to each. 

“ Why, Clarence, my dear fellow,” said Toney, “ I am 
glad to see you. What I are you not dancing ? Where 
is the lovely Miss Carrington ? You will be accused 
of ” 

The young man turned hastily away before Toney 
could complete the sentence; and the next moment he 
was seen standing in a corner of the room gazing at a 
beautiful girl with an indescribable look of indignation. 
The young lady was apparently listening to an ill-favored 
man who was talking to her with immense volubility. 
She smiled very pleasantly on her uncomely admirer 
and never once looked at Clarence Hastings. 

“ Just as I told you,” said Toney. “ Hostilities have 
already commenced. Look at Clarence Hastings yonder I 


12 


THE FUNNY FIIILOSOPIIERS, 


He has a small thunder-cloud on his brow, and is direct- 
ing the lightning from his eyes in incessant flashes at the 
cruel Claribel.” 

“I was observing him,” said Seddon. “What is the 
matter with the man ? He looks as if he were meditating 
homicide, or suicide, or something of the sort. What has 
Claribel done to him ?” 

“ Declined to dance with him, I suppose. See I she 
has selected one of the most fascinating men in the room 
to be his rival.” 

“ The man she was just talking to, and with whom 
she is now dancing ? He a rival of the handsome 
Clarence Hastings? Why, he is as ugly as a Hindoo 
idol ! Who is he ? What is his name ?” 

“ Botts — Ned Botts. He lives in my town, whence 
he has just arrived in company with Sam Perch, William 
Wiggins, and M. T. Pate, Esq., the latter a distinguished 
lawyer of Mapleton. These four gentlemen are here on 
a lady-killing expedition. General Taylor has recently 
disposed of a multitude of Mexicans at Buena Yista, 
and my fellow-townsmen expect to make great havoc at 
Bella Yista.” 

“That ungainly creature a lady-killer? And yet, by 
Jove! Claribel smiles on him as if she really admired 
him. Who is this man Botts?” 

“ He is the ugly man who once tried to run away from 
his own shadow. Did you never hear the story ?” 

“No. How was it ?” 

“ Botts had been with a number of boon-companions 
at a tavern in Mapleton, and had put himself in an ab- 
normal condition by the consumption of a considerable 
quantity of fluids. As you see, he is no Adonis when 
sober ; but when inebriated, his ugly visage would en- 
danger the safety of a mirror at the distance of twelve 
paces. In the afternoon he was standing in the street 
alone when he happened to see his own shadow, and was 
so startled by its unexampled ugliness that he made a 
tremendous leap to the right. The hideous apparition 
made a dart after him. Botts jumped to the left; but 
the frightful spectre sprang at him again.” 

“ Ha, ha, ha I Toney, you will murder me !” 


OR AND SWEETHEARTS. 


13 


“Botts had often heard that drunken men would some- 
times have delirium tremens, and see devils. He 
thought delirium was coming on him, and that his ugly 
shadow w^as a fiend.” 

“No wonder ! no wonder I What did he do 

“ He uttered a yell that set all the dogs in the town 
to barking, and took to his heels up the street. Each 
time he looked around he beheld a horrible devil follow- 
ing him, and at the sight he would give another yell, 
and redouble his efforts to escape. Soon half the men 
and bovs in the town were after him. Away went 
Botts, and brought up at a doctor’s shop. He fell on 
the floor in a fit, and it was a long time before he could 
be restored to consciousness. His ugly shadow had 
nearly been the death of him.” 

“And you will be the' death of me, if you tell any 
more such stories. But who is that large man, with 
the bald head, who is jumping about among the dancers 
with a bunch of flowers in his hand ? He has no partner 
but seems to be exercising his legs in sympathy witn 
those who are really dancing. No I I was mistaken, — 
he has a partner, but the lady’s pretty figure is so small 
that I could only see the top of her head, which is 
covered with scarlet verbenas and a profusion of roses; 
and I was under the illusion that the big man was going 
it alone with a magnificent bouquet in his grasp. Toney, 
do tell me, who is that man? He seems to be a great 
admirer of beauty, and has been flitting about among the 
ladies like a large bumble-bee in search of the sweetest 
and most delicious flowers.” 

“ That is M. T. Pate, a distinguished lawyer, an 
eloquent orator, an able writer, a profound thinker, and 
the prince of lady-killers. He is possessed of a very 
original genius, and has recently written a remarkable 
pamphlet, in which is demonstrated the possibility as 
well as the immense importance of draining the Atlantic 
Ocean, and converting its rich alluvial bottoms into cul- 
tivated corn-fields.” 

“ How does he propose to accomplish this stupendous 
undertaking?” 

“ By constructing a number of enormous steam-pumps 
2 


14 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


at the Isthmus of Panama, and forcing the water into 
the PaciftCi He says that when this great work is once 
accomplished, the inexhaustible soil now lying entirely 
useless under the water will afford a comfortable support 
for countless millions of men; and that the incalculable 
amount of gold, silver, and precious jewels which have 
gone down in the vast number of vessels that have 
foundered at sea will more than defray the cost of this 
magnificent enterprise. Pate has sent a copy of his 
pamphlet to the learned professors of one of our universi- 
ties, who now have it under consideration. In the mean 
while he has abundant leisure to devote himself to the 
ladies, by whom he is much admired. But, Tom, has not 
Wiggins caused you to become acquainted with the 
green-eyed monster 

“ Who is Wiggins ?” 

“ The man who is dancing with pretty Ida Somers. 
He has devoted himself to her during the entire evening. 
Beware of jealousy, Tom ! Let there not be a demand 
for coffee and pistols in the morning.” 

“ Pshaw ! Nonsense, Toney ! Ida and I are good 
friends — nothing more — when old Crabstick, her uncle, 
will allow us to talk to one another — which is but seldom. 
But is Wiggins the individual with the enormous red 
nose 

“The same. You have a formidable rival, Tom. In 
my town he is admired for his comeliness, and is known 
by the name of Rosebud.” 

“ A curious name for one of the masculine gender I 
How did he acquire it?” 

“ Why, it seems that on a sultry day in June, this 
worthy citizen having done ample honors to the god of 
the grape, was reposing under a tree on a fragrant bed 
of clover, when an industrious bee, foraging among the 
flowers, espied his crimsom proboscis, and supposing it 
to be a Bourbon rose, alighted upon it, in the vain expec- 
tation of extracting honey for the hive. While the busy 
insect was endeavoring to distill sweets from this ex- 
traordinary nose, the sleeper became conscious of a tickling 
sensation, and shook his head in disapproval of the futile 
attempt; whereat the irritable little creature darted out 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


15 


its sting, and Wiggins leaped up with an outcry and 
vigorously rubbed his nasal protuberance. This scene 
was witnessed by some wags, who were convulsed with 
laughter. The nose soon began to swell, and, becoming 
more deeply crimson, it looked like a rose about to 
'burst into full bloom. Since his nap among the clover, 
Wiggins has been called Rosebud by his boon-compan- 
ions.” 

“ By Jove ! what a magnificent woman I” 

This exclamation was uttered in a half whisper by 
Seddon as a tall, dark-eyed woman, with a beauty that 
baffled description, moved across the room, with fifty 
pair of eyes following her in admiration. 

“Imogen Hazlewood ?” said Belton. 

“ Poor Harry I” said Seddon. 

“ He is deserving of your sympathy,” said Toney. 
“ Look ! he is now approaching her with the awe and 
timidity of a man about to converse with a goddess, such 
as we used to read of in the classic hexameters of Ovid or 
Yirgil. Oh, dea certa I It won’t do, Tom I it won’t do I” 

“ What won’t do ?” 

“ For a man to let a woman see that he is dead in love 
with her. ‘ What careth she for hearts when once pos- 
sessed ?’ Not a fig. Torn! not a fig. Carry your love 
about you like a concealed weapon. Don’t let her know 
anything about it until you pop the question. Pop it at 
her when she don’t expect it, and she will fall into your 
arms as if she had received a pistol-shot, — 

Do proper homage to thine idol’s eyes, 

But not too humbly, or she will despise 

Thee and thy suit, though told in moving tropes, 

and, turning her back on you, as Imogen has done now on 
Harry Vincent, will walk off on the arm of some fellow 
like Sam Perch.” 

“ Sam Perch ? Do you mean the tall youth with a 
freckled face and a head of hair so fiery red that it looks 
like a small edition of a burning bush ? What a remark- 
able head I” 

“ It is a celebrated head. There was once a lawsuit 
about that head, and I was counsel for the defendant.” 


16 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ A lawsuit about the young man’s head ?” 

“Yes, a very extraordinary forensic controversy, which 
attracted much attention, and in which I established my 
professional reputation by defeating my distinguished 
friend M. T. Fate, who appeared as the plaintiff’s 
counsel.” 

“ Toney, do you pretend to tell me that anybody ever 
went to law about that fellow’s head ? How did such a 
suit originate ?” 

“ Why, you must know, Tom, that there is a curious 
tale attached to that young man’s head.” 

“So there is to the head of a Chinaman.” 

“No punning on people’s cocoanuts, Mr. Seddon I 
But hear the history of this very remarkable lawsuit. 
On a cold evening in DecemV)er, Perch was in a cer- 
tain house in Mapleton, making himself agreeable to 
some young ladies, when they commenced tittering to 
such a degree that he was at first highly flattered, sup- 
posing that their merriment was produced by his numer- 
ous attempts at witticisms. At length these demonstra- 
tions of mirth became uncontrollable, and Perch, glancing 
at a large mirror opposite, was suddenly struck dumb 
with confusion.” 

“At the image of his handsome self?” 

“ A mischief-loving young girl had taken her station 
behind him and was holding her hands over his red head, 
and rubbing them, as if she were enjoying the warmth of 
a blazing fire.” 

“ It would hardly be necessary to invoke the aid of im- 
agination for that purpose. This room begins to feel 
hotter with that fellow’s red head carried about in it like 
a brasier of live coals. But go on.” 

“ Perch was horrified at the revelations of the mirror. 
He rushed from the house in a fit of desperation.” 

“ To put his burning bush under a pump ?” 

“ Thoroughly disgusted with his red hair, he consulted 
a barber, who undertook, for an adequate pecuniary con- 
sideration, to impart to it a sable hue, by the application 
of certain dyes. Perch left the shop with a fine suit of 
black hair, as glossy as the plumage on the bosom of a 
raven ; but in the afternoon of the following day the color 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


11 


was suddenly and mysteriously changed to a pea-green. 
He was on a promenade at the time, and, not being aware 
of this sudden and remarkable metamorphosis, he en- 
countered the same young ladies and escorted them home. 
But when he entered the house and laid aside his hat, 
his head looked very much like an early York cabbage. 
Self-control was out of the question. The mirth of the 
young maidens was so immoderate that they almost went 
into convulsions, and the graceful and accomplished youth 
hurried away, boiling with indignation. Upon consult- 
ing his mirror, he perceived his dreadful condition. He 
passed a sleepless night in intense agony. Next day he 
barricaded his door and was not to be seen. He remained 
for a whole week in solitary confinement, brooding over 
his misfortune. The unhappy youth finally became hypo- 
chondriacal, and you know that while in this condition 
the mind is often under the dominion of sad and unac- 
countable illusions.” 

“ I am aware of that. Our housekeeper once imagined 
she was a teapot, and sat for a whole day with one arm 
akimbo, as the handle, and the other projected from her 
person to represent the spout. She gave a vast deal of 
trouble, and was continually admonishing the servants 
not to come near her lest they might upset her and break 
her to pieces. And only last winter old Crabstick got a 
strange notion in his head that he was a dog. One day, 
when I called to see Ida, he got down on all fours and 
barked obstreperously, and bit Scipio, his negro man, on 
the calf of his leg. 1 had to leave the house in a hurry 
to escape from his canine ferocity.” 

“ The illusion of Perch was equally as extraordinary. 
After brooding over his misfortune for a whole week, he 
imagined he was a donkey.” 

“ Imagined he was a donkey ?” 

“ Yes ; a monstrous donkey.” 

“ Was it all imagination, Toney ?” 

“ Be that as it may j I know that he created much an- 
noyance among the neighbors, for he commenced braying 
in a most extraordinary manner. His friends gathered 
around him and endeavored to reason him out of his un- 
happy delusion, but all to no purpose, for he had got the 


18 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


idea in his head that he was a prodigious jackass, and the 
more they talked to him the more loudly he would bray. 
He refused his natural food, and demanded to be led to 
the stable, that he might have a manger, and be fed on 
provender suitable for animals of the asinine species. 
The doctors had much trouble with him, and tried va- 
rious remedies without any apparent good result. They 
finally determined to drench him with strong brandy, and 
the potency of this fluid soon restored him to a more 
happy condition of body and mind. He recovered, and 
sent for the distinguished lawyer, M. T. Pate, and by his 
advice brought suit against the barber, laying the dam- 
*ages at one thousand dollars.” 

“ For what ?” 

“ For injury done to the young man’s head. The bar- 
ber was dreadfully frightened at the prospect of a ruinous 
litigation, and solicited my professional services. M. T. 
Pate exerted himself to the utmost, and, in a carefully 
prepared and eloquent speech, endeavored to demonstrate 
to the jury how great an injury had been done to his 
client’s head; at the same time denouncing the author of 
the outrage in terms of unmeasured vituperation. But 
his efforts were of no avail, for I was prepared with the 
proof, and had put more than a dozen witnesses on the 
stand, all of whom swore that the young man looked 
much better with his head of a pea-green color than he 
did when it was of a fiery red. In consequence of this tes- 
timony the jury came to the conclusion that the plaintiff 
had sustained no injury and was entitled to no damages. 
They rendered a verdict in favor of the defendant, and 
M. T. Pate’s client not only had to pay the costs of the 
suit, but went by the name of the ‘ Long Green Boy’ 
ever afterwards.” 

“ Mr. Belton, I am exceedingly glad to see you,” said 
a tall, raw-boned man, with a keen, dark eye, a Roman 
nose, and a swarthy visage. 

“ Mr. Seddon,” said Toney, “ let me introduce you to 
Captain Bragg, a famous traveler, who has seen more of 
this terrestrial globe than we have ever read of.” 

Seddon shook hands with the distinguished cosmopo- 
lite, and remarked that the weather was extremely hot. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


. 19 

“ Hot !” said Bragg. “ My dear sir, do you call it hot ? 
You should have been with me when I was once invited 
by her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar to a royal feast. 
As we sat at table under an awning, huge pieces of the 
most delicious beef were served up, which had been 
roasted by being exposed to the vertical rays of a tropi- 
cal sun. That was what I would call hot weather, Mr. 
Seddon. But, by the powers of mud ! what is that?” 

A loud noise and trampling of feet were heard in the 
hall. The door flew open, and women shrieked and men 
stood aghast, as a horrible apparition entered the ball- 
room. It seemed like an ugly demon with two heads. 
The monster rushed among the dancers, howling and 
screeching, and creating the most extraordinary confu- 
sion. Ladies, with loud cries, clung to their partners for 
protection, as with unearthly yells the two-headed mon- 
ster rushed around. All seemed to lose presence of mind 
except Toney Belton, who tripped up the heels of the 
hideous intruder, and it fell on the floor. Then was wit- 
nessed a fearful conflict. While the women scampered 
away, and ran screaming through the hall, the men 
gathered around, and soon recognized the belligerents. 
It was Ned Botts, engaged in a hand-to-hand encounter 
with a gigantic and ferocious monkey belonging to Cap- 
tain Bragg. The creature had escaped from confinement 
and had perched itself on the stairway in the hall. As 
Botts, after having enjoyed a mint-julep, was returning 
from the refreshment-room, it sprang upon his shoulders 
and seized him by the hair. Terrible was the combat 
between Botts and the monkey. Each made the most 
ugly grimaces and exhibited the most deadly ferocity. 
Botts grappled his antagonist by the throat, and the fight 
would have ended in a tragedy had not Bragg interfered. 

Maddened with pass.ion, Botts sprang to his feet and 
put himself in a boxing attitude, whereupon Bragg knocked 
him down. ‘ The gentlemen present now interposed, and 
Botts was carried off, loudly vociferating, and swearing 
vengeance against Bragg and his monkey. 


20 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER III. 

The excitement occasioned by the terrific combat in the 
ball-room was intense. On the following morning groups 
of anxious persons were discussing the ‘probability of a 
duel between Bragg and Botts. There had been an in- 
terchange not only of harsh language but of blows be- 
tween these gentlemen, -^and it was the general opinion 
that a hostile meeting was inevitable. Toney and Tom 
were sitting in the room of the former, puffing their 
cigars, and conversing about the events of the preceding 
evening, when there was a knock at the door, followed by 
tlie entry of a gentleman whose countenance indicated 
that he was troubled by very great mental anxiety. 

“Good-morning, Mr. Pate. Let me introduce you to 
my friend Mr. Seddon.” 

The two gentlemen shook hands, and Seddon made 
some meteorological observation, which was unheeded by 
Pate, who nervously turned to Toney, and said, — 

“ Mr. Belton, I have called to see you about a matter of 
great importance, — I might say an affair of life or death.” 

“ Indeed, Mr. Pate 1 To what have you reference 

“ 1 refer, sir, to the unfortunate affair between our 
friend Mr. Botts and — and ” 

“ The monkey 

“ Just so, sir. I am afraid that the — the — the difficulty 
will end in — in bloodshed, sir. I apprehend that Mr. 
Botts is about to send a challenge to — to — to ” 

“ The monkey ? Why, Mr. Pate, the animal will not 
accept it if he does.” 

“ I don’t mean to the monkey, sir ; I mean to Captain 
Bragg.” 

“ Oh, that alters the case. The captain is a fighting 
man.” 

“ Yes, sir ; and Mr. Botts is determined on a bloody 
issue. He has been with Wiggins the whole morning, 
and I know that he has penned a challenge.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


21 


^' Well, my dear sir, what can I do to prevent the issue 
which you apprehend 

“ Bragg will apply to you to act as his second. Could 
you not persuade him to apologize 

“ Apologize 1 Apologize for knocking Botts down ? 
Impossible, sir I’’ 

“ How impossible ? Cannot a man apologize for what 
he has done 

“ Mr. Pate, you are well versed in legal lore, but you 
seem to be profoundly ignorant of a very stringent article 
in the code of honor.” 

“ And what is that, sir ?” 

** One of the thirty-nine articles of the code of dueling, 
compiled by ‘A Southron,’ prohibits a gentleman, who 
has received a blow, from accepting an apology until the 
party who has dealt the blow first allows himself to be 
slapped on the face in the most public place in the town. 
Now, do you suppose that Captain Bragg will consent to 
stand in the street, in front of the hotel, before a crowd 
of spectators, male and female, and allow Botts to knock 
him down, and then get up and apologize for having 
knocked Botts down ? Impossible, sir I impossible I 
There can be no apology.” 

“No apology? If a man is sorry for what he has 
done, is he prohibited from saying so ? Monstrous, sir I 
monstrous I Is this a Christian country ?” 

“ I believe it is ; and dueling is a Christian practice.” 

“ I deny it most emphatically, sir. It is a barbarous, 
a heathenish practice 1” 

“Why, Mr. Pate, who ever heard of the code of honor 
among the heathen Greeks or Romans, or among any 
other heathens, ancient or modern ? Christians are the 
only duelists. The custom originated with the knights 
who fought for the Cross and against the Crescent. It 
has been the favorite mode of settling difficulties, among 
gentlemen in Christian countries, ever since. Yes, sir ; 
and even churchmen have fought duels. A parson, in 
one of our Southern States, once challenged a layman, 
and shot him through the heart in accordance with the 
code of honor.”* 


* This happened in Maryland many years ago. 


22 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


Horrible I Mr. Belton, what — what is to be done 

“ Why, I suppose, we must let the men fight, if they 
are determined to do so.” 

“ Can we not apply to a justice of the peace ? Can we 
not have them arrested ?” 

“ Mr. Pate, if you were to do so, public opinion is such 
that you would be mobbed, ridden on a rail, pelted with 
rotten eggs, and your life might be in danger.” 

“My dear, dear sir, what — what is to be done? I 
cannot see poor Botts shot down, — cut off in the flower 
of his days!” 

Here Mr. Pate was so overcome by his feelings that 
the big tears began to roll down his cheeks, and Tom 
Seddon’s heart was softened. 

“ Why, Mr. Pate,” said he, “there will be no duel if 
Botts does not send the challenge. Could you not use 
your influence with him, and induce him to heap coals of 
fire on Bragg’s head by forgiving the injury ?” 

“ And I promise you,” said Belton, “ that if the duel 
does come off, it shall not have a tragical termination. I 
will not advise Bragg to fire in the air ; for a friend of 
mine once did so and shot a boy, who was perched among 
the boughs of a cherry-tree, through the calf of the leg. 
Since then I have always been opposed to the absurd 
and dangerous practice of firing in the air. Seconds, 
however, can usually prevent bloodshed, unless their 
principals are exceedingly savage and sanguinary. But 
I think that the suggestion of my friend Seddon is a good 
one. You should hurry back, and endeavor to prevent 
Botts from sending the challenge.” 

“ I will do so 1 I will do so I God bless you both !” 
And with this benediction Pate hurried away in extreme 
agitation. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


23 


CHAPTER lY. 

“ Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane 
and benevolent man,” said Seddon, when the peacemaker 
had taken his departure. • 

“None more so,” said Belton. “Pate is not more 
remarkable for his extraordinary genius than for the 
vast quantity of the milk of human kindness which 
he has in his composition. It was the activity and 
originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of 
his disposition, which caused him to become the founder 
of a secret order, which will some day make his name 
illustrious in the annals of the benefactors of the human 
race.” 

“ To what order do you allude ?” 

“To the M. O. 0. S. S.” 

“What do those letters signify ?” 

“ The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts.” 

“ The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts I Why, 
Toney, you are joking 1 Who ever heard of such an 
organization ?” 

“No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of 
Seven Wise Men, have you not?” 

“ Why, yes ; but that is an organization founded on 
principles of benevolence, — somewhat like the Masons, or 
Odd-Fellows, I suppose.” 

“ And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. 
It is founded on principles of benevolence. Its object is 
the welfare of woman.” 

“ In what way do they propose to promote so desira- 
ble an object ?” 

“ Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original 
thinker ; and after much meditation he arrived at the con- 
clusion that single women are much happier than those 
who are married, as is evident from the gayety of young 
girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance 
of the majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be 
persuaded that a state of single blessedness is preferable, 


24 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


all would‘ be well ; but the giddy things have their heads 
full of love and romance, and are but too eager to run 
into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all 
countries, this proclivity of the female sex has been ap- 
parent. Even in Grim Tartary, where marriages are 
solemnized by the singular ceremony of a horse-race, and 
where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has 
the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must 
catch her before she reaches a certain designated point in 
the road, or there is no marriage, what is usually the re- 
sult ? Why, as soon as the word ‘ Go 1’ is given, the mau 
makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the 
silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse 
and allows herself to be caught before she gets to the end 
of the course. From extensive observation, Pate was 
convinced that women are the same all over the world, 
and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar 
maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He 
plainly perceived that no argument, admonition, or per- 
suasion could prevent them from so doing, and therefore 
determined on the adoption of a plan which, when thor- 
oughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for 
young maidens to get married.’’ 

“ How is that to be accomplished ?” 

The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men 
who cannot marry. They are as strictly a brotherhood of 
bachelors as were the Fratres Ignorantiae, or any other 
monkish order of the olden times. Their duties are im- 
portant and onerous. They are under an obligation to 
court all young women, but must never propose marriage. 
They are especially instructed to be vigilant and prevent 
gentlemen, who are evidently premeditating matrimony, 
from paying any of those little delicate attentions which 
are preliminary to such an event. In order that they 
may do this, they are required to be in all houses in- 
habited by young ladies at an early hour in the evening, 
and are forbidden to leave until every hat and cane have 
disappeared from the hall. It was thus that Simon 
Hobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of 
Susan.” 

“ Pray who is Simon Dobbs ?” 


OR TT’:4(75' AND SWEETHEARTS. 


25 


“A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a 
snug home, and knew a sweet little angel who hadn’t a 
pair of wings behind her shoulders and couldn’t flyaway, 
and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to take 
possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs 
was sitting alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was 
indulging in a delicious reverie, in which visions of future 
felicity became beautifully apparent. In ten years after 
this angelic being had taken charge of his domestic affairs 
he would have — here Dobbs began to count on his fingers 
— one — two — three — four — five — six — yes, seven sweet 
little cherubs fluttering around him, — three girls and four 
boys, — two of them twins, and the finest fellows you ever 
saw in your life. Here Dobbs snatched up his hat and 
hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a matrimo- 
nial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the 
parlor he found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by 
her side. Dobbs waited until a late hour, and was com- 
pelled to go home without an opportunity of saying a 
word on the important subject which occupied all his 
thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and. the seven sweet 
little cherubs every night, and every evening, when he 
called to see her, he found one of the order on duty in 
the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a simple 
question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the 
presence of witnesses. On oue> occasion Dobbs lingered 
to a late hour, in the hope that Perch, who was seated by 
the side of Susan, would leave. The clock struck twelve 
and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that 
Dobbs began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless 
Azrael should interpose and remove Perch and his 
brethren to another sphere of existence, his house would 
never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet 
little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair 
and wished he was a ghost.” 

“A what?” 

“A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your 
eyes in wonder at such a wish, for I tell you that those 
invisible gentlemen who perambulate the air have a great 
advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle 
about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred 

3 


26 


TEE FUNNY rillLOSOPHERS, 


and fifty or two hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, 
which is a manifest incouvenience to freedom of locomo- 
tion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He 
can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and 
the conductor will, not nudge him and ask him for his 
ticket. He can seat himself every Sunday in the best 
pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will 
ever' call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to 
theaters and all places of amusement without apprehen- 
sion of having his pockets picked or his watch stolen. 
A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the 
dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can 
pass through a stone wall like a current of electricity; 
and when he wants to be in any distant place, all he has 
to do is to ride on his own wish and be instantly con- 
veyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on 
the tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes 
from the frost, and he can then by mere volition instan- 
taneously transfer himself to the troj)ics, where, as Cap- 
tain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the cocoanut 
almost scalds a monkey’s mouth at mid-day, and at either 
place the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A 
ghost can slip down his neighbor’s chimney and peep 
into his pot and see what he is going to have for his 
dinner.” 

“ That,” said Seddon, “ must be a great satisfaction to 
the ghosts of those enterprising individuals who are given 
to minding other people’s business instead of attending to 
their own.” 

“ Yery true. But don’t interrupt me, Tom, now I am 
on the subject of ghosts. Among the manifest advan- 
tages of being a ghost is one which above all others is 
deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see a 
person’s thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts 
experience great pleasure in watching the thoughts of 
ladies who are meditating upon their absent lovers. 
When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who is 
far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, 
looking as sweet as little bees with their legs laden with 
honey leaving a field of fragrant clover and coming home 
to the hive. And if any poor fellow has a sweetheart. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


2t 

and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or not, 
he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking 
as sulky as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make 
a ghost of himself, and he will be able to see down to 
the very bottom of her gizzard ; and if* she cares anything 
about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of candy- 
kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper.” 

“ I wouldn’t mind being a ghost myself,” said Seddon. 

“ In order that you might have a peep at the musings 
and meditations of pretty Ida ? But you blush, Tom.” 

“Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about 
Dobbs. I am much interested in the poor fellow’s fate.” 

“ Well, Dobbs bad an intuitive perception of the ad- 
vantages which I have mentioned; and so he ardently 
desired to be a ghost. But seeing no chance of soon 
being promoted to a ghostship, and not being able to 
ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in 
the flesh, he was finally compelled to leave her in the 
hands of the mystic brotherhood. In his solitary home 
he now began to brood over his misfortune. He came to 
the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition 
of an ownerless dog, — nobody caring whether he is 
brought home dead or alive ; while if a Benedict even 
barks his shins, he has some one to sympathize with him 
and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination 
to utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure 
the severe trial with manly fortitude. So, after much 
meditation, Dobbs determined that as he was not per- 
mitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he 
could not get a woman for money. Immediately subse- 
quent to the adoption of this wise resolution he was on a 
visit to one of our metropolitan towns, and while walking 
the street observed in large letters over a door the words 
Families Supplied Here. Dobbs came to the conclu- 
sion that it was the very place he was looking for. So 
he walked in and asked a surly giant who seemed to 
have charge of the establishment, if he could furnish 
him with ” 

“ An angel and seven sweet little cherubs ?” 

“Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not 
admit of so extravagant a purchase. He simply asked if 


.28 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


he could furnish him with a wife and a couple of children, 
either girls or boys, — he was not particular which they 
were.” 

“I suppose that his moderate demand was complied 
with ?” 

“ I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are 
liable to be misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill 
humor, and supposed that Dobbs wanted to make game 
of him. He replied in rude and insulting language, and 
aimed several imprecations at his customer’s organs of 
vision. Dobbs’s blood began to boil, and he reciprocated 
the shopkeeper’s compliments in synonymous terms. 
Then he suddenly saw a multitude of stars before his eyes 
and found himself in a recumbent position on the floor. 
Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who had 
inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated 
its inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to aban- 
don all hope of obtaining a wife either for love or for 
money.” 

“ And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweehearts baffled 
poor Dobbs in his eiforts to adorn his domicile with an 
angel and seven sweet little cherubs I But what became 
of Susan ?” 

“ She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every 
evening some one of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may 
be seen seated by her side. They ride with her, and walk 
with her, and talk love to her, but never propose matri- 
mony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to 
do that ; and never but once was a brother known to be un- 
faithful to bis vows. William Wiggins was the recreant 
member, and he was severely punished for his want of 
fidelity.” 

“ In what way ?” 

“ He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of 
falling in love with the land and negroes of a certain 
widow and proposing marriage. M. T. Pate delivered 
the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which 
drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brother- 
hood.” 

“ What did Wiggins do ?” 

“ Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 29 

to the widow with great activity, and with such success 
that she soon capitulated.’’ 

“And I suppose that they were married and ” 

“ You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling- 
block on their road to the altar. Through the culpable 
negligence of his parents, Wiggins had never been bap- 
tized, and the widow, being a strict member of the church, 
would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual con- 
dition approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. 
She insisted that he should either be sprinkled or im- 
mersed before the solemnization of the nuptial ceremony. 
Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the 
sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching 
widow, agreed to be sprinkled ; and it was arranged that 
the consecrated fluid should be applied on the morning 
of an appointed day, and that they should be married in 
the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding 
tour. In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully 
prepared, procured a book containing the usual ques- 
tions and answers, and labored hard in committing to 
memory the responses which would be requi-red of him 
in each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he 
flattered himself that his preparation had been thorough ; 
and in the first ceremony he acquitted himself admirably. 
But when he stood before the altar with the blushing 
widow he got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 
‘Wilt thou'have this woman for thy wedded wife ?’ to 
the utter astonishment of the worthy clergyman he re- 
plied, in a decided tone, ‘ I renounce them all, and pray 
God that I may not be led nor governed by them.’ The 
widow screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of 
her toes, and was carried out of the church in a fainting 
fit. Wiggins followed, and when she was restored to con- 
sciousness wanted to explain ; but she vehemently de- 
nounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the 
church by false pretenses in order that he might insult 
her before the very altar and in the presence of her ven- '- 
erable pastor. From that day she would have nothing 
more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon 
all hope of ever obtaining possession of her real and 
personal estate. The reply which Wiggins made to the 

3 * 


30 


THE FUNNY PniLOSOPIIERS, 


minister who wanted to marry him to the widow having 
been reported to M. T. Pate, be immediately expressed 
an opinion that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere 
repentance of their unfortunate and erring brother. By 
Pate’s advice, Wiggins was again received into the order, 
and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose of per- 
forming his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the 
mystic brotherhood.” 

“ I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. 
Pate,” said Seddon. “ My curiosity has been aroused, 
and I desire to know something of his previous history.” 

Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already 
commenced writing his biography.” 

“ Writing his biography ?” 

“ Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate 
is destined to become a very distinguished personage. 
Somebody will write his biography, and why not 1 ? 
One chapter has been completed, which, with your per- 
mission, I will read.” 

At that moment there was a knock at the door, and 
Captain Bragg entered the room. 


CHAPTER V. 

It has been sfiid that the worst use you can make of 
a man is to hang him. I think. Captain Bragg, that the 
next worst is to shoot him.” 

This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having 
first shown him the challenge which he had received 
from Botts and requested- him to act as his second, had 
emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put 
the challenger to death with powder and ball. 

“ And,” said Seddon, “some men are not worth the 
ammunition expended on them.” 

“ By the powers of mud ! w'hat do you mean, Mr. 
Seddon ?” exclaimed Bragg. “ Is not Mr. Botts a gen- 
tleman ? Do I not find him in the very best society 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


31 


“Not certainly in the very best society when he is 
found quarreling with a monkey/’ said Seddon. 

“ With a monkey I Mr. Seddon ? Gentlemen, I would 
have you know that it was no ordinary -monkey that 
Botts so brutally assaulted in the ball-room. He was 
a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Mada- 
gascar. I would defend that monkey with my blood ; 
and had not Botts challenged me, I would have chal- 
lenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Mon- 
keys have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as 
well as we have, Mr. Seddon.” 

“ Then, they have souls as well as tails?” said Seddon. 

“ I have no doubt,” said Bragg, “ that a high-bred 
monkey, like mine, brought up in a royal palace and ten- 
derly cared for, can feel an insult as keenly as a man.” 

“ Then, Captain Bragg,” said Seddon, “ why not refer 
Botts for satisfaction to the monkey ?” 

“ Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently ad- 
vanced in civilization to understand the code of honor. 
But the time may come when they will.” 

“ What !” exclaimed Seddon, “ do you mean to say 
that the time may come when monkeys will challenge one 
another to single combat, and fight with hair-trigger 
pistols like civilized men?” 

“ Yes, sir,” said Bragg. 

“ I suppose that will be after they have dropped their 
tails,” said Seddon. 

“Of course,” said Bragg. “Man is but an improved 
species of monkey. Our ancestors were once monkeys, 
and carried long tails behind them.”* 

Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with 
laughter. Toney Belton reproved his friend for this un- 
becoming levity, and gravely remarked that learned men 
coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and that Lord 
Monboddo confidently asserted there was a race of men 
in Africa who still had tails. 

“ That is true, sir,” said Bragg. “ I have seen them 
myself; — have eaten and drank with them, and ” 


* The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered 
in Boston. 


32 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOFIIERS, 


Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter ; while Toney 
remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed indi- 
viduals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly 
fond of Dutchmen. 

“I don’t know about their fondness for Dutchmen,’’ 
said Bragg. “ I am an Anglo-Saxon, and I know that 
they treated me with great kindness ; I remained with 
them for months ; and many of them shed tears when I 
took my departure.” 

“Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems 
to confirm the rabbinical theory,” said Toney. 

“ What is that ?” inquired Bragg. 

“ The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we 
should have great confidence, assert that man was origi- 
nally created with a long tail.” 

“Just as I said I” exclaimed Bragg. “ Did I not tell 
you so ?” 

“If such was his original conformation,” said Toney, 
“we must suppose that it was afterwards observed that 
this appendage was of no use to him at all, and, indeed, 
would often be a serious incumbrance ; for when in battle 
a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his 
enemy might seize him by the tail, and hold him fast 
until he had cut off his head.” 

“ That is a fact,” said Bragg. “ So he might.” 

“And when in the progress of civilization the toilet 
became of importance in the estimation of mankind, the 
decoration of the tail would be exceedingly troublesome' 
and expensive.” 

“ I should think so,” said Seddon. “ I should think 
that it could hardly be managed even by the most ex- 
perienced and scientific tailorsN 

“Tom Seddon,” said Toney, “Dr. Johnson was of 
opinion that when a man attempted a pun in company 
he ought to be knocked down. But let me proceed in 
pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. 
For instance, fashionable gentlemen, after having spent 
large sums of money in the elaborate adornment of their 
tails, might have them trodden upon as they walked the 
streets, and numerous assaults and batteries might thus 
be occasioned.” 


OR TF.4(?5' AND SWEETUEARTS, 


33 


“No doubt of it I no doubt of it I” said Bra^g. “I 
witnessed many fierce encounters among my friends in 
Africa, caused by men inadvertently treading on their 
neighbors’ tails.” 

“Yes,” said Toney, “some irascible editor or orator 
might have his tail crushed by the foot of his adversary 
on the hard pavement, and a mortal combat would be the 
lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer 
for the patience and fortitude of a pious parson if, as he 
walked along the aisle of his church, one of the congre- 
gation should carelessly tread on his caudal extremity. 
I seriously apprehend that the reverend man would ex- 
hibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline 
species under similar circumstances. Therefore, such 
being the great and manifest disadvantages of wearing 
tails, we must suppose that this useless appendage was 
severed from the body of the man.” 

“ What was done with it ?” inquired Seddon. 

“ It was fashioned into a woman,” said Bragg. 

“A what?” exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to 
laugh. 

“ Into a woman,” reiterated Bragg. 

“ Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib.” 

“ That is an error of the translators,” said Bragg. “ I 
was so informed by a learned Hebrew whom I found 
living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a comfortable house 
constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah’s 
Ark. He told me that the word should have been trans- 
lated tail instead of rib.” 

“ This important fact in anthropology,” said Toney, 
“ would seem to militate against the claims of those 
learned, eloquent, and distinguished ladies who are the 
leaders of the movement for women’s rights.” 

“ Do you mean,” said Bragg, “ those babbling females 
who leave their hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse 
their unclean babies, and go gadding about holding their 
conventions? Well, sir, give them every right which 
they claim. Give them every right which we have ” 

“ Except,” said Seddon, “ the privilege of shaving their 
chins. I hardly suppose that they will ever get that.” 

“No,” exclaimed Bragg, “that inestimable privilege 


34 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


they never can obtain, let them clamor for it as much as 
they please I I reiterate, give them all they demand, 
let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of dry- 
goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what 
would be the result? Would the head govern?” 

“I should think not,” said Seddon, “if there is such 
an error in the translation as you have pointed out. Cap- 
tain Bragg, I am afraid that you are a misogynist. But 
what becomes of your royal friend the Queeu of Mada- 
gascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great 
nation.” 

“Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary 
woman. Tlie poets of that great country say that the 
royal line is descended from their gods.” 

“ That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Mada- 
gascar,” said Seddon. “ In the United States of America 
her Majesty’s poets-laureate would find a multitude of 
skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen, 
with whom you once resided, a race of negroes ?” 

“ Their faces were black but comely,” said Bragg. 

“ Then,” said Seddon, “ it is easy to foresee what will 
be the ultimate consequences of emancipation in this 
country.” 

“ In what respect ?” asked Bragg. 

“ Why, it is well known that the negro race, when 
emancipated, goes back, by degrees, to its original bar- 
barism. Emancipate the negroes, and, at some future 
day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals 
among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after 
a time, tails will grow out from their persons. They will 
jump into our windows at night and carry off our babies 
and devour them ; and no Dutchman will be safe from 
their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them 
with dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and 
civilize them again.” 

“Never I” exclaimed Bragg, “ never I Man once 
civilized never goes back to his original condition. 
Emancipate the negroes and you need not apprehend 
that they will return to their tails.” 

“Are you in favor of emancipation, Captain Bragg?” 
inquired Seddon. » 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


35 


“My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at 
present. By the powers of mud ! Mr. Belton,” exclaimed 
Bragg, looking at his watch, “ we have forgotten all about 
Botts and the challenge.” 

“ I was about to remind you, captain,” said Toney, 
“ that as you have the choice of weapons, as well as of 
time and place, it is necessary that I should receive 
vour instructions in relation to these preliminary arrange- 
ments.” 

“ I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton ; and as 
to weapons, I am equally familiar with all the weapons 
employed in private or public warfare. 1 once fought a 
native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr. Seddon.” 

“ What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg ?” 

“ It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at 
which it is aimed comes bounding back to the hand that 
hurls it. But, by the powers of mud ! at the first throw 
my boomerang came bounding back with the New 
Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy.” 

“ Then,” said Toney, “ I am to understand that you 
leave the selection to me, and will not refuse to fight 
with any weapon 1 may designate ?” 

“ Refuse I certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon 
if you so choose, or a gun loaded with Greek fire.” 

“ Or hot water,” suggested Seddon. 

“ To be sure,” said Bragg. 

“ Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun 
loaded with hot water ?” inquired Toney. 

“Mr. Belton,” said Bragg, “he is a poor workman 
who finds fault with his tools. I will face my antago- 
nist with any weapon which he is not afraid to hold in 
his own hand.” 

“Very good,” said Belton. “And now I must leave 
you with Mr. Seddon, while I have an interview with 
Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts’s second.” 

Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was 
in the act of poising a cane for the purpose of showing 
Sheddon how to hurl a boombrang. 


36 


THE FUNNY PHTLOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER YI. 

Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. 
The latter received the representative of Captain Bragg 
with the formal politeness befitting the occasion. After 
some conversation in relation to the business which had 
brought them together, Toney proceeded to say, — 

“ Mr. Wiggins, my principal has, as you know, the se- 
lection of time and place, as well as of weapons.” 

“Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as 
to name the time.” 

“ To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise,” said 
Belton. 

“Very good,” said Wiggins. “And the place ?” 

“ The cluster of trees which stand on the east side of 
the town.” 

“An excellent selection,” said Wiggins. 

“ And the weapons, Mr. Belton 

“ Broad-axes,” said Toney. 

“What?” exclaimed Wiggins. 

“ Broad-axes,” reiterated Toney. 

“ What ?” said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone. 

“ Broad-axes I” shouted Toney, with the lungs of a 
Stentor. 

“ Broad-axes I” repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. 
“Mr. Belton, you do not mean to say that Captain Bragg 
expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a broad-axe 1” 

“Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a 
duel is it not his object to kill his antagonist ? and are 
not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon for the pur- 
pose ?” 

“ But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barba- 
rous weapon.” 

“ Sir, it is neither an unusual nor a barbarous weapon. 
It is a military weapon. Examine Webster’s Dictionary 
and you will find that such is the definition of broad-axe. 
It has been often used by gentlemen in affairs of honor.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 37 

“ I never heard of its use among men of honor,’’ said 
Wiggins. 

“Why, sir, who originated the practice of dueling? 
Were not the chivalrous knights of the Middle Ages the 
first to adopt this mode of settling disputes ?” 

“ Certainly,” said the representative of Botts. 

“ And were not those knights gentlemen and men of 
honor ?” 

“ Of course they were,” said Wiggins. “ Who can 
doubt that ?” 

“ And did they not fight with battle-axes ?” 

“ Ob, certainly,” said Wiggins. “ We read of that in 
Froissart and the other chroniclers of those days.” 

“ Well, sir, will you be so good as to show me the dif- 
ference between a battle-axe and a broad-axe ? Can you 
point it out?” 

“ I confess that I cannot,” said Wiggins. 

“ There is no difference ; except that our carpenters, in 
the peaceful occupation of hewing timber, have found a 
short handle more convenient than the long ones used in 
the days of chivalry by honorable knights and gentlemen. 
I propose to lengthen the handles and let our men fight 
like gallant paladins with the legitimate weapons of the 
duello.” 

“ Mr. Belton, I cannot consent that my principal shall 
fight with such a weapon. Mr. Botts is not accustomed 
to the use of a broad-axe.” 

“Nor is Captain Bragg, sir. So neither party will 
have an advantage from skill or practice.” 

“Did Captain Bragg select broad-axes?” 

“ The captain has expressed no preference ; he has 
left the choice of weapons to his second.” 

“ Then, Mr. Belton, can we not, as the friends of the 
parties, make arrangements for a meeting in which each 
gentleman may vindicate his honor without the tragical 
results which must ensue from the use of such barbarous 
weapons as broad-axes ?” 

“ As I have said, and now repeat, a broad-axe is not a 
barbarous weapon. Its use is legitimate in the duello. 
Unless you agree to the terms which I am now about to 
propose, I shall adhere to my original selection.” 

4 


38 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


What are your terms, Mr. Belton eagerly inquired 
Wiggins. 

“ That I select the weapons, and that neither yourself 
nor our principals shall know what they are until I pro- 
duce them on the field.” 

“ I agree to your terms, Mr. Belton ; anything but 
broad-axes.” 

The weapons which I shall select will test the cool- 
ness and courage of both gentlemen. They will not be 
broad-axes. Are you satisfied ?” 

“ Perfectly.” 

‘‘ Then, sir, as we have agreed upon the preliminary 
arrangements, I must bid you good-morning.” 

In the corridor of the hotel Toney encountered M. T. 
Pate. 

“ Mr. Belton — Mr. Belton,” said Pate, “ I — I could not 
prevail on Mr. Botts. He has sent a — a — a challenge, 
and there will be bloodshed, sir, and — and all about a — a 
— a monkey, sir.” 

“ Mr. Pate, I have the matter in hand, and I assure 
you, on the honor of a gentleman, that not a drop of blood 
will be spilt.” 

“ God bless you, Mr. Belton !” 

“ Good-morning, Mr. Pate.” And Toney hurried away, 
leaving Pate repeating his benediction with great fervor. 


CHAPTER VII. 

Hardly had Toney Belton’s footsteps ceased to sound 
in the corridor before Wiggins snatched up his hat and 
hurried into the presence of his principal in extreme 
agitation. 

“ Mr. Botts,” he exclaimed, I have just had an inter- 
view with Mr. Belton, the friend of Captain Bragg.” 

“Captain Bragg then accepts the challenge?” said 
Botts. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


39 


‘‘Of course he does,” said Wiggins, “and we have 
agreed upon the terms.” 

“ What time does Bragg propose for the meeting?” 

“Between daybreak and sunrise to-morrow.” 

“ A very excellent arrangement,” said Botts. “ The 
early hour will insure us against the chance of interrup- 
tion. And the place ?” 

Wiggins named the place designated by Belton, and 
the selection met with the approval of his principal, who 
inquired, — 

“ Did the captain choose fire-arms, or small swords ? 
I am equally expert in the use of either.” 

“ Fire-arms or small swords I” exclaimed Wiggins, — 
“ no, sir, he did not.” 

“ What weapon did he then select ? I am at a loss to 
imagine.” 

Wiggins hesitated and was silent. His features be- 
came strangely and alarmingly distorted. 

“Did you not agree upon the weapons? What did 
Mr. Belton propose ?” 

“ Broad-axes I” said Wiggins. 

“What did you say, Mr. Wiggins? I did not dis- 
tinctly hear you.” 

“ Broad-axes I Mr. Botts, I say broad-axes !” 

“ What?” exclaimed Botts, rising from his seat. 

“ Broad-axes I” said Wiggins, also rising and moving 
nearer to Botts. “ Broad-axes, I say broad-axes I” 

Botts’s ugly countenance now assumed a very peculiar 
expression. One of those ideas which suddenly rush into 
a man’s mind and master it in a moment presented itself, 
and immediately became dominant. He supposed that 
Wiggins had become demented, and that he was in the 
presence of a maniac. Botts had as much of the common 
quality of physical courage as most of the male gender, 
but, like many a brave man, he had an intense horror of 
crazy people. He retreated. Wiggins advanced towards 
him, anxious to explain, and lifting his hand in the act of 
gesticulation. 

“ Stand back I” shouted Botts, grasping a chair, and 
elevating it over his head, — “ stand back, or I will knock 
you down I” 


40 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOrilERS, 


“ Botts ! Botts !” exclaimed Wiggins^ lifting up both 
hands in violent agitation, being utterly astounded at 
this hostile demonstration on the part of his principal, — 
“ Botts ! Botts ! I — I — said — broad-axes !” 

“Help! help I murder! murder!’’ shouted Botts ; and 
, l^e aimed a blow at Wiggins, who dodged it, and, tum- 
bling over a table, fell sprawling on the carpet, while the 
chair flew from Botts’s hands and went with a crash 
against the door. In an instant there was a rush of 
people from the adjoining apartments and the room was 
filled with spectators. 

“Good heavens!” exclaimed M. T. Pate, addressing 
himself to Botts, who had armed himself with another 
chair, and stood brandishing it in a corner of the room 
with an air of desperate determination, — “good heavens I 
Mr. Botts, what does this mean ?” 

“ Gentlemen, such scenes cannot be allowed in my 
house,” said the landlord. “ Mr. Botts, this is the second 
time you have raised an uproar in this establishment.” 

“Botts, you shall answer for this outrage!” exclaimed 
Wiggins, rising on his feet and looking Botts in the face 
with a most truculent aspect. 

“ Are you not crazy ?” said Botts. 

“ Crazy !” vociferated Wiggins, advancing towards 
Botts, who dodged behind Pate. “ You are crazy, sir I 
You are as mad as a March hare, sir I You are a dan- 
gerous man ! I will have you in a lunatic asylum before 
you are a day older, sir ! Gentlemen, I call upon you to 
assist me in securing this madman.” 

“ By Jupiter ! I think you are both lunatics,” said the 
landlord. 

“ Mr. Wiggins, there must be some mistake,” said Pate. 

“ Botts is not crazy.” ^ 

“ No madder man ever broke out of bedlam !” said 
Wiggins. “ He will kill somebody if he is not put in a 
strait-jacket.” 

“ What was all this about ?” asked Pate. 

“About?” said Wiggins. “Why, sir, I was merely 
repeating something which Mr. Belton had said to me, 
when up jumped Botts and aimed a blow at my head 
with a chair ; and had 1 not dodged as quickly as I did, 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


41 


he would have knocked my brains out. Is such a man 
fit to run at larp^e through this house ? Do you call him 
sane, Mr. Pate ? Sane ! — if he’s sane, you might as well 
pull down all the lunatic asylums in the laud and let their 
inmates out to ” 

“ Stop 1 Wiggins, stop ! I begin to see,” said Botts. 
“You are not crazy, after all ! Did you say you were 
merely repeating what Belton had said to you ?” 

“ Nothing more,” said Wiggins. “And was that any 
reason why I should be ” 

“ My dear, dear fellow !” said Botts “It was a mis- 
take ! I see I Give me your hand. I ask ten thousand 
pardons !” 

Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, 
and then stood his ground and took the proffered hand. 

“ Thank God,” said Pate, “there will be no duel 1” 

“ Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels,” said the 
landlord. 

“ Gentlemen,” said Botts, “ I call you to witness that 
it was all my fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins’s pardon.” 

“ It is granted,” said Wiggins. 

“ And now, gentlemen,” said Botts, “ be so good as to 
leave us to ourselves. You see it is all made up, and 
we are the best friends in the world.” 

At this request all left the room. M. T. Pate, how- 
ever, lingered at the door for a moment, and said, in an 
admonitory tone, — 

“ Por Heaven’s sake, Botts, do not quarrel with Wig- 
gins again !” 

“ No fear of that, Mr. Pate.” And with this assurance 
Pate closed the door. 

Botts being alone with his second, there was a repe- 
tition of apologies and mutual explanations; after which 
each became assured of the sanity of the other, and was 
more at his ease. 

“ But,” asked Botts, “ did Belton really say anything 
about broad-axes ?” 

Wiggins hesitated. He seemed to be afraid to again 
give utterance to a word which had just put him in such 
imminent peril. At length he said, in a low tone, — 

“ He did, indeed.” 


4 * 


42 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“What connection had this with the duel?” 

“As the representative of Captain Bragg, he proposed 
that you should fight with broad-axes.” 

Botts sprang from the chair and overturned the table ; 
and Wiggins, apprehensive of another assault, jumped 
up and put himself in an attitude of defense. 

M. T. Pate, who was lingering in the corridor in trem- 
bling expectation of another quarrel, rushed to the door, 
but it was bolted. 

“Mr. Botts! Mr. Botts!” cried Pate. 

“ Go to the devil !” shouted Botts. 

“ Good heavens ! what is to be done ?” said Pate. 
“ He has Wiggins locked in the room, and will beat out 
his brains with a chair !” 

“ Pll break down the door and put strait-jackets on 
both of them!” said the landlord, who had hurried back 
at the alarm given by Pate. 

Botts now opened the door and assured the people 
in the corridor that they were not fighting, but were as 
amicable as men could be. Having received a similar 
assurance from Wiggins, Pate and the landlord had no 
excuse for further interruption, and reluctant!}^ retired ; 
the landlord shaking his head rather dubiously as he 
did so, and muttering something about strait-jackets and 
lunatic asylums. 

Botts closed and bolted the door, and then earnestly- 
asked, — 

“ You certainly did not agree that I should fight Cap- 
tain Bragg with a broad-axe ?” 

“No, indeed!” said Wiggins. “With much difficulty 
I obtained from Mr. Belton a compromise.” 

“ What sort of a compromise ?” asked Botts. 

“ You are to fight with just such weapons as Belton 
produces on the ground.” 

“ And not to know what they are to be until I get on 
the field ?” 

“ Such is the agreement,” said the second. 

“ Wiggins, what sort of terms are these ?” exclaimed 
Botts. 

“ They were the best I could obtain. My opinion is, 
that this Captain Bragg, although he associates with 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 43 

gentlemen, is little better than a desperado. He has 
lived among savages the greater part of his life, and, as 
I am told, has been boasting of having fought a duel 
with a boomerang, or a harpoon, or something of the 
sort. He is a reckless and desperate man, and cares not 
for consequences. Had I not agreed to the compromise 
proposed by his second, 1 am confident that he would 
have posted you as a coward.” 

“ These are hard terms,” said Botts ; “ but I suppose 
they must be accepted.” 

“They have been accepted,” said Wiggins. “And 
now I must leave you, Mr. Botts, for I have an engage- 
ment with a fair lady. At an hour before daybreak I 
will be at your room ; and we will, of course, proceed in 
company to the ground.” 

In the solitude of his chamber, Botts began to give 
way to gloomy reflections. It was evident that his 
antagonist was a most desperate and determined man. 
He had lived among savages and cannibals, and the pro- 
posal to fight with broad-axes was ample proof of the 
barbarity of his disposition. And Wiggins had consented 
that Botts should come on the ground in entire ignorance 
of the weapons to be used. Could it be doubted that his 
adversary would select some barbarous implement of 
butchery, familiar to himself but unknown to civilized 
duelists ? When the challenger took his position, a har- 
poon or a boomerang might be thrust into his hand ; or 
Bragg might enter the field armed with a tomahawk and 
scalping-knife, and raising the war-whoop. Botts was a 
brave man, but he shuddered and shivered as if an icicle 
had been thrust down his back. He saw that death was 
inevitable, and he resolved to die with decency. Having 
procured writing materials, he carefully prepared his last 
will and testament, and proceeded to execute it with the 
proper formalities. He then wrote a number of letters to 
absent friends, bidding them a final and affectionate fare- 
well. These documents he carefully sealed with black 
wax, and left lying on his table. 

Much time was consumed in these preparations, and 
before the business was concluded the sun had sunk 
behind the horizon and the stars had appeared in the 


44 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


heavens. Botts took his seat at a window ; hut he 
could not remain quiescent. The agitation of his mind 
impelled him to physical locomotion. He seized his hat 
and rushed into the street. He hurried along until he 
had reached the outskirts of the town, where he would 
not be molested by crowds of gay and happy mortals, 
talking and laughing in the full enjoyment of an existence 
of which he was so soon to be deprived. The doomed 
man now stood alone in a deserted common. He gazed 
upward at the heavens. From the innumerable multi- 
tude of shining orbs over his head, he selected a star in 
which his spirit was to dwell after its departure from 
these sublunary scenes. Botts did not return to his 
room. He thought not of his comfortable bed at the 
hotel. During the long hours of the silent night he con- 
tinued to walk to and fro on the outskirts of the town, a 
melancholy man, meditating on his latter end and gazing 
upward at the celestial dwelling-place which he had 
selected for his residence after his immolation on the 
field of honor. 


CHAPTER YIII. 

Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accom- 
panied by his second, repaired to the spot selected for the 
duel. Toney had informed his principal of the terms 
agreed upon by Wiggins and himself, and the old warrior 
forbore to make any inquiry in relation to the weapons to 
be used on the occasion; Tom Seddon having kindly 
undertaken to convey them to the ground during the 
night, so as to avoid observation. Bragg expressed his 
satisfaction with the' arrangement, and reiterated his 
readiness to fight with any weapon, even with a gun 
loaded with Greek fire, or with hot water, as Seddon 
again suggested. 

As they came in sight of the dueling-ground, Bragg 
suddenly halted and said, in a tone of vexation, — 

“Mr. Belton, we will be interrupted.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


45 


“ Why so inquired Toney. 

“ There is a gypsy camp in the grove. I perceive their 
fires among the trees.” 

“ You are mistaken, Captain Bragg. There are no 
gypsies within a hundred miles of us. No doubt Seddon 
has kindled a fire with dry sticks. Let us go on.” 

They now entered the grove, and Bragg stood still 
with a look of amazement. At twelve paces apart were 
two fires, each kept alive by a negro, who was busily 
employed in piling on fuel. Over each fire was an iron 
pot filled with water, in a state of active ebullition. In 
the space between the two fires was Tom Seddon, walk- 
ing to and fro with his hands behind his back, giving 
directions to his sable assistants who had charge of the 
pots. 

“ By the powers of mud !” exclaimed Bragg, “ what 
does this mean ?” 

“ It means,” said Toney, “that everything is prepared, 
and that we are only waiting for the arrival of Botts. 
Tom, have you got the guns ready ?” 

“ Here they are,” said Tom, producing two tin tubes 
jDainted black and about the size of a musket-barrel. Each 
had a rod projecting from one end and a nozzle on the 
other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg, saying, 
“ Here is your weapon, captain.” 

“ What is this ?” inquired Bragg. 

“ It is your gun,” said Seddon. 

“ Gun — gun ! Do you call this a gun ?” said Bragg. 

“ I most certainly do,” said Seddon. 

“ You had better load the gun, Tom,” said Belton, “ and 
show the captain how it is to be used.” 

Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot 
of boiling water nearest to him, drew back the rod. He 
then brought the tube up horizontally, and called out to 
the negro having charge of the other pot, “ Stand-out of 
the way there, Plannibal I”, Hannibal dodged to one side, 
and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a 
stream of scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of 
more than forty feet. “ There, captain,” said Tom, “ if 
Botts stands before such a discharge as that, he is as brave 
a man as ever wore breeches.” 


46 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“What devil’s work is this?” said Bragg*. “Do you 
suppose that I am going to stand over a witch’s caldron 
and have a man squirt liot water at me until he has put 
out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head ?” 

“You will have an opportunity to show your coolness 
in the midst of danger,” said Seddon; “ you will, undoubt- 
edly, put your adversary to flight. I’ll bet that Botts 
don’t stand before a single discharge. If he does, he should 
have license to beat any man’s monkey when he is in a 
belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express 
your willingness to fight with a gun loaded with hot 
water ? Now, here are the guns, and there are Caesar and 
Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition.” 

“ And it is too late to make other arrangements,” said 
Belton. “ It is broad daylight, and Botts will be on the 
ground in a moment. I hope you are not going to back 
down, Captain Bragg.” 

“ Back down I” exclaimed Bragg. “ I would have you 
know that I never back down. I would have fought with 
a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of the -sort; 
but who ever heard of hot water employed in eombats 
between man and man ? It is devil’s work !” 

“ Captain Bragg, you are mistaken,” said Seddon. Hot 
water has often been used in wars between civilized nations. 
Did you never hear of the fighting aeolipile ?” 

“ What is that?” inquired Bragg. 

“ A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected 
in the face of the enemy. The Egyptians, the Assyrians, 
and the Greeks were accustomed to use these weapons, 
and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I am cer- 
tain that you will put Botts to flight.” 

“ Hot water was used on one occasion in modern war- 
fare with great efficiency,” said Belton. “ The bravest 
troops in the army of Napoleon the Great were baffled and 
held at bay by it.” 

“ Where was that ?” asked Bragg. 

“In Spain,”* said Toney. “ The Spanish troops were 
routed. They dropped their arms on the field and fled 


We have not been able to find any account of this combat in Napier’s 
History of the Peninsular War. The historian overlooked it. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


47 


into a nunnery. The French had no artillery, and at- 
tempted to take the place by a coup de main. But the 
petticoats were prepared for them. From every window 
pails of hot water were poured down upon them. The 
French troops could stand anything but that. They fell 
back. They gave way ; whole platoons cutting the most 
prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their per- 
sons with their open palms and performing sundry difficult 
and extraordinary evolutions.” 

“ Beaten by hot water !” said Seddon. 

“ Yes,” said Toney. “ Their brave general, who bore 
on his person the scars of scores of battles, attempted to 
rally them ; but they refused to advance. Maddened by 
the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a mus- 
ket, and, rushing forward, commenced battering at the 
door with its butt. The door gave way, and the brave 
general was suddenly precipitated forward. Before he 
could recover himself the petticoats were upon him. With 
loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails 
made frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, 
and breathless, and faint, he retreated without the door. 
A shower of hot water descended from above, and, with 
a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with 
amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, 
he fell, ‘ with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.’ 
The door was closed, the petticoats stood ready at the 
windows with their pails full of hot water, and the be- 
siegers were utterly disheartened.” 

“ Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the con- 
test ?” asked Seddon. 

“ No,” said Toney. “ Napoleon rode on the field. He 
was enraged at the timidity of his troops. He ordered 
up a battalion of the Old Guard. It was all over with 
the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their 
water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the 
calendar, and made an especial appeal to Joshua, the son 
of Nun, to save them. It was of no avail. The door 
was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and 
the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians 
struck up the tune, ‘ I won’t be a Nun.’ ” 

So you see. Captain Bragg, that hot water has been 


48 


THE FUNNY PniLOSOPEERS, 


employed in both ancient and modern warfare,’’ said 
Seddon. “ And brave men have fled before it. If you 
stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts from 
yonder tube, nobody will ever dare to dispute your 
courage.” 

“ If Botts can stand it, I can,” said Bragg, doggedly. 
“ But,” said he, — and his face brightened up as he looked 
at his watch, — “ I will remain here no longer. The sun 
is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the challenger ?” 

“ Yonder comes his second,” said Seddon. 

Bragg’s countenance was instantly beclouded. 

“Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins,” said Belton. “I do 
not see your principal. Where is Mr. Botts ?” 

“ He has fled,” said Wiggins. 

“ Fled ?” said Belton. 

“ Fled !” exclaimed Bragg ; and his face became as 
radiant as the morning just then illuminated by the sun 
which had appeared above the eastern horizon. 

“ Yes,” said Wiggins, “ Botts has run off like an arrant 
poltroon.” 

“ I will post him for cowardice !” exclaimed Bragg. 

“As you please,” said Wiggins. “1 want nothing 
more to do with Mr. Botts. He attempted to assassinate 
me.” 

“ Assassinate you I” exclaimed Toney. 

“ Yes, sir ; when I informed him of the terms proposed 
by you, he attempted to take my life.” 

“ Attempted to kill his second !” said Seddon. 

“The assassin! the ruffian! the poltroon! I’ll post 
him!” said Bragg. 

“ He jumped up and aimed a blow at my head with a 
chair,” said Wiggins. 

“ An assault and battery,” said Tom. “ Liable in a 
suit for damages.” 

“ He afterwards became calm, apologized for the out- 
rage, and agreed to meet Captain Bragg at the hour 
named. But when I called for him this morning he had 
disappeared.” 

“ Disappeared !” said Toney. 

“ Yes, sir, — absconded, — fled to parts unknown.” 

“ 1 will publish him,” said Bragg. “ 1 will prepare 


OR WAGS AND SWEETNEARTS. 49 

placards with the words BOTTS and COWARD in 
letters as big as my hand I Come, Mr. Belton ; come, 
gentlemen.” 

“ Pat oat the fires, Caesar. Take care of the pots, 
Hannibal,” said Seddon. And with these instractions 
to those two distinguished personages, Tom shoaldered 
the tin tubes and followed after Bragg, who, with Belton 
and Wiggins, was proceeding with rapid strides towards 
the town. 


CHAPTER IX. 

Captain Bragg, with an appetite rendered voracious 
by his exercise in the open air at so early an hour, made 
a hearty breakfast on an abundant supply of ham and 
eggs, which Lord Byron has said is a dish good enough 
for an emperor. Having finished his repast, he arose 
from the table, and going to his apartment, proceeded to 
prepare the placard in which he intended to make known 
the poltroonery of Botts to the public. When a man’s 
mind is full of his subject, composition is performed with 
ease and rapidity. The words roll off from the end of 
the pen as naturally as water flows from a perennial 
fountain. Bragg’s writing instrument galloped across 
the paper and soon covered the foolscap with a terrible 
denunciation of the unfortunate Botts. 

The indignant duelist hurried off to a printing-office, 
and said to the proprietor, “ I want you to print this 
immediately.” 

“ Will you be so good as to furnish me with your 
name ?” said the proprietor. 

“ Of what consequence is my name to you ?” said 
Bragg. “ I want you to print the advertisement, and 
here is the money.” 

“ Can’t do it,” said the proprietor. “ Can’t put any- 
thing in my paper without the name of the party who 
furnishes it; advertisement or no advertisement, — paid 
for or not, — I can’t print it.” 

5 


50 


THE FUNNY FHILOSOPIIERS, 


“ Why not said Bragg*. 

“ Because vve can’t afford to keep a fighting editor in 
this office ; and I don’t want to get into difficulties.” 

“ What difficulties will you get into ?” said Bragg. 

“ Plenty of them. 1 don’t want my head broken with 
a cudgel, sir.” 

“ Who is going to break your head?” said Bragg. 

“ There are plenty of people in these parts to do it, sir, 
and on slight provocation. Last winter a fellow came 
into this office just before we went to press, and left an 
advertisement which he paid for, saying that he wanted 
it to appear in our issue of that day. It was a certificate 
that Samuel Crabstick, who is a bald-headed man, had 
bought a bottle of Dr. Baaiboozle’s celebrated hair oint- 
ment, and ap[)lied it to his bare scalp, and that in forty- 
eight hours after the first application a fine suit of hair 
had grown all over his head, seven inches in length. 
Well, what were the consequences, sir ? Why, the whole 
town was talking and laughing about this wonderful 
growth of hair. And next morning old Crabstick walked 
into the office, and, after much profanity, assaulted me 
with a heavy bludgeon. Had it not been for my devil, 
who came behind him and put him hors de combat with 
the hut poker, he would have broken my bones, sir. So 
your advertisement cannot go in my paper unless you 
leave your name for reference.” 

“ I don’t want it in your paper,” said Bragg. “ I 
want it printed like a hand-bill.” 

“ Oh, that alters the case. You take the responsi- 
bility.” 

“ Here I I want these three words, — look, will you ? — 
Botts — Poltroon — Coward, — printed in your largest 
letters.” 

“ We have type big enough,” said the printer, produc- 
ing some wooden blocks about three inches long. 

“Those will do,” said Bragg. “Now, go to work — 
quick — hurry I” 

In a very brief space of time Bragg had a dozen 
documents in his possession, for which be paid the 
printer and hfistened away. 

In a few moments after he had left the printing-office, 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


51 


Bragg’s tall form was seen elevated on a stool ; and he 
was in the act of pasting a hand-bill against the side of 
the hotel when he was interrupted by the landlord, who 
said, — 

“ Captain Bragg, I do not allow any bills for monkey 
shows to be pasted against my house.” 

“ This is no bill for a monkey show,” said Bragg. 

“Nor advertisements for quack medicines, neither,” 
said the landlord. 

“This is no advertisement for quack medicines,” said 
Bragg, with a look of indignation. 

“ Well, whatever it be, you can’t paste it there. I 
will not have my walls plastered over with advertise- 
ments.” / 

Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down 
from the stool with a profane expression, he went across 
the street to an apothecary’s shop. Here he was about 
to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters on 
the corner. Paste No Pills Here; some ingenious 
urchins having altered the original B to a P. Bragg 
was puzzled, and scratched his head ; and, as he did so, 
an idea entered his cranium, and he understood that this 
inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which 
he had just received from the landlord. 

Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to 
do with his documents. He had made two or three 
attempts on other houses, and had been warned off by 
the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quan- 
tity of foul water at him from an upper window as he 
was in the act of defacing the dwelling with a hand-bill ; 
and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic brogue, had 
cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums ; for there 
was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against 
all venders of quack medicines ever since a wandering 
empiric, having promised to cure an old gentleman of some 
hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic, and afterwards 
told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and 
would soon get well ; when, in fact, the patient was soon 
in the hands of the undertaker. 

Toney and Tom now came to the assistance of Bragg ; 
and Seddou, being a citizen of the’town, and acquainted 


52 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


with its localities, conducted the captain to a small tene- 
ment which was used bj a Dutchman as a stable for his 
donkey. Bragg produced his documents, and was about 
to apply the paste when the Dutchman came forth lead- 
ing his donkey, and exclaimed, “ Donner und blitzen I 
what for you do dat Tom whispered to Bragg to 
offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its 
effect, and the silver coin obtained from the proprietor of 
the stable a place for the duelist’s placard. 

Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg 
was spreading his paste on the side of the donkey’s 
dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the street. A 
crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their 
midst, covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and 
led along by two sturdy Irishmen, was a most pitiable 
and disgusting object. His face had received a coating 
of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and made 
his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His 
clothing was befouled with slime ; and the two men held 
him at arm’s length, so as to avoid the defilement of 
actual contact. 

“By the powers of mud! what is that?” exclaimed 
Bragg. 

“ One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to 
your invocation, I suppose,” said Seddon. 

“It is mud, sure enough,” said Toney. 

“ Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the 
sun,” said Seddon. 

“ Hurrah ! hurrah I” shouted the boys. 

“ Here he is — by jabers I we found him I” said an 
Irishman. 

“ Who is he ?” said Toney. 

“ Do you not know me ?” said a dolorous voice issuing 
from the mass of mud. 

“No, I do not. Who are you?” 

“ I am Botts.” 

“Botts I” said Toney. 

“ Botts I” exclaimed Seddon. 

“ Botts !” shouted Bragg. 

“ Yes, gentlemen, I am Botts.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


53 


CHAPTER X. 

It would require the perfection of language to describe 
the amazement of Captain Bragg when he beheld a slimy 
figure, looking like one of the powers by whom he con- 
tinually swore, and heard a voice issuing from its ugly 
lips, and saying I am Botts.” The placards, in which 
he was about to doom his absconding adversary to eternal 
infamy, dropped from his hand, and were picked up by a 
boy, and converted into the tail for a kite. Toney and 
Tom were also astonished at the sudden and strange 
appearance of the missing man. After a moment of 
silence, Belton said, — 

“ Where did you come from 

“ From the bottom of a well,” said an Irishman. 

“ Good heavens 1” said Pate, who had just arrived in 
company with Wiggins and Perch, — “ good heavens I did 
Botts fall into a well 

“And shure it’s not for me to say how he got there. 
We found him in the well on his knees in the wather, and 
praying to the blessed Vargin and all the saints.” 

“I’m almost dead ! I’ll never get over it 1” said Botts.. 

“ Run for a doctor I run. Perch ! run !” said Pate. 

Perch went off at the double-quick in search of medical 
aid, while Pate and Wiggins conducted their friend to the 
hotel. 

“ Don’t bring that man in here. I can’t have my house 
covered with mud and filth. Take him to the bath-house 
and wash him,” said the landlord. 

Pate pleaded and implored, but the landlord was inex- 
orable ; and they were compelled to conducj; the miserable 
man to the bath-house. With some difficulty he was di- 
vested of his clothing ; and, while Wiggins assisted him 
in performing his ablutions, Pate proceeded to his apart- 
ment and procured a change of raiment. His two friends 
then led him to his room, where they found Perch with 
the doctor. The physician examined his patient, and dis- 
covered that no bones were broken, and that there was 

5* 


54 tue funny peilosopuers' 

no internal injury of any sort. He ordered Botts a strong 
tonic, and, telling him to keep quiet in bed and he would be 
well in the morning, took his departure. Perch soon after 
left the room, saying that he had an engagement to walk 
with Miss Imogen Hazlewood. Pate and Wiggins sat 
by the bedside of their afflicted friend, who, with many a 
inoan and dolorous ejaculation, told the story of his mis- 
fortune, which we will endeavor to abbreviate and relate 
in more intelligible language. 

It will be recollected that after Botts had executed his 
last will and testament, and addressed letters of farewell to 
his friends, he had proceeded to the outskirts of the town, 
and walked to and fro over the common, meditating on 
his approaching end. About the middle of the night, as 
he continued to walk with his gaze fixed on the star which 
he had selected for his future abode, he tumbled into an 
unfinished well, about twelve feet deep, with six inches 
of water at the bottom. It being night, and he being 
under the earth, his loud cries for assistance were un- 
heard, and he remained in the well until a late hour in 
the morning, when the Irish laborers discovered him on 
his knees in the water praying fervently ; he having ex- 
perienced a change of heart, and repented of the great 
crime he had intended to commit. 

While Pate and Wiggins were consoling their friend, 
they were startled by loud shrieks from a female voice 
in an adjacent apartment. 

“ Good heavens !” said Pate. 

“ What’s that ?” exclaimed Wiggins. 

“There’s murder in the house!” bawled out Botts; 
and he jumped from his bed and ran to the door. 

“ Come back, Botts 1 you haven’t got your breeches on,” 
said Wiggins ; and he seized Botts by the caudal ex- 
tremity of his under-garment and held him with a firm 
grasp. 

Shrieks after shrieks were heard, and then the heavy 
tread of feet hurrying along the corridor. Pate and Wig- 
gins rushed to the scene of action, and beheld the land- 
lord, with loud and violent imprecations, kicking Captain 
Bragg’s monkey out of a room. The creature had got 
loose, and climbing over the transom of a door, had leaped 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


55 


down on a bed where a lady was taking her siesta. • • The 
hideous apparition had nearly thrown the fair inmate of 
the room into convulsions. 

^ “ Get out of here, you infernal imp !” said the landlord, 
giving the monkey a kick which sent it rolling-over and 
over along the corridor. The agile creature gathered 
itself up, and with an active bound sprang on the railing 
of the stairway, where it sat making ugly grimaces, and 
shaking both fists at Boniface in intense indignation. 

“ Get me a gun !” shouted the landlord, in a towering 
passion. 

“ Don’t shoot !” exclaimed Pate ; and a dozen female 
voices shrieked in apprehension of the report of fire-arms. 

“What are you doing to my monkey?” said Bragg, 
hurrying to the spot. 

“ Get out of my house with that incarnate devil of 
yours!” said the landlord. The monkey grinned and 
shook its fists, and the landlord stamped his foot and 
swore with vim and vehemence. 

“ I’ll have satisfaction for this outrage offered to my 
monkey,” said Bragg. 

“I’ll, give you satisfaction, sir I I’m no Botts, to be 
bullied by you, sir! If you don’t get out of this house, 
I’ll take you by the neck and heels and throw you out, 
and your monkey after you !” 

The landlord was a powerful and determined man. 
He had fought under Old Hickory at New Orleans. He 
stood six feet three in his stockings, and could easily 
have executed his threat. 

“ Do you not keep a house for the accommodation of 
travelers ?” said Bragg. “ For the entertainment of man 
and beast ?” 

“ But not for the entertainment of man and devil 1 
That monkey is a born devil, sir !” 

“ He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen 
of Madagascar,” said Bragg. 

“ A royal present from his Majesty the Old Boy !’^ 
said Boniface. “ He gets loose just when he pleases. 
He chased the cooks out of the kitchen, and eat op the 
eggs they had got for breakfast. He stole a negro baby 
out of its cradle and hid it in the wood-house.’^ 


66 


THE FUNNY FHILOSOPHERS, 


“He is a cannibal!” said Seddon. 

“One of the captain’s long-tailed African friends,” 
said Toney. 

“ Dines on babies,” said Tom. “ He’ll be after a 
Dutchman next.” 

“ Out of this house he goes, and you, too !” said the 
landlord. “ Here, Caesar, Scipio I carry Captain Bragg’s 
baggage down and set it on the pavement.” The negroes 
proceeded to obey orders. “ And now be off!” said Bon- 
iface. ‘ I don’t ask you to settle your bill ; I want no 
money from you. I want you to leave, and take that 
monkey with you 1” 

“You had better go,” said Seddon to Bragg, “or he 
will call on the sheriff to summon a posse comitatus and 
put you out.” 

“ I want no comitatus, Mr. Seddon,” said the landlord, 
overhearing the remark ; “ I can manage him and his 
monkey both.” 

The sagacity of Bragg enabled him to comprehend the 
situation. He perceived that the indignant Boniface was 
not to be intimidated even by a harpoon or a boomerang. 
Toney Belton had whispered to the cosmopolite that the 
landlord was the very man who had shot General Pack- 
enham from his horse, and thereby gained for Old Hick- 
ory his glorious victory on the banks of the Mississippi ; 
and Tom Seddon asseverated that he had decapitated 
three Indians with a bowie-knife, in a hand-to-hand en- 
counter, in the Everglades of Florida. Upon calm con- 
sideration Bragg determined to leave the hotel. His 
baggage was conveyed to a boarding-house which Seddon 
had found for him in the suburbs of the town. Here he 
secured comfortable quarters' for himself and an asylum 
for his monkey. 

At night, after smoking their cigars, Belton proposed 
to his friend that they should call on Botts. They were 
sitting in his room, with Wiggins, talking to the unfor- 
tunate man, and getting him in a cheerful mood by 
pleasant conversation, when Pate rushed in with horror 
depicted in his countenance. 

“ What’s the matter, Mr. Pate ?” said Belton. 

“ Oh I— oh !— oh 1” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 57 

“What’s the matter?” said Wiggins. 

“ Help — help — help I” 

“ What’s the matter ? What’s the matter ?” exclaimed 
everybody at once. 

“ Perch — Perch !” 

“ What has he done ?” said Wiggins. 

“ Has committed suicide !” 

And Pate rushed from the room like one bereft of his 
reason. Toney, Tom, and Wiggins ran after him, while 
Botts jumped from his bed and hurried through the door ; 
and several affrighted females loudly screamed as they 
beheld him swifty gliding along the corridor, in his white 
garments, and looking like a ghost. 


CHAPTER XI 

Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood were 
cousins. The former was an orphan whose father had 
died in affluence, leaving his only child a large estate. 
Her home was the magnificent mansion of her uncle, 
Colonel Hazlewood, a wealthy citizen of Bella Yista, and 
her constant companion was the beautiful Imogen. Each 
of these young ladies had a devoted lover, who, as Tom 
Seddon had remarked, would have gone on a pilgrimage 
to the North Pole in search of an icicle in obedience to 
her wishes. Clarence Hastings adored the lovely Clari- 
bel, and Imogen was worshiped by the handsome Harry 
Yincent. The young men were only sons of two wealthy 
gentlemen, and consequently each would inherit an ample 
fortune. They were highly educated and accomplished. 
Clarence had devoted himself to the study of medicine ; 
W’hile Harry was a man of leisure and had become a 
votary of the Muses, having already published a small 
volume of poems, which were admired by the general 
reader, and had even been commended by critics. But 
Clarence, although he had made great progress in 


68 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


anatomy and was satisfied that a man could not exist 
without a heart, was inclined to believe that a woman 
sometimes manag-ed to get along without that important 
organ. He arrived at this conclusion from pursuing his 
studies in the society of the lovely Claribel. Harry Vin- 
cent had discovered that the poets in all ages had used 
the word in their verses, and supposed that most women 
had a heart, but was afraid that Imogen had grown up 
in magnificent beauty without ever having had one de- 
posited by nature in her bosom. After much meditation, 
he determined to ascertain if he was not mistaken, and in 
the afternoon of the very day on which the valiant Cap- 
tain Bragg had been expelled from the hotel by the in- 
dignant landlord, he proceeded to the mansion of Colonel 
Hazlewood and inquired for Imogen. He was told that 
she was walking in the garden. Thither he went, and in 
an arbor beheld a sight which convinced him that the 
beautiful Imogen had a heart. He hastily retired, and 
determined to go to the Mexican war, and march for the 
Halls of the Montezumas. 

What spectacle was it that caused such warlike emo- 
tions in the bosom of Harry Vincent? Why was he 
so suddenly impelled to march under the star-spangled 
banner against Santa Anna and his legions, in the valley 
of Mexico ? 

Oh, women ! women ! pretty doves or pigeons ! 

How many men for you their weapons clutch ! 

For you the Grecians murdered all the Phrygians. 

And it was on account of one of the most beautiful of 
womankind that poor Harry Vincent determined to 
shoulder his musket and shed his blood on the field of 
battle. 

He rushed frantically from the garden, looking as pale 
as a ghost. But what had he seen ? On his knees in the 
arbor he beheld Sam Perch, whom Toney Belton called 
the Long Oreen Boy, with his 'head resting on the lap of 
the beautiful Imogen. The young lady was dipping her 
handkerchief in a vase of water and tenderly bathing his 
brow. Now, what had brought the poor Long Green Boy 
down on his knees before Imogen ? What had he said 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


59 


to Imogen, and what had she said to him, that had caused 
him to faint? Oh, ladies, how do you manage to get a 
stout young fellow down on his knees before you, when 
a strong man could not bring him to that position except 
by a powerful blow from a ponderous fist? The whole 
thing was a mystery, but the fact was apparent. Perch 
had gone down on his knees before the lovely Imogen, 
and she had spoken words which had caused such strong 
emotions that he had fainted. The Long Green Boy re- 
vived, after the young lady, with womanly tenderness, 
had bathed his brow with water from a fountain. He 
told her that his heart was broken. She murmured some- 
thing in reply and glided from the garden, while the poor 
youth arose from his knees and with his fractured heart 
proceeded to his room at the hotel. 

When the unfortunate Long Green Boy entered his 
room at the hotel, he seated himself on a trunk in a cor- 
ner, with a multitude of darts, which had emanated from 
the eyes of the beautiful Imogen, sticking in his heart 
and causing him intense agony. The poor youth had been 
carried away into the regions of rapture, and then sud- 
denly and unexpectedly plunged into the pit of despair. 
He was convinced that his misery was more than he 
could bear, and after meditating profoundly upon the 
most eligible methods of escaping from the troubles of 
this sublunary state of existence, he arose, and going to 
an apothecary’s shop, asked for a pint of laudanum. 

“ How much ?” inquired the apothecary. 

“ A pint,” said Perch. 

“Do you want a whole pint?” 

“ Yes,” said Perch, with a look of despair in his face, — 
“it will take a whole pint to cure me.” 

“What is the matter with you?” asked the apothe? 
cary. 

“ I have got the — the toothache,” said Perch. 

“ Humph !” said the apothecary. And he went into a 
back room to get a bottle. 

“ Father,” said a blue-eyed young lady in the back 
room, “ do not give that young man aqy laudanum.” 

“ Why not ?” 

“ Because I have been watching him through the door, 


60 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


and I am certain he is crossed in love. He will kill him- 
self.” 

“ Pooh ! pooh ! the young man has got the toothache. 
That’s worse than being crossed in love a hundred 
times.” 

“ Oh, father 1” said the young lady, and she resumed 
her reading of “ The Sorrows of Werther.” 

The apothecary filled the bottle and handed it to his 
customer. Perch returned to his room and proceeded to 
make preparations for his departure from earth. He sat 
down and wrote a letter to the cruel Imogen, in which he 
accused her of being the sole cause of his untimely end. 
He directed another letter to his distinguished friend, M. 
T. Pate, telling him that his sufferings were unendurable, 
and that he had been driven by despair to the commis- 
sion of the deed. 

With a trembling hand the Long Green Boy then 
poured about half the contents of the bottle into a goblet 
and hastily drank it off. He then laid himself down on 
the bed, crossed his legs and folded his arms, and pre- 
pared to die with decency. Instead of the lethal effects 
of the laudanum which he had expected, he soon expe- 
rienced a wonderful exhilaration. The washstand in the 
corner of the room seemed to be dancing a jig ; there 
were now two lamps on the table instead of one ; and at 
last the room itself was in motion, and the Long Green 
Boy supposed that the house was being moved about by 
an earthquake. In great excitement he arose from the 
bed, and with the floor rocking and rolling so that he 
could hardly stand on his feet, he staggered to the table, 
and, seizing the bottle, swallowed its contents. With a 
revolving motion he then reached the bed, sank down, 
and was soon in a state of profound insensibility. 

While the Long Green Boy thus lay in a stupor, M. T. 
Pate entered the apartment. He endeavored to awaken 
the sleeper, but found it impossible to do so, and seeing 
a letter on the table addressed to himself, he opened it, 
and then, with a loud exclamation of horror, rushed from 
the room. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


61 


CHAPTER XIL 

The unhappy victim of unrequited love lay on his back, 
with his face turned to the ceiling, and his arms folded 
over his bosom, as if waiting for the undertaker to come 
and ascertain his measurement, when M. T. Pate again 
entered the room, and, rushing to the side of the bed, ex- 
claimed, “ Oh I oh I oh !” 

Wiggins now burst into the room, and, looking at the 
recumbent and motionless form on the bed, also ex- 
claimed, “ Oh ! oh ! oh 

“ What’s the matter?” said Toney. 

“ He has killed himself!” said Wiggins, 

“Great thunder!” said Tom. 

“Has taken poison !” said Pate. 

“ Poison !” exclaimed Toney. “ Run for a doctor, 
Tom ! Tell him to bring a stomach-pump ! Run !” 

Tom Seddon rushed from the room in headlong haste, 
and running against Botts in the corridor, hurled him down 
a stairway. The unlucky Botts, in his night-garments, 
rolled over and over until he reached the bottom, when 
he found himself among a number of females, who loudly 
shrieked and fled in terror from the hideous apparition. 
Tom stopped not to inquire if any bones were broken, but 
went off as fast as his legs could carry him after a doctor 
to pump out the poison, while Botts rushed up the stair- 
way in his night-clothes, and put another party of females 
to flight on the upper landing. He was followed into the 
apartment, where poor Perch lay on the bed, by the land- 
lord, who was in a towering rage. 

“ Mr. Botts !” shouted the landlord, shaking his ponder- 
ous fist at Botts, who was leaning over the unfortunate 
Perch, — “ Mr. Botts ! what, do you mean by running 
about my house with no clothes on your ” 

“ Hush !” said Botts. . 

“ Hush !” said Wiggins. 

“ For Heaven’s sake, hush !” exclaimed Pate. 

The landlord glared like an enraged lion at each of the 
6 


62 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


speakers in succession, and then advancing on Botts, 
seized him by the collar and hurled him around until his 
fragile clothing was torn from his person, and Botts fell 
over a trunk and sat in a corner of the room almost in a 
state of complete nudity. 

“You shameless, impudent, outrageous, ugly beast I 
do you think that I will allow you to be running and 
racing about among the ladies in my house like a naked 
savage ?’’ 

“ Hold I” cried Wiggins. 

“ Respect the dead I” exclaimed Pate, pointing to poor 
Perch lying on the bed. 

“ Who’s dead?” said the landlord, looking aghast. 

“ Look there 1” said Pate. 

The landlord stepped forward and leaned over Perch. 

“ Who says he is dead ?” asked Boniface. 

“ He has taken poison ?” said Pate. 

“ A whole pint — enough to kill fifty men I” said Wig- 
gins. 

“He is drunk I” said the landlord. 

“ Shame ! shame I” cried Pate. 

“ Insult the dead !” exclaimed Wiggins. 

“ He is drunk I I’ll bet my hat on it!” said the land- 
lord.. 

Here Tom Seddon rushed into the room, followed by a 
doctor carrying a stomach-pump in his hand. 

“Here, doctor I here!” exclaimed Pate. “Quick! 
quick 1” 

“ Open his mouth,” said the doctor. 

Pate proceeded to obey instructions, and succeeded in 
opening the Long Green Boy’s mouth, but he unfortu- 
nately got his fingers in the orifice, and the jaws closed 
firmly on them. 

“Oh! oh! oh I” exclaimed Pate, with his forefinger 
between the teeth of the dying man. 

“ Force his jaws open,” said the doctor, holding the 
tube ready for insertion. 

“Oh*! oh! qh ! oh! gracious heavens!” exclaimed 
Pate. 

Toney Belton, by an adroit use of his thumb, succeeded 
in opening the jaws and releasing Pate, who danced about 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 63 

the room, exclaiming, ‘‘ Oh I oh ! oh 1” while the doctor 
hastily thrust the tube down his patient’s throat. 

A quantity of fluid was pumped into a basin. 

“ AVhat did you say he had taken ?” inquired the doctor, 
examining the contents of the basin. 

“ Laudanum I” said Wiggins. “ A whole pint of it.” 

“ Enough to kill a team of horses I” said Tom Seddon. 

“This is not laudanum,” said the doctor, with a look 
of intense disgust at his patient. 

“ What is it?” asked Wiggins. 

“ Brandy,” said the doctor. 

“ Just as I said,” exclaimed the landlord. “ I can tell 
a drunken man from a dead man any day.” 

The diagnosis of the landlord was correct. The wily 
apothecary had given the despairing swain a bottle of 
brandy, and instead of romantically dying for love, he had 
become stupidly drunk. 


CHAPTER XIII. 

In the morning Botts, who had been so rudely ac- 
costed and so roughly handled by the landlord in the 
apartment of the unfortunate Long Green Boy, was in 
close and earnest consultation with Wiggins. The question 
for solution was whether the landlord was a gentleman, and 
as such amenable for the insult offered to Botts by his 
language and the assault on his person. The Thirty-nine 
A rticles of the Code of Honor were carefully consulted, and 
tie question was finally determined in the affirmative. 
The social status of the offender being settled, Wiggins 
undertook to carry a cartel from Botts to Boniface. 

Wiggins found the landlord in his office making out bills 
and handed him Botts’s invitation to the field of honor. 

“ What’s this ?” asked the landlord. 

“ It is a note from Mr. Botts,” said Wiggins. “Be so 
good as to read it and then refer me to your friend, so 


64 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


that there may be arrangements made for a speedy 
meeting.” 

The landlord looked over the paper and then picked 
up a big cudgel, which leaned against the wall, and ad- 
vanced towards Wiggins, who began to retreat. 

, “Oh, you need not run,” said Boniface, — “I am not 
going to thrash you. But where is Botts?” 

“ In his room,” said Wiggins. 

“ ril break every bone in his body!” said the landlord. 

“What ?” said Wiggins. 

“Pll pound his worthless carcass to a jelly !” And he 
started toward the door. 

“ Hold !” cried Wiggins. “ Are you not a gentleman ? 
If not, in behalf of my principal I now withdraw the 
challenge.” 

“ Who is your principal ?” exclaimed the landlord. “A 
man who comes into my house to turn it upside down I 
Gets into a muss with a monkey as soon as he arrives I 
Pretends he wants to fight Captain Bragg and then hides 
himself like a white-livered poltroon in the bottom of a 
well ! Amuses himself by running and racing among 
the ladies like a naked Caliban and frightening my female 
boarders out of their wits ! I’ll give him satisfaction, — . 
the ugly brute 1” 

The landlord began to ascend the stairway, breathing 
vengeance against Botts. Wiggins caught him by the 
tail of his coat and called out, “Hold! hold! I com- 
mand the peace !” 

“ Are you a magistrate ?” said the landlord. 

“ No ; but I am a good citizen, and in the name of the 
law I command the peace !” 

“Let me go!” said the landlord, flourishing his 
cudgel. “Let me go! If you tear my coat-tail off, I 
will ” 

Here a number of ladies appeared on the upper land- 
ing and opposed a barrier of beauty between the landlord 
and Botts, whose ugly visage was seen in their rear. 
Several gentlemen were in the corridor at the foot of the 
stairway, and among them a fat and funny little fellow, 
who stood gazing at the scene with a most comical ex- 
pression of countenance. The landlord struggled to get 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


65 


free, but Wiggins held on to the tail of his coat with the 
tenacity of a terrier. 

“ Let me go, I say I” shouted Boniface, shaking his 
cudgel at Botts. 

The ladies screamed and Botts looked amazed. ^Sud- 
denly a voice was heard issuing from the mouth of the 
challenger, exclaiming, “ Save me, ladies I oh, save me I 
save me I’’ 

“ What I begging, you ugly beast I” exclaimed the 
landlord. “Yes, you had better beg I” 

“ Oh, ladies I” exclaimed Botts, in piteous tones. 
“Don’t let him murder me I I put myself under your 
protection I” 

“ Who ever heard the like ?” said a gentleman stand- 
ing at the foot of the stairway. “ The pitiful poltroon 1 
Come away, landlord I You wouldn’t beat a man who 
has put himself under the protection of the women !” 

The ladies gathered round Botts, and vowed that they 
would protect him. Botts was amazed at their tender 
solicitude in his behalf. The landlord was puzzled. He 
dropped his cudgel and walked back to his office, followed 
by Wiggins, who was intensely disgusted at the pol- 
troonery of his principal. 

“ Look here, Wiggins,” said Boniface, “ I can’t thrash 
a man who begs for mercy and puts himself under the 
protection of petticoats, but tell him to get out of my 
house. There has been- nothing but confusion in it since 
he came. Let him be off, and tell him to take that 
drunken fellow Perch with him.” 

Wiggins undertook to convey the message of the 
landlord to Botts and the Long Green Boy. Just then 
Toney and Tom entered, and the former espying the 
fat little fellow standing in the corridor, exclaimed, 
“ Why, Charley ! how are you ? where did you come 
from ?” 

“ Toney, my boy, glad to see you I I’ve just arrived.” 

“ Let me introduce you to my friend Tom Seddon,” 
said Toney. “ Tom, this is Charley Tickle, an old 
college friend.” 

Seddon and Tickle shook hands, and looked as if they 
intended to be most excellent friends. 

6 * 


C6 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ Charley,” said Toney, “ we have not met since we 
parted at college. Where have you been 

“All over the world, Toney. I have traveled exten- 
sively, I can tell you. I have been a lecturer, a biologist, 
an artist, and am now a professor. Mind that you: 
always give me my title when we go into company 
together.” 

“ Where is your local habitation at present?” 

“I am studying phrenology under the learned Pro- 
fessor Boneskull.” 

“ Who is he ?” 

“A celebrated phrenologist. A few days ago he ar- 
rived in your town of Mapleton, and has there rented a 
house. You will find him flourishing when you go back. 
The room in which he receives visitors will cause you to 
open your eyes with wonder and awe.” 

“ Why so ?” said Toney. 

“ When you enter, you will see opposite the door a 
bust of Socrates, and on its head is perched a prodigious 
owl. If I am with you, the owl will speak to us and 
say, * How do you do, gentlemen ? — I am glad to see 
5mu.’ ” 

“ It must be a parrot,” said Seddon. 

“No, Mr. Seddon, it is an owl. He never speaks 
except when I am present, and then he sometimes 
becomes quite eloquent. There is evidently something 
supernatural about the bird, and I have suggested to 
Boneskull that it may be a fairy. He has consulted it 
on several occasions, and has received most excellent 
advice.” 

“ No doubt of it,” said Toney. “ The owl is the bird 
of wisdom.” 

“ Boneskull has a number of animals, birds, and reptiles 
stuffed, and arranged around his room in glass cases. To 
show you how implicitly the learned man relies upon 
what is uttered by the bird of wisdom, I will relate one 
or two incidents. One morning I met a young fellow 
who had a rat which he had skinned and stuffed, and 
having ingeniously fastened bristles to its tail, was per- 
suading people that it was a squirrel. I told him to take 
it to Boneskull. When I entered his study, the learned 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


HY 

man was examining this curious specimen, and shaking 
his head rather dubiously. But on my entrance, the owl 
spoke and assured him it was a genuine squirrel, _and of 
a very rare species ; whereupon he purchased it, and it 
now forms a part of his collection.” 

“But how happens it,” said Seddon, “that the bird 
never speaks except when you are present ?” 

“ Oh, that is easily accounted for,” said Tickle. “ The 
bird of wisdom has a vast deal of discretion. He will 
not commit himself by any utterance except in the pres- 
ence of a reliable witness. In me he has confidence, and 
in no other living man, I one day told a man to take a 
skull, which he had found, to the phrenologist, and that 
he would get a good price for it. When T entered. Bone- 
skull had it in his hand and was carefully examining it. 
The owl now spoke, and said that it was the skull of a 
distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo, which a mis- 
sionary had brought home with him on his return from 
Africa. Boneskull was delighted with this information. 
He purchased the skull, and always has it before him on 
his table. It affords him great pleasure to point out its 
intellectual developments as indicated by the bumps. 
He says that an intellect once resided in that cranium 
equal to that of Clay, Webster, or Calhoun, and that its 
bumps clearly demonstrate that the negro is the equal of 
the white man in mental capacity. The vender of this 
valuable specimen of craniology afterwards told me that 
it was the skull of an idiot who had died in the alms- 
house ; but I did not believe him, for how could I doubt 
the veracity and intelligence of the bird of wisdom ?” 

Here the conversation was interrupted by the appear- 
ance of Botts and Perch, accompanied by Pate and Wig- 
gins, and followed by Scipio, Hannibal, and Caesar carry- 
ing the baggage of the two former gentlemen. Toney 
and his friends walked with them to the cars. On the 
way Wiggins and Botts got into a warm altercation, and 
the latter became much excited as Wiggins upbraided him 
with having shown the white feather when menaced by 
the landlord’s cudgel. 

“ I tell you,” exclaimed Botts, “ I never uttered a 
word.” 


68 


TEE FUNNY PEILOSOFHERS, 


“You did,” said Scipio, who was walking behind with 
a trunk on his shoulder. 

“What’s that you say?” shouted Botts, turning round 
and looking at Scipio with a most malignant aspect. 

“Indeed, Massa Botts,” exclaimed Scipio, “I didn’t 
say nothing.” 

“ Botts begged I” said Hannibal. “ Yaw* ! haw ! haw !” 

“Asked the women to save him from a beating I” said 
Caesar. “Yaw! haw! haw!” 

Botts stood glaring at the negroes like a ferocious 
Vild beast. His ugly visage became absolutely frightful. 
Lifting up his cane, he suddenly charged on Caesar, who 
dropped the trunk he was carrying and fled with precipi- 
tation, followed by Scipio and Hannibal. Botts followed 
the fugitives, bellowing out oaths and brandishing his 
cane until they reached the hotel, when they darted into 
the basement-story, and hid themselves in some place of 
refuge. 

The landlord was standing on the veranda of the hotel, 
and beheld Scipio and his comrades flying before the in- 
furiated Botts. He turned white with rage and roared 
out, in a tone of thunder, “Making another muss, are you ? 
Can’t you be off without raising a row with my negroes ? 
I’ll settle with you, now there are no petticoats to protect 
you.” And the landlord rushed into the house for his 
cudgel. Botts, having put Scipio, Hannibal, and Caesar 
to flight, had glory enough for one day, and without 
waiting to encounter another antagonist, hastily returned 
to his companions. Pate and Perch were in great agita- 
tion, while Toney and Tom were convulsed with laughter. 
The Professor.stood quietly looking on with a grave and 
serious aspect. After relieving himself by the discharge 
of a quantity of profanity, Botts was somewhat pacified 
by Pate. The trunks were loaded on a wheelbarrow 
by a sturdy Hibernian, and conveyed to their place of 
destination ; and Perch and his companion, bidding 
their friends an affectionate farewell, entered a car and 
were soon wafted away from the beautiful town of Bella 
Yista. 

Pate and Wiggins returned to the hotel, while Toney, 
Tom, and the Professor sauntered around until a train of 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


69 


cars stopped, and three daintily dressed young men got out. 
These gentlemen all recognized Toney Belton, and were 
introduced by him to his friends as Messrs. Love, Dove, 
and Bliss. 


CHAPTER XIV. 

After an interchange of salutations. Dove, who was a 
little man, about five feet three inches in height, most 
elaborately dressed, tapped the toe of his highly polished 
French boot with an elegant cane, so fragile that it seemed 
to have been constructed for the purpose of beating off 
butterflies and other annoying insects, and then asked after 
M. T. Pate, and inquired the way to the hotel. Having 
received satisfactory information from Toney in response 
to his inquiries, he took Love by the arm, and, followed by 
Bliss, proceeded up the street. 

“ Those are pretty little men,’^ said the Professor, look- 
ing after them with a peculiar expression of fun lurking 
around the corner of his mouth and twinkling in his eye. 
“ What did you say their names were ‘f” 

“ Love, Dove, and Bliss,” said Toney. 

“ Love and Dove are the two who have their wings 
locked together ?” asked the Professor. 

“Yes,” said Toney. “And Bliss is walking behind.” 

“ That is a proper programme,” said the Professor. 

“ When Love and Dove go together. Bliss should 
always accompany them.” 

“Now, Tom,” said Toney, “you have seen the whole 
seven.” 

“ The whole seven !” said the Professor. “ Who are 
they ?” 

“ The Seven Sweethearts,” said Toney. 

“The Seven Sweethearts!” exclaimed the Professor. 

“ An organization,” said Toney, “ which originated in 
Mapleton, and now has numerous ramifications all over 
the country.” 


10 


THE FUNNY PniLOSOPIIERS, 


“ Indeed !” said the Professor. “ I have traveled much 
but never heard of such an organization until now.’’ 

“ Then you would like to know something about the 
M3"stic Order of Seven Sweethearts ?” said Seddon. 

“Very much,” said the Professor. ‘‘I am compiling 
a new work on zoology, and will devote a chapter to the 
species of animal you have mentioned.” 

‘‘ Toney will give you a history of the origin and objects 
of the organization,” said Tom. 

“ With the greatest pleasure,” said Toney. “ But come, 
let us light our cigars and take seats on yonder bench 
under the trees and make ourselves comfortable.” 

The three friends proceeded to the spot designated, and 
while the fragrant smoke was rolling olf from their cigars, 
Toney gave an account of the Mystic Brotherhood, such 
as Seddon had already been made acquainted with ; fol- 
lowing it up with a recital of the events which had re- 
cently transpired in the town of Bella Yista ; including a 
graphic description of the combat between Botts and the 
monkey in the ball-room ; the contemplated duel between 
Botts and Bragg, and its singular termination ; the terrible 
quarrel between the latter and the landlord, and the expul- 
sion of the valiant captain from the hotel ; the abortive 
attempt of Perch to commit suicide, and the scenes that 
ensued up to the time of the arrival of Tickle. The Pro- 
fessor listened with grav^e interest, and occasionally made 
a note in a little book which he drew from his pocket and 
held in his hand. When Toney had concluded, he ex- 
claimed, — 

“ Well, Toney, I thought that I knew something, but 
you are a long way ahead of me, my boy, in useful knowl- 
edge. Let me see.” And he looked over his notes. “ The 
Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. An order founded 
on principles of benevolence. Its object the welfare of 
women. To prevent marriages. Single women much 
happier than those who are married. A grand idea of 
M. T. Pate. Toney, this organization must flourish. It 
will soon get far ahead of the Order of Seven Wise Men. 
But it must have leaders. Who are its officers?” 

“ I have a list of them here,” said Toney, drawing a 
paper from his pocket-book. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 71 


“ What is this ?” said the Professor, taking the paper 
in his hand and glancing over it. It read as follows ; 


N. G. G. 

M. W. D. 
P. 0. P. F 
G. G. G. 

D. A. . 

N. N. . 
W. W. . 


M. O. 0. S. S. 

. . . . M. T. Pate. 


. Wm. Wiggins. 

. Edward Botts. 

. Samuel Perch. 

. Lucius Love. 

. Altamont Dove. 

. Marmaduke Bliss. 


“ What do those letters signify said the Professor. 

“ I have been puzzling my head over them for a long 
while,” said Toney. “ Suppose you and Tom Seddon 
now aid me in deciphering them.” 

“Agreed !” said Tom. 

“ N. G. G.,” said the Professor. “What does that 
mean ?” 

“ I can’t make it out,” said Toney. 

“Noble Grand Gander,” suggested Tom. 

“ Good !” said Toney. “ Tom, you are an (Edipus !” 

“M. T. Pate is the Noble Grand Gander of the organi- 
zation,” said the Professor, making an entry in his book. 
“ M. W. D. What does that signify?” 

“ You are too hard for me,” said Toney. 

“Most Worthy Donkey,” said Tom. 

“ Hurrah 1” said Toney, — “that’s it, I am certain. 
Tom, you should open a guessing school, — you would 
make your fortune.” 

“ P. 0. P. F.,” said the Professor. “ What’s that ?” 

“ Can’t you guess, Tom ?” said Toney. 

“ I am balked,” said Tom. 

“ Botts ?” said the Professor. “ Is he the handsome 
man who was chasing the negroes ?” 

“ The same,” said Toney. 

“Prince Of Pretty Fellows,” suggested the Professor. 

“That’s it I excellent!” exclaimed Toney. 

“ G. G. G. ?” said the Professor. 

“ Great Green Gosling,” said Tom. 

“Perch is the Great Green Gosling,” said the Profes- 


•72 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


sor, making an entry in his book. “And now for Love. 
What is the signification of D. A.?”' 

“ Dainty Adorer,” said Toney ; and the Professor made 
a note, and then inquired the meaning of N. N. 

“ Noble Nonentity,” said Tom. 

“That hits Dove exactly,” said Toney. 

“ There is one more,” said the Professor. 

“What is that?” asked Toney. 

“ W. W.,” said the Professor. 

“Winsome Wooer,” suggested Seddon. 

“ That completes the list,” said the Professor, looking 
over his note-book and making another entry. 

“Bliss is the Winsome Wooer. Toney, how did you 
procure this curious document ?” 

“ It came into my possession under very extraordinary 
circumstances,” said Toney. “Would you like to hear 
the story?” 

“ I would, indeed,” said the Professor. 

“ Let us have it,” said Tom. 

“ You have heard me speak of the Widow Wild, who 
lives in the vicinity of Mapleton ?” said Toney. 

“Frequently,” Said Tom. 

“ The widow has a very handsome residence, and in 
it dwells a very pretty daughter.” 

“The lovely Rosabel Wild?” said Tom. 

“How did you learn her name ?” inquired Toney. 

“Oh, I have learned that and much more in addition,” 
said Tom. 

“ What more ?” said Toney. 

“ I have been credibly informed that a certain young 
lawyer, who answers to the name of Toney Belton, and 
who seldom deigns to look at any other woman, is won- 
derfully enchanted and woefully bewitched by the lovely 
Rosabel Wild. Is it not so ? Come, make a clean breast 
of it, Toney. An honest confession is good for the 
soul ?” 

“Well, Tom, I will be candid with you, and say, in 
sailor’s phraseology, that if I were about to embark on a 
voyage of matrimony, as captain of the craft I would like 
to have Rosabel Wild for my mate. But the widow is 
very eccentric, and has often declared, in the most em- 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


13 


phatic terms, that no man can marry her daughter unless 
he is worth a hundred thousand dollars. Now, you know 
that I have not got a hundred thousand dollars,” 

“But your bachelor uncle. Colonel Abraham Belton, 
has, and you will be his heir.” 

“ That is by no means so certain as you seem to sup- 
pose. Colonel Abraham Belton, although he has lived 
longer than yourself by some twenty years, is really as 
young a man as either of us, for nature has given him a 
constitution of iron. He is so tough that time has never 
been able to plow a furrow in his face, nor has he a gray 
hair in his whiskers. He may marry a wife.” 

“Very true,” said the Professor; “and she may raise 
up children unto Abraham.” 

“ And,” said Toney, “ the children of Abraham may 
deprive me of the hundred thousand dollars.” 

“ Toney, you are a man of sense,” said the Professor; 
“ and the French maxim-maker says that a wise man 
may sometimes love like a madman, but never like a fool. 
But let us hear your story.” 

“ Well, you must know that I am really a very great 
favorite with the Widow Wild, although I have not the 
requisite sum for a son-in-law. I believe that Rosabel 
would be willing to wait until I get the hundred thou- 
sand dollars. Indeed, to be candid, I have consulted her, 
and she has expressed a decided determination to do so. 
This, however, is a profound secret between the young 
lady and myself, which we have never confided to the 
widow. I am often at the house.” 

“ I should suppose so,” said Tom. 

“ On a certain evening I was there, and the clock 
striking eleven, I rose and was about to take my leave, 
when the widow urged me to remain, saying that she had 
received an intimation that Love, Dove, and Bliss, who, 
you must know, sing as sweetly as nightingales, were 
coming to entertain Rosabel with a serenade. Now, the 
widow has a singular antipathy to the Seven Sweet- 
hearts, and not one of them can gain admission to her 
mansion ; but Love, Dove, and Bliss had met Rosabel a 
few nights before at a party, where Dove kept fluttering 
around her until the widow, who was also present, ex- 

1 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


Y4 

pressed a desire to take him home and put him in a cage 
with her canary-bird. It was a fine moonlight night, and 
we sat conversing in the parlor until about twelve o’clock, 
when we heard the voice of Dove under Rosabel’s win- 
dow, singing, in mellifluous notes, — 

‘Wake, fairest, awake ! at thy window now be; 

The moon on the midnight her splendor is pouring. 

Wake, fairest, awake! from thy window now see, 

Like a saint at his shrine, thy lover adoring. • 

‘ Come, beautiful, forth on thy balcony high. 

While silver-toned music around thee is floating; 

And yon shooting-star shall come down from the sky. 

Like a slave at thy feet his homage devoting. 

‘Nay, venture not, dearest! lest over the air 

Some spirits should chance to be wand’ring this even; 

And, deeming thee some truant angel now there. 

Might steal thee away to their home in the heaven.’ 

“‘Rosabel,’ said I, ‘bow can you refrain from jump- 
ing out the window when a pretty little man like Dove 
invites you to come forth and behold “ thy lover ador- 
ing” V 

“‘But,’ said Rosabel, ‘in the last verse he warns me 
not to venture.’ 

“ ‘ That is true,’ said I ; ‘ the little man manifests a 
wonderful solicitude for your safety.^ He is apprehensive 
lest you might be arrested as a runaway angel, — a fugi- 
tive from service.’ 

“ ‘ Hist ! hist !’ said Rosabel. 

“ ‘ That is Love,’ said I; and the voice of the serenader 
was heard singing, — 

‘ The silvery cloudlets now are weeping, love. 

Sweet dewdrops on the flowers. 

And mellow moonlight now is creeping, love. 

Under the ivy bowers. 

And thou hast heard the vesper hymn 
That stirred the balmy air. 

When, as the shadows grew more dim. 

The pious met in prayer. 

‘ Their sacred rosaries they were counting, love, 

Unto their saints in heaven. 

And telling them to what a mountain, love. 

Their sins had grown this even. 


OR ^YAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


15 


' While thus to saints on high they pour 
Their prayers at evening bland, 

I am contented to adore 
An angel near at hand.’ 

“ ‘ Oh, Rosabel !’ I exclaimed, ‘I always thought you 
were an angel, and now I know it, for both Love and 
Dove have testified to the fact. Out of the mouths of 
two witnesses has the truth been established. You are 
an angel, Rosabel, but please don’t fly away.’ 

“‘Nonsense, Toney I Don’t go crazy. Be quiet — 
hush ! Listen I’ 

“ ‘ That is Bliss,’ said I ; and we heard him singing, — 


^My little, lovely, laughing maid ! 

So great a thief thou art, 

I do declare, I am afraid 
Thou’st stolen all my heart. 

^ Thou’st stolen the lily’s purest white, 

Thou’st stolen the rose’s hue, 

Thou’st stolen each flow’ret’s beauties bright, 
And stolen my poor heart too. 

*Well, little rogue, come help yourself. 

Your robberies repeat. 

And take the rest of the poor elf 
Who’s sighing at your feet.’ 


“ ‘ He accuses you'of felony,’ said I. ‘ Oh, Rosabel I 
'why did you, after having perpetrated so many larcenies 
among the flower-beds, steal the poor little man’s heart ?’ 

“ ‘ What would I want with his heart V said Rosabel, 
pouting. 

“ ‘ He tells you to keep it, and makes an offer of him- 
self. He offers you Bliss.’ 

“ ‘ The impudent little scamp !’ said the widow. ‘ Tell 
Juba and Jugurtha to come here.’ 

“ ‘ Yes, ma’am,’ said a colored girl, who stood grinning 
behind the widow’s chair. 

“ Two gigantic negro men soon made their appearance. 

“ ‘ Are the dogs in the kennel V said the widow. 

“‘Yes, ma’am,’ said Juba. 

“‘Oh, mother!’ exclaimed Rosabel, ‘you won’t do 
that! It is a pity!’ 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


76 


“ ‘ Indeed I will,’ said the widow. ‘ Let them loose I’ 

“‘Yes, ma’am and Juba and Jugurtha grinned, and 
each uttered a low chuckle as they hurried from the room. 

“The voice of Dove was warbling another melody. It 
stopped suddenly, for the baying of hounds was heard 
on the opposite side of the house. I looked out the win- 
dow, and in the moonlight could see Love and Bliss 
leaping over the paling fence. Dove was climbing an 
apple-tree, when a dog seized him behind and tore away 
his tail ” 

“ AVhat !” said the Professor. 

“ The tail of his coat,” said Toney. “Dove took refuge 
among the branches of the tree. 

“ After awhile Juba entered the room showing his ivory 
and exhibiting a piece of broadcloth, which he held in his 
hand as a trophy. 

“ ‘What is that?’ asked the widow. 

“ ‘ Dunno, ma’am, — I tuk it from Trouncer.’ 

“ ‘ Let me look,’ said I. ‘ Why, it’s Dove’s tail I’ 

“ The widow shrieked with laughter, and Rosabel hid 
her face on the cushion of the sofa and shook as if she 
had an ague. I put my hand in the pocket and drew out 
a number of papers. 

“ ‘ What are those ?’ said the widow. 

“ ‘ Love-letters,’ said I. ‘ Here, Rosabel, you can read 
them.’ 

“ ‘ And those ?’ said the widow. 

“ ‘ Verses,’ said I, — ‘ songs and sonnets. Rosabel, you 
can copy them into your album.’ 

“ ‘ And that ?’ said the widow. 

“ ‘ Why,’ said I, ‘ this puzzles me.’ 

“ ‘ What does M. 0. 0. S. S. mean ?’ asked the widow. 

“ ‘ Oh, I know what that means,’ said I. 

“ ‘ What ?’ said Rosabel. 

“ ‘ It signilies Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts.’ 
And I gave Rosabel and her mother an account of the 
Sweethearts, which excited much merriment. 

“ ‘ But these letters, N. 0. O. and M. W. D., — what do 
they mean ?’ asked the widow. 

“ ‘ That I cannot tell,’ said I. 

“ ‘ Do try to find out,’ said Rosabel. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


11 


I promised to do so, and have ever since retained the 
paper in my possession for the purpose of deciphering it.’’ 

“ But what became of Dove ?” asked the Professor. 

“I must tell you,” said Toney. “When I retired I 
could not sleep. I thought about Rosabel, and then 
about Dove in the apple-tree, and then I would roar with 
laughter ; and Rosabel and her mother must have heard 
me, for I could hear explosions of’ mirth in an adjoining 
apartment. Towards morning I got into a doze and was 
dreaming that I had a hundred thousand dollars, and had 
purchased a diamond ring for Rosabel, who had ordered 
her bridal attire, when I was awakened by hearing voices 
in the garden. I jumped out of bed and ran to the win- 
dow. It was daylight, and under the apple-tree I beheld 
Juba walking to and fro with the steady pace of a Roman 
sentinel. Dove was perched on a bough over his head, 
and I could hear him in piteous tones begging the negro 
to tie up the dogs. For a long while his supplications 
made no impression on the obdurate African. Finally 
he drew a coin of glittering gold from the pocket of his 
vest, and the tempting bribe produced the desired effect. 
The dogs were tied up, and Dove dropped from the 
tree, and leaped over the fence and vanished.” 

Just then the loud sound of a gong, announcing the 
arrival of the h.our for dinner, was heard, and Toney and 
his friends arose from their seats and walked toward the 
hotel. 


CHAPTER XV 

In the afternoou, as the sun was descending towards 
the western horizon, and the balmy breezes were gently 
stirring the leaves of the silver maples which shaded the 
main avenue leading from the hotel, Toney, in company 
with Tom and the Professor, proceeded on a promenade. 
They had not gone far before they perceived Harry Vin- 
cent and Clarence Hastings just in advance of them, 
walking slowly and apparently engaged in earnest con- 


'78 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPEERS, 


versation. They overheard Harry say, “I tell you my 
mind is made up. I am off for Mexico, and I want you 
to go with me.” 

Clarence shook his head. His mind was not yet made 
up. 

‘‘ Did you hear that?” said Toney. 

“ Yes,” said Tom. “ Harry is going to Mexico.” 

“ Do you mean the tall, handsome young man walking 
on the left ?” said the Professor. 

“ The same,” said Toney. 

“ I thought he had military glory in his mind as soon 
as I saw him,” said the Professor. 

“ Why so?” asked Toney. 

“ A close observer can sometimes tell what is in a man’s 
mind by his walk,” said the Professor. “ From the erect 
manner in which the young man carried his head and 
the determined tread with which he brought down his 
foot, I was certain that he had resolved on a march for 
the Halls of the Montezumas.” 

The Professor and his two friends had now halted 
under a tree and were engaged in conversation, when 
Claribel and Wiggins came by, and as they passed Harry 
and Clarence, Wiggins bowed, but the lovely Claribel 
never turned her head. 

“Did you observe that?” said Seddon. 

“ I did,” said Tony. 

“ Military glory is getting into the mind of the other 
young gentleman, I think,” said the Professor. “ He 
seems to be half a head taller than he was a moment 
ago, and his foot comes down with a determination that 
indicates no benevolent intentions towards Santa Anna 
and his myrmidons. But, look I yonder comes our three 
pretty little men.” 

Love now passed them, followed by Dove and Bliss, 
each escorting a very beautiful young lady. Love seemed 
to be supremely happy, and in terms of rapture was direct- 
ing the attention of the smiling beauty to the magnifi- 
cent sunset. 


“Yon sun that sets upon the sea 
We follow in his flight; 

Farewell, awhile, to him and thee 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


79 


TJgh ! ugh ! ugh !” exclaimed Love ; and the lady loudly 
shrieked as he was lifted from his feet and rudely carried 
away from her side. 

A mischievous dog had assaulted an aged sow of mon- 
strous proportions, which was quietly rooting in the 
street, and the affrighted porker frantically rushed be- 
tween the legs of the beau and galloped off with him on 
her back. Love was half paralyzed with terror, lie 
fell forward on the back of the sow and convulsively 
grasped her by the ears. The ladies fled screaming to- 
ward the hotel, while Dove and Bliss stood petrified with 
astonishment. Toney, Tom, and the Professor ran at full 
speed after Love, who was rapidly galloping away on 
the back of his courser. The dog, delighted with the 
sport, kept pinching the hams of the sow, and in the 
hope of escaping from her ruthless tormentor, she diverged 
from the main avenue and ran across a common to a poud 
of mud and water. Into the pond plunged the sow with 
the unfortunate beau on her back, scattering a flock of 
ducks, that with loud quacks fluttered up the banks, 
where stood the dog barking and bobbing his head in the 
full enjoyment of the fun. 

In a few moments groups of men and boys were as- 
sembled on the margin of the poud. Love sat on the 
back of the sow bespattered with mud, and still tena- 
ciously holding on by her long, pendant ears. Suddenly 
a voice was heard, apparently issuing from the mouth of 
the porker, and exclaiming, “Let go my ears!” 

“Golly! did you hear that?” exclaimed Caesar, with 
his eyes dilating in amazement. 

“ The hog’s talking,” said Hannibal. 

“That beats Balaam’s ass!” said Tom Seddon. 

“ Get off my back !” shrieked the sow, and Love, in the 
utmost terror, rolled off into the mud. The sow slowly 
waded towards the bank and gazed up at the dog with a 
look of indignation. Her canine persecutor was put to 
flight by a stone hurled from the hand of Hannibal, when 
she ascended the bank, and, shaking the mud from her 
sides, with a grunt trotted off, and was soon seen indus- 
triously digging with her nose in a sward of clover. 

“ Jehosophat ! that hog talked,” said Hannibal. 


80 


THE FUNNY PEILOSOPnERSy 


“Nonsense !“ said Toney. 

“ ’Deed, Massa Belton, that old sow talked. I heerd 
her talkin’ myself,” said Caesar. 

“The devil’s in the swine,” said Seddon. 

“I b’lieves that old sow’s the debbil,” said Hannibal. 

“Pshaw!” said Toney, “it was some boy you heard 
talking. Do you suppose that the hogs in this town have 
the gift of gab? Here, help Mr. Love out of the pond.” 

The unfortunate beau sat helplessly in the midst of the 
mud and water, and was turning his eyes imploringly 
towards Dove and Bliss, who stood on the bank. 

“ Wade in and help him out,” said Toney to the 
negroes. 

Caesar and Hannibal both shook their heads. 

“ Here, take this,” said Toney, handing each a silver 
coin. “ Now, wade in.” 

Caesar and Hannibal commenced slowly rolling up the 
legs of their trousers until they had gathered them in 
bundles above their knees. They then with much de- 
liberation waded to the middle of the pond, and each 
taking Love by an arm, lifted him up, and bringing him 
ashore, laid him down on the bank. 

“ Get that wheelbarrow,” said Toney, pointing* to a 
vehicle of the sort which had been left on the common. 

Caesar brought the barrow, and Hannibal lifted Love 
up and deposited him in the bottom of the vehicle, and, 
followed by a procession of people, carried the luckless 
beau back to the hotel. 

“ Take him to the bath-house,” said the landlord. 

The negroes obeyed orders, and left Love in the care 
of Dove and Bliss. 

“ That hog talked,” said Caesar. 

“ Sartingly 1” said Hannibal. “ Golly 1 who ever heerd 
a hog talk afore dat ?” 

“ Those African gentlemen are fully persuaded that 
the sow spoke,” said Seddon to the Professor. 

“ It may be so,” said the Professor. “ She was under 
the influence of Love, and that has been known to pro- 
duce miraculous results.” 

In the mean while, Wiggins and the lovely Claribel, 
in utter ignorance of the melancholy catastrophe just 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


81 


related, had continued their walk until they entered a 
delightful grove on the outskirts of the town. Here was 
a beautiful fountain and a rustic bench, around which 
hung a canopy of clustering vines. Claribel was about 
to seat herself on the bench when a hideous head was 
thrust out from among the vines. The lady uttered a 
faint scream and swooned in terror. Wiggins was dread- 
fully startled, and drawing back a cane with a leaden 
bullet enveloped in gutta-percha on its end, dealt a blow 
on the head of the apparition which would have cracked 
the skull of an ox. The monster fell back dead in the 
bushes. Wiggins now turned his attention to his fair 
companion. She was unconscious. He lifted her up, 
and, with the lovely Claribel in his arms, seated himself 
on the rustic bench. Her head rested against his bosom, 
and Wiggins bent down until his mouth accidentally 
came in contact with her ruby lips. It was an accident, 
and Wiggins did not intend to commit a trespass, but he 
could not help it. Wiggins kissed Claribel on her deli- 
cious little mouth. Now, who ever kissed a lovely young 
lady once without wanting to kiss her again ? Wiggins 
kissed her again, and then several times in rapid succes- 
sion. 'Just then Harry Yincent and Clarence Hastings, 
unperceived by Wiggins, entered the grove. They stood 
still in astonishment. An expression of horror was de- 
picted on the countenance of Clarence. For a moment 
he stood as if rooted to the earth. Then pulling Harry 
by the arm, he said, in a hoarse whisper, “ Come!” The 
young men walked on in silence for about five minutes, 
when Clarence said, “ Harry, I will go with you to the 
Mexican war.” 


82 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER XYI. 

On the morning after the events related in the pre- 
ceding chapter, the ladies at the hotel could talk of 
nothing but Love. Love seemed to occupy all their 
thoughts, and at breakfast many a pair of beautiful eyes 
were directed towards the door of the saloon each time 
it opened, in eager expectation of his appearance. But 
he did not appear, and many young damsels retired from 
the table sadly disappointed by his invisibility. At about 
ten o’clock in the morning a rumor became prevalent that 
Love was about to appear, and many a pretty face might 
be seen peeping from a half-opened door, evidently for 
the purpose of getting a glimpse of the Dainty Adorer 
when he came forth. Soon the heavy tramp of feet was 
heard in the corridor, as Scipio, Caesar, and* Hannibal 
marched along carrying trunks with the names of Love, 
Dove, and Bliss in large letters on their lids. The Dainty 
Adorer now came forth with the Noble Nonentity on his 
right and the Winsome Wooer on his left. The three 
little men had their arms locked, and were followed by 
Wiggins and M. T. Pate, who seemed to be exceedingly 
sad. As the melancholy procession descended the stair- 
way, from numerous doors opening into the corridor 
issued lovely young ladies, who hurried to the upper 
landing, where was soon assembled a galaxy of beauty 
gazing after Love, Dove, and Bliss, who were taking 
their departure. As the daintly-dressed little beaus went 
forth into the street, the bevy of beauties descended the 
stairway and assembled on the veranda, where they con- 
tinued to gaze down the avenue until Hannibal, who led 
the advance, turned a corner, and then, in a moment, 
Love, Dove, and Bliss were hidden from their view. 
One might have imagined that the departure of Bliss 
would have produced a feeling of melancholy among the 
beauties who had been deserted ; but such was not the 
case. Peals of laughter were heard, and, regardless of 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, 


83 


the flight of Dove and the departure of Bliss, the young 
ladies talked merrily of Love during the entire day. 

Toney, Tom, and the Professor were at the railway and 
witnessed the departure of Love, Dove, and Bliss with 
manifest regret. They turned away and walked for some 
moments in profound silence, when Seddon exclaimed, — 

“ Yonder comes Captain Bragg I” 

The cosmopolite approached them at a hurried pace, 
and apparently in much excitement. He was introduced 
to the Professor, and then Toney inquired about the con- 
dition of his health. 

“I am physically well, Mr. Belton,” said Bragg, “but 
am mentally afflicted.” 

“ Indeed !” said Toney. “ I trust that there has been 
no serious cause for this disturbance of your usual equa- 
nimity.” 

“ I have met with a great, I fear an irreparable, loss,” 
said Bragg. 

“A ship foundered at sea without any insurance on 
her?” inquired the Professor. 

“ My monkey,” said Bragg. 

“Alas I” exclaimed Tom Seddon in pathetic tones, “is 
the monkey no more.?” 

“ Is he dead ?” said Toney, apparently in great anxiety 
to learn its fate. 

“ I know not,” said Bragg. “ He is missing. I have 
searched for him in vain.” 

“ He may have run away and escaped over Mason 
and Dixon’s line,” said the Professor. “ Could you not 
reclaim him under the fugitive slave law?” 

“ That monkey would never have run away, Mr. Tickle. 
I have fed him and protected him, and he could never have 
been guilty of such gross folly and base ingratitude.” 

“ A negro, who is clothed and fed and protected, will 
occasionally run off from a comfortable home, and why 
not a monkey ?” said Seddon. 

“ A negro may run away from the mush-pot of his mas- 
ter because he is a slave, and is impelled by a natural and 
laudable desire for liberty. But my monkey was not a 
slave, Mr. Seddon. . He was a friend and a companion. 
Monkeys and apes, Mr. Tickle, have emotions and senti- 


84 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


ments. All they lack is the power of speech to give ex- 
pression to their thoughts and feelings.” 

“ They sometimes, though rarely, have that faculty,” 
said the Professor. “ On one occasion I heard a vener- 
able baboon express himself in emphatic and excellent 
English.” 

“ Indeed !” said Bragg. 

“ It was in Kentucky,” said the Professor. “ There 
was a traveling menagerie exhibiting in a small village. 
A number of negroes were examining the baboon with 
much curiosity, and one of them insisted that he could 
talk but would not, because if he did the white people 
would put him to work, and he was too lazy to work. I 
was present and heard the baboon indignantly exclaim, 
‘You lie, you ugly, nasty nigger I I am not as lazy as 
you are ! Begone I or I’ll bite your nose off I’ The Afri- 
cans tore a hole in the tent in their etforts to get out.” 

Here there was heard an uproar in the street and a crowd 
of boys was seen approaching. One of them was carry- 
ing an animal, which he grasped by the tail and held with 
its head hanging down. 

“What is that?” asked Seddon. 

“A dead monkey,” said the boy. “We found him in 
the grove by the fountain lying on his back in the 
bushes.” 

Bragg rushed forward and the boy dropped the monkey, 
which lay on the ground with its hideous face turned up- 
ward. 

“My monkey! my monkey!” exclaimed Bragg. He 
stooped down and examined the dead body. Its skull had 
been cracked by a terrible blow which must have produced 
instant death. “ This monkey has been foully murdered! 
Oh, that I knew the villain who perpetrated the bloody 
deed! Who killed my monkey? I say who killed my 
monkey ?” said Bragg. 

“ Botts !” said a voice apparently issuing from the mouth 
of the monkey. Bragg started back with a look of amaze- 
ment. The crowd of boys opened and they fell back in 
awe and terror. 

“Bill,” said a boy to his companion, “that monkey 
spoke. 


OR WAGS AND .SWEETHEARTS. 


85 


True as preaching I” said Bill. “ I heard it.” 

Bragg stood speechless for some minutes. Then, in 
solemn tones, he exclaimed, — 

“ Gentlemen, did you not hear that?” 

“What?” said Toney, who with Tom stood at a dis- 
tance of some paces. “ I heard nothing.” 

“ Did you not hear a voice issuing from the mouth of 
the corpse and proclaiming the name of the murderer ?” 
exclaimed Bragg. 

“ Impossible 1” said Seddon. 

“ By no means impossible,” said the Professor. “ Shak- 
speare, who is good authority on all such subjects, tells us 
that 

Stones have been known to move and trees to speak ; 

Auguries and understood relations have. 

By naagot-pies and choughs and rooks, brought forth 
The secret’st man of blood.” 

“ True, Mr. Tickle,” said Bragg. “ And as sure as yon- 
der sun is shining in the heavens I heard a voice issuing 
from that monkey’s mouth and proclaiming Botts to be 
the murderer ?” 

“ Botts could prove an alibi,” said Toney. He has 
gone back to Mapleton.” 

“ The conscience-stricken villain !” exclaimed Bragg. 
“ He has imbrued his hands in innocent blood and then 
fled. I will follow him to the ends of the earth I” And 
Bragg started off as if in pursuit of the murderer. 

“ Captain !” shouted Seddon, “ what will you do with 
the corpse ?” 

“Bury it,” said Bragg, coming back, — “and then I 
will seek out that villain Botts.” 

Accompanied by the boys, Bragg proceeded to bury his 
monkey. 

“ That man is insane,” said the Professor. 

“ All excitable people are insane at times,” said Toney. 

“Bragg has monkey-mania,” said Tom. 

“And pseudomania,” said Toney. 

“ His lies are harmless,” said Seddon. 

“ And amusing,” said Toney. “ Bragg can beat Baron 
Munchausen.” 

“ That was an amusing story he told about his resi- 
8 


86 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOPHERS, 


dence in Africa among* those long-tailed gentlemen,” said 
Seddon. 

“ What was that?” asked the Professor. 

Here Tom gave an account of Bragg’s residence in 
Africa as related by himself. 

“ The man is demented,” said the Professor. “ But 
do you think he will go after Botts ?” 

“ As sure as his name is Bragg,” said Toney. “ Yon- 
der he comes now.” 

J5ragg was seen walking towards them rapidly, carry- 
ing a carpet-bag. 

“ Good-by, gentlemen !” said he, hurrying along. 

“ Are you going, captain ?” said Toney. “ When will 
you return ?” 

“As soon as I have settled with that villain Botts. 
Good-by 1” 

Bragg hurried to the railway. A train of cars was just 
ready to start. “ All aboard !” shouted the conductor, 
and the train moved off. Bragg seated himself with an 
ominous frown on his brow, for he was thinking of Botts. 
Immediately in front of him sat a man who had a large 
bundle by his side. The cars soon stopped at another 
station. The man got up and went out, leaving his 
bundle behind. 

“ Here, my man, you have left your bundle !” ex- 
claimed Bragg. 

The man made no answer, but had disappeared. The 
whistle sounded and the train was moving off, Bragg 
jumped up and threw the bundle out the window. It 
was picked up by a ragged loafer, who ran off with it. 
Just then the man re-entered the car. 

“ Where is my bundle ?” exclaimed he. 

“ That man threw it out the window,” said a passen- 
ger, pointing to Bragg. 

“What!” exclaimed the man, and he looked out the 
window and saw the loafer running off with his bundle. 
“ You infernal thief! — threw my bundle out the window 
for one of your gang to carry off!” 

Bragg protested his innocence and endeavored to ex- 
plain. 

“Oh, that’s a pretty story!” said the man. “You 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 87 

are a sharp rogue 1 If you don’t pay me for my bundle 
I will have you arrested at the next station and carried 
back to jail.” 

“ How much was your bundle worth ?” asked Bragg. 

“ Twenty dollars,” said the man. 

“ Here’s the money,” said Bragg. 

The man took the twenty dollars and resumed his seat. 
The train now stopped at another station and two con- 
stables rushed on board. They looked around with keen 
and searching glances. 

“Jim,” said one of them to the other, “that’s the man. 
Arrest him !” 

“ I arrest you in the name of the law,” said Jim, laying 
his hand on Bragg’s shoulder. 

“ Arrest me I” exclaimed the astonished captain. “ For 
what ?” 

“ Burglary !” said the constable. 

“By the powers of mud, stand back I” shouted the in- 
dignant Bragg. 

“ Come along, my lad !” said the constable. And Bragg, 
struggling with the officers and uttering volleys of oaths, 
was dragged from the car and had handcuffs put on his 
wrists. 

“ I knew that fellow was a thief,” said the man who 
had lost his bundle. 

A daring burglary had been committed in the neigh 
borhood of Bella Yista. At about twelve o’clock on the 
preceding night the store-room which adjoined the dwell- 
ing-house of a country merchant had been broken open. 
The merchant was aroused and entered the store-room, 
but was knocked down and gagged by the burglars, and 
his goods carried off before his eyes. He had described 
the leader of the gang as a tall, raw-boned man, wdth a 
Roman nose. The appearance of Captain Bragg corre- 
sponded to the description, and hence he was arrested by 
the vigilant constables. 

Great was the astonishment of Toney and his two 
friends when the train stopped, and they beheld Bragg 
led from the cars by the officers, with handcuffs on his 
wrists. 

“ Good heavens !” said Toney, “ Bragg has encoun- 


88 


THE FUNNY FIIILOSO PEERS, 


tered Botts and murdered him, and lias been arrested for 
the crime.” 

“ That is just what has happened !” exclaimed Seddon, 
with a look of horror. 

“ It is shocking to think of!” said Tonej. 

, “ Murder a man on account of a monkey 1” said Seddon. 

The constables kept off the crowd, and would allow no 
one to speak to the prisoner. 

“ Mr. Belton I” exclaimed Bragg, “ I want you to be 
my attorney.” 

“ Very good,” said Jim, “ you can talk to your lawyer.” 

Toney was permitted to converse with Bragg, who ex- 
plained to him the nature of the charge which had caused 
his arrest. 

“ Thank Heaven I” exclaimed Toney. 

“ Thank Heaven for what ?” asked Bragg, in aston- 
ishment. 

“ That it is no worse,” said Toney. 

“What could be worse? Arrested as a burglar!” 
said Bragg. 

“Where were you at twelve o’clock last night?” in- 
quired Toney. 

“ At my boarding-house,” said Bragg 

“ Can you prove that ?” said Toney. 

“ Yes,” said Bragg. 

“ By whom ?” inquired Toney. 

“ By my landlady and a dozen of her boarders. I 
was playing cards, and won a hundred dollars,” said 
Bragg. 

“Tom Seddon,” shouted Toney, “run to Captain 
■“ Bragg’s boarding-house, and tell the landlady and her 
boarders to come immediately to the magistrate’s office.” 

Captain Bragg was brought into the office. 

“ Take off the handcuffs,” said the justice. “A party 
accused should be unmanacled when he has a hearing.” 

Jim took off the handcuffs, and then stationed himself 
at the door with his hand on his revolver, ready to shoot 
down the desperate burglar if he should attempt to 
escape. 

“ Now, Mr. Belton,” said the justice, “ we will proceed 
with the examination.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


89 


The landlady swore that Captain Bragg was in her 
house at twelve o’clock on the preceding night. Her testi- 
mony was fully corroborated by that of a dozen of her 
boarders. An alibi had already been clearly established 
by the evidence, when the merchant who had been robbed 
walked into the room. He approached Bragg and scru- 
tinized his countenance. 

“ This is not the man,” said he. “ The robber was a 
much handsomer man than the ugly old fellow you have 
got here.” 

In consequence of this testimony Captain Bragg was 
discharged from custody; but he was so mortified and 
humiliated at having been handcuffed and charged with 
burglary that he immediately took his departure from 
Bella Vista ; telling Toney that he intended to leave the 
United States, and seek an asylum among the islands of 
the Pacific Ocean. 


CHAPTER XYII. 

“ It is too bad I it is too bad !” exclaimed Tom Seddon, 
rushing into the room which Toney and the Professor 
were quietly fumigating with a couple of havanas. “ It 
is terrible to think of!” 

“ What’s the matter, Tom ?” said Toney. “ Has old 
Crabstick been afflicted with another fit of canine rabies, 
and bit you on the calf of the leg ?” 

‘‘ Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings have gone to 
Mexico 1” said Tom. 

“ Well, what of that?” said Toney. “ Thousands of 
young men have gone thither, and many have won dis- 
tinction ; and from my knowledge of Harry and Clarence, 
I am certain that both of them will soon gather luxuri- 
ant crops of laurel on the field of battle.” 

“But Claribel Carrington is dying,” said Seddon. 

“ What?” exclaimed Toney. 

“ Dying ?” said the Professor. 

“I fear it is so,” said Tom. “I was at Colonel Ha- 
8 * 


90 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


zlewood’s bouse this morning when the newspaper was 
brought in. Claribel took it in her hand and was glanc- 
ing over it when she suddenly let it drop ; sat speecliless 
for a moment ; put her hand to her brow, and then, with 
a faint cry, sank senseless on the floor. She had seen the 
paragraph announcing the departure of Clarence and 
Harry. We lifted her up and her lips were discolored 
with blood. I fear that the sudden shock produced the 
rupture of a blood-vessel. She was carried to her room, 
and two doctors are in attendance.’’ 

‘‘But what of Imogen ?” asked Toney. 

“ She hastily snatched up the paper and glanced at the 
paragraph, and then it fell from her hand. She never 
uttered a word. I do not know whether that stately 
beauty is possessed of feeling,” said Seddon. 

“As much perhaps as the other,” said the Professor. 
“ Some women are like the Laconian boy, with the fox 
eating away his life. With them agony has no outward 
expression. They suffer and are silent.” 

“ Women are enigmas,” said Toney. 

“ They are like pigs,” said the Professor. 

“ How so ?” asked Toney. 

“ If you want them to go to Cork you must make them 
suppose you desire them to go to Kilkenny.” 

“ I believe you are right,” said Toney. “Now, here 
are Claribel and Imogen who have been bestowing their 
smiles on everybody but Clarence and Harry. For those 
two gentlemen, who are handsome, educated, and accom- 
plished, neither of these young ladies has had a kindly 
look or friendly word for a whole week. One who was 
unacquainted with the secret workings of a woman’s 
heart would have supposed that Claribel was deeply in 
love with Rosbud’s purple proboscis.” 

“ Who is Rosebud?” asked the Professor. 

“ Wiggins,” said Toney. 

“ The fellow with the long rubicund nasal protuber- 
ance ?” asked the Professor. “ He who is supposed to 
be the Most Worthy Donkey of the Mystic Brother- 
hood ?” 

“ The same,” said Toney. “ And Imogen appeared to 
be equally infatuated with the Long Green Boy.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


91 


“Who is he inquired the Professor. 

“ Sam Perch,” said Toney. 

“ Oh, you mean the Great Green Gosling,” said the 
Professor. “The interesting young gentleman who was 
so unsuccessful in his elaborate attempt at suicide.” 

“ ThaPs the youth,” said Toney. “ And now, when 
Clarence and Harry, worried and maddened by the ca- 
price of these two young ladies, have gone off to Mexico, 
you see what has happened.” 

“ It was all the doings of your Seven Sweethearts, as 
you call them,” exclaimed Tom Seddon. “ They must 
be made to leave the town.” 

“ They have all gone but two,” said Toney. “ The 
exodus of Love, Dove, and Bliss leaves Pate and Wiggins 
alone to conduct the operations of lady-killing and making 
havoc among hearts.” 

“ And Wiggins has killed Claribel, if I am not mis- 
taken,” said Seddon. “ They must be made to leave,” 
said he, with emphasis. “Pate has been bobbing his big 
bald head about in the mansion of old Crabstick, and has 
been gallanting Ida all around. He has magnetized her 
eccentric guardian, who is under the impression thatJPate 
is wealthy, and cordially welcomes him to his house ; 
while he will hardly allow me to exchange a word with 
Ida, and sometimes when I am in the parlor he will 
have one of his fits of hypochondria, or whatever you 
may call it, and will come bounding in on all fours, bark- 
ing and pretending to bite. It is all put on ; for the old 
Cerberus is polite enough in the presence of M. T. Pate.” 

“ Well, Tom, how do you propose to effect the expul- 
sion of the Noble Grand Gander and the Most Worthy 
Donkey ?” as.ked Toney. 

“ They met me on the street about an hour ago,” said 
Seddon, “ and proposed that we three should accompany 
them on a serenade, intended for the entertainment of 
Ida.” 

“ How far does Crabstick live from the town ?” in- 
quired Toney. 

“ About two miles,” said Tom. 

“ Let us go,” said Toney. 

“ I will arrange with some young men in Bella Vista, 


92 


THE FUNNY PniLOSOPnERS, 


who will eagerly participate in the performance. We 
will have fun,” said Seddon. 

“ There is nothing like fun,” said the Professor. “ I 
am about to originate a sect to be called the Funny Phi - 
losophers. Let’s organize it at once. We three, — Toney, 
Tom, and Tickle.” 

“ Agreed,” said Toney. 

And now we will commence operations by going on 
the proposed serenade,” said the Professor. 

“ And Pate and Wiggins shall leave this town!” said 
Tom Seddon. 


CHAPTER XYIII 

There was no moon, but the stars were brightly twink- 
ling, when Toney, Tom, and the Professor started, in 
company with Wiggins and M. T. Pate, on- a pedestrian 
excursion to the mansion of Samuel Crabstick, situated at 
a distance of about two miles from the town of Bella Yista. 
They had proceeded some distance when they came to a 
rustic stile which had been erected over a fence on the 
side of the main road, and from which a path led through 
a field into a forest. Toney seated himself- on the stile 
and proposed that they should diverge from the main road 
and follow the path across the field ; saying that it was 
the most direct route to their place of destination. 

“ I would prefer the main road,” said Pate. “ It is 
more circuitous ; but there is no moon, and it will be very 
dark in yonder forest. We will have difficulty in finding 
our way through it.” 

“Not at all,” said Toney, “I know every foot of the path, 
which runs in a straight line to the place we are going.” 

“ Then, let us take the path,” said the Professor. “ When 
beauty is the attraction I alwaj^s want to make a bee-line 
for her abode.” 

“ That is in accordance with natural laws,” said Toney. 
“ Who ever saw pyrites of iron taking a circuitous route 
to the magnet ? Ida is the magnet. Is it not so, Tom ?” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


93 


Tom nodded assent. 

‘‘And we are the pyrites,’’ said the Professor. “ Let us 
go straight to the attraction, and not be acting contrary 
to the laws of nature.” 

Pate was overcome by these arguments, and, ascending 
the stile, was about to pursue the path, when Toney called 
out, — 

“ Don’t be in a hurry, Mr. Pate. We have plenty of 
time.” 

“ In fact, it is too early yet for a serenade,” said the 
Professor. “We should wait until the young lady has 
put on her nightcap. If we wake her out of her first nap, 
when she has been wandering in the fairy-land of dreams, 
her impression will be that angels are singing around her 
window.” 

“That is so,” said Toney. “Let us wait. I have a 
proposition to make.” 

“ What is that ?” asked the Professor. 

“ Here we are going on a serenade,” said Toney. “Now, 
I move that each man furnish evidence of his musical 
accomplishments by singing a song. Let Mr. Pate lead 
off.” 

“ A song from Mr. Pate I” cried the Professor. 

“A song from Mr. Pate 1” shouted Seddon. 

“ Mr. Pate will now sing,” said Toney. 

Thus urged, Pate seated himself, and in loud if not mel- 
lifluous tones sang as follows : 

The summer day’s faded and starlight is streaming 
In beautiful showers from heaven above; 

And welcome sweet midnight! for then in its dreaming 
My spirit is wafted away to my love. 

Let others rejoicing, then welcome Aurora, 

As fann’d by the zephyrs she blushes so bright; 

But midnight! sweet midnight! I’ll ever adore her, 

And mourn when the morning returns with its light. 

“ Mr Pate,” said the Professor, “ if you wake the young 
lady up by warbling that melody under her window, she 
will think that you are an angel of magnificent proportions 
and tremendous vocal powers. Now, Mr. Wiggins, it is 
your turn.” 


94 • the funny philosophers, 

Wiggins cleared his throat and sang the following 
dittj ; 

Oh, maiden fair, 

. With raven hair, 

And lips so sweetly pouting, 

I do avow. 

That until now, 

I’ve in my mind been doubting 
If ’twere not sin 
To rank you in 
The race of us poor mortals j 
Thinking you might. 

By some fair sprite. 

Escaped from heaven’s own portals. 

But as I now 
Gaze on that brow 
So fondly and so madly, 

I am afraid, 

- My lovely maid. 

My fancy’s lowered sadly; 

Eor while ’mid bliss 
So sweet as this 
My soul’s to rapture given, 

Alas ! my mind 
Is more inclined 
To earth than ’tis to heaven. 

“ Indeed, Mr. Wiggins, you must not warble that song 
under the young lady’s window,” said the Professor. 

“I do not intend to do so,” said Wiggins. 

“ I am glad of that,” said the Professor, “ for if you 
did she would imagine that you were some fallen angel 
on a midnight peregrination. And now, Toney, let us 
hear from you.” 

Toney sang : 

Come to the green grove ! where wild vines are clinging 
- Around the tall elms, whose broad boughs are flinging 
Their shade o’er the roof of the cottage so near 
To the banks of the streamlet meandering clear. 

There we’ll recline ’neath the shade of the willow. 

Where roses and lilies have wreathed a sweet pillow. 

And the goldfinch concealed in the green boughs above 
Is warbling all day to his beautiful love. 

There we will watch the blithe humming-bird roving. 

And purple-winged butterflies fairy-like moving 
Among the blue violets that bloom at our feet. 

And throw all around us their fragrance so sweet. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, 


95 


There thou shalt sing, love, and then as I hear thee, 

Drink in thy soft tones, and know that I’m near thee, 

I’ll fancy ’tis Eden around me I see. 

And thou art an angel to share it* with me. 

“ Toney,’’ said the Professor, “ when the young lady 
hears that she will suppose that the spirit of a troubadour 
is warbling under her window. And now, Mr. Sed- 
don.” 

Tom sang : 

The green wood is ringing with mocking-birds’ notes. 

And melody springing from turtle-doves’ throats. 

And wild flowers growing so beautiful there. 

Their fragrance are throwing all over the air. 

But see ! in yon bower, that wild vines inclose, 

A lovelier flower than lily or rose; 

Your beauties have vanished, ye lilies so fair. 

To her cheeks are banished ; go seek for them there ! 

Your sweetness, ye roses, which butterflies sip. 

Hath gone — it reposes upon her soft lip ; 

Thy music, sweet dove, now no more thou’lt prolong ! 

Oh, list to my love now ! she’s stolen thy song. 

“ Mr. Seddon, the young lady will be persuaded that 
you are a twin brother to the troubadour,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“And now, Charley,” said Toney, “we are waiting to 
hear you warble.” 

The Professor sang : 

Come hasten with me, love. 

Come hasten away ! 

Come haste to yon lea, love. 

Where flow’rets so gay 

Their beauties have blended. 

As richly as though 
’Twere fragments all splendid 
Of yonder bright bow. 

By fairy hands riven 
In moments of mirth. 

And flung from yon heaven 
T’ embellish the earth. 

Come haste to yon lea, love. 

Come hasten with me ! 

And there thou shalt see, love. 

Naught fairer than thee. 


96 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ How do you expect her to see in the dark V* said 
Toney. 

“ Oh, she must have patience and wait until morning,” 
said the Professor. 

The serenaders now arose from their seats, and, pro- 
ceeding across the field, soon entered the forest, which 
was traversed in various directions by paths made by the 
cattle that were accustomed to browse on the bushes. 
The path pursued by the party soon led them to a spot 
where the foliage was dense, and, entirely excluding the 
starlight, enveloped them in gloomy darkness. Tom 
Seddon now exclaimed, — 

“ Toney, why did you select this road ? Let us go back. 
This is the very spot where a man was found, not long 
ago, with his throat cut, and three bullet-holes through 
his head.” 

“Horrible !” exclaimed Pate. 

“ Let us go back I” cried Wiggins 

“ Numerous robberies and murders have been committed 
in this forest,” said Tom. “ In fact, it is infested by a gang 
of desperadoes. If we go on, none of us may ever return 
to Bella Yisfa alive.” 

“ Oh ! oh !” groaned Pate. 

“ Let us go back I” exclaimed Wiggins, — “ I will not — 
ugh !” 

There was a sudden flash from the bushes, followed by 
a loud report, and poor Tom dropped dead at the feet of 
M. T. Pate. Before a word could be uttered, another shot 
was fired, and Toney staggered against a tree and then 
fell to the ground with a groan. 

“ Run I — run !” exclaimed Pate. 

“ Run ! — run !— run !” cried Wiggins. 

“ Run ! — run ! — run I — run I” said the Professor, when 
there was another report, and he exclaimed, falling to the 
earth, “Oh ! — oh ! — oh ! — I am shot ! — help 1 — help ! — ■ 
murder! murder!” 

Pate and Wiggins fled through the forest with the mur- 
derers shouting and firing in their rear. As it happened, 
they soon became separated, and each got into a path which 
led him away from the other. After running with unex- 
ampled speed for some time, Pate suddenly found himself 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


9T 


on the hack of some huge horned monster, which rose from 
the earth with a loud roar and galloped off with him. How 
far he rode on the back of his terrible courser he never 
could tell ; but at last the creature leaped over the trunk 
of a fallen tree, and Pate rolled off and sank to the earth 
in a comatose condition, induced by extreme terror. 

When he became conscious, he got up and wandered for 
hours, through the forest, lost and bewildered, and in the 
utmost dread of falling into the bands of the desperadoes, 
who had slain poor Toney, Tom, and the Professor. At 
length the day broke ; and as he wandered on he espied 
some one coming towards him who had a most hideous 
appearance. Pate was about to turn and fly, when the 
man called to him, and he recognized the voice of William 
Wiggins. 

Wiggins had fled in headlong haste until he had 
emerged from the forest, and entered an inclosure sur- 
rounding a farm-house. Here he was so unfortunate as 
to overturn a bee-hive and was so badly stung by the 
infuriated insects that he rushed blindly around, and got 
among the poultry. Hearing the commotion among his 
fowls, the farmer came out with a club, and vigorously 
belabored the supposed thief, until the latter escaped, and 
fled back to the forest, with his face shockingly swollen 
by the stings of the bees, and bis body terribly bruised by 
the blows from the farmer’s cudgel. 

When Wiggins had told his doleful story, Pate pro- 
ceeded to relate h6w he had been carried off on the back 
of some horned monster, which had suddenly risen out of 
the earth, and must have been the devil. It now being 
broad da3dight, they succeeded in finding the way to the 
town, where they told a tale of horror to the landlord at 
the hotel. But while they were describing the bloody 
murder in the forest, the landlord, with a smile, pointed 
out Tone3r, Tom, and the Professor standing on the oppo- 
site side of the street, in the midst of a group of young 
men, who were laughing immoderately at something 
which was being told. Pate and Wiggins were now in- 
formed that they had been made the victims of a sin- 
gular custom, which was peculiar to that locality, and 
was termed, “running a. greenhorn.” Apprehensive of 

9 


98 the funny philosophers, 

\ 

the ridicule which would be heaped upon them, they 
immediately took their departure from the beautiful town 
of Bella Vista. 


CHAPTER XIX. 

“ The Funny Philosophers have caused the exodus of 
;he Seven Sweethearts,” said the Professor, as the three 
friends sat in Toney’s room in the hotel the morning 
subsequent to the departure of Pate and Wiggins. 

“ Our sect must flourish,” said Toney. 

“And Pate’s big bald head will not be seen bobbing 
about in Bella Vista,” said Tom. 

“ Mr. Seddon, you should not speak irreverently of bald 
heads,” said the Professor. “ Remember the forty irrev- 
erent young lads and the she-bears, and learn that bald- 
headed people are under the especial protection of Provi- 
dence. I am partially bald myself, and am under the 
impression that this calamity came upon me in conse- 
quence of my having once deprived an unfortunate indi- 
vidual of his hair.” 

“ Did what ?” exclaimed Toney. 

“ On one occasion I helped to scalp a man,” said the 
Professor, gravely and mournfully. 

“ Helped to scalp a man !” exclaimed Seddon. 

“ I am sorry to say that I did, Mr. Seddon,” said the 
Professor. 

“ How was it?” asked Toney. 

“ It is a strange story,” said the Professor. 

“ Let us have it,” said Seddon. 

“ Some years ago,” said the Professor, “ I was on a 
steamboat going down one of the large rivers in the South- 
west. The boat stopped at a landing and a big fellow 
came on board. He was a rough, unpolished individual, 
with long hair reaching down to his shoulders. He ap- 
peared to be in a bad humor with himself and with 
all mankind ; being one of those peculiar specimens of 
humanity who believe that the whole duty of man is to 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


99 


fight. As soon as he came on board it was apparent 
to the passengers that he was a bully in quest of a 
quarrel. But everybody avoided him, and for a long 
while he was unsuccessful in finding what he was seek- 
ing for. Finally, however, his perseverance was amply 
rewarded. The bell rang for dinner, and there was a rush 
for the saloon. The bully seated himself at the head of 
the table. At intervals, among the dishes, were a num- 
ber of apple-pies. ‘Waiter,’ exclaimed the bully, ‘bring 
me that pie.’ It was placed before him. ‘ And that 
one,’ said he. The waiter obeyed, and tlie bully reiter- 
ated his order until he had every apple-pie on the table 
directly under his nose.” 

“ The glutton !” said Toney. 

“ Did he eat all the pies ?” asked Tom. 

“ No, Mr. Seddon, he did not,” said the Professor. 
“Having collected all the pies before him, he sternly 
glanced at the two rows of indignant faces along the table. 
He saw anger in every eye ; a frown upon every brow ; but 
not a word had been spoken. There was a dead silence, 
when the bully brought down his fist on the table with 
tremendous force, and fiercely shouted, ‘ I say that any 
man who don’t like good apple-pie is a d — d rascal !’ 
This was more than human nature could endure. In an 
instant every man was on his feet. The table was over- 
turned, and hams, and turkeys, and roast-pigs rolled on 
the floor. There was a general fight. Pistols exploded, 
bowie-knives were brandished, and fists flourished !” 

“ All endeavoring to get at the daring monopolizer of 
the apple-pies, I suppose?” said Tom. 

“By no means, Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor. 
“ There was j)romiscuous fighting. Many who had no 
opportunity of dealing a blow at the bully, fought and 
pommeled one another. I retreated to a corner.” 

“ But what became of the bully ?” asked Toney. 

“ I was about to tell you. As I stood on the defensive, 
warding off the blows which were occasionally aimed at 
me, I saw a huge head coming towards me like a batter- 
ing-ram, the body to which it belonged being propelled 
by kicks in the rear. The head was about to come in 
contact with this portion of my anatomy — what do you 


100 


THE FUNNY FniLOSOFHERS, 


call it ?” said the Professor, placing his hand on the part 
designated. 

“ The bread-basket,” said Toney. 

“ No, that is not it,” said the Professor. 

“ The abdomen,” said Tom. 

“ That’s the scientific term,” said the Professor. “ In 
order to protect my abdomen from injury, I involuntarily 
reached out and convulsively grasped the head by its 
long hair. As I did so, a bowie-knife descended and 
shaved off the scalp, leaving it, with its long locks, in my 
grasp.” 

“ What did you do with your trophy ?” asked Toney. 

“ I rushed from the saloon, yelling like an Indian, with 
the scalp in my hand. It belonged to the bully. He 
soon came upon deck howling for his hair.” 

Did you restore it to the owner ?” asked Tom. 

“ No,” said the Professor. “ To the victor belong the 
spoils. I escaped into the cook’s galley, and carefully 
wrapped the scalp in some loose sheets of the Terrific 
Register, and put it in my pocket, aud afterwards trans- 
ferred it to my trunk. It is now in the possession of the 
learned Professor Boneskull, who has been informed by 
his oracle that it was one of the trophies found by the 
Kentuckians in the possession of the celebrated Tecumseh 
when he was slain in battle.” 

“ But the bully ?” said Tony. “ I am interested in his 
fate.” 

“ lie was like Samson. The loss of his hair seemed to 
deprive him of strength and courage. His belligerency 
departed from him. He became quiet and orderly, and 
during the rest of the passage never meddled with the 
apple-pies, but behaved with perfect decorum. He was 
soon afterwards seen on the anxious bench at a camp- 
meeting, and he is now a bald-headed Methodist preacher, 
remarkable for his piety and mild and dovelike disposi- 
tion.” 

“ The loss of his locks seems to have been of essential 
service to him,” said Seddon. 

“ I wish, however, that I had given him back his hair,’ 
said the Professor. “ I suffered severely in consequence 
of depriving him of it.” 


OR WA GS AND S WFETffEARTS. 101 


“ 111 what way inquired Tom. 

“ It was retribution, I suppose,” said the Professor. 
“ As soon as I had pocketed the fellow’s hair I began to 
lose my own. It fell out by handfuls, and in a few 
months I had a bald patch on the top of my head of 
ample area. It made me melancholy and poetical.” 

I must confess that I cannot perceive any necessary 
connection between a bald head and poetry,” said Toney. 

“ Why, Toney, my dear fellow,” said the Professor, 
“you must know that when a man gets a bald pate he 
naturally begins to think of domestic bliss and connubial 
felicity, which are poetical subjects. - If he meditates long 
on these subjects, versification will be the inevitable re 
suit. It was so in my case. As I titillated the top of 
my bald head with my forefinger, I plainly perceived that 
the time had come for me to marry. So, like a bird on 
Saint Valentine’s day, I began to look around for a 
mate.” 

“ You were like Dobbs, seeking for an angel and seven 
sweet little cherubs,” said Tom. 

“ No, Mr. Seddon, I was seeking for a dovelike little 
woman, and I thought I had found one. In my imagina- 
tion Dora was like a gentle white dove. I cooed around 
her, and courted for weeks, and wrote some verses in her 
album. I remember them well.” 

“ I would like to hear them,” said Toney. 

“ They can be produced from the archives of my 
memory,” said the Professor ; and he recited the follow- 
ing verses ; 

When morn had sown her orient gems among the golden flowers 
That blushed upon their purple stalks in fairy-haunted bowers, 
Among the glowing throng around, a tender bud I spied. 

That meekly held its humble place the verdant walk beside. 

No gaudy beauties decked its crest with variegated dyes, 

Like blinding splendors blazing o’er the summer’s evening skies,* 

M ith simple moss encircled round, it hung its head to earth. 

And yet in Flora’s language it denotes superior worth. 

And — what from poet’s eye is hid, by others though unseen ? — 

It was the favorite palace of the lovely Fairy Queen ; 

Adown its tender petals oft her tiny chariot rolled, 

And she within its fragrant folds her Elfin court did hold. 

9 * 


102 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOrilERS, 


’Twas then I thought of one who blooms ’mid beauty’s living flowers, 
Like this sweet bud among its mates within the garden’s bowers, 
With unassuming, modest grace — her chai’ms she never knew — 
Superior worth her brightest charm. And, lady, is it you ? 

“ I read these verses to Dora, and then I asked her 
the question propounded in the last line.’’ 

“ What did she say ?” inquired Tom. 

“ She said no !” 

“ Perhaps she was offended by the comparison to so 
humble a flower,” said Seddon. 

“ It may have been so,” said the Professor. “ I then 
asked her a question in relation to the annexation of our 
destinies,” 

“ What did she say?” asked Toney. 

“ She said no ! I then asked her again in more un- 
equivocal terms. I told her that I was seeking for 
domestic bliss and connubial felicity, and earnestly in- 
quired if she would not assist me in the search.” 

“What was her reply?” asked Tom. 

“ She said no ! And this time the dovelike Dora laughed 
in my face.” 

“After having answered no three times?” said Tom. 

“Three negatives do not make an affirmative, Mr. 
Seddon, especially when the final negation to your very 
serious and sentimental proposal is accojg;)panied by 
laughter. I was mortified and angry, and so I hurried 
home ” 

“ To do like Perch — procure a pint of laudanum ?” 
inquired Toney. 

“Not at all,” said the Professor. “ Dpon arriving at 
my homestead I ate a very hearty dinner ; for I was 
hungry and had a wolfish appetite ; after which I imme- 
diately went into the arms of Morpheus. I did not wake 
until next morning, when, as I stood before a mirror 
making my toilet, I perceived that the bald patch on my 
head was considerably enlarged. A fit of melancholy 
and poetry came upon me, and resulted in the production 
of some verses, which, with your permission, I will 
repeat.” 

“ Do so,” said Toney. 

“ By all means !” said Seddon. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


103 


‘‘ It is a simple little ballad,’’ said the Professor, “ i 
which I endeavored to mingle as much pathos as di 
Goldsmith in his Hermit. Its recitation has often drawn 
tears from very obdurate individuals, and, gentlemen, I 
now notify you to produce your pocket-handkerchiefs.” 

The Professor then recited the following stanzas : 


The gentle spring is breathing 
Its fragrance all around, 

Rich with the scent of flow’rets 
That blossom o’er the ground; 
As if the glorious rainbow. 

When thunders rolled on high. 
Had parted into fragments 
And fallen from the sky, 

And scattered o'er the meadows. 
And through the orchards green, 
Its variegated colors 
To beautify the scene; 

The while, on golden winglets, 

The humming-bird so gay, 
Moves with a fairy motion, 

And rifles sweets away : 

So rich his purple plumage. 

So beautiful his crest, 

'Tis to the eye of fancy 
As if some amethyst. 

Carved into a bright jewel 
All gloriously to deck. 

With its surpassing splendors, 
Some lovely lady’s neck. 

Hath felt the life-blood flowing 
From a mysterious spring. 

And fled a gaudy truant 
Upon a golden wing. 

Filled with a fairy spirit 
To sport upon the air. 

With never-tiring pinions 
Among the flow’rets fair. 

Adown the sloping mountain. 
Where wave the cedars green, 
And ever- verdant laurel* 

In blooming clusters seen. 

Leaps the wild, flashing streamlet 
With a loud shout of mirth. 

As though some mine of silver, 
Deep buried in the earth, 


d 'd 


104 


TEE FUNNY FEILOSOPHERSy 


By hidden fires were melted 
Within its gloomy caves. 

And from its dark cell bursting. 

With its translucent waves, 

Now sparkles in the sunbeam. 

Now hid by ivy’s shade. 

Till o’er a steep ledge pouring. 

It forms a wild cascade. 

Where, dashed into bright fragments. 
It glitters in the beam. 

And with its brilliant colors 
Unto the eye doth seem. 

That showers of liquid rubies. 

And molten gems of gold. 

With sapphire and with amber. 

In mingling waves are rolled • 

O’er these high rocks in torrents 
Unto the vale below. 

Then gain a course of smoothness. 
And gently on do flow 
^Mid banks of blooming roses 
And snow-white lilies fair. 

Where butterflies are floating 
Upon the balmy air. 

With many-colored winglets. 

O’er fragrant violets blue. 

And gayly sip their nectar 
Mixed with the honey’d dew ; 

To gaze upon their beauties 
’T would seem as if some fay, 

When roving through some garden 
Upon a sunny day. 

Had waved his wand of magic 
O'er rose and tulip bright. 

That filled with life had started 
Upon a joyous flight. 

And down the grassy meadows. 

And ’mid the blooming trees. 

To visit now their kindred. 

Are floating on the breeze : 

While from the woodland’s thickets 
At intervals are heard 
The soft, melodious music 
Of the sweet mocking-bird ; 

Which from those green recesses 
Echoes the merry notes. 

The little feathered songsters 

Pour from their warbling throats. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


105 


Thus nature ever smiling, 

Each living creature gay 
Seems filled with sunny gladness 
Throughout the cloudless day ; 
While I, a lonely bachelor, 

Do bear a bleeding heart. 

Just like a wounded wild goat 
When stricken by a dart. 

I’ve seen each tie dissolving 
Of love and friendship sweet, 

Like lumps of sugar-candy 
When held unto the heat ; 

My friends they all proved traitors, — 
I’m told it’s always so, — 

Fidelity’s a stranger 

In this rude world below. 

They smoked my best havanas 
And drank my best champagne, 
And borrowed many a dollar 
They ne’er returned again : 

But soon as fortune left me. 

They all deserted too — 

They made me half a Timon — • 

The sycophantic crew ! 

I turned from man to woman — 

Sweet woman to admire ! 

But from the pan ’twas leaping 
Into the blazing fire ! 

I met a lovely maiden. 

Who looked so very kind, 

I thought she was an angel. 

But I was very blind ! 

Like a deceitful siren. 

She led me far astray; 

I wandered in love’s mazes 
Until I lost my way ; 

But when I knelt to worship. 

Why, then she laughed outright — 

I told her I was dying. 

And Dora said I might. 

At that I grew quite angry. 

And feeling partly cured. 

Went home and ate my dinner. 

And then was quite restored: 

I ate six apple-dumplings. 

Then laid me down to sleep. 

Nor woke until next morning. 

Then from my couch did creep, 


106 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, ' 


And gazing in the mirror, 

The sight my soul appall’d, 

For I beheld with horror 
That I was growing bald : 

Since then I’ve known no pleasure! 

Man’s treachery I could bear. 

And the deceits of woman. 

But not the loss of hair ! 

“ Goldsmith never wrote anything like that,” said 
Seddon. 

“ Nor Tennyson, neither,” said Toney. 

“ Tennyson be hanged !” exclaimed Tom. “ I’ll match 
Tickle against him any day.” 

“ The composition of this poem fully developed my 
poetical genius,” said the Professor. “ ^discovered that 
I could be a bard; and so I composed a whole book of 
poems.” 

“ What did you do with it ?” asked Toney. 

“ I published it,” said the Professor. “ Did you never 
hear of it ?” 

“I must candidly admit that I never did,” said 
Toney. 

“ The critics cut and slashed away at my little book 
for about a month ; and then' they let it alone. It was 
not until several years after its publication that I heard 
a word in its praise; and that was under peculiar circum- 
stances. I was looking over a lot of second-hand books 
on a stall at the corner of a street, when I discovered 
my own poems. I asked the price. The man said it 
was a work of rare genius and very scarce, but that as a 
favor I could have it for a dollar. This sounded like 
posthumous praise, and was very flattering. So I bought 
the book, and you can read it at your leisure.” 

“ Now we are on literary subjects,” said Seddon, “ I 
must remind Toney of his promise to read his biography 
of Pate.” 

“ Of whom ?” asked the Professor. 

“ Of M. T. Pate, the illustrious founder of the Mystic 
Order of Seven Sweethearts,” said Seddon. ‘^Toney 
has written his biography.” 

“ Only one- chapter,” said Toney. “ I can clearly fore- 
see that Pate is destined to become a very distinguished 


^OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


m 

man. As he makes materials for his biography the work 
will progress. The first chapter has been written.” 

“ Read it,” said Tom. 

“ Read itl read it !” exclaimed the Professor. 


CHAPTER XX. 

In compliance with the Avishes of his two friends, 
Toney drew from a trunk his manuscript, and laying it 
on a table before him, said, “ You will perceive, gentle- 
men, that in my first chapter of this biography I speak 
of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word 
of explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a 
very eminent man, but before the completion and publi- 
cation of the work I am confident that he will rank among 
the most distinguished personages of the age ; and that 
the adjective which I have used will then be recognized 
as strictly appropriate.” 

With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read 
as follows : 

“ We have been baffled, in our efforts to obtain satis- 
factory information in relation to the birthplace of the 
eminent personage whose biography we have undertaken 
to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in 
the South ; but whether among the cotton-plantations of 
the Carolinas or the tobacco-fields on the borders of the 
Chesapeake, we have never been able to ascertain. It is 
said that the honor of having been the natal place of the 
immortal Maeonides was claimed by seven famous cities of 
ancient Greece ; and it may be that, in future ages, at 
least seven States of the South will contend for the 
great glory of - having produced the illustrious M. T. 
Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period of his 
birth the number of those States did not exceed seven ; 
otherwise a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended 
difficulty would be even more hopeless than it is at present. 

It is equally out of our power to designate the par- 


108 


THE FUNNY nilLOSOPHERS, 


ticular period when this eminent man entered the world 
in which he was destined to make so remarkable a figure. 
There is a tradition that he was born in the year of the 
embargo ; and the inability of the administration of that 
day to prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have 
been a fortunate circumstance at the very commencement 
of his career. It is said that he was a very big baby at 
his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was remarkable for 
his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who 
assembled in frequent consultations around the cradle 
used to asseverate, with much emphasis of expression, 
that he looked as grave as a judge. One of his parents 
was pious, and both were respectable ; and at the proper 
period he was brought to the baptismal font and Chris- 
tianized with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was 
encountered in the selection of a name. An elderly maiden 
lady, a friend of the family, had predicted that he would 
be a bishop, and now insisted that he should have a 
scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was 
destined to occupy the very highest position in the church. 
The male head of the family had been perusing an odd 
volume of the History of Greece, in which he was much 
interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after one 
of the heroes of that classic land. These opposite views 
led to many warm discussions, which eventually resulted 
in a judicious compromise, it being agreed that the won- 
derful baby should have two names, and that each party 
should select one of them. So the good old lady seated 
herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible 
at the Book of Daniel where the King of Babylon was 
put into the pasture-fields. She was much struck with 
the passage, and proposed the name of Nebuchadnezzar, 
as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this 
a serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who 
sagaciously remarked that the name was so long that 
nobody would ever give the boy the whole of it, and he 
would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion 
had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search 
the Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of 
Matthew, saying that, in her opinion, he was about the 
best of all the apostles, although he had once been a 


OR AXD SWEETHEARTS. 


109 


publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever 
thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named 
Matthew Themistocles, after an evangelist and a heathen ; 
as if he were destined to combine in his character the 
opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner. 

“ It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and 
remarkable baby gave evidence of superior intelligence ; 
and' it is much to be regretted that he had no admiring 
Boswell at that early period of his existence to describe 
his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes 
a record of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths 
of babes and sucklings ; and when we behold the learned 
and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by his 
eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagi- 
nation finds it difficult to travel back and discover him in 
the cradle, so puny and insignificant that the portly old 
crier of the court could have enveloped him in his hand- 
kerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and stowed him in 
the capacious pocket of his overcoat. 

“When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, 
the people on the other side of the hills knew not 
that a great luminary was in their immediate neighbor- 
hood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose, 
until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of 
the surrounding eminences, the crowds began to collect 
and watch with absorbing interest the increasing propor- 
tions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in full 
effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired 
her splendor, and many began to dispute about her ap- 
parent size : some saying that she seemed to them as big 
as an ordinary platter ; others, that she was equal in di- 
mensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed 
that her circumference was as great as that of the wheel 
of the war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has 
it been with each intellectual light which has shone on 
the world ; at one time hid in the vale of obscurity, — in 
the valley of Ajalon, — then surmounting the intervening 
obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen, 
and people begin to talk and admjre, until finally it 
becomes visible in full-orbed splendor, when a variety of 
opinions are heard in reference to its actual magnitude. 

10 


no 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


We once heard an old lawyer, who was laudator tempo- 
ris acti, assert with savage emphasis that a certain occu- 
pant of the bench was ‘ a picayune judge,’ thus intimating 
that this splendid luminary of the law did not seem to 
him bigger than an insigniticant five-penny bit. But the 
eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to be 
trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal frater- 
nity said that he was as large as a dinner plate ; others 
were of opinion that he had attained the size of an ordi- 
nary cheese ; while many of the non-professional multi- 
tude loudly asserted that he was fully equal in magnitude 
to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus. 

“ During several years after he had emerged from baby- 
hood, M. T. Pate was hidden from public observation, 
and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon. Here he laid a 
permanent foundation for that powerful constitution which 
has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his 
later years. His constant exercise in the open air gave 
him the extraordinary appetite which clung to him so 
faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It also 
strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume 
enormous quantities of food without the slightest incon- 
venience. It is said that he was extremely fond of butter- 
milk, and would loiter around the dairy on churning days 
to obtain a supply. When he could not get buttermilk, 
he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. 
Many a sickly youth in our large cities would be bene- 
fited by such a system of diet, and might become a stout, 
athletic man, instead of looking like a puny exotic, soon 
to wither and fade away. Vigorous constitutions are 
necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle 
of life ; and nearly every distinguished personage in this 
country, from George Washington to Daniel Webster, 
was born and reared amidst rural scenery. 

“Nourished on buttermilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. 
Pate grew rapidly, and becoming quite a big boy, began 
to exercise the privilege of thinking for himself. His 
sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled him 
to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was 
an honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tend- 
ency to increase his pecuniary resources was exceedingly 


OR AND SWEETHEARTS. 


Ill 


doubtful, as there was no probability that he would ever 
become the owner of a farm, either by descent or pur- 
chase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pur- 
suits, as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisi- 
tion of wealth. With this end in view, he went into a 
store in which crockery was sold ; and here he remained 
during three entire years, first in the capacity of shop-boy 
and aTterwards as salesman. 

“ While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry 
was untiring and his economy almost without a prece- 
dent. In those early days of his eventful career this 
eminent man was frequently seen on the street following 
a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which 
had been purchased. On one occasion he met with a 
serious misfortune; for while walking in the wake of 
an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his hand a vessel 
intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod 
on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on 
the pavement with such force as to break the brittle piece 
of pottery into atoms and cause the blood to stream from 
his nostrils. This was the only occasion on which he 
ever received a reprimand from his emplo3"er ; and he 
bore the severe trial with fortitude and resignation. 

“ For services rendered on various occasions, he fre- 
quently received gratuities from the purchasers at the 
store; and having resolved to become rich as rapidly as 
possible, he procured a little brown jug with an opening 
in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a 
dollar edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited 
his earnings ; and had it not been for this commendable 
economy, the world might never have seen him iu the 
exalted positions which he afterwards occupied ; for a 
commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like 
a ship struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his 
beam-end. But the solid contents of the little brown jug 
afforded him sufficient ballast, and he thus succeeded iu 
gallantly weathering the storm. 

“A great man, struggling with adversity, is a spectacle 
upon which the good-natured old gods of Greece and 
Rome are said to have gazed with more than ordina^ 
interest. It is impossible to imagine a more sublime 


112 


THE FUNNY FllILOSOPIIERS, 


example of patience and perseverance than that exhibited 
by M. T. Pate in his early days, when he first broke 
open his little brown jug and counted his coppers and 
quarters. His rigid economy had resulted in a consider- 
able accumulation of coin, and an accurate enumeration 
of the contents of his treasury exhibited the sum of two 
hundred and sixty-four dollars and thirty-seven and a 
half cents, all in specie. With these resources he de- 
termined to begin the battle of life in earnest, and to be- 
come a great man as speedily and as cheaply as possible. 
The pious old lady, who had furnished him with one of 
his names, now urged him to enter upon a course of theo- 
logical studies, so that she might soon have the satisfac- 
tion of seeing him in holy orders and on the high road to 
a bishopric. But upon inquiry, he ascertained that to 
become a bishop it would be necessary for him to under- 
stand Hebrew as well as Greek ; and he was apprehen- 
sive that before he could master even the rudiments of 
those difficult languages the accumulations of his industry 
and economy would be entirely exhausted. The good 
old lady promised him pecuniary assistance, and thus 
encouraged he began with the Greek ; but his hopes 
were soon blasted by a singular misfortune, which de- 
prived the church of one of its brightest ornaments, and 
multitudes of sinners of the counsel and consoling advice 
of a learned, pious, and venerated pastor. Upon a bright 
morning in May, as he sat at an open window, repeating 
the letters of Cadmus aloud, his benefactress, who was 
in the garden below with a negro servant named Alfred, 
engaged in horticultural pursuits, was shocked by hear- 
ing certain sounds, which in her ignorance and simplicity 
she supposed to be of terrible significance. She rushed 
into the house and began to upbraid the astonished 
student with his base ingratitude and treachery. In vain 
did the unfortunate victim of her lamentable ignorance 
protest his entire innocence. She had the highest kind 
of evidence — that of her own senses — against the plea 
of not guilty. Had she not heard him say, and reiterate 
it again and again, ‘Alfred, beat her I d — d her I pelt 
her?’ She would listen to no explanation, but indig- 
nantly ordered him to get out of her house. Her auger 


OR AND SWEETHEARTS. 


113 


burned perpetually, like the lamp of a vestal virgin, and 
from that time forth she would have nothing to say to 
him. Thus was the unlucky youth thrown once more 
upon his beam-end, and was compelled to abandon all 
hope of ever becoming a bishop.” 

Here the reading was interrupted by Tom Seddon, who 
exclaimed, — 

“ Toney, you had better leave that out. Nobody will 
believe that Pate, who was about to commence his theo- 
logical studies, would sit on the sill of the window and 
swear so profanely at the pious old lady in the gar- 
den ” 

Tom was here interrupted by a loud laugh from the 
Professor. 

“ You do not see the point,” said Toney. 

“ What is it ?” asked Tom. 

“ Why,” said the Professor, “ Pate was repeating the 
first four Greek letters. Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and 
the old woman supposed that he was swearing.” 

“ Oh, that’s it I” said Tom. “ I was dull, indeed I” 

“But,” said the Professor, “ I think that I have heard 
this anecdote before.” 

“Undoubtedly you have,” said Toney. “Pate is a 
much older man than you. He was the unlucky student 
who met with this sad misfortune. It happened when 
you were in your nurse’s arms. You heard the anecdote 
after you grew up, but never learned until now that the 
student was M. T. Pate. But shall I resume my 
reading ?” 

“ Do so,” said the Professor. “ I am much interested.” 

Toney took up the manuscript, and read : 

“ Having been constrained to give up the gospel, he 
determined to betake himself to the study of law, in which 
a knowledge neither of Hebrew nor of Greek was neces- 
sary. Having labored at Latin for a few weeks, he en- 
tered a law-school, where he continued for some time ; 
the contents of the little brown jug miraculously holding’ 
out like the oil in the widow’s cruse, owing to his great 
economy. It is not to be supposed that even this able 
jurist jcould without an earnest effort overcome every 


114 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


obstacle which lies in the path of the student of law. On 
the contrary, when he first encountered Coke, he was 
much discouraged and sometimes afflicted with fits of de- 
spondency. But plucking up courage, he went vigor- 
ously to work, and in six weeks had mastered all the 
learning of that great and voluminous author which he 
believed it possible for any human intellect ever to com- 
prehend. In performing this Herculean labor he scratched 
a considerable quantity of hair from his head ; and con- 
tinuing this singular practice during the whole course of 
his studies, before he had finished the fourth book of 
Blackstone, 

his scalp’s 

Bald, barren surface shone like the bare Alps.” 

“In other words, he became a bald Pate,” said Tom. 

“Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor, “you are strangely 
forgetful of the admonition to speak reverently when you 
refer to a depilous cranium. Now, here you are punning 
with the most unbecoming levity on a nude noddle. You 
had better beware ! Although there are no she-bears in 
this vicinity to perform their painful duty, you may not 
escape with impunity.” 

“ Peccavi,” said Tom. 

“Absolution is granted,” said the Professor. “ Toney, 
proceed with the reading.” 

Toney resumed : 

“A celebrated Irish barrister attributed his success in 
the profession to the fact that he started without property 
of any sort save only a pair of hair-trigger pistols. M. T. 
Pate carried no carnal weapons. He had neither hair- 
trigger pistols nor much hair on his head ; btit he had 
a little learning, which is said to be a dangerous thing. 
When he was admitted to practice, the contents of the 
little brown jug had been expended; and he started in 
his profession with a vigorous constitution and a small 
volume of legal lore, entitled ‘Every Man his own 
Lawyer.’ 

“ The members of the legal fraternity are indebted to 
M. T. Pate for an important discovery immediatejy sub- 
sequent to his admission to the bar. We are told — 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


115 


There is a language in each flower 
That opens to the eye ; 

A voiceless but a magic power 
Doth in earth’s blossoms lie, 

and we find that the poet selects as an appropriate sym- 
bol of his delightful occupation ‘the dew-sweet eglan- 
tine.’ The soldier chooses 

The deathless laurel as the victor’s due. 

The young maiden selects the rosebud, and the weeping 
widow the cypress. The lover’s flower is’ the myrtle; 
the player’s, the hyacinth ; the pugilist’s, the fennel. But 
there never was a symbol for the legal profession until 
the sagacity of M. T. Pate discovered it in the arbutus 
unedo, or strawberry, which, upon a careful perusal of 
Flora’s lexicon, he found to be emblematic of persever- 
ance. And as the gladiators of ancient Rome were 
accustomed to mingle large quantities of fennel with their 
food, because it tended to give them strength and courage, 
so did this industrious lawyer never fail, when an oppor- 
tunity offered, to devour a great abundance of strawber- 
ries ; being fully persuaded that the fruit imparted a 
wonderful degree of patience and perseverance. In the 
spring strawberries and cream were consumed by him in 
immense quantities ; and at other seasons of the year the 
preserved fruit was never absent from his table.” 

“ Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor, “ pay attention to 
that. You are a young lawyer, and I would advise you 
to have the example of M. T. Pate ever in contempla- 
tion.” 

“ I most certainly will,” said Seddon. 

“ Never turn your back on a bowl of strawberries and 
cream,” said the Professor. 

“ Never !” exclaimed Seddon, — “ never I” 

“ Be assured,” said the Professor, with much solemnity, 
“that a sincere devotion to this delicious little berry will 
finally bring its reward. It will enable you to wait with 
admirable patience for the big case which is to come and 
place you prominently before the public. Toney, excuse 
this interruption. Read on, — I am becoming deeply in- 
terested.” 


116 THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 

Toney proceeded with the reading as follows : 

“We occasionally meet with an instance of the falsifi- 
cation of the old adage that fools are the recipients of 
fortune’s favors; for this illustrious man, at the very 
outset of his professional career, met with no ordinary 
good luck. A few days subsequent to his admission to 
the bar, the pious old maiden, whose deplorable ignorance 
of the Greek alphabet had deprived one profession of an 
ornament and added it to another, left these sublunary 
scenes for her supernal abode in Abraham’s bosom. She 
had never forgotten nor forgiven the supposed ingratitude 
of her former protege. So far from this, she had, on 
every occasion, denounced him, with all the vehemence of 
virtuous indignation, as the black-hearted instigator of a 
meditated assault on her person. What, then, was his 
astonishment when he found that she had left a will in 
which she had bestowed on him all her worldly posses- 
sions. This testamentary document had been executed 
many years anterior to the melancholy event which had 
caused so wide a breach between them. She had put it 
carefully away and must have entirely forgotten it ; for 
had her mind once reverted to the circumstance of its 
existence, nothing short of a supermundane interposition 
could have saved it from the devouring flames. She left 
him a beautiful farm, and personal property to a consid- 
erable amount, with the unusual proviso in the will that he 
should be a bishop. Some of her relatives seemed disposed, 
at first, to contend for the property, on the ground that 
as he was not a bishop he could not claim under the will. 
But this learned jurist cited the legal maxim leoc non cogit 
ad impossibilia, and said that although he was not a 
bishop at that particular period, he would endeavor to 
carry out the intentions of the testatrix by becoming one 
as soon as a favorable opportunity should offer. To 
manifest his sincerity he immediately became a devout 
member of the church, and would sometimes read the 
service when the pastor was absent; and this he con- 
tinued to do even after his secular duties had got to be 
exceedingly onerous ; being apprehensive of trouble about 
his title unless he observed this wise precaution. Thus 
was this threatened lawsuit nipped in the bud ; and 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. . 

M. T. Pate took peaceable possession of his beautiful 
farm, which he soon found was mortgaged nearly to the 
extent of its actual value in the market. 

“ Pecuniary difficulties, like the rowels of a Spanish spur 
applied to the flanks of a donkey, impel a man onward in 
his career. Now, let no one imagine that we perceive any 
particular resemblance between this eminent jurist and an 
ass ; and we hope that none of his numerous and ardent 
admirers will be shocked by the simile which we have 
employed, for it is not only appropriate in its present con- 
nection but it is undoubtedly classical. The mighty Ajax 
was compared by Homer to an ass ; but it was only to 
show what sturdy qualities he possessed, and what an 
immense amount of beating he could stubbornly endure. 
With intentions equally as innocent, we have likened the 
eminent M. T. Pate to an ass, merely to show how 
stoutly he stood up under the burden he bore, and how 
he was impelled to vigorous efforts by the spur of 
necessity. Had his beautiful farm been unincumbered, 
he might have remained in obscurity, up to his knees in 
clover, and daily growing fatter and more lazy in the 
luxuriant pastures of prosperity. But with the burden 
of a heavy mortgage on his back, and the rowels of pecu- 
niary difficulties goring his flanks, he got briskly into 
niotion, and in his onward career, whether by accident or 
otherwise, took the right direction, and finally reached the 
glorious goal at which so many are aiming, but which so 
few will ever attain.” 

‘‘ What glorious goal has Pate reached asked the 
Professor. 

“ You forget the observations with which I prefaced 
the reading of the manuscript,” said Toney. “ This is 
only the first chapter of what is intended to be a very 
voluminous work. It is true that M. T.- Pate has not 
yet reached the goal designated, but long before I have 
wi-rtten the concluding portion of his biography I am 
confident that you will behold him on the very pinnacle 
of the temple of fame.” 

“ Toney is a prophet,” said Tom. “ He truly predicted 
what has since happened to the two young ladies and 
their lovers who have gone to the Mexican war.” 


118 


THE FUNNY rniLOSOPIIERS, 


“ Poor Claribel 1’’ said Toney. “ I sincerely wish that 
my vaticinations had not been verified.” 

“ Pooh 1 pooh !” said the Professor. “ Their lovers 
have taken wing and flown away, but they will come 
back like turtle-doves in tlie spring, and then, after a 
little billing and cooing, you will see two pretty pairs 
building their nests. And besides, although love is a 
disease which is supposed to attack the heart, it is seldom 
fatal in its results.” 

“ Is it not ?” said Tom. 

“ Why, no,” said the Professor. “ Dora jilted me, and 
am I dead? Ecce homo I fat and flourishing, and the 
founder of the sect of Funny Philosopliers.” 

“ I would really like to know the condition of Claribel’s 
health,” said Toney. 

“It had much improved when I called and made in- 
quiry this morning,” said Tom. “But I thought that I 
was about to witness war and bloodshed in the house.” 

“ How so ?” asked Toney. 

“ Hostilities have broken out between the two doctors,” 
said Tom. “ They were quarreling in the hall when I 
entered, and left the house shaking their fists in each 
other’s faces.” 

“ What about?” inquired Toney. 

“ I was unable to ascertain,” said Tom. 

“Well, never mind,” said the Professor. “Who shall 
decide when doctors disagree ? Toney, let us hear the 
concluding portion of your manuscript. But, by Jove! 
what’s that ?” 

A loud noise was heard in the street ; men shouting 
and boys hurrahing. Tom Seddon snatched up his hat, 
and, tollowed by Toney and the Professor, ran from the 
room. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


119 


CHAPTER XXL 

“ Hurrah for Bull I” shouted a boy, as Tom reached 
the pavement in front of the hotel. 

“Bully for Bearl Pitch ini Hit him again 1 He called 
you another liar I” yelled a ragged urchin on the oppo- 
site side of the street. 

“Who are those belligerent gentlemen?’^ asked the 
Professor. 

“ The very two doctors I jjaw shaking their fists in 
each other’s faces at Colonel Hazlewood’s door,” said 
Tom Seddon. “ I thought there would soon be active 
hostilities between them.” 

“ Good for Bull I” cried an urchin. 

“Wade in, Bearl” shouted another. 

“ 1 bet on Bull !” said a third. 

“Bear’s the man for my money I” yelled a fourth. 

“Which is Bull?” asked the Professor. 

“ The red-faced man with spectacles on his nose, who 
is standing up in the buggy without a top, and is menacing 
his antagonist with the butt end of bis whip,” said Tom 
Seddon. 

“And Bear is the short fat man on horseback, bran- 
dishing his cane?” said Toney. 

“ The same,” said Seddon. 

“ Right cut against cavalry 1” shouted a soldier on the 
pavement, as Bull aimed a blow at Bear with his whip. 

“ByjabersI that’s the prod I” cried an Irishman, as 
Bear thrust the end of his cane in his adversary’s face. 

The horse attached to the buggy now moved on a few 
paces and halted. Bear sat still on his horse, fiercely 
gazing at his antagonist. 

“ At him again !” cried a boy. 

“ Don’t be afraid I Show the blood of your mother !” 
yelled a second urchin. 

“Charge, Chester, charge !” shouted a third. 

Bear furiously spurred his horse and rushed up to the 


120 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


buggy. A blow from Bull’s whip knocked off his hat, 
and his bald head shone in the sun. At the same time 
a thrust from Bear’s cane deprived Bull of his spectacles. 

“ Hurrah for Bear I He has knocked out Bull’s eyes !” 
shouted a boy. 

Bull seized Bear’s cane and pulled it from his hands. 
Bear reached out and grasped Bull by the top of his head. 
Bull’s wig came off. 

“Hurrah I hurrah I he has scalped him I” shouted a 
boy. 

Bull was infuriated. He grappled Bear- by a tuft of 
hair that grew on the side of his head. Bear’s horse 
started back and the rider fell over his neck into the 
buggy. Then both belligerents commenced furiously 
fighting with their fists. 

“ I command the peace I I command the peace I” cried 
a portly gentleman on the pavement. 

“ They are at close quarters,” said a soldier. “ It is 
too late to command the peace.” 

The belligerents in the buggy were furiously dealing 
blows and loudly uttering profanity, and the horse was 
frightened and ran off with the vehicle. Tom Seddon 
leaped on Bear’s horse and galloped off in pursuit. On 
the main road leading from the town was a company of 
cavalry returning from a parade. The troopers opened 
to the right and left, and the two doctors passed through, 
furiously pommeling each other in the buggy. 

“By fours, right about wheel !” shouted the captain. 
“ Trot ! Gallop 1 Charge I” and away went the cavalry, 
clattering down the road in pursuit of the belligerent 
doctors ! Tom Seddon brought up the rear. 

On went the doctors in their war-chariot, each dealing 
blows at his antagonist, and shouting and swearing in 
utter unconsciousness of the surroundings 1 On rode the 
gallant captain at the head of his company 1 On gal- 
loped Tom Seddon in the rear I Over a hill and down a 
descent they rushed at a terrific rate ! On the top of the 
next hill stood a toll-gate. The keeper, seeing a horse 
running at full speed with a vehicle, closed the gate and 
stopped his career. “ Halt !”. shouted the captain. 
“Halt! halt I” cried the lieutenants. And the troopers 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


121 


halted and sat on their panting horses, surrounding the 
buggy. 

“ Draw sabers !” shouted the captain. And every saber 
leaped from its scabbard. 

“ Surrender!” said the captain, riding up to the buggy. 
“ In the name of the State I demand your surrender 1” 
But Bull and Bear heard not, and heeded not. Each had 
grappled his antagonist by the throat, and was fiercely 
fighting. 

“ Sergeant, dismount two sections and secure the 
prisoners,” said the captain. 

Eight stalwart troopers, headed by a sergeant, leaped 
from their horses, and, rushing to the buggy, seized Bull 
and Bear by the legs and pulled them apart. 

“ Tie their hands behind their backs,” said the captain, 
“or they will go at it again.” 

The prisoners were securely bound with cords, and 
each mounted behind a trooper, and were thus conducted 
back to the town. 

“I commit you both to jail for an outrageous breach 
of the peace,” said the magistrate, who still stood on the 
pavement. “ Here, constable, is the commitment. Take 
them both to jail. Put them in separate cells, and don’t 
let them get at one another again.” 

“ Good heavens !” said Colonel Hazlewood, as he saw 
the two physicians led away in the custody of the con- 
stable, “ what am I to do ? I have a sick person in my 
house, and the only two doctors in the town have been 
sent to jail for fighting in the street.” 

“ What did they quarrel about?” asked Toney. 

“ Why,” said the colonel, “ the young lady was nervous, 
and could not sleep; and Bull wanted to give her a de- 
coction of hops' while Bear was of opinion that she should 
drink a cup of catnip-tea.” 

“ Colonel,” said the Professor, “allow me to give you 
some advice.” 

“ What is that?” inquired the colonel. 

“ Never admit two doctors into your house, unless you 
desire to be the spectator of a pugilistic combat.” 


11 


122 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOFIIERSy 


CHAPTER XXII. 

“ That was a brilliant charge of cavalry in which you 
so gallantly participated, Mr. Seddon,” said the Pro- 
fessor, when the three friends had returned to Toney’s 
room, “In promptness and impetuosity it will compare 
with Colonel May’s famous charge at the battle of Resaca 
de la Palma.” 

“ It was decisive,” said Seddon. “ Put an end to hos- 
tilities.” 

“And now, Toney, do not let these two doctors be in- 
strumental in bringing the life of M. T. Pate to an abrupt 
termination,” said the Professor, 

“ Two doctors are enough to bring any man’s life to a 
termination,” said Seddon. “ If the walls of the jail were 
not solid and strong, it would be a very heavy premium 
which would induce me to insure the lives of their patients 
in Colonel Hazlewood’s house.” 

“It is not becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers 
to joke on such a sad and serious subject,” said the Pro- 
fessor. “ Toney, proceed with the reading of the biogra- 
phy of M. T. Pate.” 

looney took up the manuscript and read as follows: 

“The mighty oak, whose massive timbers entered into 
the construction of the magnificent steamship, was once 
an insignificant acorn, and the illustrious man whose 
wisdom and eloquence are the admiration of the multitude 
was once an humble attorney practicing in the petty court 
of a justice of the peace. A few miles from his residence 
was a village where Justice Johnson held his court on 
every second and fourth Saturday in each month. He 
had civil jurisdiction in actions of debt where the amount 
involved did not exceed the sum of fifty dollars; to which 
were superadded powers of adjudication in certain criminal 
causes, where the slave population were accused of sundry 
peccadilloes, such as nocturnal aggressions on the hen- 
roosts of the farmers in the neighborhood. From the 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


123 


decisions of the justice in civil suits there was an appeal 
to the county court. 

“In 'the court of the learned and dignified Justice 
Johnson M. T. Pate commenced his professional career; 
and here he continued to practice for a number of years 
before he ventured upon a more extended field of action. 
The fees were small, but with many cases and much 
economy his accumulations might be considerable. ' And, 
besides, like many men of merit, he was diffident of his 
abilities, and dreaded to meet a trained adversary in the 
field of forensic controversy. He hoped that this diffi- 
dence would wear oflT by degrees, and that he would not 
be like Counselor Lamb, who said that the older he grew, 
the more sheepish he became ” 

“Stop, Touey, stop 1” said the Professor. “Do you 
think that a pun is allowable in the biography of a 
great man, which should be almost as grave and dignified 
in its style as the history of a great nation 

“It is not a pun,” said Toney. “It is the serious 
remark of a very learned lawyer. Lamb is a meek old 
lawyer in Mapleton, remarkable for his modesty. For 
many years he contented himself with a lucrative chamber 
practice, and never attempted to address a court or jury. 
But on one occasion a favorite negro servant of the law- 
yer was indicted for cutting off a bull’s tail. Lamb un- 
dertook to defend him before a jury. He arose with 
much trepidation ; his voice faltered ; he could not 
articulate a word. A profuse perspiration bathed his 
brow, and he took out his handkerchief and wiped bis 
face. There was some ugly unguent on the handker- 
chief, and it left a black spot on his brow. 

“ ‘ Look at old Lamb’s face,’ said a young attorney, in 
a loud whisper. 

“ ‘It is — lam’blacki’ said another. 

“ The twelve jurors in the box grinned. Lamb shook 
from head to foot. He grew desperate, and, in a loud 
voice, exclaimed, ‘ Gentlemen of the jury, the prisoner is 

indicted for cutting off a bull’s tail. What — what ’ 

There was an awkward pause. 

“ ‘ He was going to ask what should be done with the 
bull,’ whispered a young limb of the law. 


124 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ ‘ Sell him at wholesale — you can’t retail him,’ said 
another attorney, in a whisper so loud as to be distinctly 
audible. 

“ The jury were convulsed with laughter, which so in- 
creased the agitation of the advocate that he shook like 
an aspen, and finally dropped into his seat and covered his 
face with his handkerchief. The judge rapped with his 
gavel,' and repressing the merriment which pervaded the 
court-room, told the counselor to proceed with his argu- 
ment. But he could not utter another word. Some 
days afterwards as Lamb sat in his oflSce, lamenting his 
infirmity to a friend, he said that the older he grew, the 
more sheepish he became.” 

“Your explanation is perfectly satisfactory,” said the 
Professor, gravely. “ Resume the reading of Pate’s bi- 
ography.” 

Toney read on : 

“ But even in this quiet little court he had an adver- 
sary who was a thorn in his side, often causing him great 
affliction, and sometimes intense agony. This adversary 
was a carpenter with a hooked nose and a most singular 
physiognomy, known by the name of Peter Piddler, and 
supposed to be crazy on all subjects except those apper- 
taining to the law. On legal questions he exhibited great 
astuteness, and, having renounced the jack-plane and 
procured an odd volume of Burn’s Justice, he had been 
juacticing for some years before Justice Johnson, when 
M. T. Pate made his debut. The carpenter considered 
himself the monarch of that bar, and when his youthful 
antagonist entered the arena, the contest between them 
was watched with nearly as much interest in the little 
village as was the meeting of Pinkney and Webster on 
a more celebrated forum. Many predicted that Piddler 
had now met with his match, and might even have to 
succumb ; but their vaticinations were not verified in 
every instance. Extraordinary as it may seem, the car- 
penter usually came off victorious, and the learned at- 
torney frequently left the court and went home deeply 
dejected by the humiliation of defeat. 

“ In that neighborhood many people still talk about 
those celebrated trials, where Justice Johnson presided 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 125 

and Fiddler and Pate contended for victory. Most of these 
accounts are legendary, and no more reliable than are 
those in relation to the early efforts of the eloquent 
orator of the Old Dominion. One, however, we have 
ascertained to be strictly authentic. A stout African, a 
slave named Sam, and an incorrigible sinner, had been 
brought before Justice Johnson on the grave charge of 
having purloined a hen, the property of a widow lady in 
that vicinity. Pate was for the defense and Fiddler for 
the prosecution. The widow’s son, a lad of twelve years, 
who was the principal witness, testified that he had set 
the hen, putting twenty eggs under her, which was more 
than she could conveniently cover. With an admonition 
to the patient fowl to ‘ spread’ herself, he left her, and, 
climbing a cherry-tree, was eating the fruit, when he saw 
Sam carry off both the hen and the eggs. The testimony 
was conclusive of the prisoner’s guilt, and his counsel 
had to assail the character of the witness. But he was 
ably vindicated by Fiddler, and the unfortunate Sam was 
convicted of petty larceny. Justice Johnson, being a 
humane man, in passing sentence, said, with tears in his 
eyes, ‘ Sam, it gives me great pain to order corporal 
punishment to be inflicted on any one, but my solemn 
duty must be performed. The sentence of the court is, 
that you be taken hence to the horse-rack, and have 
twelve lashes laid oli your bare back, and may the Lord 
have mercy on your soul !’ 

“ Sam was taken to the place of execution, and having 
undergone his punishment with heroic fortitude, was 
about to be released by the constable, when his counsel 
appeared in court and moved for a new trial. The court 
ordered the officer to keep a sharp lookout on Sam, and 
sent for Fiddler, who was celebrating his victory in a 
neighboring bar-room. Pate argued his motion with much 
ability, and demonstrated that the hen was worth so 
much, and that when the twenty eggs were hatched 
each chicken would be worth so much, and that the 
aggregate would amount to a sum sufficient to' constitute 
the offense of grand larceny, over which the court had no 
jurisdiction. Fiddler was fuddled, and failing to perceive 
any other weak point in his adversary’s argument, con- 

11 * 


126 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOPEERS, 


tented himself with saying that he did not think that his 
learned brother had any right to count his chickens 
before they were hatched. Justice Johnson very prop- 
erly rebuked him for his levity; and firmly expressing his 
determination to maintain the dignity of the court, finally 
granted a new trial. So the case was again tried and 
with the same result. Sam was convicted and sentenced 
to receive another installment of twelve lashes on his bare 
back. Fiddler always boasted of his success iu this prose- 
cution, and said that if he was defeated on the motion for a 
new trial, nevertheless he had got the curly-headed rascal 
twenty-four lashes on his bare back instead of twelve. On 
the other hand, Mr. Pate, after he had acquired more ex- 
perience in his profession, candidly acknowledged that 
the motion for a new trial was an error on his part, as 
it could do his client no good under the circumstances, 
and actually did him a deal of harm. But he said he was 
then young, and allowed himself to be carried away by 
too eager a desire for the glory of a victory over his 
vaunting antagonist. 

“ So frequently defeated before Justice Johnson, Mr. 
Pate had many appeals to the county court. The.se were 
usually tried by other attorneys whom he employed 
before the cases were called. But he was regular 
in his attendance, and each morning, during the terms, 
might be seen mounted ou his favorite nag. Old Whitey, 
and traveling towards the metropolis of the county. 
Although there were many stables in the town where 
hay and oats could be had for hungry horses, he always 
fastened his steed to a tree, where the animal remained 
from nine o’clock in the morning until late in the after- 
noon, with nothing to satisfy his natural craving for food. 
Thus did the lawyer not only save the expense of proven- 
der, but also of whip and spur, for Whitey was always in 
a hurry to get home and enjoy the luxury of the abun- 
dant pastures on the farm. The tree which was thus 
used as a stable withered and died many years ago, 
having been entirely stripped of its bark by the teeth 
of the hungry horse. Being an object of great curiosity, 
it was cut down and manufactured into canes, which 
were in great demand and sold at extravagant prices. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


m 

One of these walking-sticks was purchased by a gentle- 
man from Louisiana, who carried it home and presented 
it to General Taylor; at the same time giving him a 
history of the lawyer and his horse. The old hero, who 
admired simplicity of character, was much struck with 
the story, and named his favorite war-horse Old Whitey. 
And tlius did it happen that the gallant charger which 
carried Old Rough and Read}’^ tlirough the glorious battle 
of Buena Yista, had the honor of being named after the 
horse which had so often carried this distinguished lawyer 
with all Ins learning to court.” 

“ Is that all ?” said the Professor, as Toney laid aside 
the manuscript. 

“That ends the chapter,” said Toney. “And it was 
more than enough for Tom Seddou, for he has been 
asleep for the last fifteen minutes.” 

“Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor, “has probably 
glided into a condition of trance, and now has before him 
a beautiful vision of a bowl of strawberries and cream. 
It would not be in accordance with the principles of gen- 
uine philanthropy to awaken him to the unsavory regali- 
ties of ordinary existence. Shall we leave him to wander 
in the land of Nod, and take a walk through the towui ?” 

“ Agreed,” said Toney. And, putting on their hats, 
they left Tom Seddon snoring on Toney’s bed, and pro- 
ceeded on a promenade. 


CHAPTER XXIII. 

“That man on the other side of the street looks like 
one of the belligerent doctors,” said the Professor, as he 
and Toney stood on the pavement in front of the hotel. 

“ It is Doctor Bull, minus his spectacles, and with the 
addition of a very black eye,” said Toney. 

“His vision seems not to be very clear I There! he 
has stumbled over a dog, and is indignantly bestowing on 
the unlucky cur a couple of kicks,” said the Professor. 

“Bull is very near-sighted,” said Toney. “He will 
get along badly without the aid of his spectacles.” 


128 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“I wonder how he got out of jail said the Professor 

“ Colonel Hazlewood bailed him out,” said the landlord. 
“ The colonel needs his services in attendance on his niece, 
Miss Carrington, who is still in a critical condition.” 

“ Did the colonel also bail out the other physician ?” 
asked the Professor. 

“No, indeed!” said the landlord. “The colonel said 
he was afraid to let the other fellow out while the young 
lady was ill. The two doctors might get to fighting 
again, and their patient might die while they were settling 
their difficulties.” 

“I perceive that the colonel is an apt scholar in the 
school of experience,” said the Professor. “It is not ad- 
visable to allow more than one doctor to run at large at 
a time in a small town like this.” 

“ I am glad that Bull is out,” said the landlord. 

“ Why so ?” asked Toney 

“ He has a patient in my house. The gentleman is 
quite sick. He is in the room next to the one occupied 
by you, Mr. Belton. I hope you have not been dis- 
turbed.” 

“ Not at all,” said Toney. “ He has been very quiet. 
I was not aware that there was a sick person in the 
apartment. Come, Charley, let us walk to the post-office.” 

A letter was handed to Toney at the post-office, which 
he read, and then exclaimed, — 

“‘Well, Charley, my holiday is over. I must go back 
to Mapleton by the next train.” 

“ Indeed !” said the Professor. “ What urgent business 
renders your presence necessary in Mapleton ?” 

' “'The great case of Simon Rump vs. the Salt-Water 
Canal Company is to be argued next week. I am 
counsel for the company, and my distinguished friend M. 
T. Pate. is Rump’s attorney. It is a claim for damages. 
The company are about to construct a portion of their 
canal through Rump’s real estate, and a jury are to 
assemble on the ground and assess the damages which 
should be paid to Simon Rump.” 

“Who is Simon Rump?” 

“You have heard Tom Seddon and myself speak of 
Simon Dobbs ?” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


129 


‘‘ The unfortunate individual who was baffled by the 
Mystic Order of Sweethearts in his efforts to obtain an 
angel and seven sweet little cherubs 

“ The same,’’ said Toney. “ Well, Simon Dobbs is 
now Simon Rump.” 

“ Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump I I donT compre- 
hend.” 

“It is so. Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump, and in 
his domicile dwell an angel and seven sweet little cherubs.” 

“I am glad that the poor fellow has at last obtained 
the companionship of angelic beings after so much tribu- 
lation. But how did it happen that his name was changed ? 
Had the angel changed her name, when she came to dwell 
with Dobbs, it would have been more in accordance with 
established usage.” 

“ The angel would not consent to change her name. I 
might as well tell the story at once, for I see that your 
curiosity is aroused.” 

“ Indeed, it is,” said the Professor. “ I am as curious 
as a maiden lady who has accompanied this terrestrial orb 
in fifty annual revolutions around the center of the solar 
system. How did Dobbs become Rump?” 

“ After the poor fellow met with so serious a mishap, 
when he wanted to purchase a wife and a couple of chil- 
dren, he lived in melancholy seclusion during several 
years. He has a fine farm in the neighborhood of Maple- 
ton. On the east side of his farm, and nearer to the town, 
is the estate of the Widow Wild, and on the west was 
the land of Farmer Rump who was also named Simon. 
Rump had fine possessions, and a buxom wife, and seven 
children, and was prosperous and contented. But he was 
taken sick, and a doctor being sent for, in about a week 
Simon Dobbs followed the hearse of his friend and neigh- 
bor Simon Rump to the cemetery. The widow wept and 
the seven children were in deep affliction. Dobbs had a 
soft heart, and went frequently to the house to console the 
widow and orphans. The widow was buxom and bloom- 
ing and the children were chubby. An idea entered the 
head of Dobbs. Here were an angel and seven sweet little 
cherubs. Could he not persuade them to come and dwell 
in his domicile ? In the solitude of his home he again had 


130 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


visions of future felicity. In due time he presented the 
question of annexation for the consideration of the widow. 
It was decided in the nep^ative. She said that she had 
been the wife of Simon Rump, and when she planted a 
rose on the grave of that good man she had solemnly 
vowed that she would never be the wife of anybody but 
Simon Rump. Dobbs went home and had a fit of the 
blues, lie thought of his first love and of his subsequent 
misfortunes. He thought of Susan and the Seven Sweet- 
hearts. He thought of the dreadful beating he had received 
when he wanted to buy a wife and a couple of children. 
He thought of the refusal of the Widow Rump, and he 
was in despair. His home would never be the abode of 
an angel and seven sweet little cherubs.” 

“ Poor fellow !” said the Professor. “ His was, indeed, 
a sad fate ! Excuse me, Toney, if I apply my handkerchief. 
A tear will ooze from the corner of my eye.” 

“ There is no need for your handkerchief. Dobbs’s pros- 
pects now began to brighten. Fortune smiled on him at 
last.” 

“ The cruel jade I” said the Professor. “ She sometime.s 
becomes ashamed of her barbarity and makes amends. I 
trust it was so in the case of poor Dobbs.” 

“ It was,” said Toney. “ A few days after the rejection 
of his suit by the widow, a splendid opportunity, which 
presented itself, for an amazing display of his gallantry, 
enabled him to win her heart. On a bright morning in 
July there w^as an unusually large congregation assembled 
in groups in front of the village church, which stands in a 
grove of fine old trees, affording a delightful shade. While 
the people were thus awaiting the arrival of their pastor, 
the widow rode up, accompanied by her eldest son, a boy 
of twelve years of age. The lad dismounted and led the 
widow’s steed to a big chestnut stump, then used as a 
horseblock. She attempted to dismount, but just at that 
moment the horse suddenly started to one side, and she 
was caught on the pommel, and there hung suspended, like 
Mohammed’s coflQn, between heaven and earth The gawky 
boy exclaimed, ‘ Great golly !’ and stood holding the horse. 
The ladies shrieked and put down their veils, and the 
gentlemen, instead of going to the rescue, turned away 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


131 


as if seized with a sudden panic. In this emergency the 
remarkable presence of mind of Simon Dobbs was wonder- 
fully demonstrated. Hearing the cries of the distressed 
lady, he coolly put his hand in his pocket and drew forth 
a large knife, which he was accustomed to use in his orchard 
for pruning purposes; then turning his back and opening 
the blade, he advanced backward until his shoulders 
almost touched her as she hung in a state of awful sus- 
pense ; when with a skillful movement of the knife he cut 
off the end of the dress which clung to the pommel, and 
the lady fell unharmed to the ground. A shout of applause 
rewarded this noble achievement; and from that day the 
heart of the buxom widow was the property of Simon 
Dobbs.” 

“ So it should have been,” said the Professor. “ In 
books of chivalry and romance a valorous knight, who 
rescues a fair one in distress, is always rewarded by the 
possession of that important organ.” 

“ The pastor did not come,” said Toney. “ The rev- 
erend gentleman was sick ; but the congregation found 
an efficient substitute in M. T. Pate, who mounted the 
pulpit and read the usual prayers, and then selected the 
ninth chapter of Genesis. When in his loud and solemn 
tones Pate read the twenty-third verse, every eye in the 
congregation was directed first towards the widow and 
then towards Simon Dobbs. The widow went home and 
read the chapter over and was deeply impressed. She 
was convinced that Simon Dobbs was a good man, and 
could be compared to the favorite sons of the patriarch. 
She knew that he would make a devoted husband. When 
Dobbs called on the following day to inquire after her 
health, she blushed until her face was as ruddy as the 
morning, and Dobbs saw in her blushes the beams of an 
Aurora which was the harbinger of his happiness.” 

“ Too poetical, Toney,” said the Professor. But 
proceed. What did Dobbs do ?” 

“ He drew his chair close up to the widow ; and this 
time as he approached her he did not turn his back.” 

“ Well, what did he do ?” 

‘‘ He took hold of her hand.” 

‘‘ Well.” 


132 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ He squeezed it.” 

“ Good I” 

“ He advanced his mouth in close proximity to her . 
lips.” 

“ Excellent 1” 

“ He kissed her.” 

“And then?” 

“ One of the little cherubs ran into the room, and 
bawling out, ‘ You stop biting my mamma I’ struck Dobbs 
with a stick.” 

“ Horrible 1” 

“ Dobbs saw a servant-maid’s grinning face at the door. 
He snatched up his hat and rushed from the house. The 
widow seized the little cherub, and laid him over her lap 
and spanked him.” 

“ What became of Dobbs ?” 

“ He returned next evening. The cherubs were all 
put to bed. He again presented the question of annexa- 
tion for the consideration of the widow. This time it was 
debated on both sides. The widow told him that she had 
solemnly vowed never to be the wife of anybody but 
Simon Rump. She could not break her vow. Dobbs 
then proposed to change his name to Rump. This 
proposition was satisfactory. M. T. Pate filed a bill in 
chancery for Dobbs, and a decree was passed changing 
his name to Rump ; and Simon Dobbs is now Simon 
Rump ; and an angel dwells with him, and seven sweet 
little cherubs run about his domicile with their bare 
feet.” 

“ Cherubs are always barefooted,” said the Professor. 

“ They are painted so on canvas. It couldn’t be other- 
wise.” 

“ Why not ?” said Toney. 

“Because no shoemaker ever entered' the kingdom 
of heaven.” 

“ I cannot see why the disciples of St. Crispin should 
be excluded,” said Toney. 

“ They never tell the truth, and liars — you know the 
text. Did you ever see the picture of an angel with a 
pair of shoes on his feet?” 

“ Never I” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 133 

“ They have no shoemakers among them,^’ said the 
Professor. 

They had now reached the hotel, and, after Toney had 
directed Hannibal and Caesar to come for his trunks, were 
approaching his room, when they heard a loud noise, 
and Tom Seddon’s voice furiously shouting “ Villain 
This was followed by the sound of some heavy body 
falling on the floor. Toney and the Professor rushed 
into the room. In the middle of the floor stood Tom 
Seddon with his clothes covered with blood. A crimson 
stream spouted from his person and sprinkled the floor. 
In a corner of the room lay Dr. Bull, having just been 
knocked down by a blow from Seddon’s fist. On the bed 
was a basin turned upside down. With the ferocity of a 
tiger Tom was about to spring at Bull again when Toney 
caught him and held him back. 

“ Let me at him I” shouted Tom, savagely. “ He has 
had my blood and I want his I” 

“Are you not Jones ?” groaned Bull, in the corner. 

“Jones I who is Jones? You bloody old villain I” 
cried Tom. 

“ Good heavens I” said Bull, “ I fear I have made a 
mistake I I have bled the wrong man !” 

Toney roared with laughter, and the Professor fell on 
the bed and emitted violent explosions of mirth. 

Bull, who had been deprived of his spectacles in his 
desperate encounter with Bear, was nearly blind, and 
going into the wrong room had approached the bed. 
Tom was snoring. Bull felt his pulse. “Symptoms of 
apoplexy I” exclaimed Bull. “ A decided change for the 
worse ! He must be immediately depleted or the attack 
may be fatal 1” Bull got a basin, rolled up Tom’s sleeve, 
took out a lancet and sprung it. The blood spirted, and 
Tom jumped up and knocked Bull down. 

All this was explained after Tom’s arm had been 
bound up by the Professor; Bull being too much dis- 
abled by the blow and his fall to render any assistance. 

“ The doctor has amply apologized,” said Toney. 

“ By Jove ! does such an outrage admit of an apology ?” 
said Tom, looking at Bull with savage ferocity. , 

12 


134 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ My dear sir, it was a mistake ! I thought it was 
Jones !” said the doctor, making for the door. 

“ Good-by, doctor !” said Toney. “You have let the 
bad blood out of him, and he will soon be in a better dis- 
position.” 

Bull hastily departed with both eyes in a damaged 
condition. 

“ He has had my blood and I would like to have his,” 
said Tom. 

“Mr. Seddon, you should cultivate a more benign dis- 
position,” said the Professor. “ Bull practiced phlebotomy 
on you with the best intentions.” 

“And now, Tom, I must leave you,” said Toney, as 
Caesar and Hannibal entered the room to carry his trunks 
to the railway. 

“Are you going?” said Tom. 

“ Must go,” said Toney. “ I have to prepare for the 
great case of Simon Rump vs. The Salt-Water Canal 
Company. I leave Charley with you, who will attend 
to your wound, and when it has healed you and he come 
to Mapleton and hear the argument of my distinguished 
adversary M. T. Pate.” 

Both promised to do so; and shaking hands with his 
two friends, Toney went out and closed the door, but im- 
mediately opened it again and said, — 

“ Tom, when you take another siesta, remember to bolt 
the door and keep Bull out. Good-by !” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


135 


CHAPTER XXiy. 

“ Simon, my love,’^ said Mrs. Rump, as she handed her 
affectionate spouse a cup of coffee at breakfast, what 
lawyer have you got to speak to the jury in our great 
case against the Canal Company 

“Why, my angel,’’ said Simon, “I have got Mr. Pate, 
the great lawyer in Mapleton.” 

“ Is Mr. Pate the bald-headed man who sometimes 
reads the prayers in church ?” asked the angel. 

“ He is the man,” said Simon. 

“He must be a very good man,” said the mother of 
the seven sweet little cherub^ 

“ He is,” said the lord of the mansion ; “ and he is 
also a very learned man. He has more than a dozen 
books in his office as big as the Bible, and he reads in 
them every day.” 

“Oh, my !” said Simon’s angel. “No wonder he is 
bald I Reads all those big books I What a heap he 
must know !” 

“Indeed, he does,” said Simon. “And he has prom- 
ised to make a great speech against the Canal Company, 
and get us a power of damages.” 

“ How much ?” inquired the angel. 

“ Thirty thousand dollars — not a cent less.” 

“ Gracious goodness ! thirty thousand dollars I We 
will be as rich as the Widow Wild almost I Indeed, my 
love, you must buy a nice new carriage. I don’t like to 
ride to church on horseback and see the Widow Wild 
coming in her carriage.” 

“ And I want a hobby-horse,” said one of the male 
cherubs. 

“And I want a nice new doll,” said a female cherub. 

“Hush, you noisy brats !” said the angel. And she 
slapped the male cherub on the side of the face, and in 
the operation overturned her cup, and spilt the hot coffee 
on the female cherub’s head. The two cherubs tried the 


136 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPEERS, 


strength of their lungs ; and Simon Rump arose from 
the table, and, putting on his hat, opened the door to go 
forth and talk with his lawyer about the big case. 

The angel followed Simon to the porch and said, — 

“ Thirty thousand dollars ! Oh, my 1 But bow much 
, are you to pay Mr. Pate 

“ One-tenth,” said Simon. 

“ How much is that ?” asked the mother of the cherubs. 

‘‘ Three thousand dollars,” said Simon. 

“ Three thousand dollars I Gracious ! That is a heap 
of money to pay a lawyer for talking to a jury for an hour.” 

“ But Mr. Pate has to read all those big books. It 
would take me ten years to read all those books ; and 
then I would not understand what is in them,” said 
Simon, scratching his head. 

“ Three thousand dollars I How much will we have 
left ?” 

“ Twenty-seven thousand dollars,” said Simon. 

“ Twenty-seven thousand dollars I That is a heap of 
money ! I must have a brand-new carriage with- eagles 
painted on its sides. I don’t like to ride to church on 
horseback.” 

“Before we w^ere married I used to like to see you 
coming to church on horseback,” said Simon. 

The mother of the cherubs bestowed a connubial kiss 
on Simon, who went from his gate merrily whistling, as 
any man might who had an angel and seven sweet little 
cherubs dwelling in his domicile, and expected soon to 
get twenty-seven thousand dollars from a wealthy corpo- 
ration. 

Toney Belton had been occupied since his return to 
Mapleton in preparation for the proper presentation of 
his case to the jury. His distinguished adversary had 
composed a great speech to be delivered on the occasion. 
Pate had determined to operate on the feelings and pre- 
judices of the jury, and thus obtain a verdict for the 
thirty thousand dollars which he had confidently prom- 
ised to his client Simon Rump. 

On the morning of the day on which the jury were to 
assemble on the ground, Tom Seddon and the Professor 
arrived in the cars from Bella Yista. The jury were 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


ISt 


conveyed to the ground in an omnibus in charge of the 
sheriff. M. T. Pate arrived on Old Whitey, and, dis- 
mounting, tied his steed to a tree, which the animal im- 
mediately commenced divesting of its bark. 

The twelve peers deliberately walked over the ground, 
and having carefully examined that portion of it through 
which the canal was to be constructed, seated themselves 
on two benches, which had been prepared for their ac- 
commodation, under the shade of a spreading beech. 
Simon Rump’s counsel was then informed that the jury 
were ready to hear his argument. 

“ Pate is going to make a great speech,” said Tom 
Seddon, as Pate drew from his pocket a number of papers 
and laid them on a stump which he used as a table. 
“ With that black coat and white cravat he looks very 
much like the picture of old John Bunyan in the Pil- 
grim’s Progress.” 

“John Bunyan was an eloquent man,” said the Pro- 
fessor. “And from the very profound and extremely 
solemn look of the advocate now preparing to address 
the jury, I expect to listen to eloquence of the highest 
order. Be ready with your handkerchief, Mr. Seddon, 
or some burst of pathos may find you wholly unprepared 
for the flood of tears which you will be compelled to shed 
over the wrongs of Simon Rump.” 

“ Hush I” said Tom Seddon, “ Pate is wiping the top 
of his big bald head with his handkerchief. He is about 
to begin.” 

“ Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor, “ must I continually 
admonish you to speak reverently of bald heads? Re- 
member the she-bearsl” 

“ Hush !” said Tom, — “listen I” 

M. T. Pate spoke as follows : . 

“ Gentlemen of the jury, — No more important case than 
this ever came before a jury either of ancient or modern 
times. An outrage unparalleled in the whole history of 
Christian jurisprudence is about to be perpetrated upon 
my law-abiding, inoflensive, and patriotic client, Simon 
Rump. And by whom ? By a powerful, an overgrown, 
a gigantic corporation I And, gentlemen, what is a cor- 
poration ? It is defined by the great Judge Marshall to 


138 


THE FUNNY PniLOSOPHERS, 


be ‘an artificial being, invisible, intangible, and existing 
only in contemplation of law.’ In addition to this, I 
assert, that these corporations have neither souls to be 
saved nor bodies to be damned. Gentlemen, we read of 
no such thing in the Bible as a corporation. I have 
carefully searched the five books of Moses, from Genesis 
to Deuteronomy, and I cannot find that God’s chosen 
patriarchs, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or Noah, ever char- 
tered a single corporation. Neither do we find that such 
monopolies were ever tolerated by David or Solomon, or 
any of the kings or judges of Israel. And I challenge 
my learned brother on the other side to produce from the 
whole of the New Testament one single text in favor of 
corporations. Have I not, then, a right to assert that 
these soulless corporations are not sanctioned by the 
Christian religion, but are of heathen invention? 

“ Gentlemen, is it necessary for me to tell you who is 
the plaintiff’ in this cause? Is there an individual now 
within the sound of my voice who has not known and 
loved the name of Rump since the days of his boyhood ? 
Simon now lives uj)on the very spot where he was born, 
and where the bones of his ancestors are buried. Few 
men can boast of so glorious a lineage. His forefathers 
fought against the Frenchmen, the Indians, and the 
British ; and had Simon lived in those days, he would 
have fought as valiantly as they did ; for he is a worthy 
descendant of illustrious sires. 

“ Gentlemen, if you have tears to shed, prepare to shed 
them now. A few weeks ago a worthy farmer of your 
county, upon a bright, warm summer’s day, was seated 
by his own cheerful fire, with his venerable wife and in- 
nocent little ones playing around him. There he sat 
with his head proudly erect, for he knew that no mortal 
man could take from him one foot of that sacred soil 
without his own free consent. But what it was out of 
the power of mortal man to do he learned could be done 
by a soulless corporation. Imagine the feelings of Simon 
Rump then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump 
now. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump’s venerable 
wife then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump’s 
venerable wife now. Imagine the feelings of Simon 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


139 


Eump’s innocent little ones then, and imagine the feelings 
of Simon Rump’s innocent little ones now. 

“ But, gentlemen, Simon Rump is not the only man, 
nor is Mrs. Rump the only woman, nor are the innocent 
little Rumps the only children who will be made to 
suffer from the outrage of this heathen defendant. A 
whole community will be divided in twain. Permit this 
canal to be dug, and will not your county be virtually 
divided as if into two separate kingdoms? It is to be 
forty feet wide and six feet deep, and not one word is 
said about bridges over it. What will be the conse- 
quences ? Will there not be a separation of friends and 
relatives; and what money can compensate for that ? 

“ Gentlemen of the jury, in behalf of Simon Rump ; in 
behalf of Simon Rump’s venerable wife ; in behalf of 
Simon Rump’s innocent little ones; in behalf of Simon 
Rump’s friends and Simon Rump’s neighbors; and in 
behalf of an insulted and outraged community, I appeal 
to you by your love of right and your abhorrence of 
wrong, and by your devotion to your country, and your 
pride for your country, to inflict upon this soulless, 
tyrannical, and heathen defendant such a tremendous 
verdict as will ever hereafter operate as a shield to the 
weak and a warning to the proud.” 

“What do you think of that?” said Tom Seddon to 
the Professor when Pate had concluded. 

“Mr. Seddon, you might live longer than an antedi- 
luvian and never hear such a speech again,” said the 
Professor, with impressive solemnity. 

“ Toney will find it difficult to make a reply,” said Tom. 

“ Toney looks serious,” said the Professor. “ He 
seems to be aw'are that he has to surmount huge diffi- 
culties, and is going to work with due deliberation.” 

“ What a grave aspect he has assumed as he now 
rises before the jury !” said Tom. “ One might suppose 
that, instead of answering Pate’s speech, he was about 
to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body.” 

Toney Belton now^ spoke as follows: 

“Gentlemen of the jury, — While listening with the 
most profound attention and admiration to the solemn 
and powerful appeal just made by my learned and elo- 


140 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


quent brother ; and while beholding, at the same time, 
the evident wonder thereby created among this large and 
respectable assemblage, I was reminded of what is written 
in the fourth chapter of the First Book of Kings, — ‘ And 
there came of all people to hear the wisdom of Solomon.^ 

“ Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all 
the arguments advanced to you by my learned brother. 
I have too much respect for Simon Rump’s venerable 
wife, and Simon Rump’s innocent little ones, and for the 
bones of Simon Rump’s buried ancestors, to say one word 
in disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals. 

But there are other portions of my brother’s argument 
which I must notice, for I fear that they were calculated 
to produce a powerful effect upon a jury of humane and 
benevolent men. 

‘‘ The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be 
divided into two separate kingdoms, as distinct from each 
other as if an impassable gulf had suddenly opened 
between them. He informs us that such must be the 
inevitable result of the construction of this canal. As 
he alluded to the heart-rending scenes about to ensue 
from this separation, the description was so graphic that 
the picture became visible, not only to the imagination, 
but almost to the naked eye. 

“ Behold the canal already dug not less than forty feet 
wide and six feet deep 1 On either side are assembled 
groups of men, women, and children ; for the locks are 
about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears 
are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamenta- 
tions burden the air. On the east side of the canal is the 
fond father, and on the west his favorite son. On the 
east side of the canal is the anxious mother, and on the 
west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the 
canal is the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 
‘sighing like a furnace.’ There they stand about to part 
forever 1 For the lock has been opened above, and the 
water is now rushing into the canal. The moment of 
separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to 
meet again beneath the skies I 

“ Instinctively each one of these disconsolates stretches 
forth the right hand to take a last embrace of a parent, 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


141 


child, brother, sister, mistress, or lover! But even this 
small consolation is denied; for, behold, the water is 
already forty feet wide, and nearly six feet deep ! Then 
there are groans, and moans, and loud lamentations ; and 
tears gush forth, falling like a summer’s shower into the 
dividing waters. There is cast from each face one last, 
long, agonizing look; and those broken-hearted friends 
and relatives depart to their respective homes, to meet 
no more until they meet in heaven, and to smile no more 
on earth. 

“But hark! what sudden, horrid shriek is that? It 
comes from the Rumps ! 

Oh, mercy dispel 

Yon sight that it freezes my spirit to tell ! 

One of the little Rumps has been left on the other side 
of the canal ! 

“Gentlemen of the jury, my feelings so overcome me 
that I can proceed no further, and must therefore submit 
the rights of my heathen client solely to your Christian 
mercy.” 

The effect produced by Toney Belton’s speech was ex- 
traordinary. Shouts of laughter burst from the spectators 
and the jury. Indeed, some of the latter were so over- 
come with merriment that they rolled from their benches 
upon the grass ; the tears streaming from their eyes, and 
their whole frames apparently convulsed with laughter. 

“Where is Mr. Bate?” cried Simon Rump, when the 
tumult had, in some degree, subsided. “ Mr. Pate ! Mr. 
Pate ! Where is Mr. Pate ?” 

“ Yonder he goes !” said a boy. “ Great golly ! ain’t 
he riding !” 

“ Go fetch him back ! Go fetch him back !” cried 
Rump. 

“ It would take Flying Childers to catch that old white 
horse!” said one of Rump’s neighbors. “Your lawyer 
has gone, and you will now have to make a speech your- 
self.” 

“ My lawyer has run away ! I am ruined I I am 
ruined !” exclaimed Rump. 

“ Mount my horse, and ride after your attorney,” said 


142 


THE FUNNY rillLOSOPIIERS, 


the sheriff, his sides shaking with laughter. “ Make haste, 
Mr. Rump! The jury are waiting to hear his argument 
in reply to Mr. Belton.’^ 

Simon Rump shook his head in despair. Rendered 
frantic by the ridicule of his merciless adversary, his 
attorney had rushed wildly from the scene of his discom- 
fiture, mounted his horse, and galloped away, and poor 
Rump was left inops corisilii. 

“ Mr. Rump,” said the sheriff, “ the jury have requested 
me to inform you that they are ready to hear anything 
which you have to say. You are entitled to the closing 
argument.” 

“ 1 canT make a speech,” said Rump; “and my lawyer 
has run away.” 

“ Then the case is submitted for the decision of the jury 
without further argument,” said the sheriff. 

Rump mournfully nodded his head in acquiescence. 
Whereupon the twelve peers arose from their seats, and 
walked aside in consultation They soon returned, and 
rendered a verdict for the defendant. Rump had to pay 
the costs, which amounted to one hundred dollars. He 
pulled out his pocket-book, and handed ninety dollars to 
the sheriff. 

“ Ten dollars more,” said the sheriff. 

“ Mr. Pate will pay the other ten dollars,” said Simon. 

“ How so ?” asked the sheriff. 

“ He was to get one-tenth of the money recovered,” 
said Rump. 

“ Well?” 

“ As we have lost the case, he should pay one-tenth 
of the costs.” 

“That is strictly in accordance with the principles of 
law applicable to copartnerships, — is it not, Mr. Seddon?” 
said the Professor. 

“ Certainly,” said Tom; “profits and losses must be in 
proportion to the interest which each partner has in the 
firm.” 

The sheriff thought otherwise, and Rump reluctantly 
paid the whole amount; saying that he would sue M. T. 
Pate for the ten dollars paid on his account. A few days 
afterwards he actually brought suit before Justice John- 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


143 


son, who rendered a judgment against M. T. Pate for ten 
dollars and costs. 

Simon Rump went home a melancholy man. As he 
entered his door he was met by the mother of the cherubs, 
who threw her arms around his neck and embraced him 
with connubial fondness. 

“ Oh, Simon, my love, I am so glad you have come 
back ! There is a brand-new carriage in Mapleton now 
offered for sale. It will just suit us. Have they paid 
all the money ? How much have you got 

Simon Rump was silent. 

“ How much money have you brought home with you V' 
asked Simon’s angel. 

“Not one cent,” «aid Simon, sadly. “I went away 
this morning with one hundred dollars in my pocket-book, 
and now it is empty. I had to pay some money for Mr. 
Pate.” 

“ But Mr. Pate will pay it back to you out of the three 
thousand dollars,” said the angel. 

“No he won’t,” said Simon. 

“Yes he will,” said the angel. “Mr. Pate is a good 
man. He reads the prayers in church.” 

“ I’ll sue him,” said Simon. 

“ What ?” 

“ I’ll sue M. T. Pate for ten dollars,” said Simon, 
savagely. 

“ Sue your own lawyer?” exclaimed the mother of the 
cherubs. “ Your own lawyer, who has made a great 
speech, and gained our case ?” 

“ He didn’t gain our case, — he lost it.” 

“ Lost our case ?” screamed the angel. “ Simon Rump, 
you don’t mean to say that Pate lost our case?” 

“ That’s just what has happened,” said Simon Rump. 

“ Did he make a speech ?” 

“ He made one speech, and then he ran away.” 

“ What made him run away?” 

“ He got scared,” said Simon. 

“ What did he say in his speech ?” 

.“He talked to the jury about you, and me, and the 
children.” 

. . “ What did Pate say about me ?” 


144 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


‘‘ He called you venerable.” 

“What?” 

“ He called you Simon Rump’s venerable wife.” 

“ Me ? Me ?” 

“Yes, you,” said Simon. “He called you venerable 
several times.” 

“ Several times ?” 

“ Yes, four or five times.” 

“ Said so to the jury ?” 

“ Yes.” 

“ What did you do ?” 

“ Nothing.” 

“ Simon Rump, you are a brute !” said the angel. 

“But, my duck,” said Simon, “ I could not ” 

“ Don’t call me your duck I Duck, indeed I Simon 
Rump, you are a brute 1 You have no feeling. .What I 
stand there and hear that bald-headed booby call me 
venerable ! Well, I’ll give Mr. Pate a piece of my mind. 
Venerable ! venerable I” And the mother of the cherubs 
rushed from the room in a state of unangelic excitement, 
while Simon Rump seated himself in his big arm-chair 
and looked doleful and desolate. 

On the following morning as M. T. Pate sat on his 
porch, brooding over the humiliation of his defeat, a sable 
son of Africa rode up and handed him a letter. He 
opened it and read as follows ; 

“ Mr. M. T. Pate, — Simon has told me that in your 
speech to the jury you several times called me venerable. 
No wonder you lost our case ! for after such a whopper 
about me it was not likely that a single man on the jury 
would believe one word you might say. How dare you 
call a decent woman like me venerable? I am not so 
venerable as you yourself, with your big head almost 
bare of hair outside and altogether bare of brains inside. 

“ You ran away because you w^ere afraid to look twelve 
honest men in the face after what you had said about me. 
You may have better luck when you have learned to tell 
the truth. No more at present. 

“Abigail Rump.” 

This letter, though mortifying at the time, was after- 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


145 


wards of essential service to M. T. Pate. He perceived 
that adjectives suggestive of personal qualities were often, 
like edged tools, to be used with extreme caution, espe- 
cially in their application to the female sex ; and that the 
equanimity even of the mother of seven sweet little 
cherubs might be seriously disturbed by an indiscreet use 
of the word venerable. 


CHAPTER XXY. 

Mr. Pate made an astonishing speech,” said the Pro- 
fessor to Toney and Tom, the day after the trial ; “ such 
a speech as has been seldom listened to by any audience, — 
a speech that was unanswerable by argument.” 

“ And Toney knew it,” said Tom, “ and did not at- 
tempt to answer it by argument.” 

“ Toney,” said the Professor, “ was like a wild Indian, 
dodging around and aiming his arrows at Pate, who had 
come on the ground with a heavy piece of artillery.” 

“ Why do you compare me to a savage ?” said Toney. 

Because you use merciless weapons,” said the Pro- 
fessor. “ Civilized men do not employ the scalping-knife 
and tom aka wk.” 

“ Nor did I,” said Toney. 

Figuratively and metaphorically speaking, you did,” 
said the Professor. “ You brought into the field of 
forensic controversy a most barbarous and cruel weapon.” 

“What was that?” asked Toney. 

“ Ridicule,” said the Professor. “ It may be termed 
the oratorical scalping- knife. Why, sir, Demosthenes, 
with all his thunder, would have been powerless against 
it. Xow, M. T. Pate, though not equal to the great 
Athenian, is an eloquent man. He drew tears from Mr. 
Seddon, who wept_ profusely over the wrongs of Simon 
Rump, and his venerable wife, and innocent little ones. 
But of what avail is the most touching pathos and sub- 
lime eloquence when met by ridicule ? Do you not recol- 

13 


146 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


lect what the poet and philosopher Pope says on this 
subject 

“ I do not,” said Toney. 

“ Let an ambassador,” says he, “speak the best sense 
in the world and deport himself in the most graceful 
manner before a prince, yet if the tail of his shirt happen 
(as I have known it to happen to a very wise man) to 
hang out behind, more people will laugh at that than at- 
tend to the other.” 

“ That is as true as a text from Holy Writ,” said Tom 
Seddon. 

“It is a truth, Mr. Seddon, by no means creditable to 
the good sense of mankind, as we have seen in the case 
of the learned, eloquent, but unlucky M. T. Pate,” said 
the Professor. “ Pate’s unfortunate allusion to the pro- 
spective division of families, resulting from the construc- 
tion of the canal, afforded an opportunity for ridicule, and 
the great beauty and eloquence of his speech were lost 
sight of the very moment the audience beheld Tony Bel- 
ton’s finger pointing to the visible protrusion of his nether 
garment.” 

“ Pate rode away at a terrific speed,” said Seddon. 
“ I have not heard of him since. If he has unfortunately 
broken his neck, Toney Belton will be answerable for the 
awful catastrophe.” 

“No responsibility can possibly attach to me,” said 
Toney. “ You are entirely mistaken in reference to the 
cause of his abrupt departure. Mr. Pate had promised 
to make a speech in behalf of Simon Rump. He did 
make a speech, and then, looking at his watch, he hurried 
away ; for he had more important business on hand than 
any which lawyers have to transact. He was to preside 
at a committee. The hour for its meeting had nearly ar- 
rived, and hence he was compelled to make a liberal use 
of whip and spur.” 

“A committee !” exclaimed Tom. 

“ What committee ?” asked the Professor. 

“A committee compo.sed of several of the most distin- 
guished members of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweet- 
hearts,” said Toney. 

“What is its object?” asked the Professor. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


U1 


“A tournament,” said Toney. 

“A what?” exclaimed Seddon. 

“ A tournament,” said Toney. “ To M. T. Pate be- 
longs the distinguished honor of being the originator of a 
tournament in this age and country.” 

“How did such an extraordinary idea ever enter his 
head ?” said Seddon. 

“ Great men,” said Toney, “ are often led to important 
discoveries by certain phenomena, which, to ordinary 
minds, are devoid of significance. Suppose you, Tom 
Seddon, had been sitting under an apple-tree, instead of 
Newton, and an apple had fallen and hit you on the head; 
what would you have done ?” 

“ Scratched my cocoanut,” said Tom. 

“ In the situation supposed,” said the Professor, “ it is 
highly probable that Mr. Seddon would first have vigor- 
ously titillated the top of his head, and then picked up the 
pippin and devoured it.” 

“ It was not so with the great Newton,” said Toney. 
“ The sudden shock which his cranium received awakened 
an idea, and that idea expanded into a magnificent system 
of philosophy. And so it was with M. T. Pate.” 

“ Did Pate sit under an apple-tree ?” asked Tom. 

“No,” said Toney; “it was a cherry-tree. He was 
seated on the greensward under its shade, when his at- 
tention was attracted to the curious pranks of a couple of 
urchins. They had paper caps on their heads with the 
tail-feathers of a rooster stuck in their crowns. Pate 
heard one of the little fellows say, ‘ I’ll be Bonaparte,’ 
and his companion immediately rejoined that he was 
Wellington. The illustrious Napoleon was armed with a 
bean-pole, and the Iron Duke held in his hand the frag- 
ment of a fishing-rod. After marching and counter- 
marching, and performing many difficult evolutions, the 
martial enthusiasm of Napoleon finally rose to such a 
pitch that he could no longer restrain himself. As im- 
petuously as when he was leading his valiant legions over 
the bridge of Lodi, he charged upon Wellington, and, 
before the latter could parry the thrust, inserted the end 
of the bean-pole in his mouth, to the no small damage of 
his ivoiy. The hero of Waterloo having his mouth thus 


148 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


unexpectedly opened, gave utterance to a cry which was, 
by no means, so warlike as might have been anticipated. 
It had the effect to bring a certain belligerent dame to 
the door, who had thus got an intimation that hostilities 
had actually commenced between Bonaparte and Wel- 
lington. She sallied forth, and seizing upon the illustrious 
Napoleon, she laid him over her lap, and gave him what, 
in the technical phraseology of the nursery, is termed a 
good spanking. Poor Bonaparte bellowed lustily under 
the operation, and as soon as he had escaped from the 
hands of his ruthless captor, went and sat on the sill of 
the door and sobbed sorrowfully over his disgrace. All 
his martial enthusiasm had been suddenly quenched. 

‘ No sound could awake him to glory again,’ and for the 
space of one whole hour he indignantly refused to eat 
even gingerbread.” 

“ I can sympathize with poor Bonaparte,” said the Pro- 
fessor, “ for I was once the unhappy victim of a similar 
misfortune in days gone by, when I was not much taller 
than a gooseberry-bush. I had been diligently perusing 
that good old book, the Pilgrim’s Progress, and under 
the delusion that I was the valiant Great-heart, I assaulted 
an urchin who was supposed to be Giant Despair. I 
overcame the giant, and was imprisoned in the pantry, 
and afterwards tried, and convicted, and sentenced to 
undergo the cruel ordeal of a tough twig for a forcible 
entry into sundry jars of jelly. But what impression 
did the fall of Napoleon make upon the mind of M. T. 
Pate ?” 

“ While meditating upon this event, an idea entered his 
head, which ultimately led to an important discovery. 
His wonderful sagacity enabled him to perceive that if a 
little boy could be Bonaparte, a little man might imper- 
sonate any hero of whom history makes mention.” 

“ Even Jack the Giant-killer,” suggested Tom Seddon. 

“ If,” said Toney, ‘‘ the unlucky urchin, who had been 
spanked by his indignant mamma, could arm himself with 
a bean-pole, and assault Lord Wellington with such vigor 
and impetuosity, could not a number of delicate and 
dainty youths be mounted on diminutive horses, and 
represent Richard the Lion-hearted, or Ivanhoe, or any 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


149 


of the mail-covered barons whose valorous deeds are im- 
mortalized in the pages of Froissart or of Walter Scott?” 

“ Is it meant that the Dainty Adorer or the Winsome 
Wooer could do this ?” asked Tom Seddon. 

“ So thought M. T. Pate,” said Toney. 

“What would be the effect of a moderate blow from 
the ponderous fist of one of the aforesaid barons on the 
head of little Love ?” inquired Tom. 

“ Immediate work for the undertaker,” answered the 
Professor. 

“ Or suppose,” said Tom, “ that Dove was spanked by 
Richard, as was the little boy by his mother ?” 

“ He would be crushed like a pepper-corn pounded by 
a pestle in a mortar,” remarked the Professor. 

“ And,” said Seddon, “ the immense load of iron and 
steel carried by one of the knights at the tournament of 
Ashby-de-la-Zouch, where three combatants were killed, 
one smothered in his armor, and thirty wounded, if put 
upon Bliss ” 

“ Would cause the dainty creature to think of Pelion 
piled upon Ossa,” observed the Professor. 

“ But,” said Toney, “ Pate was well acquainted with 
the wonder-working powers of the imagination, and knew 
that with the aid of this faculty he could easily induce 
young maidens, who were diligent students^ of romance, 
to believe that the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, 
and the Winsome Wooer, mounted on ponies, and flour- 
ishing long poles, were valorous knights, armed for the 
performance of doughty deeds ; just as the unsophisti- 
cated birds are made to imagine that the effigies placed 
by a farmer around his cornfield are the dangerous and 
destructive bipeds in whose images they have been cun- 
ningly fashioned.” 

“ You now perceive, Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor, 
“in what various aspects the same subject will be con- 
templated by different minds. Mr. Pate is a man of an 
original and sublime genius, and entertains ideas which 
would never enter into either your head or mine.” 

“ But,” said Tom, “ what did he do with his grand 
idea ?” 

“ Having thoroughly elaborated it,” said Tonev, “ he 
13 * 


150 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOFEERS, 


called a meeting of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweet- 
hearts and made known his important discovery. The 
announcement was received with acclamations of ap- 
plause, and the projected tournament pronounced worthy 
of the illustrious founder of their noble order. A com- 
mittee was appointed, composed of the Prince of Pretty 
Fellows, the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and 
the Winsome Wooer, with the Noble Grand Gander him- 
self as chairman ; and upon this dignified body was de- 
volved the onerous duty of developing all the details of 
the intended tourney. Numerous meetings were held by 
the committee, and many discussions ensued. Books of 
chivalry and romance were referred to, and the Chroni- 
cles of Froissart diligently perused. But by far the 
highest authority on the subject was the novel of Ivan- 
hoe, in which the most graphic and intelligible account 
of a tournament was to be found. But when Pate read 
to the committee Walter Scott’s description of the passage 
of arms at Ashby ” 

“ I remember it well !” exclaimed Tom Seddon, en- 
thusiastically. “ How the knights met in the encounter, 
— how the lances were shivered, the powerful steeds 
thrown back on their haunches, and many combatants 
hurled from their saddles by the terrible shock, — how 
B-ichard assailed the gigantic Front de Boeuf, and struck 
down horse and rider at a single blow, and then, wrest- 
ing the battle-axe from the hands of the bulky Athelstane, 
dashed him senseless to the ground! It is sublime I it is 
magnificent I” 

“ What effect did the reading of this description by 
Walter Scott, which has so aroused the enthusiasm of 
Mr. Seddon, produce on the committee V- asked the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ Every member of the committee turned pale,” said 
Toney. “Bliss trembled and was silent; while Love 
loudly exclaimed that he would not take part in any 
such performance, and Dove said that indeed it was too 
dangerous.” 

“ But the ultimate result ?” said the Professor. 

“ The panic produced by the reading of this passage 
from Ivanhoe was so great,” said Toney, “ that it nearly 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


151 


caused an abandonment of their intention to hold a tour- 
nament. The committee adjourned to meet on the follow- 
ing' day for further deliberation. M T. Pate went home 
and passed a sleepless night in profound meditation.” 

“One might suppose,” said the Professor, “that the 
activity of his mind would have enabled him to surmount 
the difficulty which had presented itself. Could he not 
recollect that in the encounter between Napoleon and 
Wellington, neither of them had used artillery or any 
of the deadly weapons employed in modern warfare? If 
these illustrious heroes could dispense with fire-arms, 
why could not Richard and Ivanhoe get along very well 
without their heavy defensive armor and ponderous 
swords and battle-axes?” 

“That was precisely the conclusion arrived at by M. 
T. Pate in his nocturnal meditations,” said Toney. “ He 
perceived that the whole danger of a tournament might 
be avoided by mounting his knights on small horses, 
witli chicken-feathers in their caps, and long poles in 
their hands; when, instead of charging at each other, 
they could, in succession, charge at a mark in the shape 
of a ring ; and he who was the most expert in thrusting his 
pole through the ring, could be proclaimed the victorious 
champion, entitled to crown the Queen of Love and 
Beauty.” 

“It is to be hoped,” said the Professor, “that this 
grand idea entered the mind of M. T. Pate cautiously 
and on tiptoe. If it rushed in unannounced, like a daring 
intruder, there was danger of its upsetting all the furni- 
ture, and disturbing him as ranch as was Archimedes when 
he leaped out of the bath exclaiming, ‘ Eureka I eureka I’ ” 

“ Pate jumped out of bed,” said Toney, “ and danced 
over the floor, exclaiming, ‘ I have got it! I have got it !’ 
His old housekeeper, who had been fast asleep in an ad- 
joining apartment, was aroused by these loud cries, and 
thinking that there were robbers in the house, ran to the 
window and commenced shrieking, ‘Help! help! help I 
murder! murder! murder!’ with the whole strength of 
her lungs.” 

“Now, here was a fuss in the family,” said Seddon. 
“ What did Pate do to quell this disturbance ?” 


152 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ He called to her in loud and angry tones, and ordered 
her to cease her frightful outcries. But the more loudly 
he called, the more loudly the old woman bawled, and 
finally four or five neighbors came running to the house 
armed with axes and pitchforks. These men, hearing 
the cries of murder from the old woman, and Pate’s angry 
voice in denunciation, under the impression that the latter 
had gone crazy and was about to commit a homicide, 
broke down the door, and, rushing in, seized him and 
threw him upon the floor, and bound him fast with the 
bedcords. The housekeeper, when she heard the men 
rushing into the liouse, was convinced that robbers had 
possession; and, in the utmost terror, the poor creature 
fled down a back stairway and out the door, and ran 
across a field until she entered a forest, where she fell 
down in a state of insensibility.” 

“ But what did the men do with their prisoner said 
Seddon. 

“ Pate being bound with cords now conducted himself 
like a furious maniac. He raved, and swore, and kicked, 
and foamed at the mouth, and endeavored to bite his 
captors with his teeth. But he was held down on the 
floor by two stalwart farmers, while the others consulted 
together ; and the unanimous opinion was that so danger- 
ous and murderous a lunatic should be immediately con- 
fined in a hospital. A horse was harnessed to a cart, and 
they put Pate, securely bound with cords, in the bottom 
of the vehicle, and while one drove, the others walked 
alongside, with their axes and pitchforks on their shoul- 
ders, and thus conveyed him to a lunatic asylum situated 
a few miles from Mapleton.” 

“It is under the superintendence of Dr. Mowbray,” 
said Seddon. “ I know him well.” 

“ Dr. Mowbray was awakened by the farmers loudly 
calling at the door. ‘What do you want?’ said he, 
putting his head out the window. 

“‘We’ve got a crazy man here,’ said Farmer Brown, 

‘ and want to get him off our hands. Come down, doctor, 
and take him in.’ 

“ The doctor dressed himself and came down. ‘ Here 
he is,’ said Fanner Jones. ‘ He is as mad as the moon 
can make a man !’ 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


153 


“ ‘I am not mad 1 I am not mad I’ exclaimed Pate, in 
the bottom of the cart. 

“‘He is talking poetry,’ said Brown. ‘I heard my 
little boy speak that at school.’ 

“ ‘ My men,’ said the doctor, ‘ whom have you got 
here ? Why, it is Mr. Pate I When did he go mad V 

“ ‘ I am not mad I I am not mad I’ piteously exclaimed 
poor Pate, 

“ ‘ Don’t you hear that, doctor V said Jones. ‘ He is 
as crazy as an old cow with a wolf in her back!’ 

“ ‘ Who sent him here V asked the docTtor. 

“The farmers now told their story. 

“ ‘ My men,’ said the doctor, ‘ I fear that you have acted 
without sufficient authority. Let me talk to Mr. Pate.’ 

“After a conversation with the unhappy captive, the 
•doctor told his captors that they had better go home and 
attend to their own business ; that Pate was not crazy, 
and might have every one of them prosecuted for a bur- 
glarious entry into his house in the night-time. When 
the farmers heard this they fled with precipitation, leaving 
their captive in the hands of the doctor, who unbound 
him and treated him kindly, and, after breakfast, loaned 
him a horse, on which he rode back to his home.” 

“ What did Pate do after he was declared sane by the 
doctor and released from captivity ?” asked the Professor. 

“ He proceeded with his preparations for the tourna- 
ment,” said Toney. “ His views in relation to tilting at 
a ring were unanimously approved by the committee ; 
though the Noble Nonentity suggested, that as the 
weather would be very sultry, each knight should be 
allovv’^ed to carry an umbrella to protect himself from the 
heat of the sun. This prudent suggestion, intended to 
guard against the danger of coup de soldi, is still under 
consideration, and is a matter yet to be decided by the 
committee, to meet which was the cause of Pate’s hur- 
ried departure on yesterday.” 

“When does the tournament come off?” asked Tom 
Seddon. 

“ Next Monday,” said Toney. “ Tom, you must be 
here on that day.” 

“ I most certainly will,” said Tom. 


154 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ And I, too,” said the Professor. 

“ Are you going back with Tom ?” asked Toney. * 

“ 1 intend to return to Bella Vista for the purpose of 
protecting Mr. Seddon from Dr. Bull, if that eminent 
physician should undertake to make any more experi- 
ments in phlebotomy,” said the Professor. “ But I will 
be here on the day of the tourney. Good-by, Toney.” 

“ Good-by, Charley ; good-by, Tom,” said Toney, 
shaking hands with his two friends, who proceeded to the 
cars, and took passage for Bella Vista. 


CHAPTER XXVI. 

Intense excitement prevailed in the community when 
the day for the tournament arrived. The governor of the 
State was expected to be .present with his military stalf, 
the adjutant-general, and other distinguished personages. 
It was anticipated that the array of beauty would be im- 
mense ; and, for a week anterior to the eventful day, each 
fair maiden had held frequent consultations with her 
mirror, in order to ascertain whether there was a proba- 
bility that she might have the high honor of being crowned 
Queen of Love and Beauty by some valorous and victo- 
rious knight. V 

Tom Seddon and the Professor had arrived on the pre- 
ceding evening from Bella Vista. Tom was now su- 
premely happy, for Ida Somers had temporarily escaped 
from the supervision of her cynical uncle, and was the 
guest of the Widow Wild. The Professor told Toney 
that when Tom heard that Ida had gone to Mapleton to 
attend the tournament, he could hardly content himself 
to wait for the next train, but wanted to be off like a 
pyrite of iron after the magnet; and that, when on the 
cars, he was continually complaining of the sluggishness 
of the iron horse, which failed to go faster than twenty 
miles in an hour. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


155 


Tom escorted the beautiful Ida to the ground, wlio be- 
stowed on her escort many a smile, and furtively glanced 
at his face, radiant with happitiess, and came to the con- 
clusion that Tom was a very handsome fellow ; but would 
not for the world have permitted anybody to kuovv that 
such was her decided opinion. 

Toney walked behind Ida and Tom, with Rosabel by 
his side, while the Professor had the Widow Wild under 
his protection. They were soon comfortably seated, and 
cast their eyes around to survey the scene before them. 

“ Who are those military gentlemen standing in a line 
in front of their horses said Rosabel to Toney. 

“ Those are the knights,” said Toney. “ The big man 
on the right is Richard.” 

“ Who is Richard ?” asked Rosabel. 

“ Richard the Lion-hearted,” said Toney. 

“ Why, he looks like Mr. Pate,” said Ida. 

“ Richard and Pate are one and the same person to-day,” 
said Toney. “ M. T. Pate is now Richard Plautagenet, 
Miss Somers; and if he should prove victorious in the 
lists he may crown you Queen of Love and Beauty ” 

Tom Seddon was silent, but he gazed at Richard with 
a look of savage ferocity, which reminded the Professor 
of the expression of his countenance just after he had been 
bled by Doctor Bull. 

“ The knight standing next to Mr. Pate, who is he ?” 
asked Rosabel. 

“ Ivanhoe,” said Toney. 

“ It is Mr. Wiggins,” said Ida. 

“ Formerly Mr. Wiggins, now the son of Cedric, — the 
disinherited knight, the valiant Ivanhoe.” 

“ And the little man whose head hardly reaches to his 
horse’s mane? How in the world will he ever mount?” 
said Rosabel. 

“ Oh, never fear. His esquire will help him on his 
horse. He is a Knight Templar,” said Toney. 

“ What is his name ?” said Rosabel. 

“Brian de Bois Guilbert,” said Toney. 

“ It is little Love,” said Tom Seddon. 

“ And the one next to him is Dove,” said the widow. 

“Formerly Dove, but now Athelstane the Saxon,” 


156 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


said Toney. “ He is a knight of great prowess, and has 
royal blood in his veins.” 

“And the other little man standing in front of the 
black horse, who is he?” asked Rosabel. 

“ Why, that is Bliss,” said the widow. 

“No longer Bliss,” said Toney, “ but the accomplished 
and gallant Maurice de Bracy.” 

“And Ned Botts and Sam Perch,” said the widow, 
“ who have they become ?” 

“ Those two gentlemen,” said Toney, “ have selected 
their designations from localities to which they are strongly 
attached and desire to honor by their valorous deeds of 
knighthood. Mr. Botts, who formerly resided in a village 
where each householder was required by an immemorial 
custom to keep at least six of the canine species, whose 
barking and howling at night were supposed to be good 
for persons afflicted with typhoid fever, calls himself the 
Knight of Cunopolis.” 

“ Cunopolis!” said Ida. “Oh, what a pretty name I” 

“ It is composed of two Greek words,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ What is the signification ?” asked Rosabel. 

“ Dog Town,” said the Professor. 

“ Dog Town I Oh, horrid I” said Ida. 

“Mr. Botts is the Knight of Cunopolis, or Dog Town,” 
said Toney. 

“ And Perch ?” asked the widow. 

“The father of that young man,” said Toney, “had 
heard that N. P. Willis, while residing in Wyoming Val- 
ley, bad named his place Glenmary in compliment to his 
wife, and in honor of his own wife has named his place 
Gienbetsy. So Perch is the valorous Knight of Glen- 
betsy.” 

. “ Glenmary is a very beautiful name,” said Ida. 

“And so is Gienbetsy,” said the Professor. 

“ Tastes may differ,” said Toney. 

“ Mr. Belton,” said the widow, “what is Barney Bates 
doing there — holding that horse ?” 

“ He is esquire to Richard Plantagenet,” said Toney. 
“ Each one of those boys is esquire to a gallant knight, 
and holds his horse until the champion is ready to mount.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


15t 


“ Barney is a bad boy,” said the widow. 

“ Indeed, he is a bad boy !” said Rosabel. 

“ The only harm I ever knew Barney to do,” said 
Toney, “ was to turn a tavern-keeper’s sign upside down, 
and when Boniface came out in the morning, he beheld 
an Irishman standing on his head before the door trying 
to read the letters which were inverted.” 

“ He tied bells to my horse’s tail,” said the widow. 

“ He did worse than that,” said Rosabel. 

“ What was it?” said Toney. 

“ Why,” said Rosabel, “ some pious people were engaged 
in holding a prayer-meeting, and he tied a bundle of fire- 
crackers behind an unlucky cur and applied a torch.” 

“ Oh, I recollect I” said Toney, laughing. “ The de- 
mented dog ran into the midst of the meeting, carrying 
terror and confusion wherever he went. The worthy min- 
ister said that he saw the hand of Satan in this trick; 
and ever since that time Barney has been supposed, by 
good people, to act by the instigation of that great designer 
of mischief.” 

“ That boy will play some trick on those knights,” said 
the widow. 

“Why, mother,” said Rosabel, “how can he? They 
have him right before their eyes.” 

“Never mind,” said the widow. “Mark what I say. 
Barney will play some trick on the knights.” 

“ Look yonder !” exclaimed Tom Seddon. 

“ Oh, splendid I” cried Ida. 

“Who is he ?” asked Rosabel. 

“ The governor of the State,” said Toney. 

“ W’'hat a noble horse he is riding !” said Rosabel. 

“ And what a beautiful uniform he has on I” said Ida. 

“ Who is the fat man riding on his right?” asked Ro- 
sabel. 

“ The adjutant-general,” said Toney. 

“And these other gentlemen ?” asked Ida 

“ His military staff,” said Toney. 

The governor and his staff, in gorgeous uniforms and 
magnificently mounted, rode over the ground, and halt- 
ing in front of the knights, who were standing in a line, 
each by the side of his steed, his Excellency addressed 

14 


158 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


them in a brief But eloquent and impressive speech. He 
told them that this was a great occasion, and that the 
eyes of fair women and brave men were fixed upon them ; 
and urged them to comport themselves as chivalrous and 
valiant knights. His Excellency, amidst loud applause, 
then retired to the extremity of the lists, where he grace- 
fully sat on his horse, a few paces in advance of his staff, 
with the adjutant-general on his right. 

The valiant champions now proceeded to mount. It 
devolved on Richard to make the first tilt at the ring. 
The Marshal blew a trumpet, and exclaimed, in a loud 
voice, '' Preux chevaliers I faites vous devoirs/^’ Richard 
leveled his pole and was about to make an impetuous 
charge at the ring, when Old Whitey began to kick up 
behind, and becoming unmanageable, ran off in the direc- 
tion of the governor and his staff. Richard still held his 
pole horizontally, and had not his Excellency skillfully 
handled his horse, he would have been hurled from his 
saddle. As it was, the unfortunate adjutant-general re- 
ceived the shock. The end of the pole struck him fair 
on the breast, and down he went in the dust ; for who 
could, withstand the terrible charge of Richard the Lion 
hearted ? 

Having unhorsed the adjutant-general, on went the 
indomitable Richard, scattering the crowds, until he 
suddenly left the lists, and was seen dashing down the 
road, with his pole still poised, and his horse kicking up 
his heels and casting clouds of dust behind him. 

Just then Ida uttered a shriek as Love was thrown 
over the head of his horse and fell at her feet. 

“ Pick Love up !” exclaimed the widow. 

“Oh — oh — oh, mercy!” screamed Rosabel, as Bliss 
came charging towards her ; and his horse, rearing and 
kicking, hurled the rider over his head and almost de- 
posited Bliss in the young lady’s lap. 

“ Look out for Dove, ladies !” exclaimed Toney, as 
Dove took flight from the back of his horse and fell at 
the feet of the fair candidates for the crown. 

“ Gracious heavens I look yonder I” cried the widow. 

All eyes were turned in the direction indicated. 

The other knights, emulating the example of their il- 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


159 


liisU’ious leader, were charging the governor’s staff. 
The Knight of Cunopolis headed the onset; and after dis- 
mounting two captains and one colonel, the three valor- 
ous knights, with an amazing clatter of hoofs, went off 
after Richard the Lion-hearted. 

His Excellency was astounded at this novel manner of 
conducting a tournament; but, being admirably mounted 
and fond of excitement, he galloped off with a portion of 
his staff in pursuit of the fugitive knights. About a 
mile on the road his horse leaped over Ivanhoe, who had 
sought repose on the bosom of his mother earth. Farther 
on the valorous Knight of Glenbetsy was seen floundering 
among the frogs in a pond of water. They now came 
in sight of the Knight of Cunopolis, who was going along 
at a furious speed, still carrying his pole in his hand, 
when down went his horse in a gully. Leaving one of 
his staff to assist the fallen hero, on went his Excellency 
in pursuit of Richard the Lion-hearted. Reaching the 
top of an eminence, he beheld Richard on his white 
charger riding along at a terrific speed. His Excellency, 
who was a famous fox-hunter, now stood in his stirrups 
and shouted, “ Tallyho I tallyho !” and then applied whip 
and spur with redoubled vigor. 

They soon crossed a stream which formed the boundary 
of two counties. 

Richard was now hidden from their view by an angle 
in the road ; and when their panting and foam-covered 
horses had galloped another mile, they beheld him Ijdng 
on the ground by the side of his gallant charger. Old 
Whitey had fallen, thoroughly exhausted ; and Richard, 
dismounted at last, now lay in the road, gasping for 
breath, but still grasping his long pole. 

When he had been restored to consciousness, his Ex- 
cellency complimented him on his admirable horseman- 
ship, and said that the chase had afforded him fully as 
much enjoyment as he had ever found in the most excit- 
ing fox-hunt. 

In the afternoon of the same day, as Rosabel and Ida 
were seated on the porch of the Widow Wild’s mansion, 
in company with Toney and Tom, they beheld, on the 
road leading to Mapleton, a procession of people on horse- 


160 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOPIIERS, 


back following a carriage, in which were seated a Cau- 
casian and an African. 

“What is that?” said Rosabel. “It looks like a fu- 
neral.” 

“ Nothing like a funeral,” said Toney, who had applied 
^ an opera-glass to his eye. 

“ What can it be ?” asked Rosabel. 

“ A triumphal procession in honor of Richard Planta- 
genet,” said Toney. “ The governor and his staff are 
conducting him back to the town. Richard’s chariot is 
driven by an Ethiopian, and another African is leading 
his white charger, which seems much exhausted.” 

“ I do wonder what made those horses run away with 
the knights?” said Rosabel. 

“ We have made the discovery,” said the widow, 
coming on the porch in company with the Professor. “ It 
was just as I had predicted. That Barney Bates was at 
the bottom of the mischief.” 

“ What did he do ?” asked Rosabel. 

“ Why,” said the Professor, “ in anticipation of the 
tournament, Barney had procured pieces of leather perfo- 
rated by a number of long and sharp tacks, the points of 
which were carefully covered by other pieces of thinner 
leather, so arranged that it required the weight of the 
rider to cause the tacks to pierce through. Bates had 
seduced the other boys from their allegiance to their 
respective knights, and under each saddle was one of these 
cruel instruments of torture, ready to give the steed great 
agony as soon as the valiant knight had mounted.” 

“ And that caused the horses to kick up and run off?” 
said Ida. 

“ That was undoubtedly the cause of their extraordi- 
nary excitement,” said the Professor. 

“ I wonder what has become of Love ?” said Ida. 

“ He fell at your feet,” said Toney. 

“ And Bliss ?” said Rosabel. 

“ Bliss endeavored to bestow himself on you,” said 
Toney., 

“ Indeed, he was very near falling in Rosabel’s lap,’^ 
said the widow. 

“And what did they do with Dove?” asked Ida. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


161 


“ Ladies,” said the Professor, “ I have made inquiry, 
and can answer your questions. Those three gallant 
knights were carried from the lists to the town. No 
bones had been broken, but their nerves were terribly 
shattered. They were conducted to a chamber in the 
hotel, and strong tonics brought from the bar and skill- 
fully administered by the landlord. At this very mo- 
ment, Love, Dove, and Bliss are snugly sleeping in the 
same bed, and probably dreaming of future fields of 
glory.” 


CHAPTER XXYIL 

In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon passed 
seven days of rapture. Every morning and evening he 
was at the mansion of the Widow Wild, and had eyes 
and ears for nobody but Ida. The Professor informed 
Toney that in their walks homeward by moonlight, Tom 
was usually as silent as a man who had a difficult prob- 
lem in his head for solution, and that on several occasions, 
when he had endeavored to engage him in conversation, 
he had started from a reverie, and exclaimed, “ Indeed, 
Miss Ida, what you say is very true.” 

‘‘ He mistook you for Ida ?” asked Toney 

“ To be sure he did,” said the Professor. “ Mistook 
me for a young lady. Is it not a pretty piece of business 
for the founder of the sect of Funny Philosophers to 
have the imagination of one of his disciples clothing him 
in petticoats ? Toney, tell me, candidly, do I look like 
Ida ?” 

“ Not much, I must confess,” said Toney, laughing. 
“ But Ida’s image is impressed on Tom’s organ of vision, 
and when he looks at you the image aforesaid is dancing 
in the intervening space.” 

“ And so he mistakes me for the young lady. Tom 
Seddon is getting to be really disagreeable,” said the 
Professor. “ During the day, when Ida is not present, 
he is as absent-minded as was ever old Sir Isaac Newton j 

14 * 


162 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


and at night, as we occupy the same room in the hotel, I 
am annoyed by his somniloquism.” 

“ What does he say ?” asked Toney. 

“ I cannot comprehend his incoherent mutterings, but 
sometimes hear ‘ Ida, Ida,’ articulated with tender empha- 
sis. I do wish that Tom would get out of Doubting 
Castle.” 

“ What sort of a place is that?” asked Toney. 

“ A place in which all young ladies compel their lovers 
to dwell for a period, either long or short, according to 
their whim or caprice. I have known some maidens, 
who looked as meek and gentle as the doves that cooed 
in the garden of Eden iii the days of primeval innocence, 
exhibit as much cruelty to their captives as did Old Giant 
Despair to the poor Pilgrims who had fallen into his 
hands. Indeed, I have known some lovers held in 
Doubting Castle for years.” 

“Do you think that Tom’s term of imprisonment will 
be of long duration ?” 

“ I think not. Ida’s uncle is opposed to Tom’s suit, is 
he not ?” 

“Oh, very much. He puts almost insuperable bar- 
riers between Tom and Ida. He sometimes chases Tom 
out of his house by pretending to have a fit of canine 
rabies.” 

“ This opposition on the part of the old Cerberus will be 
the means of soon liberating Tom from Doubting Castle.” 

“How, so?” 

“ As I said on a former occasion, women are like pigs : 
if you try to head them off they will give a squeal and 
bolt by you, and travel the very road you didn’t want 
them to go. Old Crabstick will soon find this out. Tom 
Seddon will not long remain in Doubting Castle.” 

“ Yonder he comes now,” said Toney. 

“ He is out of the Castle, — I know it,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ What makes you think so?” 

“ Look how he walks. His head is up. His step is 
as light as if his feet were feathers. Yesterday he held 
his head down, as if he were calculating the distance to 
the antipodes, and walked as if he had a large quantity 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


163 


of lead in the bottom of his boots. I’ll bet that he don’t 
call me Miss Ida after to-day.” 

Tom Seddon approached them with his face radiant 
with smiles. He took Toney by the hand and slmok it 
ener«^etically. He .then seized the Professor by both 
hands and gave him a violent shaking. 

“ It is a beautiful day,” said Tom. 

“ It is always so,” said the Professor, “after ” 

“ After what ?” asked Tom. 

“ After the sun comes from behind the clouds,” said the 
Professor. 

' “ Toney, my dear fellow, I want to speak to you,” said 
Tom, taking Toney by the arm and leading him aside. 

“ I knew it,” muttered the Professor to himself. “ The 
gates of Doubting Castle are wide open. He is out. How 
happy he looks I I wonder if it always makes a man feel 
so happy ? I wish I could find Dora. I’d risk another 
negative.” 

Tom told Toney his secret. He had walked with Ida 
in the Widow Wild’s garden, and had told the young lady 

how But this ought not to be repeated. He and 

Ida had exchanged vows of eternal fidelity, and Miss 
Somers had promised to become Mrs. Seddon at some 
future period not yet clearly designated. This was a 
profound secret between Toney and Tom, and the latter 
was confident that the Professor did not even guess at it, 
as was evident from the very grave manner with which 
he remarked, as they came where he stood, — 

“ Toney, it is about time for me to go home and pre- 
pare for the exhibition. You will be there to-night ?” 

“ Yes, Tom and I will be there, and bring the ladies.” 

The Professor proceeded to his lodging, while Toney 
and Tom walked to the residence of the Widow Wild, and 
sat on the porch with Rosabel and Ida. 

Joseph Boneskull, the learned phrenologist, was to 
make a public examination of heads, and, as a sort of 
afterpiece, the Professor had promised to make some ex- 
periments in biology. This he did merely as an amateur, 
and for the entertainment of his friends. The profits of 
the exhibition inured to the benefit of Boneskull. 

There was a large crowd gathered in the town hall of 


164 


THE FUNNY FEILOSOFIIERS, 


Mapleton. Toney and Tom escorted Ida, Rosabel, and 
the widow to the exhibition, and secured for them com- 
fortable seats. 

“Who is that little man seated on the platform?’^ 
asked Rosabel. 

“ That is the phrenologist,” said Toney. 

“ What is that thing on the table before him ?” asked 
Rosabel. 

“ The phrenologist informed me that it was the skull 
of a distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo,” said 
Toney. 

“ It looks like a sheep’s head,” said the widow. 

Boneskull now arose and made a few remarks, tending 
to show what important results the science of phrenology 
was destined to produce ; saying that in the administra- 
tion of justice the guilt or innocence of parties accused of 
crimes could be ascertained with certainty by an inspec- 
tion of their craniums ; that men could thus know what 
occupation or calling they should pursue, and whom they 
should marry ; remarking, with emphasis, that no gentle- 
man should venture upon matrimony until he had first 
made a critical examination of the young lady’s head. 

“What’s that he says?” asked the widow. 

“ Why, mother, he says that gentlemen should ex- 
amine young ladies’ heads when they court them,” said 
Rosabel. 

“ If I were a young lady,” said the widow, “ I would 
like to see any man come pawing about my head.” 

Tom looked at Ida, and Ida blushed, and Tom was sat- 
isfied and willing to venture on matrimony without an 
examination of that beautiful head covered with long and 
luxuriant tresses. 

“ What is Mr. Pate going to do ?” asked Rosabel, as 
Pate took a seat on the platform. 

“ He has presented himself for examination,” said Toney. 

The phrenologist carefully manipulated the big bald 
head before him, and then exclaimed, with enthusiasm, — 

“ This gentleman has a most magnificent cranium. 
His perceptive faculties are large, and so are the organs 
of firmness, benevolence, and conscientiousness ; com- 
parison is very large, and causality is immense. I have 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


165 


never met with a finer development of the reasoning 
faculties except on the skull of the distinguished lawyer 
of Timbuctoo, which now lies before me on the table. 
This gentleman would excel in intellectual pursuits, and 
might make a great and distinguished judge, the equal of 
Mansfield or Marshall.” 

Pate retired from the platform a proud and happy man, 
and from that day became an enthusiastic student of the 
science of phrenology. 

Perch seated himself in the chair which he had vacated. 

“ This gentleman,” said Boneskull, “ is better fitted for 
domestic life. He would be a devoted lover, and a dis- 
appointment in love might drive him to despair, and even 
suicide.” 

Perch hastily retired, for he recollected the bottle of 
brandy which he had swallowed in a fit of desperation 
after his unfortunate interview with the beautiful Imogen 
in Colonel Hazlewood’s garden. Love and Dove now 
seated themselves in two chairs, and were examined by 
Boneskull, who said, — 

“ The organs of these gentlemen correspond in every 
particular. Each can sing sweetly, and either could easily 
win a woman’s heart.” 

“ What’s that ?” exclaimed the widow. 

“ Listen,” said Rosabel. 

“They could conquer in affairs of love, and either could 
drive a woman to despair ; but neither would do so, for in 
both the organ of benevolence is immensely developed.” 

“ Did you ever hear such talk ?” said the widow. 
“ Dove drive a woman to despair! Well, I wonder what 
he is going to say about Ned Botts?” said she, as that 
uncomely individual ascended the platform and seated 
himself in the chair. 

“ Perhaps,” said Boneskull, with a look of embarrass- 
ment,“ you might be offended if I were to say what is re- 
vealed by the bumps?” 

“ Not at all,” said Botts. “ Speak out.” 

“ The organ of destructiveness is very large. This 
man might commit ” 

“What?” said Botts. 

“ Murder,” said Boneskull. 


166 


THE FUNNY FniLOSOPHERS, 


Botts jumped up and knocked Boneskull down, and 
kicked him off the platform. 

“Murder! murder I murder I” roared the phrenologist 
as he rolled on the floor among the audience. 

The ladies shrieked, and two constables rushed forward, 
and, seizing Botts, who was swearing vociferously, led 
him from the room. 

“ Where is Boneskull exclaimed a man in the crowd. 

“ Here he is under my feet,” said another. 

The little man was lifted up and placed on the platform. 

“Oh, dear,” said Rosabel, “he is almost murdered! 
Look how he is bleeding.” 

“ Boneskull put his handkerchief to his nose, from which 
a crimson stream was copiously flowing, and hastily re- 
treated from the room by a back door. 

The Professor followed him out, and soon returned and 
announced that the phrenologist was too much disabled 
to resume his position on the platform. It was therefore 
proposed to entertain the audience with some experiments 
in biology, and to show them the wonderful effects of a 
psychological illusion. 

“ Let any one who is so disposed,” said the Professor, 
“ sit for fifteen minutes with his eyes closed and his right 
thumb on his left pulse. At the end of that time I will 
commence my experiments.” 

Several persons immediately put themselves in the re- 
quired position. The Professor held his watch in his 
hand, and at the expiration of the time named, approached 
M. T. Pate, who was sitting with his eyes closed and his 
thumb on his wrist. “ Open your eyes! open your eyes, 
if you can !” said the Professor, in an abrupt tone of com- 
mand. Pate’s eyes flew wide open. “You won’t do,” 
said the Professor, and he approached Simon Rump. 
“ Open your eyes ! open your eyes, sir, if you can,” — but 
Rump’s eyes were as tightly closed as if he had padlocks 
on the lids, and the Professor conducted him to the plat- 
form. Dove and Bliss were also unable to open their 
eyes, and were seated by the side of Simon Rump. 

“ This is a nice young lady,” said the Professor, 
addressing Dove and pointing to Rump. “ She is iu love 
with you and expects you to court her.” 


OR WAOS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


167 


Dove drew his chair close up to Rump and put his arm 
around his neck and kissed him. Rump looked modest 
and blushed deeply. 

“Will you allow that?” said the Professor. “The 
young lady is in love with you and he is kissing her.” 

Bliss seized Dove and commenced pulling him away. 
There was quite a struggle between them, when the Pro- 
fessor sternly cried out, — 

“ What are you doing there ? Quarreling over that 
ugl}’' black woman ?” 

Dove and Bliss started back with horror depicted in 
their countenances. To each of them Simon Rump had 
assumed the appearance of a hideous negress. 

“ Look out ! it is a snake ! it will bite you !” said the 
Professor, throwing down his cane. Rump, Dove, and 
Bliss ran around the platform with cries of terror “ It is a 
telescope ! Pick it up ! you can see the capitol at Washing- 
ton through it.” Rump put it to his eyes and beheld the 
national capitol. 

“Stand here,” said the Professor to Rump. “Now, 
whom would you like to see ? — the dead ?” 

“No, no!” exclaimed Rump. 

“ The absent ? 

“ Yes.” 

“ Whom ?” 

“ Susan,” said Rump. 

“ There she is !” said the Professor, pointing to a female 
form at the far end of the room. Rump uttered a cry of 
rapture, and, leaping from the platform, ran to the female, 
and threw his arms round her neck, and kissed her on 
both cheeks. 

“ Look at Simon Rump I” said the Widow Wild. “ The 
miserable dog 1 he is kissing my cook, who is as black as 
Beelzebub.” 

The cook screamed, and fought Simon Rump with her 
nails ; and another belligerent now appeared in his rear. 
This was Simon’s angel, who had beheld his conduct 
with intense indignation, and was now fiercely assaulting 
him with her parasol. Two of the cherubs also took 
part in the combat, and Rump was driven from the door 
into tlie street. The crowd followed, cheering the angel 


168 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


and the two cherubs. Kump was overpowered, and turn- 
ing his back, ignominiously fled, leaving the angel and 
cherubs in possession of the field. While men and 
women stood in the street in wild excitement, the Pro- 
fessor locked the door of the hall and proceeded to his 
lodgings. 


CHAPTER XXYIIL 

Like one who has committed a great crime, and knows 
that retributive justice is in close proximity to his heels, 
Simon Rump fled homeward, on foot, a miserable man. 
The blows and the hair-pulling, of which he was the re- 
cipient, had driven the delusion from his brain, and he 
was conscious of his guilt, and in trembling apprehension 
awaited his punishment. In the house, where he had 
spent so many hours in days gone by, contemplating the 
blissful period when it would be the abode of an angel 
and seven sweet little cherubs, he now sat and listened 
with a feeling of extreme terror for the sounds which 
would indicate the approach of the angel aforesaid. 

At length the clatter of horses’ hoofs was heard, and 
peeping through the window, poor Rump beheld the 
angel ride up with a female cherub on the pillion behind 
her. A male cherub was mounted on the other horse. 
As Rump saw them in the act of dismounting, the manly 
fortitude which he had endeavored to summon up in- 
stantly forsook him, and he seized his hat and fled with 
precipitation from the house through a back door. The 
wretched man ran with speed until he reached a wood on 
the outskirts of his farm, where he wandered for hours, 
like one who had been driven an outcast from association 
with his kind. Tired and sleepy, he at last ventured into 
his barn, and throwing himself on a bundle of hay, en- 
deavored to recruit his exhausted faculties in the arms of 
Morpheus. 

With the ruddy dawn of the day the consciousness of 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


169 


^his misery returned. Rump rubbed his eyes and looked 
.•around. At the distance of one hundred yards from 
where he sat on his bundle of hay he beheld his domicile, 
in which dwelt an angel and seven sweet little cherubs, 
who had become to him the beings he most dreaded to 
encounter. The hour for breakfast at length arrived, and 
he knew that hot coffee and buttered cakes were on the 
old mahogany table, and he was a miserable wretch ban- 
ished from his own board. Hunger at length drove him 
forth, and with timidity he approached his house, ascended 
the steps, and atteiwpted to open the door. It was bolted. 
Rump rapped. 

“ Who is there ?” asked the angel, in shrill and abrupt 
tones. 

“ It is I,” said Simon. 

“Who is I asked the mother of the cherubs. 

“ Simon Rump,” said the lord of the mansion. 

“ Simon Rump is dead. I planted a rose over that 
good man’s grave more than a year ago. What do you 
want ?” 


“ I am hungry ; I want my breakfast,” said Simon. 

- “ Go around to the kitchen and eat with the cook,” said 

; the angel. 

if Simon Rump now knew that the angel was inexorable, 
^ and that henceforth he wms a stranger at his own door. 
5, He walked away with a sad heart and obtained a break- 
fast at a neighbor’s house. This benevolent individual 
i endeavored to comfort the poor exile, and offered him an 
< asylum until the wrath of the angel should be appeased. 
In his new abode Simon remained during the day, and at 
night he would wander around his own house, which he 
was now forbidden to enter. 

One night, as he was wandering on the boundary be- 
tween his farm and the estate of the Widow Wild, he 
heard a commotion among a herd of swine. Rump had 
recently lost several porkers, and was confident that some 
one was now in the act of stealing a hog. He followed 
in the direction of the sound, and in the moonlight beheld 
a negro dragging, by its legs, a large animal of the por- 
cine species to the door of his cabin. The African here 
threw his squealing victim on its back, and instantly 

15 



110 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


plunged a large knife into its throat. Rump rushed forward, 
and seizing the assassin by the collar, commenced severely 
belaboring him with a stout hickory, at the same time iu- 
dignantlv denouncing him in terms of vituperation. The 
negro was astounded at this sudden assault on his person, 
and bounding about with extraordinary agility, loudly ex- 
claimed, — 

“ Take care, Massa Rump ! take care, or you will hurt 
yourself!’’ 

But Rump, regardless of this advice, continued his 
vigorous exercise until he had broken his hickory, when 
be exclaimed, — 

“ Who are you ?” 

• “ I am Sam.” 

“ You are the infernal thief who was whipped for steal- 
ing the hen and eg, us 1 Whose hog is that?” 

“ It belongs to the Widow Wild.” 

“I thought it was mine,” said Rump. “But, no 
matter, you have got to go to jail. Come along!” 

This predatory African was incarcerated in the jail of 
the county, and being unacquainted with any lawyer ex- 
cept the eloquent advocate who had once so ably defended 
him in the court of Justice Johnson and obtained for him 
a new trial in spite of the efforts of Fiddler to prevent it, 
he sent for M. T. Pate, and employed him in his defense 
against this charge of felony. 

Here, then, was an opportunity for the aspiring advo- 
cate to distinguisli himself. 

The eulogy pronounced by the learned phrenologist on 
his intellectual developments had awakened ambitious 
hopes in his bosom, and Pate determined to prepare in 
the most elaborate manner for the defense of his sable 
client, and was confident of redeeming his reputation, 
which had been so badly damaged in his encounter with 
Toney Belton. It was exceedingly fortunate for him that 
the trial could not take place until a week subsequent to the 
time when he was employed as counsel. Unlike some other 
able advocates, he liad none of that superficial but con- 
venient talent which enables its possessors to make some 
of their best efforts almost impromptu. Like the bird of 
wisdom, he meditated much before he opened his mouth. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. I71 

and seldom ventured upon any public effort without having 
previously thrown his thoughts into the shape of a writteu 
composition, which was carefully committed to memory, 
to be used on the proper occasion. Had there not been 
an opportunity for preparation during a whole week, that 
portion of his speech in defense of Sam, which he suc- 
ceeded in producing from the archives of his memory, 
would, without doubt, have been far less remarkable for 
its beauty and eloquence. 

Demosthenes would never have been the foremost man 
in the Athenian forum if he had not labored assiduously 
to correct his imperfections by going daily to the sea- 
shore, with his vocal organ well ballasted with pebbles, 
and delivering his orations with the winds howling 
around him and the waves roaring at his feet. In imita- 
tion of so illustrious an example, M. T. Pate, having com- 
posed an elaborate speech in defense of the incarcerated 
African, daily resorted to some secluded spot, and gave 
utterance to his eloquence with the birds twittering their 
delight, and the frogs croaking their hoarse notes of ap- 
probation. 

On a certain afternoon Toney and Tom were walking 
in the direction of the Widow Wild’s mansion, engaged 
in earnest conversation. 

“ But,” said Toney, “ Ida is entirely dependent on her 
eccentric uncle, and you have but little property.” 

“ Ida is willing to wait until I have acquired suffi- 
cient ” 

“ To buy a cottage big enough to hold an angel and 
seven sweet little cherubs ?” said Toney. “ But a cottage 
is not all. Angels must eat, and cherubs must have bread 
and butter, and it takes money to obtain a constant supply 
of such articles. Love cannot live on earth without the 
aid of the butcher and baker.” 

“ I will go to work at my profession and make money,” 
said Tom. 

“That you can do,” said Toney ; “but it takes time.” 

“ Ida is willing to wait for ten years,” said Tom. “ I 
wish somebody would tell me where there is a gold 
mine.” 

“ What would you do ?” asked Toney. 


112 


TEE FUNNY PUILOSOPEERS, 


“ I would dig sixteen hours in each day until I had a 
hundred thousand dollars,” said Tom. 

“ And so would I,” said Toney ; “ for I want exactly 
one hundred thousand dollars.” 

“ I wonder if there is not gold in our newly-acquired 
territory on the Pacific coast ?” said Tom. 

“ Would you go there?” asked Toney. 

“ Yes,” said Tom, “ and stay for five years, if necessary, 
to get enough gold to buy a home ” 

“ For Ida and the cherubs ?” said Toney. 

“ What noise is that in the wood ?” exclaimed Tom. 

“ Two drunken men quarreling over an empty bottle,” 
said Toney. 

They now entered the wood and proceeded in the di- 
rection of the noise. 

“ Stop !” said Tom. “ Look yonder !” 

Toney looked in the direction indicated, and beheld the 
robust form of M. T. Pate perched upon a stump, his arms 
and legs in violent motion, and words rolling from his 
lips with amazing volubility. 

“What is he doing?” said Tom. “Has he gone 
mad ?” 

“ Yo ; he is practicing oratory; it is a rehearsal,” said 
Toney. 

“ Idow would he look if we were to go up and speak to 
him ?” said Tom. 

“ Like an unfortunate dog taken in the act of assassi- 
nating a sheep,” said Toney. “ Don’t let him see us. 
Listen ! What’s that he is saying ?” 

“ Something about the Widow Wild,” said Tom. 
“ Hear that ! He says she has a heart of flint.” 

“ Calls her a harpy,” said Toney. 

“It’s well for him the widow does not hear him,” said 
Tom. “What’s it all about ?” 

“Pate’s client has stolen the widow’s hog, and the 
lawyer is getting ready to abuse the owner of the prop- 
erty. Harkl What’s that ?” 

There was a noise in the bushes, and two men sprang 
out with clubs in their hands, and ran towards Pate, 
loudly shouting, — 

“ Here he is I Catch him ! catch him I” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


173 


Pate looked around, and then leaped from the stump 
and fled through the wood with the speed of a frightened 
antelope. 

“ Stop ! stop 1 Halt! halt !” cried Toney and Tom. 

The men halted, and coming towards them, were recog- 
nized as two laborers employed on the Widow Wild’s 
estate. 

“ What were you going to do ?” asked Toney. 

“ Give that fellow a good beating,” said one of the men. 

“ What has he .been doing?” inquired Tom. 

“ He comes here every day and gets on that stump, 
and abuses the Widow Wild, who is as nice a woman as 
a man ever worked for, and we won’t stand it I So we 
cut these clubs and lay in the bushes for him ?” 

“You had better let him alone,” said Toney. “ He is 
a lawyer.” 

“Let him come here again !” said one of the men, 

“ Even if he was a priest !” said the other. 

“What would you do?” asked Toney, 

“ Break every bone in his body I” said the man, bran- 
dishing his club. And with this emphatic declaration of 
their intentions, the men returned to their work, while 
Toney and Tom proceeded on their way to the residence 
of the Widow Wild. 


CHAPTER XXIX, 

The frequent delivery of his elaborate speech, before 
an audience of feathered bipeds and amphibious quadru- 
peds, had fully prepared M. T. Pate for the day of trial. 
On the morning of that eventful day he was seen seated 
in court with a grave aspect, which indicated that he 
sensibly felt the weight of the tremendous responsibility 
which rested upon him. 

The prisoner was put in the dock, when the Common- 
wealth’s attorney and Mr. Pate announced themselves 
ready for trial, and were each furnished with a list of the 
15 * 


IH tee funny peilosophers, 

jurors in attendance. The offense charged in the indict- 
ment being felony, the prisoner was entitled to twenty 
peremptory challenges. In exercising this important 
privilege, Mr. Pate displayed his great knowledge of 
human nature acquired by a thorough study of phre- 
nology. He scrutinized closely the head of each juror as 
he was called to the book, and when the organ of benev- 
olence appeared to be diminutive, he cried out, with a 
loud voice, “ Challenge I” But if that merciful organ was 
largely developed, he eagerly exclaimed, “Swear him! 
swear him putting a strong emphasis on the word 
“ himP 

A jury having been impaneled, after a brief statement 
of the case by the Commonwealth’s attorney, the Widow 
Wild was put upon the stand and proved property as 
alleged in the indictment. Pate put her under a cross- 
examination, and asked, — 

“ Madam, what was the sex or gender of your hog 

The widow hesitated and looked at the judge, who told 
her to answer the question. 

“ It was a gentleman hog,” said she. 

“ How do you know it was a gentleman hog ?” asked 
Pate. 

“ I know it just as well as I know that you are not a 
gentleman hog,” said the widow, tartly. 

“You may take your seat,” said the lawyer. 

“ Thank you, sir,” said the widow. And with a toss of 
her head, and a fiery look of indignation at the attorney, 
she glided to a seat in the corner of the room, where she 
announced to the Professor her intention to repay Pate 
for his impudence. 

Simon Rump was now sworn, and testified to the facts 
already stated in the preceding chapter, and which ap- 
peared to be conclusive proof of the guilt of the accused. 
But Pate was not discouraged. He put Rump under a 
rigorous cross-examination, and asked him if he was not 
subjected to psychological illusions. The opposite counsel 
interposed an objection to this question, and the court in- 
quired of Mr. Pate his object in asking it. 

“ May it please your Honor,” said Pate, “ I expect to 
show that this man Rump is one of those unfortunate 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


175 


individuals who are continually subjected to psycholog’ical 
illusions. This class are quite numerous, and not lori<»* 
ago I heard one of them say that he had seen a heavy 
piano get up of its own accord and dance on nothing, 
half-way between the ceiling and the floor, all the while 
playing a tune, and keeping time with its feet to its own 
music. 

“ Another man told me that he had seen a certain doctor 
walk on the air, and pass out at one window in the third 
story of a house and come in at the other. And it is 
said that this Simon Rump alleges that he once saw a 
white ghost, in a clump of willows, in the rear of his 
harm Now, learned men inform us that these objects 
have no real existence, but are simply projections from 
the disordered brain of the person who imagines that he 
sees them. May it please your Honor, it is not at all 
unlikely that Sam and the hog were nothing more than 
projections from the disordered brain of Simon Rump. 
If a man’s brain can project a heavy piano and cause it to 
dance a jig on the air, could not Rump’s brain project a 
big negro with a whole hog on his shoulder?” 

In anticipation of this testimony, Pate had carefully 
prepared his argument at home and had committed it to 
memory. 

He now succeeded in carrying his point, the court de* 
ciding that, upon general principles, there was nothing to 
preclude the prisoner’s counsel from proving, if he could 
so do, that Rump’s brain was in such a disordered condi- 
tion as to render his testimony unreliable. So the ques- 
tion was put to Rump, who said that he had walked at 
all hours of the night, and had never seen a psychologi- 
cal illusion ; that he had never “ heard tell of them” be- 
fore, and did not know what they were. After much 
badgering, however, he admitted that he had seen some- 
thing behind his barn, which, to the best of his knowledge 
and belief, was a ghost. Having been worried until he 
had made this admission, poor Rump was finally dis- 
missed from the stand. 

The testimony of the State was here closed. 

The court now inquired of Mr. Pate if he had any 
witnesses to examine on the part of the defense. 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOrilERS, 




“ Yes, may it please your Honor,” was the reply, “ we 
have one very important witness. Call Professor Joseph 
Boneskull.” 

Thereupon the crier called, in a loud voice, “ Professor 
Joseph Boneskull ! Professor Joseph Boneskull !” 

Immediately a bald-headed little man, about five feet 
two inches in stature, walked up to the witness-stand, 
carrying in his hand a phrenological plaster cast of a 
human head. All eyes opened in amazement and looked 
with wonder, first at the head on the little man’s shoul- 
ders, and then at the head in his hand. 

This strange witness, who seemed to come on the stand 
under the impression that two heads were better than 
one, was sworn by the clerk in the usual form, when Mr. 
Pate asked, — 

“ What is your profession, trade, occupation, or calling 

“ My profession,” said the witness, “ is one of which 
all sensible men might be proud. I am a phrenologist. 
I tell the diversified mental and moral characteristics of 
men, women, and children, whether they be white or 
whether they be black, by a manipulatory examination of 
the superficial, distinctive developments of their respective 
craniums, vulgarly denominated skulls.” 

“ Have you, or have you not, made, very recently, a 
critical examination of the cranium of the prisoner at 
the bar?” 

I answer, most unequivocally, I have.” 

“ Can you inform the jury what are^the respective de- 
velopments of the prisoner’s organs of alimentiveness, 
acquisitiveness, and conscientiousness ?” 

Here the opposite counsel rose and objected to the 
question ; saying that the introduction of suclr testimony 
was wholly unwarranted by any of the established rules 
of evidence. 

After an argument of some length, the court decided 
that the testimony in relation to the phrenological devel- 
opments of Sam was inadmissible. Thereupon Profes- 
sor Boneskull retired from the stand, carrying both heads 
with him as he went. 

“ Mr. Pate, have you any further testimony to offer ?” 
inquired the court. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 

“ None whatever,” was the mournful response. 

“ Then, gentlemen, go before the jury,” said the judge. 

The remarks of the Commonwealth’s attorney, which 
were very brief, are not remembered ; but a portion 
of Mr. Pate’s great argument has been retained in the 
m^emory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke 
as follows : 

“ May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury, — 
No advocate ever rose to address a Christian jury under 
so many and such ^tremendous disadvantages as now 
encompass me and my unfortunate but innocent and vir- 
tuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused 
of stealing the Widow Wild’s hog ; and that ruthless 
woman is here to-day with a heart of flint in her bosom, 
and with all the influence which the wealth she has 
grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice 
enables her to exert, — she is- here to-day not to prosecute, 
but to persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this 
poor, unfriended, innocent, and unoffending African. 

“ There is another disadvantage under which my client 
labors. In the language of a great Roman poet, hie est 
niger, and while men of the Caucasian race are tried by 
their peers, that sacred right is withheld from Sam, 
simply because he is an African, although it is possible, 
and even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as 
one of the descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuqtoo. 
Has not Sam the right to be tried by his peers ? and who 
in that jury-box can be considerd as the peer of Sam ? 

“ Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous 
peril which now environs my client ; and 1 know that my 
zeal in behalf of this unhappy criminal has made me many 
enemies ; but, in the eloquent language of that venerable 
patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of Inde- 
pendence, old John Adams, ‘ Sink or swim, live or die, 
survive or perish,’ I give my heart and my voice in de- 
fense of Sam. , 

“ Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he 
stood before Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been 
indicted for the murder of the unprincipled Clodius? 
Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave public 
prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman, 


178 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


who had murdered six or seven white men and women 
in a single night ? And shall I hesitate to risk my popu- 
larity by defending this innocent African who has stolen 
the Widow Wild’s hog ? 

“ Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue 
cleave to the roof of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift 
my voice to advocate the cause of my innocent and calum- 
niated client. 

“ Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest 
lawyers in America, and did he not say, in his celebrated 
speech in defense of Aaron Burr, that ‘ the law presumes 
every man to be innocent until he is proved to be guilty V 
And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they 
expect you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump ? Who 
is Simon Rump ? A miserable and deluded man, who 
sees a thousand things which never had any existence ex- 
cept in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that 
stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion. 

“ Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made 
that statement under oath, and I observed his lip quiver 
and his cheek turn pale, for Simon Rump knew that he 
was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not 
on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake ? 
and afterwards use it as a telescope, and said that he be- 
held the capitol at Washington ? Did he not publicly 
kiss the Widow Wild’s black cook on both cheeks, believing 
her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian complexion ? 
Why, gentlemen. Rump’s disordered brain is a perfect 
machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illu- 
sions, which are projected as he walks abroad during the 
day, or sits in the chimney corner smoking his pipe in the 
evening. The brain of this unhappy man projected a 
hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear 
of his barn ; and could it not just as easily have projected 
a hog? Why, gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon 
Rump is capable of projecting an elephant or a rhinoceros 1 
And could it not, then, have projected the pitiful porker 
which he alleges he saw in the possession Sam ? 

“ Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either 
Sam or the hog on the occasion referred to in his testi- 
mony ; he only saw a phantom created by his diseased 


OR WAOS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


119 


mental organization ; and when this miserable man re- 
produces the illusive images projected from his disordered 
cranium, for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate 
client, each one of you should exclaim, in the language of 
the immortal William Shakspeare : 

* Hence, horrible shadow ! 

^ Unreal mockery, hence !’ 

“ Gentlemen of the jury, had this honorable court per- 
mitted me to examine the learned Professor Boneskull, I 
could have easily proved by him that the guilt of Sam is 
a natural impossibility. This was the very Gibraltar of 
our defense, and it has been partially demolished by the 
court. But, gentlemen, although you have not the testi- 
mony of Professor Boneskull before you, the prisoner 
himself is seated in full view, and you can certainly rely 
upon the evidence of your own senses, which, according 
to Greenleaf, affords the strongest kind of proof. I en- 
treat you to look upon the goodly countenance of my 
client and to scrutinize closely his phrenological develop- 
ments. The organ of alimentiveness is remarkably di- 
minutive. Is it not, then, a natural impossibility that Sam 
should have so enormous an appetite that he would seek 
to devour a whole hog? His organ of acquisitiveness is 
still smaller, and he could not covet nor desire another 
man’s property; while his immense development of con- 
scientiousness renders it impossible for him to steal. 

“ Gentlemen, the bumps clearly demonstrate that the 
guilt of the prisoner is a natural impossibility. Nature her- 
self cries aloud that he is innocent. Sam — Sam — I say-^ 
Sara !” Here Mr. Pate commenced pulling vigorously 
at the drawer in the table before him, while Sam, who was 
dozing in the prisoners’ dock, suddenly started up and ex- 
claimed, in a loud voice, “ Sir !” — at which the baliffs 
called out, “Silence! Silence I” and the judge rapped 
with his gavel. 

Bad luck had been watching the eloquent advocate 
from the moment he commenced his argument, and the 
ugly demon now pounced upon him as he stood, in antici- 
pation of his triumph, on the ramparts of his Gibraltar, 
His oration had been written on half-sheets of paper, 


180 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOrilERS, 


which, with* two law-books, he had put in a drawer of 
the table, intending to take out a few sheets at a time in 
the order in which he might want to use them. When 
the speaker had concluded the last sentence as above, he 
put his hand to the drawer to get the next sheet of man- 
uscript for the purpose of refreshing his memory ; but 
how great was hiS horror on finding the drawer closed in 
such manner that he could not open it I By some awk- 
ward arrangement of the books one of them had opened, 
and was acting as a lock to prevent the drawer from being 
pulled out. 

Mr. Pate pulled vigorously at the drawer, but in vain ; 
at the same time repeating, in hysterical tones, the words, 
“Gentlemen of the jury,” — “Gentlemen of the jury.” 
He was then heard to exclaim, in a sort of soliloquy, 
“ Gracious heavens ! Sam will be sent to the penitentiary 
unless I can get that drawer open !” Here he gave 
another tremendous tug at the drawer, and saying, 
“ Gentlemen of the jury,” — “ Gentlemen of the jury,” — 
“ A natural impossibility !” sank back in his seat with his 
face bathed in a profuse perspiration. 

The attention of the jury and spectators was attracted 
by the strange conduct of the speaker, and a general peal 
of laughter broke forth as soon as they perceived his 
awkward dilemma. These demonstrations of mirth, which 
the court could not wholly repress, so increased the agi- 
tation of poor Pate, that he sprang up and rushed from 
the court-room like a man on a wild hunt after his wits. 

“ He has suddenly seen a psychological illusion,” said 
a pitiless limb of the law in a loud whisper. 

“ No,” said Toney Belton, “he has gone for a lock- 
smith to open the drawer, and will soon return and con- 
clude his argument.” 

But the eloquent advocate never came back to conclude 
his powerful appeal in behalf of Sam, who was convicted 
by the jury and sentenced by the court to confinement in 
the penitentiary for the term of two years and six months. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


181 


CHAPTER XXX. 

“ There are persons so peculiarly constituted as to 
suppose that all the inhabitants of the terrestrial globe 
have their minds occupied with thoughts of them,” said 
Toney to the Professor. 

“ And that all the people of the planets are peeping 
through telescopes and making critical observations on 
their actions,” said the Professor. 

“ The unfortunate M. T. Pate must have been in some 
such mental condition after his lamentable break down in 
court.” 

“ What has become of him? I have not seen him for 
a whole month.” 

“ During several weeks he remained in seclusion, and 
manufactured.an immense amount of melancholy for home 
consumption. His stock being finally exhausted he came 
forth into the world again.” 

“ To discover that the world was occupied with its 
own affairs and thinking very little about him ?” 

“ Yes ; some were engaged in making money ; some 
in making mischief ” 

“ And Tom Seddon in making love with indefatigable 
industry ” 

“ While the earth revolved on her axis as if nothing 
extraordinary had ever occurred in the court-room.” 

“What is Pate now doing?” 

“ He has become a collecting lawyer.” 

“ What is that ?” 

“ An attorney who, for a moderate commission, rides 
over the country collecting money for his clients.” 

“ A dun ? Why, yonder comes Pate now on his old 
white horse I” 

“ Good-morning, Mr. Pate,” said Toney, as the lawyer 
rode up. 

“ Are you riding far to-day ?” 

“ Only to the Widow Wild’s residence. I have a claim 
16 


182 


THE FUNNY PHrLOSOPHERS, 


to collect for Mr. Clement. Good-morning, gentlemen.’^ 
And Pate rode on. 

“ Did be say he was going to the Widow Wild’s resi- 
dence ?” asked the Professor. 

“ Yes; to dun her for a debt.” 

‘'If my identity was merged in that of M. T. Pate, I 
would be afraid to venture within a hundred yards of the 
widow’s house.” 

“Why?” 

“ I sat by her side in the court-room, and heard her 
declaration of war against M. T. Pate.” 

“ He denounced her terribly in his speech to the jury.” 

“ And she denounced him terribly in her speech to me.” 

“ I wish Tom Seddon was here ; we might send him to 
witness the interview between the widow and M. T. Pate.” 

“ His absence is to be deplored. Ida has done the sect 
of Funny Philosophers great injury by carrying off one 
of its most efficient members, who is so much needed in 
this emergency. But when that young lady returned to 
Bella Vista she took Mr. Seddon’s heart with her ; and, 
of course, it was not to be expected that he should exist 
in one locality, and that important organ, which is sup- 
posed to be the seat of vitality, in another.” 

The Professor here proceeded to animadvert on the 
conduct of young ladies in appropriating other people’s 
hearts, and was making sundry remarks on the subject, 
when he was interrupted by Toney, who exclaimed, — 

“ Why, 3^onder comes Clement and his clerk from the 
direction of the Widow Wild’s house ! Good-morning, Mr. 
Clement. Have you seen Mr. Pate ?” 

“ 1 saw him ride up the avenue leading to Mrs. Wild’s 
house, and dismount,” said Clement. 

“ I saw him pull the bell at the front door,” said the 
clerk. 

“Was the door opened to him ?” asked the Professor. 

“ It was opened by the widow herself, who, with a 
smiling countenance and an extended hand, seemed to 
bid him welcome,” said the clerk. 

That is strange !” said the Professor. 

“Not so strange as it may seem,” said the clerk ; “for, 
though Pate is sometimes bad-mannered among men, he 


OR WAGS A^D SWEETHEARTS. 


183 


will purr as softly as a pussy cat as soon as be comes in 
proximity to a petticoat. It is just as likely as not that 
the widow has taken a fancy to him.” 

“ Women are enigmas,” said Toney. 

“ The Widow Wild certainly is,” said the Professor. 
“ She would puzzle the brain of an GEdipus.” 

The deadly hostility of the widow to M. T. Pate was 
well known to the people of Mapleton, and a crowd col- 
lected around Clement; and, in a prolonged discussion, 
endeavored to solve what now appeared to be a mystery. 

She was glad to see him !” said one. 

“ Shook hands with him !” said another. 

“ Invited him ini” said a third. 

“ But why does he stay so long ?” said Clement. 

During the day this question was often repeated by the 
gossips, who assembled in groups, with their gaze fixed 
on the road leading from the widow’s mansion to the town. 

Suddeidy a horse and rider are seen approaching from 
that direction at a furious speed. As they come nearer, 
the man seems to be without a hat, and with a heavy 
suit of black hair, and huge black whiskers. The steed 
is spotted like a leopard. The people behold the strange 
horse and rider with amazement as they enter the town 
with the speed of Tam O’Sbanter. At this moment a 
shout goes up from the crowd. 

“ Stop ! stop ! stop !” cried a number of voices. 

But, Mazeppa-like, the mysterious apparition dashes 
through the town; and while men, women, and children 
are gazing in gaping wonderment, the bare-headed rider 
and spotted steed disappear beyond a distant hill. 

“ Who do you think it was ?” said a group of astonished 
people to the Professor. 

The Professor shook his head and was silent. 

“ What is your opinion, Mr. Clement?” asked a man in 
the crowd. 

Clement was puzzled, and said nothing. 

‘‘Who was that hatless and hugely-whiskered rider?” 
said Toney to the Professor. 

“It is a mystery yet to be solved,’’ said the Professor, 
as he took Toney’s arm and walked with him to the lat- 
ter’s office. 


184 


THE FUNEY PHILOSOFIIERS, 


CHAPTER XXXI. 

“ What may be the subject of your meditations V'- said 
Toney to the Professor on the following morning, as he 
dodged aside to avoid coming in collision with the I'atter, 
who was walking with his gaze apparently fixed on the 
toes of his boots. 

“ I beg pardon 1” said the Professor, with a look of sur- 
prise. “ 1 had no intention of converting myself into a 
battering-ram. I am in no belligerent mood, I assure 
you. To tell the truth, Toney, I am very sad.” 

“ What may be the cause of your melancholy 

“ Disappointment in my fondest wishes.” 

“ In love ?” 

“ No, not in love. I was once disappointed in love, and 
I know what that is. It is a sore trial, but nothing to 
the affliction which I now endure.” 

‘‘I cannot imagine the nature of your trouble. From 
what does it proceed ?” 

“ Breach of promise.” 

“What?” 

“ Breach of promise unadvisedly made to five respecta- 
ble maiden ladies.” 

“ To all five ? Why, you must be a Turk !” 

“ What am I to do ?” said the Professor, with a look 
of despondency. “ I cannot fulfill my promise.” 

“ I should think not, unless you emigrate to Salt 
Lake.” 

“ I wish Tom Seddon were here. He could assist me.” 

“Do you suppose he would abandon Ida?” 

“ Toney, my dear fellow, you can help me.” 

“ By taking one of the respectable maiden ladies off 
your hands ? I beg to be excused. There is but one 
woman in the world I would marry, and that I would do 
quickly enough if I had a hundred thousand dollars.” 

“ I was not speaking of marriage.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


185 


“ Did you not say that you had promised five respecta- 
ble maiden ladies?” 

“ Not to conduct them to the altar.” 

“ What, then ?” 

“ To unravel the great mystery which is now agitating 
the minds of the entire population of this town, and more 
especially of the female portion.” 

“ What is that ?” 

“ Who was the bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse ? 
Toney, can you tell ? If I do not discover this secret, what 
will become of me when I return to my boarding-house 
where the five respectable maiden ladies are waiting to 
receive the information, which I have solemnly promised 
to obtain and impart ? Toney, do you know who was 
the man on the Woolly Horse ?” 

“ I do not,” 

“ Have you been to the Widow Wild’s house since the 
apparition dashed through the street on yesterday ?” 

“ I was at the widow’s house last night.” 

“ What did you discover ?” 

‘‘ Nothing ?” 

“ Did you allude to M. T. Pate ?” 

“I did.” 

“ What did the widow say ?” 

“ She said he was a very smart lawyer, and then 
changed the topic of conversation.” 

“ That woman is a mystery I cannot solve. She will 
drive me mad I But what did Rosabel say when Pate’s 
name was mentioned ?” 

“ She and her cousin, the widow’s niece, tittered.” 

“ Well ?” 

“ The widow sharply rebuked them for their levity.” 

“ What then ?” 

“The young ladies attempted to smother themselves.” 

“ How ?” 

“ By holding their handkerchiefs to their mouths.” 

“ Did they succeed ?” 

“ They did not. The attempt was a failure. There 
were explosions of laughter, and the young ladies jumped 
up and ran from the room. I saw them no more that night, 

but I heard from an adjoining room loud shrieks ” 

16 * 


186 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ What ! shrieks ? Nothing serious, I hope 

“ Shrieks of laughter.” 

“ And you have discovered nothing ?” 

“ Nothing.” 

“ Toney, what am I to do ? T cannot return to my 
boarding-house, and look those five respectable maiden 
ladies in their faces, and say I know nothing.” 

“ Have you seen Mrs. Foot?” 

“No.” 

“ Let us go to her house.” 

“ Why should we go there ?” 

“It is the headquarters of all the female gossips in the 
town.” 

“ Then we will go. It is the place for information. Who 
is Mrs. Foot?” 

“ The mother of the three tall young ladies whom you 
have seen escorted by Love, Dove, and Bliss.” 

“ The giraffes in petticoats ? What are their names ?” 

“Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba.” 

“ They are very tall women with very long names. 
Which of them was carrying little Love hooked to her 
arm ?” 

“ That was Cleopatra.” 

“ And the one who was looking down so benignly on 
Dove ?” 

“ Theodosia.” 

“And Sophonisba had secured Bliss. Toney, I seldom 
vaticinate, but I now predict that those three little men 
will marry those three stupendous sisters.” 

“ That would be against the rules of the IVEystic Order 
of Seven Sweethearts, of which order Love, Dove, and 
Bliss are active and useful members.” 

“ When a very little man,” said the Professor, not 
heeding Toney’s last observation, “ comes in daily con- 
tact with a woman of gigantic proportions, a marriage is 
inevitable.” 

“ How do you account for such a phenomenon ?V 

“ Upon very obvious principles. A little man like 
Bliss, promenading with a giantess like Sophonisba, looks 
up to her when he speaks, and his numerous soft and 
tender expressions ascend like prayers addressed to some 


OR WAOS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


18 Y 


superior being above him. Sophonisba looks down and be- 
holds poor little Bliss walking by her side like a mother- 
less lamb needing protection. A feeling of pity takes 
possession of her bosom, and pity is nearly akin to love.” 

“ The big woman first pities the little man, and then 
loves him ?” 

“ That is just it. Did you ever see a very large woman 
married to a man of similar proportions 

“ Indeed, I have. Mrs. Foot is as tall as Sophonisba, 
and much more robust. Her husband, Gideon Foot, looks 
like Winfield Scott ; while her son, who is called Hercules, 
stands six feet seven in his stockings.” 

“ A race of giants I descended, perhaps, in a direct line 
from Ogg, the King of Bashan ” 

“ Here is the house, and we have arrived at about the 
right time in the afternoon. The gossips usually assem- 
ble at this hour.” 

“Why, this is the very place where we discovered 
Love, Dove, and Bliss, one night, singing so sweetly.” 

“ They come here and warble nearly every night under 
the windows.” 

“ Serenading the giantesses, I suppose ?” 

“ Yes ; serenading the young ladies, — the Feet.” 

“ Toney, is that correct ?” 

“ What ?” 

“ The Feet.” 

“ Do you not say the Browns and the Smiths ?” 

“ Certainly.” 

“ What is the plural of Foot ?” 

“ Feet.” 

“ Of course. You would not have me say Foots ?” 

“ It is a question of philology which I am unable to 
determine.” 

“ Let us go in,” said Toney. 

He pulled the bell, and a servant appeared, and ushered 
them into a parlor, where sat Mrs. Foot with her three 
daughters, and three female friends. The Professor was 
introduced by Toney to the lady of the house, and then 
to Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba; after which 
ceremony, the two gentlemen were introduced by Mrs. 
Foot to Mrs. Cross, Mrs. Hobbs, and Mrs. Smart. 


188 


THE FUNNY PEILOiSOPUERS, 


“ Oh, Mr. Belton,” said the gigantic mother of the three 
stupendous sisters, “ I am so glad you have come I Have 
you heard anything ?” 

“In respect to what?” asked Toney. 

“ The Woolly Horse !” said Mrs. Foot. 

“The Woolly Horse!” exclaimed Mrs. Cross. 

The Woolly Horse I” cried Mrs. Hobbs. 

“Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?” eagerly 
inquired Mrs. Smart. 

The young ladies said nothing; but half a dozen blue 
eyes belonging to the young ladies aforesaid were in- 
tently fixed on Toney, in expectation of his answer. Toney 
was silent. Mrs. Foot arose from her chair and came 
close to him. Her three female friends made a similar 
movement, and Toney was surrounded. 

“ Have you heard anything ?” reiterated Mrs. Foot. 

“Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?” screamed 
Mrs. Smart. 

“ Indeed, madam, that is just what I would like to 
know,” said Toney. 

The expression of eager expectation on the countenance 
of each lady was instantly changed to one of sad disap- 
pointment. 

“ He don’t know,” sighed Mrs, Foot. 

“ He don’t know,” said Mrs. Cross, with a profound 
suspiration. 

“ It is too bad I” exclaimed Mrs. Hobbs. 

“ That nobody should know who was the man on the 
Woolly Horse!” said Mrs Smart, in extreme vexation. 

“ My friend Mr Tickle may know,” said Toney, with 
a mischievous twinkle of his eye, as he directed their at- 
tention to the Professor, who was instantly surrounded. 

“ Who was it, Mr. Tickle ?” said Mrs. Foot. 

“Who was it?” exclaimed Mrs. Cross. 

“ Oh, dear ! who was it?” cried Mrs. Hobbs. 

“ Mr. Tickle, who was the man on the Woolly Horse ?” 
screamed Mrs. Smart. 

“ Ladies,” said the Professor, with profound gravity, 
“it may have been an Osage Indian carrying a Woolly 
Horse, which he had captured in the Rocky Mountains, 
to Barnum.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


189 


“It was an Osage Indian on the Woolly Horse 
screamed Mrs. Smart. 

“No, it wasn’t an Osage Indian,” said Mrs. Tongue, 
who had entered the room unobserved. 

She was instantly surrounded. 

“ Who was it? Who was it ?” was asked and reiterated. 

“ Wait until I get my breath,” said Mrs. Tongue, 
sinking into a chair. “ Bless me ! I have walked so 
fast !” 

“ Who was it? Who was it? Who was it?” came 
with reiterations from several female voices while the 
lady was employed in getting her breath. 

“ Will you all promise not to say a word about it?” 
said Mrs. Tongue. 

“ Yes — yes ! — not a word — not a syllable I — we will not 
breathe it I” was instantly and unanimously promised by 
the female portion of Mrs. Tongue’s audience. 

“ You know the Widow Wild’s cook ?”said Mrs. Tongue. 

“Yes,” said Mrs. Foot. 

“ The black woman whom Simon Rump kissed I” 
screamed Mrs. Smart. ^ 

“The miserable dog!” cried Mrs. Cross. 

“ The cook,” said Mrs. Tongue, “ was at my house 
about half an hour ago, and told me ” 

“ What ? What ? What ? What ?” exclaimed four 
female voices simultaneously. 

“ That Mr. Pate rode up to the Widow Wild’s house, 
on yesterday morning, and, dismounting, pulled the bell 
at the front door. The widow opened the door herself, 
and received Mr. Pate with much cordiality. Having 
invited him in, she introduced him to her daughter and 
niece ; and he and the three ladies soon got to be so socia- 
ble that they sat down to a game of whist. Time passed 
pleasantly and rapidly until dinner was announced. After 
dinner the widow proposed a game of blind-man’s-buff ; 
and the three ladies and Pate began the game with much 
merriment. It came to the. lawyer’s turn to be blinded ; 
and, as soon as the handkerchief was over his eyes, the 
widow rang a bell and her two big negro men, Juba and 
Jugurlha, rushed into the room and caught Pate, and 
Juba held him while Jugurtha smeared tar over his head 


190 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


and face. The widow then took a basket of black wool, 
and stuck the wool all over his head, and put some- big 
bunches on his cheeks, so as to look like very large 
whiskers. The lawyer cried like a child and begged for 
mercy ; but the widow laughed immoderately while she 
was decorating him with the wool. When released, the 
lawyer fled to the door, and there stood his horse in 
much the same condition as himself. He mounted and 
rode wildly away ; the widow calling after him, “ Mr. 
Pate ! Mr. Pate ! be sure to come back and get your 
money to-morrow !” 

“ Hid you ever hear the like ?” said Mrs. Foot. 

“Never!” exclaimed Mrs. Cross. 

“No; never!” cried Mrs. Hobbs. 

“And so Mr. Pate was the man on the Woolly Horse !” 
screamed Mrs. Smart. 

“ Hush !” exclaimed Cleopatra, who was sitting at a 
window. “Here is Mr. Love.” 

“ Hush !” said Theodosia. “ Here is Mr. Hove. 

“Hush !” said Sophonisba. “ Here is Mr. Bliss.” 

“ They are Mr. Pate’s particular friends,” said Mrs. 
Foot. “ It will not do to say anything about him before 
them, — it might hurt their feelings. Let us talk about 
something else.” 

The three little men now entered the room, and Toney 
and the Professor arose, and, bowing to the ladies, with- 
drew. They walked together until they reached Toney’s 
office, when the Professor said, “ Well, Toney, I can now 
face the five respectable maiden ladies without trepida- 
tion. Eureka! eureka! Good-by, old fellow.” 

“ Good-by,” said Toney, laughing. And he entered his 
office, while the Professor proceeded with rapid strides 
towards his boarding-house. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


191 


CHArTER XXXII. 

Circumstantial evidence seemed to corroborate the 
extraordinary statement of Mrs. Tongue, recorded in the 
preceding chapter. It was now recollected that no other 
horse and rider had been observed to come from the direc- 
tion of the Widow Wild’s mansion during the day on which 
it was known that the lawyer had gone thither to see 
that eccentric lady in reference to Clement’s claim. For 
about a week subsequent M. T. Pate was said to be con- 
fined to his house by sickness ; and when his friends called 
to inquire after his health, they were told by his house- 
keeper that he declined to receive any visitors. When he 
again appeared in public it was noticed that he traveled 
as a pedestrian ; and several youths, curious to know what 
had become of old Whitey, having clandestinely visited 
the stable which he had always occupied, upon peeping 
through a crevice in the door were astonished at be- 
holding in a stall a horse which was as hairless as a 
Chinese dog of the edible species. They promulgated 
the opinion that old Whitey had been subjected to a tou- 
sorial operation, and that his hair had been closely shaven 
off by a razor or some other sharp instrument. Another 
link in the chain of circumstances was the fact that M. 
T. Pate now wore a wig ; and calling at the house of Mrs. 
Hobbs on a certain afternoon, a little daughter of that 
lady ran into the room and was taken by the lawyer on 
his lap. The innocent child playfully caught hold of 
Pate’s locks, and screamed with horror at beholding the 
top of his head coming off. The child was carried out, 
vociferously shrieking, and from that day would never 
venture in the room when the lawyer visited the house. 
Although Pate quickly replaced his wig, the observant 
Mrs. Hobbs had discovered the entire nudity of his 
noddle ; and, with all convenient speed, repairing to the 
house of Mrs. Foot, gave a detailed account of the catas- 
trophe which had so frightened her little daughter ; em- 


192 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


phatically asserting that all the hair which once grew on 
the sides of Mr. Pate’s head had mysteriously disappeared, 
and that his head, deprived of the wig, was as smooth 
and depilous as a pumpkin. 

Notwithstanding the strange rumors in relation to his 
ride on the Woolly Horse, the manners of Mr. Pate in the 
presence of the gentler sex were so bland and fascinating 
that he soon recovered his popularity in the social circle. 
The wig, which he now wore, had greatly improved his 
personal appearance, and transformed him into quite a 
handsome man. In a few weeks the excitement produced 
by the startling apparition of the bareheaded rider on 
the Woolly Horse had subsided, and other subjects occu- 
pied the public mind. Old Whitey was still invisible, but 
Pate moved about on foot, and was frequently seen 
escorting the young ladies of the town, on their prome- 
nades, and to social parties and places of amusement. 

On a bright Sabbath morning Toney walked with the 
Professor to the fine old church, which had been built 
in colonial times, on the suburbs of the town. The 
pastor failed to appear; but M. T. Pate ascended the 
pulpit and read the usual prayers, together with several 
chapters from the Bible, and gave out the first and fourth 
verses of Part 13 of the ninety-seventh selection of 
Psalms. When Pate joined in the exercises with his loud 
bass voice, the singing was very interesting and impress- 
ive ; especially when they came to the last two lines. 

After the services were concluded, he came down into 
the aisle, and gradually made his way to the door, sur- 
rounded by the female portion of the congregation. He 
seemed to be endeavoring to talk to more than a dozen 
ladies at the same time, and each of them appeared anx- 
ious to get nearest to his honored person. His manner 
in the pulpit had been most solemn and impressive ; but 
now he had put off his clerical gravity, and was exceed- 
ingly merry and gallant; while his little pleasantries 
were delivered 

In such apt and gracious words 
That aged ears play truant at his tales. 

And younger hearings are quite ravished; 

So sweet and voluble is his discourse.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


193 


But it was quite evident that he gave a decided pref- 
erence to the younger and prettier portion of this circle 
of his female admirers. He was soon seen to march off 
with a nice young lady hanging on his arm. 

“ Who is that beautiful girl whom the parson’s proxy 
has captured and is carrying off?” said the Professor to 
Toney. 

“ It is Miss Juliet Singleton, the daughter of the wealthy 
old gentleman who lives in the rural retreat on the top 
of yonder hill.” 

“ There is a young gentleman standing with his arms 
folded and his back against a tree, who does not seem to 
have much of the milk of human kindness in his bosom 
just at this moment,” said the Professor, pointing to a 
stalwart young man, who was gazing at Pate and his 
fair companion with eyes in which indignation was plainly 
expressed. 

“It is Juliet’s discarded lover,” said Toney, “and, by 
a singular coincidence, his name is Romeo.” 

“A discarded lover is usually of a very ferocious dispo- 
sition.” 

“ Especially when he sees his rival walk off with the 
object of his affections.” 

“ I know of no more savage animal, unless it be a man 
with the toothache. If I were walking in Mr Pate’s boots I 
would not like to meet that Romeo, — what’s his cogno- 
men ?” 

“ Lawton.” 

“ I would not like to meet Lawton in a lonely place 
upon my return from Juliet’s abode. After beholding the 
menacing aspect of Romeo’s visage, I think it highly 
probable that I shall, to-night, dream of M. T. Pate 
wending his way homeward with a pair of black eyes. 
How did it happen that Pate succeeded in stealing the 
affections of Juliet from that young man, who must be 
very handsome when he is not so diabolically ferocious ?” 

“ Immediately subsequent to Pate’s return from Bella 
Yista he discovered that Romeo was visiting Juliet ” 

“ With the obsolete idea of connubial felicity in his 
head, I suppose ?” 

“Juliet seemed to dote on her adorer. Love and Dove 

n 


194 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


had serenaded her in vain. Bliss had visited her, but she 
regarded him not. It was therefore a matter of astonish- 
ment to all the gossips, male and female, when they 
learned that, in a few weeks after M. T. Pate became 
acquainted with her, Romeo was a discarded lover.” 

“ Poor Romeo ! He had a perception of the miracu- 
lous power of superior genius. What are Pate’s in- 
tentions ? Does he propose to lead the young lady to the 
hymeneal altar ?” 

“ Of course not. He is the founder of the Mystic Order 
of Seven Sweethearts, and is merely performing his duty. 
His object is to prevent a marriage.” 

“ I must consult the five respectable maiden ladies in 
relation to this peculiar case,” said the Professor. And 
bidding Toney good-morning, he walked towards bis 
boarding-house. 

During the above conversation, Pate was escorting the 
beautiful Juliet to her abode. His attentions to this young 
lady were extraordinary. Every evening he was seated 
'by her side. In the mornings they would take long and 
romantic walks to gather wild flowers in the forest ; and 
in the afternoons they had many pleasant drives in his 
buggy; he having purchased a magnificent gray horse 
as a substitute for the invisible Whitey. 

He soon discovered that the young lady was ex- 
ceedingly sentimental, and liked to listen to conversations 
in which love was the prominent topic. So he adopted a 
euphuistic style of speech, and became a successful imitator 
of Sir Piercie Shafton. He would address her as his 
adorable perfection ; would sometimes lift her fair fingers 
to his lips ; and, occasionally, iu a sort of rehearsal, would 
go down on his knees and show her how love ought to 
be made. On one occasion the Irish servant found Pate 
in this attitude in the parlor, and hastily retreated, be- 
lieving that he was making a proposal of marriage. She 
told her master that Miss Juliet was seated in a rocking- 
chair, and that Pate was kneeling before her, and praying 
to her as if she was the Blessed Virgin, and that she had 
heard him ask Juliet if she had no heart “ at all, at all.” 
The old gentleman was wonderfully pleased, when he re- 
ceived this information, at the prospect of soon having so 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


195 


accomplished a son-in-law. Pate inserted many pretty 
verses, which had been written for him by a young poet, 
in the lady’s album ; and on one occasion, when he was 
absent from home, wrote her a number of sentimental 
letters, in one of which he spoke of the promise which he 
had made to her, and which he would never forget. On 
the seal, which he had used, were engraved the figures 
of two doves putting their bills together, as if in the act 
of exchanging a connubial kiss. In fact, so assiduous were 
his intentions, and so numerous his rehearsals of court- 
ship, that the simple-minded girl actually believed that 
he had made her a promise of marriage, and that he was 
the man who had been predestined, from the beginning 
of the world, to be her wedded lord. 

There was a sweet, sequestered spot near her father’s 
mansion, where a number of trees threw a delightful 
shade over a bubbling fountain. Under the trees was a 
rustic bench ; and this was a favorite resort of the fair 
Juliet, where she was often found by Pate sitting in the 
moonlight, and, usually, in a very sentimental mood. One 
evening, just after twilight, she not being at the house, 
he proceeded to the fountain, and discovered her sitting 
on the rustic seat. She seemed pensive, and, when he 
spoke to her, only answered with a deep sigh. He seated 
himself by her side and inquired into the cause of her 
melancholy ; but there was no response. He took her left 
hand in his and lifted it to his lips. As with tender de- 
votion he was about to imprint an impassioned kiss, she 
drew suddenly back, and dealt him a powerful blow, with 
her right fist, under the eye, which knocked him from his 
seat, and he fell on the ground. She then sprang to her 
feet, and, drawing a bludgeon from beneath her garments, 
commenced beating him cruelly, regardless of his cries 
for mercy, until; at last, he was stunned by the shower of 
blows which descended in rapid succession, and lay sense- 
less on the earth. 


196 


THE FUNNY miLOSOPnERS, 


CHAPTER XXXIII. 

When Pate became. conscious he was in bed, having 
been carried home by some laborers, who found him in a 
sad condition, and thought at first that he was a mur- 
dered man. A doctor sat by his side, who had bandaged 
his wounds and bruises, and given proper attention to an 
arm which had been broken. It was many weeks before 
he could leave his house ; and when he went abroad his 
bosom was boiling with indignation at the treatment 
which he had received at the hands of the fair Juliet, 
who, he believed, was a fiend or a fury in disguise. 

So intense was his anger at the conduct of the beauti- 
ful Amazon that he treated her with the greatest indig- 
nity, and, when he met her at church, turned his back on 
her with a scornful curl of his lip. He publicly accused 
her of an atrocious assault on his person, and said that 
she had first knocked him down with her fist, and had 
then broken his arm, and attempted to murder him with 
a heavy bludgeon. 

The greatest enemy which a man may have is the little 
organ which lies in his mouth just behind his teeth. The 
experience of M. T. Pate unfolded this truth when, one 
morning, the sheriff of the county called upon him with 
two interesting documents. The one was a writ of sum- 
mons in an action for slander, and the other a similar pro- 
cess in a suit for breach of promise of marriage. He had 
accused the fair Juliet of an assault on him with intent 
to murder, which accusation, if true, would subject her 
to a criminal prosecution. The words spoken were there- 
fore actionable. He had also treated her with contempt ; 
and the poet tells us that 

“ Hell holds no fury like a woman scorned.” 

By the advice of her father, who was greatly enraged at 
the treatment which his daughter had received, both 
suits had been instituted. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, I97 

When the day of trial arrived, there was an immense 
crowd in the hall of justice, all of whom sympathized 
with the young lady. In the action for slander, Pate had 
pleaded the truth in justification. By the rules of plead- 
ing, in so doing he admitted the speaking of the words 
complained of, and undertook to prove that they were 
true. But to his utter dismay he had no witnesses to 
establish the proof, as no one but Juliet and himself were 
present when the assault was made upon him. To put 
him in a worse position before the jury, the fair plaintiff 
succeeded in proving an alibi, by calling several witnesses 
to the stand who swore that, on the very evening when 
the assault was alleged to have been committed at the 
fountain under the trees, Juliet was some ten miles away 
at the house of her grandmother. Pate, when he heard 
this testimony, was immeasurably shocked at the corrup- 
tion and villainy of mankind ; for had he not sat by her 
side on the rustic bench ? had he not taken her fair hand 
in his own and lifted it to his lips? had he not felt the 
blow from her fist which had knocked him from his seat ? 
had he not beheld her standing over him with her gar- 
ments fluttering in his face, and the terrible cudgel in her 
hand ? had he not besought the infuriated Amazon to have 
mercy on him, while she was ruthlessly beating him, until 
he became insensible? — and now these false and perjured 
witnesses, bribed, no doubt, by her father’s money, had 
sworn that she was some ten miles distant from the scene 
of the outrage ! 

Pate being unable to establish the truth in justification, 
the counsel for the plaintiff took occasion to arouse the in- 
dignation of the jury against the defendant. He traveled 
beyond the evidence, as zealous advocates will often do, 
and told them that this man had basely slandered a re- 
spectable young lady in order to extenuate his own dis- 
honorable conduct in trifling with her affections by shame- 
fully violating his promise of marriage. He called the 
attention of the jury to the absurdity of the charge which 
Pate, by his plea, alleged to be true. Could any sane 
person believe that a young lady, with a hand so small 
and delicate, could double her fist and knock down a 
bulky man like Pate, and then beat him unmercifully with 

n* 


‘198 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


a heavy bludgeon ? And where was the proof of the alle- 
gation in the defendant’s plea ? While he had produced 
no evidence in support of his preposterous charge, the 
plaintiff had demonstrated its falsity by establishing an 
alibi. In a peroration, abounding in vituperation, he 
then demanded vindictive damages as a punishment 
for this base and abominable slander. When he had 
closed his argument, the feelings of the jury were so ex- 
cited that they retired, and in a few moments returned, 
with a verdict awarding twelve thousand dollars to the 
plaintiff as damages for the injury which she had sus- 
tained. 

On the following day the suit for breach of promise of 
marriage was tried. As men seldom make promises of 
/ marriage in the presence of witnesses, in actions of this 
sort much of the proof is inferential. It was proved that 
Pate was in constant attendance on the young lady ; that 
every evening he was seated by her side in her father’s 
parlor, or taking romantic walks in her company, by 
moonlight, with her anil locked in his own ; that in the 
morning he would walk with her to gather wild flowers 
in the forest ; that in the afternoon he would be seen 
riding with her in lonely and unfrequented roads ; and 
several witnesses swore that they had seen him on his 
knees before her, apparently making a most tender appeal. 
The Irishwoman testified to the scene in the rocking- 
chair, and said that he was praying to her, and asking her 
“if she had no heart at all, at all.” The woman was 
asked if she could recollect what day it was on which she 
had witnessed the scene in the rocking-chair. She said 
it was the twenty-first day of May, because on that day 
the bantam hen had hatched a brood of chickens, and 
she had marked the date of the successful incubation on 
the top of the hen-coop. A letter, from Pate to Juliet, 
was then produced, dated the twenty-fifth of May, in 
which he spoke of the promise he had made her, and 
which he would never forget. The nature of this promise 
was not explained by the context ; but so powerful was 
the impression made on the minds of the jury, that, after 
the closing argument of the counsel for the plaintiff, in 
which the character of M. T. Pate was torn to tatters, 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


199 


they retired, and soon returned with a verdict awarding 
damages to the injured lady to the amount of twenty 
thousand dollars. 

In each case a motion for a new trial failed, and the 
judgments were soon followed by executions, under which 
the whole of Pate’s property was seized and sold. He 
bore his reverses with fortitude until he saw old Whitey 
under the auctioneer’s hammer, when his firmness forsook 
him, and he was seen to shed tears. When the judgments 
were satisfied but a small sum remained. Pate was com- 
pelled to remove from his beautiful residence, and obtained 
lodgings in the boarding-house where the Professor and 
the five respectable maiden ladies had dwelt for many 
months. 

Not long afterwards he was informed by one of the re- 
spectable maiden ladies th'cft Juliet, with the proceeds 
arising from the sale of his real and personal estate in her 
possession, had been married to Romeo, to whom she had 
become reconciled. M. T. Pate had no ill feelings towards 
this young man, and could not help pitying him. He pre- 
dicted, in the presence of the Professor and the five re- 
spectable maiden ladies, that Romeo would be murdered 
by Juliet, in cold blood, before the end of the honeymoon. 

At the very moment when Pate was predicting this 
homicide, the young wife was seated by Romeo’s side on 
the rustic bench by the fountain. One arm was around 
Romeo’s neck and her head rested fondly against his 
shoulder. And it so happened that their conversation 
was about M. T. Pate. 

“ And he asserted,” said Juliet, “that on this very spot 
he was dreadfully beaten. How strange that a man, who 
reads the prayers from the pulpit, should tell such a false- 
hood I” 

“ Dearest Juliet,” said Romeo, “ Mr. Pate did not tell 
a falsehood.” 

“ Oh, Romeo I can you believe that man’s story ?” 

“ Indeed, I do.” 

“Believe that Mr. Pate was beaten?” 

“ Yes; dreadfully beaten.” 

“ By me ?” 

“No; not by you.” 


2’00 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERSy 


“ By whom ?” 

“ By him whe is now your loving husband. . 

“ By you V' 

“ Yes ; by me. When I heard that you had been sud- 
denly called from home to attend upon your grandmother, 
who was sick, I clothed myself in female attire, and seated 
myself on this bench, to settle accounts with M. T. Pate. 
It was this arm which dealt him the blow under the eye, 
and afterwards wielded the cudgel which bruised his body 
and fractured his limb.” 

“ Oh, Romeo! you nearly murdered him.” 

“ Had it not been for the approach of the laborers I 
would have murdered him !” 

“ You would ?” 

“Dearest Juliet, I loved you so that I would have 
murdered twenty men for your sake 1” 

Juliet threw her arms around Romeo’s neck and kissed 
him a countless multitude of times; and, strange as it may 
seem, she loved her husband more deeply after he had 
confessed that he was capable of committing twenty homi- 
cides for her sake. 


CHAPTER XXXIY." 

The marriage of Juliet to Romeo had made one young 
man supremely happy, and another intensely miserable. 
At a distance of about three miles from the residence of 
the fair Juliet dwelt Farmer Lovegood, having an only son, 
who, as he grew up, looked so like a picture of the leader 
of the Israelites in the farmer’s old family Bible, that he 
was called Moses by common consent, and was soon 
known by no other name. This unsophisticated youth 
had always been remarkable for bashfulness in the pres- 
ence of the opposite sex. So vividly had his imagination 
depicted the horrors of a captivity in the hands of these 
merciless foes of the masculine gender that, at the first 
glimpse of a petticoat, he would frequently glide away as 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 201 

) 

if he had beheld “the devil in disguise.’^ But on a cer- 
tain Sabbath he saw the beautiful Juliet, seated in her 
father’s pew, and was cruelly enamored. He became a 
regular attendant at the church; but instead of joining in 
the devotions of the congregation, he sat in a corner and 
silently worshiped the lovely owner of the pair of blue 
eyes and golden tresses. During the week he profoundly 
meditated on the beauty of Juliet, and on each successive 
Sunday repaired to the church, and devoutly adored her 
in the seclusion of his corner. 

At length Moses manfully resolves on a pilgrimage to 
the hallowed spot which holds the object of his adoration. 
Accordingly he starts from his rural home, and, with in- 
finite toil, wends his way in solitude beneath the silvery 
light of the twinkling stars, through tangled thickets and 
thorny fields ; floundering through bogs and .briers, and 
tumbling over snake-fences, with thoughts so delicious 
that, could they have escaped from his bosom and taken 
a beautiful embodiment, they would have planted his 
pathway with flowers as sweet as if steeped in the 
honeyed dews of Hymettus. And now he comes in view 
of the mansion in which dwells the lovely idol of his 
worship. He stands beneath the spreading boughs of 
the trees which shade the sacred spot. He sees the lights 
within the neatly-furnished parlor. He even hears the 
siren song of the enchantress, giving utterance to the 
sweet emotions of her soul, as if magnetically informed 
of his approach and inviting him to enter. But he pauses. 
His faculties are seized with a sudden panic, like raw re- 
cruits when first brought into action. His heart palpi- 
tates, and, with a pit-a-pat motion, comes mounting up to 
his mouth. His joints tremble. He walks to and fro under 
the trees, like a fellow sent upon a fool’s errand, who has 
forgotten his message. Finally the lights disappear, and 
the fair Juliet has retired to rest, while the toil-worn 
swain proceeds homeward, breathless, and faint, and 
leaning upon his hickory cudgel. Moses made many 
nightly pilgrimages in the same manner, and with simi- 
lar results; until, one morning, he accidentally heard that 
Juliet was married to Romeo. 

The unfortunate Moses now became intimately ac- 


202 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


quainted with misery. Sleep forsook his*pillow, and after 
several nights of wakefulness, he began to meditate upon 
the various methods of putting one’s self to death ; but 
for a number of days his conclusions were unsatisfactory. 
He put the muzzle of a pistol in his mouth, but there was 
a mutiny among his fingers, and they rebelliously refused 
to obey Ids will, and pull the trigger. He seated himself 
on a beam in his father’s barn, with one end of a rope 
around his neck and the other securely fastened to the 
beam, when he suddenly recollected that a man who is 
hanged usually turns black in the face and presents a 
hideous appearance. He stood on the brow of a preci- 
pice, overhanging a deep and turbid stream, and was 
about to leap into the water below, when he recoiled with 
horror at the prospect of being eaten by the fishes, and thus 
deprived of decent sepulture. 

Moses now wisely determined to pass away without 
any unnecessary suffering. He supposed that on the 
shelves of the apothecary, in Mapleton, were potent drugs 
which would put him in a condition of somnolency, dur- 
ing which he could easily glide out of this sublunary state 
of existence. So he proceeded to the town, and having 
procured the proper material for his purpose, was hurry- 
ing homeward with deadly intent, when he inadvertently 
ran against a man who was standing in the street read- 
ing a newspaper to a crowd of people. The rapidity with 
which Moses was walking caused him to collide with 
great force, and nearly overthrew the reader of the paper. 
The man turned round, and, grasping Moses by the collar, 
shook him fiercely. 

“I beg pardon 1” exclaimed Moses, aroused, by the 
rude shaking he had received, to a consciousness of his 
surroundings, — “I beg pardon! I did not see.” 

“ Hid not see I” said the man. “ Where are your eyes 
that you can’t see a whole crowd of people ?” 

“ I beg pardon !” reiterated Moses, meekly. 

" It is granted ; but mind how you walk next time 1” 
And with this admonition, the man resumed the reading 
of the paper, as follows : 

“ Immense discoveries in the placers 1 Captain M 
reported to have already fifteen barrels buried I” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


203 


“ Fifteen barrels of what V' asked Moses of a man 
standing near him, and who happened to be M. T. Pate. 

“ Fifteen barrels of gold !” said Pate. 

“ Of what ?•’ 

“ Of gold.” 

“ Have they discovered gold near Mapleton ?” 

— no — not here.” 

“ Where, then ?” 

“ In California. Have you not heard the news ? The 
papers have been full of the accounts for the last three 
weeks. Where have you been living?” 

“ At home.” ' 

“And not heard of the gold discoveries! People are 
digging out gold-dust by the barrel. In a week a man 
can become as rich as John Jacob Astor. We have 
formed a company and are going to California as soon as 
the ship is ready to sail.” 

“ I would like to go,” said Moses. 

“ You can join our company.” 

“ I will go,” said Moses. 

“ Come along with me,” said Pate. And he conducted 
his recruit to a room where several members of his com- 
pany were assembled. Here Moses was introduced to 
Wiggins, Love, and Dove, and a long and earnest conver- 
sation ensued ; after which Moses signed a paper pur- 
porting to be the constitution of a mining association ; to 
which were already subscribed the names of the persons 
present, and also of Messrs Botts, Perch, and Bliss, 

“ When does the ship sail ?” asked Moses. 

“ In about a week,” said Wiggins. 

“We leave Mapleton to-morrow,” said Pate. “We 
must be in the city to make arrangements for the voyage.” 

“ I wish we were off,” said Moses “ I will go home 
and bid my father farewell, and come here to-night.” 

Moses hurried home, and on the way threw the 
deadly drug, which he had purchased of the apqth^cary, 
into a stream of water to poison the fishes. He thought 
DO more of suicide. Avarice had entered his soul, and 
expelled another powerful passion, which had been im- 
pelling him to the commission of felo de se. Love, like 
a cruel leopard, had clutched the heart of Moses, when 


204 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


Avarice, like a mighty lion, appeared and compelled the 
leopard to abandon its prey. 

The father of Moses had already heard of the won- 
derful discoveries of gold on the Pacific coast, and was 
willing that his son should go thither and secure his for- 
tune. The parent was a pious man, and he bade Moses 
kneel before him, while he laid his hands on his head and 
gave him his blessing. He then proceeded to his barn, 
and procuring two sacks made of stout canvas and each 
capable of containing a couple of bushels, he presented 
them to Moses, saying, — 

“ My son, be not greedy of gold. Moderate your de- 
sires; and when you have filled these two sacks return 
again to your father’s house.” 

Moses dutifully vowed obedience to the injunctions of 
his venerable sire. He received the sacks with a light 
heart, for he felt that light was the task imposed upon 
him. He departed with the pleasing anticipation of a 
brief sojourn in the distant land and a speedy return to 
the halls of his ancestors. 


CHAPTER XXXY. 

“ It was the saddest hour of my life when I parted from 
Rosabel,” said Toney to the Professor, as they stood on 
the platform at the railway in Mapleton w^aiting for the 
train which was to convey them to the Monumental City, 
where they were to embark for California. 

“ Rosabel was willing that you should go ?” asked the 
Professor. 

“ The dear girl wept as if her heart was breaking. I 
never knew how deeply I loved her until then. Only to 
think that I may be absent for five years 1 But we both 
thought that it was better that I should go.” 

“ And make the hundred thousand dollars.” 

“ There can be no hope of our union until I have the 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


205 


hundred thousand dollars. You know the Widow Wild’s 
eccentricity.” 

“ That woman is a profound mystery. And Tom Sed- 
don, whom we expect in the train, — do you think that he 
can part from Ida ?” 

“ Poor Tom’s situation is like mine. He can never 
hope to marry Ida while her uncle is alive, unless he has 
an ample fortune.” 

“ You refer to the old Cerberus, who used to pretend to 
have fits of canine rabies, and drive Tom out of the house ?” 

“ He has entirely excluded Tom from the house.” 

“ Where does Tom manage to see Ida ?” 

“At Colonel Ilazlewood’s residence. Ida is the only com- 
panion of Claribel and Imogen, who see no other company.” 

“ See no company I They used to be gay enough.” 

“ When Clarence and Harry went to Mexico, they se- 
cluded themselves from society.” 

“ What has become of those young men ? They did 
not return when the troops came back from Mexico.” 

“ At the battle of Molino del Rey, where both were dis- 
tinguished for heroic daring, Clarence was badly wounded ; 
and, after our army entered the City of Mexico, he was in 
the hospital for several months, and was tenderly nursed 
by Harry until he recovered. When peace was concluded, 
and the army was about to march back to Yera Cruz, 
they resigned their commissions and proceeded to the 
port of Acapulco on the Pacific coast. Since then there 
have been no tidings of them.” 

“ Look yonder 1” said the Professor. “ Are they going 
to California ?” 

Toney’s eyes followed the direction indicated by the 
Professor’s finger, and beheld what seemed like a proces- 
sion of giants. In front towered Mrs. Foot by the side 
of her tremendous husband ; while behind them walked 
the three stupendous sisters, followed by Hercules, who 
brought up the rear. 

“ A fine morning, Mrs. Foot,” said Toney. 

“ How do you do, Mr. Belton ?” said the towering lady. 
“ Have you seen Mr. Love ?” 

“ He has gone to the city to embark for California,” said 
Toney. 


18 


206 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ He has !” exclaimed Mrs.Foot. “ And Dove ? And 
Bliss?” - 

“ Gone with Mr. Love,” said Toney. 

“ I told you sol” said Gideon Foot, looking around at 
the young giantess in his rear. 

“ Going to California — are they ?” cried Mrs. Foot. 

“ Yes, madam,” said Toney. 

“ If I catch Dove I’ll wring his neck I” said the gigantic 
Gideon. 

“ Oh, father !” exclaimed Theodosia. 

“ Come !” said Gideon, gruffly. ‘‘ Yonder is the train !” 

The harsh scream of a steam whistle was heard, and a 
train of cars thundered up to the platform. Gideon Foot 
and his family went on board, and were followed by 
Toney and the Professor, who found Tom Seddon, seated 
in a car, looking pale and melancholy. After an exchange 
of salutations, poor Tom relapsed into silence, for he was 
thinking of Ida. Toney was also extremely taciturn, and 
hardly uttered a word until they reached the depot in the 
suburbs of the city. Here they took a carriage, and were 
driven directly to where the ship lay at the wharf, and 
went on board, — their arrangements having been made on 
a former visit to this beautiful metropolis of Maryland. 

Mrs. Foot and her three daughters proceeded to the 
residence of her sister, who lived in the city, and was the 
wife of a Mr. Sampson. Gideon and Hercules went in 
search of Love, Dove, and Bliss. In about an hour they 
encountered these three adventurous gold-hunters daintily 
dressed, with nice silk hats on their heads, and polished 
French leather on their lower extremites. Each had white 
kid gloves on his hands, and carried a slender cane, with 
which he occasionally tapped the toe of his boot. They 
looked like little bridegrooms going to be married. 

“ Good-morning, Mr. Love,” said Gideon, blandly. 

“ I am glad to see you, Mr. Foot,” said Love. And 
he and his two companions shook hands with Gideon and 
Hercules. 

“ You seem to be in a hurry,” said Gideon. 

“ The ship sails to-day, and we must be aboard,” said 
Love. 

“ Going to California ?” said Gideon. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 207 

Yes ; going to dig gold,” said Love. And he and Dove 
tapped the toes of their boots with their little canes, while 
Bliss pulled off his new silk hat and smoothed his odor- 
iferous locks. 

“ Hercules is going,” said Gideon. 

“Are you, indeed?” asked Love, looking up at Her- 
cules. 

“ Yes,” said Hercules, “ as soon as I have bid my 
mother good-by.” 

“ Is Mrs. Foot in town ?” inquired Love. 

“ She is, and w^ould be so glad to see you,” said Gideon. 
“ Come with us and bid Mrs. Foot good-by, and Hercules 
will go with you to the ship.” 

“ Let us go and bid Mrs. Foot good-by,” said Love, 
looking at his two companions. 

“ We will go,” said Dove. 

“ Let us go,” said Bliss. 

“ Come,” said Gideon. And the three little men accom- 
panied the gigantic father and son to the residence of Mrs. 
Sampson. They entered the house, and were conducted 
by Gideon, through a large front apartment, to a back 
parlor, which communicated, by a door, with a room in 
the rear. 

“Take seats, gentlemen,” said Gideon. “Mrs. Foot 
will be with you in a moment.” 

Gideon returned to the hall where Hercules was wait- 
ing. 

“ Go fetch the parson,” said Gideon. “Make haste!” 

Hercules hurried away, and Gideon returned to the 
back parlor and locked both doors. He then stood in the 
middle of the floor and elevated himself to his full height, 
so that his head almost seemed to touch the low ceiling, 
as he gazed sternly at Love, Dove, and Bliss, who sat on 
a sofa, and who now began to tremble. 

“ Look here !” said Gideon, “ I am a man of few words. 
Do you know what you have got to do ?” 

“ What ?” said Love, looking dreadfully frightened. 

“ You three fellows have been hanging around my 
daughters for the last six months,” said Gideon. “You 
have come to the house in the morning; you have 
come in the afternoon ; you have come at all hours, and 


208 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


the girls have had no time to do any household work on 
account of you. Even at night, when they were in bed, 
you would be under their windows making more noise 
than so many tomcats with your serenades. Now, what 
do you intend to do 

“ Nothing,” said little Love, very meekly. 

“ Nothing I” exclaimed the gigantic Gideon Foot. 
“Nothing! Just say that again and I will wring your 
neck! Come! I’ll have no fooling! You have got to 
marry my three daughters !” 

The eyes of the tliree little men widely dilated, and 
were fixed on Gideon’s towering form, but their tongues 
were silent ; they were dumb with terror. 

“ You have got just ten minutes to make up your minds. 
If you don’t agree to marry my daughters, I will come 
back in ten minutes and wring your necks.” 

Gideon left the room and locked the door. 

“ What shall we do?” said Love. 

“ He has locked the door,” said Dove. 

“ He’ll murder us !” said Bliss. 

“ We had better marry the young ladies,” said Love. 

“You will take Cleopatra,” said Dove. 

“And you will take Theodosia,” said Love. 

“ And Bliss will marry Sophonisba,” said Dove. 

The three little men now held a hurried consultation, 
and were unanimously in favor 6f matrimony, when 
Gideon opened the door. 

“ Your ten minutes are out,” said Gideon. 

“ We have agreed to be married,” said Love. 

“ Very good,” said Gideon. “ The parson is waiting 
in the front room, and I have the three licenses in my 
pocket. Which one do you marry ?” 

“ Cleopatra,” said Love. 

Gideon went to the door opening into the back room, 
and unlocking it, put his head through and uttered a few 
words. Cleopatra came forth, blushing. 

“ Stand up !” said Gideon to Love. 

Love arose from his seat trembling from head to foot. 

“ Take her arm,” said Gideon. “ That’s right. Now, 
come along !” 

Gideon opened the door, and Love walked with Cleo- 


OR WAGS AND SWDETHDARTS, 


209 


patra into the front room, where stood the parson with 
his book open ready to make them man and wife. In a 
very brief space of time Love and Cleopatra were united 
in the holy bands of matrimony. The parson looked as 
if he expected to see the happy man salute his bride ; but 
Love was unable to reach up, and Cleopatra did not bend 
down, and so this formality was not observed. The 
wedded pair walked into the back parlor, followed by 
Gideon, who turned to Dove and said, — 

“ Whom do you marry 

“ Theodosia, if you please,” said Dove, with meek 
resignation. 

At the summons of Gideon, Theodosia appeared and 
was united to Dove, and then Sophonisba was married to 
Bliss. Mrs. Foot then rushed from the back room and 
fondly embraced her daughters, aud also her three little 
sons. 

“ There, now,” said Gideon, “ we are through with 
the business. Are the carriages at the door?” asked 
he of Hercules, who went out to ascertain if they had 
arrived. 

“ We will go home in the next train,” said Gideon. 

“ Can’t we go to California ?” whimpered Love. 

“ No,” said Gideon, “ of course not. You must go 
home with your wives.” 

“ And be happy,” said Mrs. Foot. 

“ Hercules is going to California,” said Gideon. “ He 
can dig gold enough for the whole family.” 

Hercules was standing in the street before the door, 
when Pate and Wiggins approached him. , 

“ Have you seen Mr. Love ?” asked Pate. 

“ He is in there,” said Hercules, pointing to the house. 

“ And Dove and Bliss ?” said Pate. 

“ In there with Love,” said Hercules. 

“ We have been looking for them,” said Wiggins. 

“ The ship will sail in a few hours, and they should be 
on board,” said Pate. 

“ I don’t think they are going,” said Hercules. 

“ Not going!” exclaimed Pate. 

“ I think not,” said Hercules. 

Two carriages were now driven up, and stopped in 
18 * 


210 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


front of the house. . The door opened, and out came 
Love hanging on the arm of Cleopatra. 

“ Mr. Love! Mr. Love!” exclaimed Pate, “the ship is 
about to sail and you should be on board. Come with 
us.” 

“ I can’t go ; I am married,” said Love, with a look 
of despair. 

“ Come along !” said Cleopatra. And she and her 
little husband entered one of the carriages. 

“ Good heavens !” ejaculated Pate. 

“ Married !” exclaimed Wiggins. 

“ Mr. Dove ! Mr. Dove ! you will be left !” cried Pate, 
as Theodosia led her husband down the steps. 

“ I can’t go ; I am married,” said poor Dove, as his 
wife conducted him to the carriage. 

“ Indeed, Mr. Bliss, you will be left behind !” said Pate, 
as Bliss and his bride descended the steps. 

“ I can’t go ; I am married,” said the little man, dole- 
fully, as Sophonisba led him to the carriage. 

“ All married !” exclaimed Wiggins. 

“ What does it mean ?” said Pate. 

“ Good-by, Hercules,” said Gideon. 

“ God bless you, my son,” said Mrs. Foot. And she 
threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. 

“Good-by, father! good-by, mother!” said Hercules. 
And then he rushed to one of the carriages, and putting 
in his head, exclaimed, “Good-by, sisters! good-by, little 
brothers !” 

The three brides kissed Hercules and wept, while their 
husbands shook him by the hand. After many fond em- 
braces and wishes for his welfare the carriages were 
driven off, leaving Hercules standing in the street, with 
Wiggins and Pate gazing up at him with looks of per- 
plexity. 

“ i^re you going to California ?” asked Pate. 

“ I am,” said the giant, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

“And Love, Dove, and Bliss are not going?” said 
Wiggins. 

“No; they have married my sisters, and are going 
home to be happy,” said Hercules. And he wiped away 
some more tears that came into his eyes. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


211 


What made them marry your sisters?” asked Pate, 

‘‘I reckon it was because they loved them,” said Her- 
cules. 

“ They should have given us notice,” said Wiggins. 

“ We have lost three men from our company,” said 
Pate. 

“ Did my little brothers belong to your company ?” 
asked Hercules. 

“ They did,” said Pate. 

“ And have left us without giving notice,” said Wig- 
gins. 

“ Will you take me in their places ?” said Hercules. 
“ 1 can dig more gold than they could.” 

Will you join our company ?” asked Pate. 

“ Yes, if you will give me as much gold as my three 
little brothers were to get. I can do more digging than 
all three of them.” 

“ So he can,” said Wiggins. 

I have no doubt of it,” said Pate, looking at the tow- 
ering form and broad shoulders of the giant with enthu- 
siastic admiration. 

After a brief conference, the proposition of Hercules 
was acceded to, and the three gold-hunters hurried on 
board the vessel, which was about to spread her white 
wings, and proceed on her way to the land where rivers 
were said to be rolling between banks of golden sands, 
which glittered in the last rays of the setting sun. 


212 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER XXXYL 

As the ship moved away from the wharf, and was towed 
.by the steam-tug into the stream, M. T. Pate stood upon 
the deck, humming a stanza of Byron’s celebrated adieu 
to his native land, when he heard a strain of music as if 
coming from the clouds. From the foretop, in clear and 
mellifluous tones, was heard the following me,lody : 


Farewell! farewell! but ever, 
When wand'ring o’er the sea, 

Though worlds of waters sever. 
This heart shall turn to thee. 

Though thy sweet smile be hidden 
Unto ray soul so dear; 

Though I be then forbidden 
Thine angel voice to hear; 

Though stern fate bid me wander 
Away from thee afar. 

Yet hope will turn the fonder 
Unto its one bright star. 

The bird that on the bough, love. 
So sweetly sang of late, 

1 Hath often been ere now, love. 

Thus driven from his mate; 

But still he wakes his song, love. 
Returning there anew ; 

And thus, oh, thus, ere long, love. 
Will I return to you. 


“ A sweet little cherub sits up aloft to cheer us with 
his soothing symphony,” said the Professor to Toney. 

“ It is Tom Seddon,” said Toney, glancing upward. 

Just now he climbed up the rigging, inserted his per- 
son through the lubber’s hole, and seated himself in the 
foretop.” - 

“Where he is laudably exercising his lungs for the 
entertainment of the company below,” said the Professor. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


213 


*‘Poor Tom is not thinking of the company below,” 
said Toney. “ His thoughts are far away.” 

“With Ida?” said the Professor. “Yet one of the 
company below seems to be wonderfully excited by his 
music. Did you ever hear such a clatter of hoofs?” 

“You refer to the young gentleman on the top of the 
cook’s galley, who is occupied with certain saltatory 
movements which appear to be an awkward imitation of 
dancing?” said Toney. 

“ Who is he ?” asked the Professor. 

“ Sam Perch,” said Toney. 

“ The verdant youth who is sometimes called the Long 
Green Boy ?” said the Professor. 

“The same,” said Toney. 

“ This extraordinary lad seems to possess the chame- 
leon-like faculty of occasionally changing his color,” said 
the Professor. 

“ How so ?” said Toney. 

“He has ceased to be green for the present, and has 
become exceedingly 

“Is punning allowable?” said Toney. 

“ That depends entirely on circumstances,” said the 
Professor. “ If on dry land a man makes a pun in your 
presence, knock him down if you are able.” 

“ And at sea ?” said Toney. 

“ Pun away as much as you please. In Neptune’s 
dominions the area of liberty is ample, and freedom of 
speech is seldom interfered with.” 

“ Do you recognize that solemn personage standing at 
the bow and gazing so intently over the broad waters?” 
said Toney. 

“ It is Moses,” said the Professor. “ He hopes soon to 
get a glimpse of the land of promise.” 

“I heard him tell Hercules just now that he only 
wanted four bushels of gold-dust,— two for himself and 
two for his father. He said that he expected to fill his 
two sacks in about a week after he reached the mines, 
and should then immediately start for home.” 

“ His absence will be of short duration,” said the Pro- 
fessor. “ But who is Hercules ?” 

“ The big fellow to whom Botts has just administered a 


214 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


potation from the black bottle which he now bolds in his 
band,” said Toney. 

“ The giant smacks his lips in approval of the quality 
of the contents,” said the Professor. 

“ I certainly recognize that nose,” said Toney, pointing 
to an individual whose face was covered with an impene- 
trable thicket of black beard, leaving only two twinkling 
eyes and his nasal protuberance visible. 

‘‘ That extraordinary nose belongs to William Wiggins,” 
said the Professor. 

“ To Rosebud?” 

“No longer Rosebud,” said the Professor. “As soon 
as he came on board the sailors called him Old Grizzly. 
He will be known by no other name at sea, for when the 
jolly tars are in the nominative case, the designation 
they give a man always clings to him. Hereafter we 
may as well cease to call him Wiggins, and speak of him 
as Old Grizzly.” 

“ He must have been at enmity with the barbers for 
the last four weeks,” said Toney. 

“ When he determined to seek his fortune in the aurifer- 
ous regions of the far West, he made a solemn vow not 
to allow a razor to come in contact with his countenance 
until he had dug two barrels of gold, which he said was 
enough for any one man. So his beard must continue to 
grow longer until he gets his two barrels of gold.” 

“ It will be long enough before he gets the gold,” said 
Toney. 

“ Pun aw'ay boldly,” said the Professor ; “ we are now 
on the water. But come, let us go below, and look after 
our goods and chattels.” 

During the night the ship anchored in the bay ; and 
next morning the pilot was sent off, and she stood out to 
sea. 

Coming on deck at an early hour in the morning, Toney 
and the Professor were watching the silvery spray dart- 
ing off from the bow, when they heard a singular sound, 
as if proceeding from some huge sea-monster seized with 
a fit of the colic. Looking along the bulwarks, they 
beheld poor Hercules, with outstretched neck and dilated 
eyes, pouring out libations to the inexorable god of the 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


215 


seas. And soon, with pallid cheeks, M. T. Pate appeared, 
followed by the Long Green Boy, Old Grizzly, and Moses, 
who, with many others, silently glided to the side of the 
giant, who, as he stood thrusting out his head and neck 
with certain indescribable jerks, and towering above his 
companions, engaged in similar exercises, resembled 
some tall and bulky Shanghai rooster, with all his numer- 
ous progeny around him, grievously afflicted with that 
terrible visitation of the poultry-yard which hen-wives 
denominate the gapes. 

The Professor was a benevolent little fellow, with a 
high opinion of his medical skill ; so he proceeded to the 
cabin, and brought forth a bottle containing a beverage 
much more potent than that in which Adam was accus- 
tomed to drink the health of Eve when in the garden of 
Eden. He first applied to Hercules ; and holding the 
neck of the bottle in close proximity to his lips, earnestly 
exhorted him to try the infallible remedy of absorption, 
assuring him that it was a sovereign cure for his ailment 
in particular, as well as for nearly every other ill in this 
sublunary state of existence. But Hercules, grinning 
“ horribly a ghastly grin,” turned quickly away, and gave 
expression to his abhorrence of the proposition in loud 
and boisterous sounds, which seemed to come from the 
very bottom of a soul intimately acquainted with sorrow. 

The kind-hearted Professor then proceeded to the Long 
Green Boy, who was rapidly projecting out and drawing 
back his head in a hprizontaLdiC-ection, and giving utter- 
ance to a succession of sounds which resembled a small 
hurricane of hiccoughs. The verdant youth cast a look of 
disgust at the sparkling fluid, and w^aving his hand im- 
patiently, turned away, and continued in the awkward 
but faithful performance of his part in the exercises of 
the morning. Moses gave the Professor a look of indig- 
nation, while Old Grizzly so far forgot himself as to 
advise the benevolent little fellow, in the emphatic phra- 
seology usually employed by the sons of Belial, to locate 
himself in a certain remote quarter of the universe not 
proper to be mentioned to “ears polite.” 

The Professor then entreated M. T. Pate to imbibe from 
the bottle containing his catholicon. But poor Pate was 


216 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


busily engaged in the performance of sundry remarkable 
and difficult evolutions ; thrusting out and drawing in 
his head with unexampled vigor. 

“ He is trying to swallow his own head,” said Toney, 
taking the Professor aside and pointing to Pate. 

“ And actually seems to entertain the most sanguine 
hopes of succeeding in his hazardous undertaking,” said 
the Professor. 

“ What undertaking ?” asked Tom Seddon, who just 
then came on deck. 

“ He is seeking to swallow his own cocoanut,” said the 
Professor. 

“ Who ?” asked Tom. 

‘‘ M. T. Pate,” said the Professor. “ Look at him f 
I am apprehensive that he will succeed.” 

“ You could not induce any of them to imbibe?” said 
Toney. 

“No,” said the Professor; “ they are teetotalers, and 
Hercules is the President of the association. Come, let 
me introduce you to the amphibious animals who inhabit 
tne forecastle.” 

The Professor and his two friends walked forward, 
and saw seated on the anchor an old sea-monster, wdth a 
very short pipe in his mouth. His original name was 
Timothy; but several reefs had been taken in it by his 
shipmates, and it had been finally tucked up into Tim. 

Tom Seddon, like most young lovers who have just 
parted from the objects of their affections, had a tender 
heart, and, pitying the old sailor reduced to the necessity 
of endangering the end of his nose when he performed 
the important ceremony of fumigation, handed him a pipe 
with a long stem. 

Old Tim examined this valuable present with a cool 
glance of criticism ; and then proceeded to break the stem. 

“ Don’t,” said Tom. “ What are you doing ?” 

“ Too much timber I” said the old tar, laconically. And 
he broke off the stem within an inch of the bowl, which 
he filled with chips from a plug of tobacco ; putting on 
top a live coal procured from the cook’s galley. 

“ That beats thunder I” said Tom. • 

“ Let him alone,” said the Professor. “ If he wants 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


21Y 


to give his proboscis the benefit of an auto da fe, it is 
his own business.” 

“ Look at him !” said Tom. 

“ His nasal protuberance enveloped in vapor looks like 
an altar abundantly supplied with incense,” said the Pro-^ 
fessor. “ But who are those dusky gentlemen with whom 
Toney seems to be so intimate?” 

“ This one is from the island of Madeira,” said Toney. 

“ Si, senor,” said the sailor. 

His name is Pedro,” said Toney. 

“ Which being interpreted is Peter,” said the Professor. 

“ Pete,” said Old Tim, with a puff at his pipe. 

‘‘ Probably that is a corruption of the text,” said the 
Professor, suggestively. 

“ And here is a Sardinian whose name is Pablo,” said 
Toney. 

Which when translated is Paul,” said the Professor. 

“Jupiter!” exclaimed Tom Seddon, jumping back. 

“ It is Jupiter’s brother,” said the Professor, as a huge 
head appeared over the bow, followed by an immense 
body, which had been down in the forechains. “ Neptune 
is coming on board to give you a fraternal hug.” 

“ Old Nick I” said Tim, with another puff at his short 
pipe. 

“ Old Nick ?” said the Professor. “ I was not aware 
that he w^as an aquatic animal. I had always understood 
that he delighted to dwell in another element.” 

“Who is that lad running down the rigging?” said 
Tom to Timothy. 

“Young Nick,” said the salt, with another puff at his 
pipe. 

“Old Nick and Young Nick!” said the Professor. 

“ Undoubtedly these are nicknames bestowed on them 
for euphony.” • 

“ What port is that?” asked Tim, taking the pipe from 
his mouth. 

“ It lies on the south side of the Anonymous Islands,” 
said the Professor. 

“ I have been there,” said Old Nick. “Sailed with 
Captain Morrell in the ship Tartar. Good port. Rum 
cheap and tobacco plenty.” 


19 


218 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ I have no doubt of it/’ said the Professor, as he arose 
from his seat on a coil of rope, and, at the sound of the 
steward’s bell summoning them to breakfast, walked with 
Toney and Tom to the cabin. 


- CHAPTER XXXYII. 

“ Look at M. T. Pate,” said Tom Seddon, as he sat 
with Toney and the Professor on deck one morning, 
about a week after they had been at sea. 

The ship was running at the rate of nine knots, with 
the wind on the quarter. 

“ He treads as tremulously as a turkey condemned to 
the ordeal of tripping over a liberal sprinkling of hot 
ashes,” said the Professor. 

“ Getting his sea-legs,” said Old Tim, as he toddled by 
with a rope in his hand. 

“ Our venerabl'e friend suggests that Pate is about to 
undergo a metamorphosis and become amphibious,” said 
the Professor. 

“ What are Wiggins and Botts doing yonder ?” said 
Toney. 

“ Hugging!” said Tom. 

“The hug of the Old Grizzly is dangerous,” said the 
Professor. 

“And Perch and Hercules seem to have fraternized,” 
said Toney. 

“ The Long Green Boy is clinging to the giant as the 
vine clings to the oak,” said the Professor. 

“ Poor Moses !” s*id Toney. 

“ Look at him 1” said Tom. 

“ His eyes are amply dilated,” said the Professor. 

“ He is afraid that the ship will be upset,” said Tom. 

“ How do you think that Pate would now perform on 
the light fantastic toe ?” said Toney. 

“ Speaking of that suggests an idea,” said the Professor. 

“ What is that ?” asked Toney. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


219 


Next Thursday will be Washington’s birthday,” said 
the Professor. 

“ Well ?” said Toney. 

“ Let us have a ball,” said the Professor. 

“ A ball !” exclaimed Toney. 

“A ball !” cried Tom. 

‘‘Yes,” said the Professor, “let us have a ball for the 
fun of the thing.” 

“ We are the Funny Philosophers,” said Toney. 

“ Let us have the ball,” said Tom. 

“ But where are the ladies?” said Toney. 

“ There are no representatives of these sweet ‘ wingless 
angels’ on board except the captain’s spouse,” said the 
Professor. 

“ Who has sailed in company with her weather-beaten 
consort for some twenty years,” said Toney. 

“ And is as good a seaman as himself,” said Tom. 

“Do not be tossing the queen’s English on the horns 
of an Irish bull,” said the Professor. “ Yet what you 
say is measurably true ; for when the venerable Timothy 
is more than ordinarily sad and susceptible of melancholy 
impressions, he is often heard to bitterly complain of his 
hard lot in being compelled to serve under a ‘ she boss,’ 
who, he alleges, is the better man of the two.” 

“ I have no doubt,’/ said Tom, “of the ability of this 
ancient lady to carry the ship safely through the dangers 
of the most difficult navigation.” 

“ But,” said Toney, “ I hardly suppose that she would be 
able to steer through the intricate mazes of a fashionable 
hop without the imminent danger of running aground.” 

“Yet,” said the Professor, “her presence on board 
relieves us from a perplexing dilemma.” 

“ How so ?” asked Toney. 

“There can be no doubt,” said the Professor, “that in 
sundry sea-chests she has stowed away an incalculable 
quantity of female attire. Now, if I can but obtain the 
run of her wardrobe, the preparations for the ball will 
be made without difficulty.” 

“ Let us call a meeting in the cabin,” said Toney. 

“ A most excellent suggestion !” said the Professor. 
“ Let the meeting be immediately convened.” 


220 


THE Fuyyy fiiilosopiiers, 


A meeting of the passengers resulted in a determina- 
tion to have a grand ball in honor of the birthday of the 
immortal Washington, and the Professor was unani- 
mously chosen to make the arrangements. He immedi- 
ately entered upon the performance of his arduous and 
important duties. After a negotiation, which was con- 
ducted on his part with the skill of a consummate diplo- 
matist, he succeeded in concluding an advantageous 
treaty with the captain’s lady, and obtained an abundant 
supply of female apparel. A number of the most youth- 
ful of the passengers were then subjected to a tonsorial 
operation, obliterating every indication of a nascent beard 
from their features ; after which they were arrayed in the 
garments obtained from the old lady’s wardrobe. 

“ Don’t they look beautiful ?” said Tom Seddon. 

“Just like a bevy of blushing and modest maidens,” 
said Toney. 

“ The susceptible Long Green Boy has fallen in love 
with one of them already,” said Tom. 

“ I fear that he will again be the victim of a hopeless 
attachment,” said Toney. 

“ I regret the absence of Love and Dove,” said the 
Professor. 

What nice little ladies they would have made !” said 
Tom. 

“ Their dancing days are over,” said Toney. 

“ Matrimony imposes important duties,” said the Pro- 
fessor ; “ and the little Loves and Doves will soon claim 
their undivided attention.” 

The ball-room was a long apartment, under the fore- 
castle, called the forward cabin. It was illuminated by a 
number of lamps, which “shone o’er fair women and brave 
men” assembled to enjoy that “scene of revelry by night.” 

“ Look at Moses !” said Tom Seddon. 

“ The young man seems to be greatly terrified,” said 
the Professor. 

“ He is like one under an optical illusion,” said Toney. 

“ Moses believes he is now in the presence of more 
than a dozen beautiful women,” said Tom. 

“ And has shrunk timidly in a corner to avoid the ob- 
servation of the enemy,” said Toney. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


221 


“ He has attracted the attention of a young maiden 
who has fixed her bright glances on him, as if meditating 
mischief,” said the Professor. 

“ She is a bold girl,” said Toney. 

“ Strangely forgetful of the obvious rules of propri- 
ety 1” said the Professor. 

“ Poor Moses is protesting,” said Toney. 

“ But in vain ; for she has grappled him around the 
waist,” said Tom. 

“ And is carrying him by main force into the middle 
of the floor,” said Toney. 

“ Was ever such vigor witnessed among virgins I” said 
Tom. 

“ Never since the extinction of the Amazonian race I” 
said the Professor. 

“ Moses and his partner lead off,” said Toney. 

” Clear the way I” said Tom, as each gayly attired 
gallant selected a partner j and soon “ the fun grew fast 
and furious.” ~ 

“ Mr. Pate seems to be perfectly at home in the dance,” 
said the Professor. 

“And so does the Long Green Boy,” said Toney. 

“ Old Grizzly is performing his part admirably,” said 
Tom. 

“ He is peeping from behind a masked battery of black 
beard upon the charms of his agreeable partner,” said 
Toney. 

“The young lady should beware of his hug,” said 
Tom. 

“ The pair forcibly remind one of the old story of 
Beauty and the Beast,” said the Professor. 

“ Hercules and the damsel with whom he is dancing 
require an immense amount of sea-room,” said Toney. 

“ Heads up !” exclaimed Tom. And, as he uttered this 
exclamation, the ship, which had been running on an even 
keel, gave a sudden lurch to the larboard, upsetting all 
the fun in an instant, and spoiling the poetry of motion. 

“Ah, then and there was hurrying to and fro,” 

and Hercules pitched headforemost with his partner into 

19* 


222 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


a bunk. The indignant damsel arose and gave utterance 
to a wish the literal fultillment of which would have 
found Hercules, poor fellow I sadly in need of the aid of 
an experienced oculist. 

After the ceremony of a general prostration there 
was a tumultuous rush for the companion-ladder. The 
Professor reached the deck, after having inadvertently 
perpetrated the atrocious outrage of tearing away a con- 
siderable portion of female finery from the person of a 
fair damsel who was boldly mounting ahead, and who 
bestowed upon him sundry benedictions of singular im- 
port. The first object he beheld was M. T. Pate on his 
knees in an attitude of supplication. 

“What’s the matter, Mr. Pate?” exclaimed the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ Now I lay me down to sleep !” ejaculated Pate, with 
extreme fervor. 

“ What has happened ?” cried Tom Seddon. 

“ Now I lay me down to sleep !” reiterated Pate. 

“ No time for praying I You had better cut your yarn 
short and lay hold on a rope,” said the mate, in emphatic 
terms by no means in unison with Pate’s devotional 
sentunents. 

“ What’s broke loose ?” said Toney. 

“The ship has been taken aback!” cried the mate. 
And he rushed forward and commenced kicking old Tim, 
who was lying supinely on his back in a condition of 
somnolency. 

The crew had been inspired with patriotic emotions 
equal to those of the passengers, and, while getting up 
water from below, had discovered a case of brandy, and 
secretly conveyed it to the forecastle. Here the multi- 
tude of libations in honor of the father of his country 
had been productive of serious consequences. 

In the course of the evening the mate saw approaching 
one of those sudden squalls so common in those latitudes, 
and ordered all hands aloft. But he might as well have 
been issuing his orders to the inmates of a bedlam. 
There lay Timothy on the deck, a picture of perfect re- 
pose and innocent tranquillity. Peter and Paul were 
engaged in a hot controversy with Old Nick, whose 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


223 


youthful namesake was occupied with certain saltatory 
movements on the top of the forecastle. Just then the 
squall struck the ship and nearly carried the lee-rail under. 
In an instant the instincts of the sailor were aroused, and 
all had an idea that something was to be done ; but there 
was a strange want of unanimity in reference to the 
measures proper to be adopted. Forth rushed the captain 
from his cabin ; but his occupation was gone. There 
stood Old Nick, giving orders vociferously, evidently 
under the impression that he had been recently promoted 
and was an admiral of the blue. This daritig usurper was 
finally disposed of by the second mate, who put himself 
in the attitude of a shoulder-striker and laid him at his 
length in an undignified position in the lee-scupper.* 

It was then that the dancers from the ball-room rushed 
upon deck. These — ladies and all — laid hold on the 
ropes ; and under the direction of the officers the canvas 
was taken in, and the vessel was relieved from'her peril- 
ous situation and brought before the wind. 

“ Great praise is due to the petticoats,” said the Pro- 
fessor, “ who, by laying aside their modesty and climbing 
into the rigging, materially assisted in saving the ship.” 

“ The women have behaved like men,” said Toney. 

“Let us drink their health,” said Tom. 

“ That proposition is carried unanimously,” said Toney. 
And they proceeded to the cabin and toasted the ladies 
over a bottle of wine. 


224 


THE FUNNY rHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER XXXYIII. 

“ Mr. Pate seems to be profoundly meditating* upon 
the immensity of the water contained in the ocean,” said 
the Professor, one afternoon, as he pointed to Pate, who 
was leaning over the bulwarks apparently in a condition 
of mental abstraction. 

“ It is probable that he is now calculating how long a 
period it would take to pump the Atlantic dry,” said 
Toney. 

“ Land ho !” cried a loud voice in the direction of the 
forecastle. 

There was a general rush forward at this announce- 
ment; and on the bow stood Peter, pointing with ex- 
tended arm to some object which he asserted was land. 
But nobody could see it except himself ; and Moses soon 
became skeptical, and finally declared that the fellow was 
a fool. This he demonstrated from the fact that Peter 
kept pointing to a dim cloud, about as big as the crown 
of his hat, with the absurd affirmation that it was terra 
firma. The opinion of Moses was warmly supported by 
M. T. Pate and others, who promulgated it with consid- 
erable emphasis. But Peter still stood at his post point- 
ing prophetically afar off, and he now had Old Nick at 
his elbow, who stoutly corroborated all that he had 
uttered. 

In the mean while the vessel, borne along by the breeze, 
kept steadily on her way, and the little cloud loomed 
larger on the horizon, and gradually grew more and more 
distinct. The almost imperceptible shade deepened into 
a substantial blue, and finally brightened into a beautiful 
green, and Cape Frio became plainly visible. 

The prospect of soon getting on shore caused much ex- 
citement in the cabin, after supper, and considerable con- 
viviality. 

After partaking of several glasses of wine, the Profes- 
sor turned to Toney and Tom, and gravely remarked, — 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


225 


“ We are informed, by the highest authority on the sub- 
ject, that there is a very great difference between ebrius 
and ebriolus. It is not becoming in one of the Funny 
Philosophers to be anything more than ebriolus. Let us 
leave these devotees of Bacchus to their orgies in honor 
of the god of the grape, and go upon deck.’’ 

“ Come !” said Toney. “ I have no wish to carry a 
headache on shore with me to-morrow.” 

“ Nor I,” said Tom, ascending the companion-ladder. 

They walked forward until they came to the cook’s 
galley, when the Professor stopped suddenly and ex- 
claimed, pointing to a hog which had been butchered and 
hung up with its head downward, — 

“ Here has been a bloody deed 1” 

“ Not a homicide ?” said Toney. 

“No; a suicide,” said Tom. 

“ Let your puns be in plain English,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ Latin puns are too obscure,” said Toney. 

“ Mr. Seddon must atone for this offense by doing 
penance,” said the Professor. 

“ In what way ?” asked Tom. 

“ You must immediately climb into the rigging and run 
a rope around the foretop-gallant yard,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ What’s your purpose ?” asked Toney. 

“ To suspend this deceased porker from the masthead,” 
said the Professor. 

“ We will have fun,” said Tom. 

“ Fun is the true philosophy of life,” said the Profes- 
sor. 

Tom did as directed, and in a few moments the porker 
rapidly ascended and was lashed to the masthead. The 
Professor then walked to the bow, where was seated Old 
Nick, telling a wonderful yarn to Tim, who was smoking 
his pipe. 

“ On the Gold Coast six months. The niggers brought 
us gold-dust in quills. One day their duke died.” 

“ Have the negroes dukes among them ?” asked Toney. 

“ Their head-man. They put all his wives and slaves 
in a pen.” 


226 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ What for?” asked Tom. 

“ To knock them on the head and bury them with the 
duke. Never heard such howling. One nigger jumped 
over the pen, ran down to the shore, and swam to the 
ship. They came around in canoes after him. Captain 
told me to throw him overboard. Had to obey orders. 
They took him ashore and knocked him on the head with 
clubs. Next night I was on the beach. Something 
jumped right up before me and grinned in my face. 
Looked like the big nigger I had pitched overboard.” 

“ I thought they had knocked him on the head,” said 
Toney. 

“ His ghost. It gave a whoop and jumped clean over 
my head, and then jumped back again.” 

Like a circus-rider,” said Tom. 

“ Kept jumping back and forth over my head, whoop- 
ing and grinning. I got mad, and struck at it with a stick. 
Jerked stick from my hand and beat me over the back 
with it. I grabbed at the tarnal ghost, and if I could 
have got a grip on it I’d downed it. Couldn’t hold it ; 
got scared.” 

“No wonder,” said Toney. “Any man would have 
been scared with this great ugly bugaboo whooping and 
yelling, and jumping backward and forward over his head, 
and beating him with his own cane.” 

“ Ran for the boat. Ghost followed me. Priest had 
come ashore in the boat with a bottle of holy water in 
his pocket. He flung it in the critter’s face, when it gave 
a whoop and vamosed.” 

“ You infernal thieves !” said the cook, coming forward 
with a large butcher’s knife in his hand and confronting 
the sailors, “what have you done with my hog ?” 

“ Didn’t touch your hog,” said Old Nick. 

“ Don’t be lying there,” said the ireful cook. “You 
have stolen that hog and hid it in the forecastle. Not 
a taste of lobscouse will you lubbers get until you 
give up my hog. I’ll cut off your rations, you blasted 
rogues ! I’d like to^ee one of you get any duff for his 
dinner on Sundays, after this.” 

The sailors were alarmed, for the cook is the great man 
on shipboard. They humbly protested their innocence, 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


22*1 


but were sternly denounced as liars and thieves who had 
stolen the porker, intended for the passengers’ dinner, and 
hidden it in the forecastle. As the cook was brandishing 
his knife, and growing more violent in his denunciations, 
he was startled by hearing loud squeals overhead. The 
sounds were like the shrill cries of a large hog which was 
having a knife plunged into his throat. 

“ Great thunder 1” exclaimed Tom. 

The cook and the sailors gazed upward with looks of 
amazement. 

There was a reiteration of loud squeals. The cook 
dropped his knife and ran into his galley. The sailors 
fled with precipitation, until they reached the quarter- 
deck. Tom Seddon stood gazing upward, while Toney 
whispered to the Professor. 

“ Yes,i’ said the Professor, “ a faculty occasionally ex- 
ercised. It must be a profound secret.” 

Shall I tell Tom V 

“ Whisper it to him, and warn him to be reticent.” 

Toney whispered to Tom, who nodded his head and 
seemed to comprehend. 

“ You lying lubbers !” said the mate, coming forward, 
followed by the sailors. “ Telling your yarns about a 
hog in the ” 

Here there was a succession of loud squeals from the 
masthead. The hog deemed to be in great agony. The 
sailors fled to the stern, and the mate rushed into the 
captain’s cabin. The captain came forward. The squeals 
were louder and more prolonged. The mate trembled and 
turned pale. 

What is it?” said the captain. 

“ The cook killed a hog and hung it alongside his 
galley, and the devil has carried it up there I’^ said the 
mate, pointing to the masthead. 

“ The devil is in the habit of getting into hogs,” said 
Toney. 

“ He once got into a whole herd of swine,” said Tom. 

“ There is Scripture for that,” said the mate. 

“ I must have that hog down,” said the captain. 
<<Here — Nick — Tim — Peter — Paul! up to the masthead 
and lower the hog 1” 


228 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


Not a man would stir. The crew loudly swore that 
they would not go up there for any captain that ever trod 
a quarter-deck. 

“ You go up,” said the captain to the mate. 

“Nary time,” said the mate. “My business is to 
navigate the ship, — not to fight the devil. You go up.” 

The captain laid hold on a rope, and was about to 
a.scend, when loud squeals were heard, and cries of 
“ Murder ! murder I murder !” from the masthead. The 
captain let go his hold and fell on the deck. 

“ There are more than a dozen devils up there I” 
shouted the mate. 

“ What’s to be done ?” said the captain, rising on his 
feet and looking aghast. 

“ Let them alone until we get into port, and then hire 
a lot of priests to sprinkle the ship with holy water,” 
said the mate. 

“ I’ll have her swabbed with barrels of holy water I” 
exclaimed the captain. 

“ Thank God, it is daylight,” said the mate. 

It was now morning, and the ship sailed on, and was 
soon abreast of the castle of Santa Cruz. 

“ American ship ahoy I” was shouted through a trum- 
pet from the ramparts. 

“ Hello 1” was the response from the deck. 

“ How many days did you come from ?” 

“ Baltimore — forty-two.” 

“ All right!” And the vessel glided along, and, passing 
the Sugar-Loaf, soon anchored in the spacious and beau- 
tiful harbor of the Brazilian metropolis, with the hog at 
her masthead. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


229 


CHAPTER XXXIX. 

“Why does your captain carry that hog at his mast- 
head * 

This question was asked by a midshipman who came 
alongside in a boat and was recognized by Toney and 
the Professor as a former acquaintance. They and Tom 
Seddon were seated in the boat and about to go ashore. 

“ Every man has his idiosyncrasies,” said the Pro- 
fessor. “ Yan Tromp sailed through the British Channel 
with a broom at his masthead ; and our captain never 
enters a harbor without a hog hanging on his foretop- 
gallant yard. 

“Yan Tromp’s broom was a symbol of victory,” said 
the young officer. 

“ And our captain’s hog is a symbol of good living,” 
said the Professor. 

“ He wishes to have it known that, while other vessels 
come into port on short rations, he carries an abundance 
of grub wherever he goes,” said Toney. 

“ He must be an eccentric old codger,” said the middy. 

“ He is, indeed,” said the Professor. 

“ Here we are,” said the middy. And he sprang on 
shore, followed by his three friends, whose sea-legs were 
of very little use to them ; for they staggered about as 
if they had freely participated in the conviviality of the 
preceding night and still sensibly felt its effects. They 
managed at length to waddle along with the earth appa- 
rently rocking and rolling under their feet, and finally 
reached Pharoux’s Hotel in Palace Square, where com- 
fortable quarters were secured. 

On the following morning the Professor, in company 
with his three friends and M. T. Pate, walked forth into 
the Square. As they passed in front of the Palace, the 
negro sentinel, with a staid demeanor, was pacing to and 
fro, while squads of his sable comrades lounged around, 
like lazy black dogs, basking in the sun. 

“Look at that gigantic American standing among the 
20 


230 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


Brazilian soldiers who seem like pigmies by comparison,” 
said the midshipman. 

“ It is Hercules,” said the Professor. 

“ Or Goliath of Gath,” said the midshipman. ‘‘ Do 
you know him 2” 

“ He came out in our ship,” said Toney. 

“ If your captain carried many such giants on board, I 
wonder that he had a spare porker to hang at his mast- 
head.” 

‘‘ Hercules seems to be on terms of intimacy with those 
black guards of the House of Braganza,” said Toney. 

“ No punning now, if you please ; we are on land,” said 
the Professor. 

“ But on foreign land, where the points of our puns can- 
not be perceived by the natives,” said Toney. 

“Your apology is perfectly satisfactoiy,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“ Let us see what Hercules is going to do,” said Tom 
Seddon. 

They approached, and stood in close proximity to the 
tail of his coat. He had taken a musket from the hands 
of a grinning Brazilian of African descent, and, pointing 
to the flint lock, with a sagacious shake of his noddle, in- 
formed him that he was far behind the age ; at the same 
time expatiating on the manifest superiority of the percus- 
sion principle. To the instruction of this able tactician 
the soldiers, although unable to comprehend a word of 
English, seemed to be listening with profound attention, 
when a loud laugh from Toney and Tom interrupted this 
morning’s first lesson. 

In the course of their wandering through the town they 
came to a navy-yard, where they saw several vessels in 
an interesting condition of rottenness. While examining 
these hulks, an astonishing confusion of tongues was heard 
in their rear ; and, turning around, they beheld a fellow as 
black as Beelzebub, who wore an officer’s uniform and was 
endeavoring to hold a colloquy with M. T. Pate, who 
listened and replied with an amiable condescension; but, 
as neither understood a word that was addressed to him, 
the utterance of each was an enigma to the other. The 
Prufessor winked at Toney, and then gravely remarked, 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


231 


“ Mr. Pate, this negro is doubtless begging for a dump,” — ^ 
a huge copper coin of the value of several cents, which the 
Brazilians have invented for the convenience of commerce. 

Pate, who in his own country was of Southern birth and 
accustomed to negroes solely in a menial capacity, drew 
forth a ponderous dump from his pocket, and bestowing it 
upon the officer of his Imperial Majesty with a benevolent 
smile, went on his way, leaving the object of his benefac- 
tion astounded by this evidence of his generosity. 

As they proceeded up a street they encountered a pair 
of sturdy Africans carrying a sedan-cliair attached to a 
couple of poles. Its sides were surrounded with gaudy 
curtains, for the protection of the timid sehorita seated 
within from the bold gaze of the common multitude. Walk- 
ing behind it were Botts, Old Grizzly, and the Long Green 
Boy, who appeared to have attached themselves to the pro- 
cession as a committee of investigation ; while, ranging 
up alongside, like a vigilant cruiser about to overhaul a 
suspicious craft in quest of a contraband cargo, was the 
adventurous Moses in a prodigious state of excitement, 
staring at the object of his amazement with dilated eyes, 
in blissful ignorance of his dangerous proximity to a 
petticoat. But great was his consternation when informed 
that there was a young lady behind the curtain. He 
started back with a terrified expression ; and the Professor 
afterwards said that had not his limbs failed him, and his 
knees come in collision, like bones in the hands of an 
Ethiopian serenader, they would have been entertained 
with the sight of a desperate fugitive darting up the street 
with the caudal appendage to his coat taking a horizontal 
projection as he hurried along. 

Having during the day visited various localities in the 
city, they returned to the hotel, and on the following 
morning proceeded on an expedition to the Imperial 
gardens. They rode in a huge omnibus drawn by foftr 
couples of mules, and navigated by four adventurous 
natives, each seated on the back of one of the animals, 
with prodigious rowels on his heels, which seemed to in- 
dicate a ruthless determination to gore out the vitals of 
the beast if he showed the least signs of a refractory 
disposition, and dared to dispute the supremacy of the 


232 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


rider. Under the shade of cocoa- and coffee-trees they 
rumbled over the road, and at length arrived at the gates 
of the gardens. 

This inclosure, equal in area to a large farm, was cul- 
tivated with great care and filled with every variety of 
, flowers and fruitage. At intervals, among the trees, 
were fanciful little tenements for the accommodation of 
those whose business it was to plant and to prune. 

Tom Seddon became poetic, and declared that they had 
discovered a paradise in which an Adam and Eve were 
probably then dwelling in immortal youth and innocence. 

After exploring the gardens for several hours, the Pro- 
fessor seated himself in a beautiful arbor, and, while the 
gorgeous butterflies and birds of variegated and mag- 
nificent plumage were flitting around him, he sang : 

The op’ning rose doth brightly glow 
With pearly dews of even. 

Like a fragment fall’n from yonder bow, 

Which hangeth like Hope in the heaven. 

And gayly on a golden wing, 

At the sweet evening hour, 

The humming-bird comes like a fairy thing 
To flit round the beautiful flower. 

Oh, be not like that-humming bird 
Around the sweet rose roving. 

That is ling’ring there, while e’er is heard 
The breezes of summer moving. 

But when the chilly blast has blown 
And wint’ry storms are brewing. 

He flieth away to a milder zone. 

And leaveth it then to its ruin; 

Be like that bird we oft have seen. 

Whose mellow notes were ringing 
Among the willows when all was green, 

, And flowers around us were springing. 

And when those boughs are all stript bare, 

By wint’ry storms o’ertaken, 

That faithful bird is still ling’ring there, 

Nor hath ever that spot forsaken. 

“ A song from Mr. Seddon,” cried the Professor, as he 
concluded his own melody. Tom sang as follows ; 


OR WAGS AND SWEETUEARTS. 


233 


Though many days have vanished 
Sinee last I sighed adieu, 

Yet time has never banished 
The love I feel for you ; 

Though many leagues now sever, 

Yet I forget thee never ; — 

True love grows the stronger 
As it endures the longer. 

Though absence bringeth sorrow 
Upon the soul like night. 

Yet on that night a morrow 
Shall shed its golden light, — 

And hope’s lone star shall burn, love, 

Brightly till I return, love. 

And in thy smile discover 
That night’s last gloom is over. 

\ 

“ Poor Tom is thinking of Ida,’’ said the Professor, in 
a whisper to Toney, as Tom turned aside and furtively 
wiped away a tear that stood in his eye. 

“ How can he help thinking of her ?” said Toney. 

“And Rosabel?” said the Professor. 

“ Do you suppose,” said Toney, “ that I ever forget 
her ? I am mirthful, for it does not become a true man 
to be moody and melancholy. But I never forget.” 

“Nor does it become one of the Funny Philosophers 
to sport with such feelings,” said the Professor, visibly 
affected. “ 1 do not forget Dora.” 

“ Do you not ?” 

“No; though she has long since forgotten me,” said 
the Professor, sadly. 

“ A song from Mr. Perch,” exclaimed a voice in the 
crowd, and in plaintive tones the Long Green Boy gave 
utterance to the following melody : 


Oh, give me now the heart that thou once stole away from me 
When list’ning to thy treacherous vow beneath the greenwood tree ; 
The flowers then bloomed above the ground, fanned by the breath of 
spring ; 

The humming-bird was sporting round upon a purple wing. 

The gentle May hath passed away, the rose-leaves all are dead ; 

That faithless humming-bird so gay on wanton wing hath fled. 

Nor cometh there to mourn their fate, but seeks a southern sun; 

And thou hast left me desolate, thou false and cruel one. 

20 * 


234 the funny philosophers , 

“ Perci is thinking of the beautiful Imogen and the 
scene in Colonel Hazlewood’s garden,” said Toney to 
the Professor. “ Neither you nor he seem to have a very 
favorable opinion of the humming-bird.” 

“The little creature always reminds one of a fickle 
beauty, and Perch and I are forsaken lovers ; each hav- 
ing felt the full force of a negative. But what is Her- 
cules about to do ?” 

The giant had seated himself under the shade of a 
blooming bough, and for the first, and probably for the 
last time, until translated to a happier sphere, was en- 
deavoring to give vent to the blissful emotions of his 
soul by attempting the execution of a difficult piece of 
music; in stentorian tones invoking a certain Susannah 
and imploring her on no account to weep for him. As 
with the voice of a Cyclops, at the close of each stanza, 
he bellowed forth, — 

Ob, Susannah ! don’t you cry for me ! 

I’m going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee !” 


the whole party gathered around him and listened in 
breathless wonder. At length the Professor remarked, — 

“ What a pity it is that Susannah is not now present!” 

“ Do you think she would stop her crying ?” said 
Toney. 

“I imagine she would,” said the Professor. “Unless 
the young lady’s perception of the ludicrous is very ob- 
tuse, I cannot help thinking that the musical invocation 
of Hercules would have the desired effect.” 

“ Will that big fellow never cease his bellowing ?” 
asked the midshipman. 

“ Not until he has sung the last verse,” said Tom Sed- 
don ; “ and the song is longer than the ninety-seventh 
selection of Psalms as versified by Sternhold and Hop- 
kins.” 

“ He has already finished a multitude of staves,” said 
Toney. 

“Enough to make himself a butt,” said the Professor. 

“ That is an atrocious pun,i’ said Toney ; “ and perpe- 
trated on dry land.” 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


235 


“ But on foreign land, and in the Emperor’s gardens,” 
said the Professor. 

“ Very true,” said Toney ; “ you escape with impunity ; 
being on Brazilian soil.” 

‘‘ Let us be off!” said Tom Seddon ; “ the sun is get- 
ting low.” 

“ And come back for Hercules to-morrow. We will 
find him concluding the last stanza,” said Toney. 

“Will he sing all night?” asked the midshipman. 

“ Hercules has great powers of endurance,” said the 
Professor. 

“ Come I” said Tom Seddon. And the party started 
for the omnibus ; when Hercules arose and followed, still 
singing his interminable melody. 

The sun had disappeared behind the horizon and the 
full moon had arisen in all her magnificence long before 
they reached the suburbs of the city. As they rode along 
listening to the chimes of the church bells, which in 
Catholic countries are sounding every evening, the voice 
of Hercules was heard, at intervals, bellowing forth, — 

“The bulgine burst, the horse run oflf ; I thought I’d surely die ! 

I shut nay eyes to hold my breath ; Susannah, don’t you cry ! 

Oh, Susannah, don’t you cry for me ! 

I’m going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee !” 


CHAPTER XL. 

Upon returning to the city, M. T. Pate met with a 
misfortune, which gave him sad affliction when he after- 
wards came to reflect upon his folly. He had throughout 
the whole course of his life been a very temperate man, 
and on Sundays was exceedingly pious. But he and Her- 
cules were now seduced hy a party of dissolute fellows, 
who kept them in a state of inebriation for several days. 
In fact, Hercules got profoundly intoxicated, and continued 
in that condition until he .was carried on board the ship 
when she was about to sail ; while Pate became bois- 


236 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


terous aud broke a number of goblets and decanters, and 
even challenged the proprieter of the hotel to a pugilistic 
combat. The latter earnestly implored the interposition 
of Toney Belton, who, upon going to Pate’s room, found 
him standing in the midst of a number of boon -com- 
panions, with a bottle in his grasp, making as much noise 
as was possible by bellowing forth the following baccha- 
nalian melody : 

The ruby wine sparkles so bright in the bowl, 

To pleasure it seems to invite; 

And, by heavens, I vow he's a pitiful soul 
Who scorneth our revels to night. 

Let sages discourse on the follies of man, 

And learnedly talk of his woes ; 

But, boys, we’ll be happy whilever we can,— 

So toss off the goblet! — here goes ! 

Oh, why should we mourn o’er the sorrows of earth. 

And turn from its pleasures away ? 

He’s wiser by far who turns sorrow to mirth. 

And tastes of life’s joys while he may. 

When all that the sages have taught is summed up, 

Can it lessen one moment our woes ? 

Oh, no ! but they linger not over the cup, — 

So toss off the goblet ! — here goes ! 


When this song was concluded, Toney began to express 
his astonishment at Pate’s conduct, but his voice was 
soon drowned by several fellows loudly singing, — 


Silvery dews are falling lightly. 

Golden stars are twinkling brightly, 
Now’s the hour when Pleasure greets us. 
Round the festive board she meets us. 
When we mingle heart and soul 
O’er the flowing, foaming bowl. 


But, Mr. Pate, you will be sorry for this when ” 


Farewell now to care and sorrow ! 

They our moments ne’er shall borrow ; — 
We, the joyous sons of folly. 

Leave to sages melancholy, 

When we mingle heart and soul 
O’er the flowing, foaming bowl. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETDEARTS. 


237 


“Yes, this is fine fun,” said Toney; “but after awhile 
you will have trouble, and ” 

If the ills of life surround us, 

If misfortune’s arrows wound us, 

Still a balm we may discover 
In the bumper running over, 

When we mingle heart and soul 
O’er the flowing, foaming bowl. 


“By heavens, you ought to have a strait -jacket I” 
said Toney. “ Ain’t you a pretty picture ? — standing 
there with your coat off and your breeches rent in the 
rear I I wish some of the ladies whom you used to be 

making love to could novv see ” 

\ 

Cupid is a treacherous urchin, 

With his darts each bosom searching ; 

If we’ve false and cruel found him. 

On the bumper’s brim we’ll drown him. 

When we mingle heart and soul 
O’er the flowing, foaming bowl. 


“ Pate, you’ll be singing another song to-morrow, 
when ” 

Fortune, whom we’ve trusted blindly. 

She may deal with us unkindly ; 

At her freaks we’re lightly laughing. 

As the bright wine we are quaffing. 

When we mingle heart and soul 
O’er the flowing, foaming bowl. 


“ You are as crazy as a bedlamite I” exclaimed Toney. 
“ When you come to your senses, you will consider this 
the greatest misfortune that ” 

Glorious rainbows, shine forever 
O’er misfortune’s clouds, and never 
Fade away from a good fellow 
In his glasses growing mellow. 

When we mingle heart and soul 
O’er the flowing, foaming bowl. 

“Well, go ahead!” said Toney, turning on his heels. 
“ Go ahead, if you think there is no hereafter ” 


Give the night to song and laughter, — 
Care may come, perchance, hereafter j — 


238 • the funny philosophers. 


We will linger till the morning 
Smileth with a rosy warning, 

When we’ll mingle heart and soul 
O’er a flowing, parting bowl. 

Pate continued to conduct himself in this outrageous 
manner, notwithstanding the repeated and earnest re- 
monstrances of his friends, until the morning on which the 
vessel was to sail, when the Professor found him, with a 
rueful countenance, sitting on the stool of repentance. They 
proceeded to the office of the hotel to settle their bills. 

In Brazil they have an imaginary coin, corresponding 
to the mill of our decimal currency, in which, when 
making out a bill, they compute the amount, putting 
before the sum charged the identical mark which is pre- 
fixed to the Federal dollar, so that a stranger, whose 
debit is ten dollars, sees on the bill $10,000. The Pro- 
fessor was aware of this mode of computation, but M. T. 
Pate was not. The latter was therefore utterly astounded 
when his bill was handed to him, and he saw charged on 
it $55,000. Pate turned deadly pale when he perceived 
the heavy sum he was expected to pay; and Toney and 
the Professor took him aside and told him that, while so 
dreadfully intoxicated, he had broken and destroyed much 
valuable property in the hotel, and that the damage was 
charged in the bill. Pate was now shocked at the con- 
setiuences of bis indiscretion, and exclaimed, — 

“ Oh, that a man should be such a fool I” 

“ As to pvit an enemy in his mouth to steal away his 
brains,” said the Professor. 

“ What am 1 to do ?” cried Pate. 

“ Pay the bill,” said Toney. 

“1 cannot. It is impossible for me to pay so large a 
sum of money,” said Pate. 

“ I am sorry for that,” said the Professor. “ In Brazil 
there is imprisonment for debt.” 

“ What?” exclaimed Pate, in extreme terror. 

“ There is imprisonment for debt in this country,” said 
the Professor ; “ and if you do not pay the bill, the pro- 
prietor of the hotel will have you put in the calaboose.” 

“ Where you may have to remain during your whole 
life,” said Toney. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


239 


“ Oh ! oh I’’ cried Pate, looking as pale as a ghost. 
“ What — what shall I do 

“ Get the nioney and pay the bill,” said Toney. 

“ I cannot — I cannot I” said Pate, perspiring from 
every pore. 

“ This is a great calamity,” said the Professor. “ Only 
to think of a man having to spend, perhaps, forty years 
of his life in prison !” 

“ To end his days in a dungeon !’^ said Toney, sadly. 

“ Gentlemen — gentlemen ! what — what shall I do 
exclaimed Pate, groaning piteously. 

“ Toney,” said the Professor, “ an expedient suggests 
itself to niy mind, but I am doubtful of its propriety.” 

“ What is it ?” asked Toney. 

“ Do you think that it would be morally wrong for Mr. 
Pate to take French leave ?” 

“ I do not,” said Toney, “ He cannot pay the bill, 
and unless he escapes as speedily as possible he may have 
to die in prison. A man may do anything to preserve 
his liberty. Besides, when Mr. Pate returns from Cali- 
fornia with his gold, he can stop at Rio and pay the bill.” 

“ I will ! I will !” exclaimed Pate. “ I will pay every 
dollar of it !” 

“ Come here, Mr. Pate,” said the Professor. And he 
and Toney conducted him to the street and pointed 
towards the harbor. 

“ Run !” said the Professor. 

“ Run ! — run !” exclaimed Toney. 

“ Run, Pate ! — run !” cried Tom Seddon, who had fol- 
lowed them out. 

The delinquent debtor looked around to see if his ruth- 
less creditor was watching him, and then darted down 
the street and ran at full speed until he reached the 
water’s edge, when he leaped into a boat, and told the 
men to row as fast as they could for the ship. In the 
mean while Toney and the Professor returned to the oflBce 
of the hotel and quietly settled the bill with the contents 
of Pate’s purse, which they had taken from his pocket 
w^hile he was intoxicated, and still retained in their pos- 
session for safe keeping. 

When M. T. Pate came near the ship, he beheld the 


240 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


extraordinary spectacle of a human body rising from the 
surface of the water and hanging high in the air, with 
its arms and legs desperately striking out, as if seeking 
to test, by a practical experiment, the possibility of swim- 
ming in that uncertain element. After dangling over the 
deck for a short space of time, it disappeared behind the 
bulwarks. 

Pate witnessed the awful spectacle with a feeling of 
intense horror. 

“ Great heavens!” he exclaimed, “has the captain taken 
upon himself the responsibility of ordering an execution? 
What a daring exercise of arbitrary power I It is danger- 
ous to go on board ! The brutal tyrant might hang any 
of his passengers !” 

He was about to order the men to row back to the shore 
when he recollected the danger which there awaited him. 
He was between Scylla and Charybdis. In the mean while 
the Brazilian boatmen, who, with their backs towards the 
ship and their ignorance of the English language, neither 
witnessed the startling phenomenon nor understood the 
meaning of Pate’s exclamation, vigorously plied their oars, 
and soon brought the boat to the vessel’s side. Pale with 
terror and trembling in every joint, Pate looked up and 
beheld a number of passengers on deck laughing immoder- 
ately. Their mirth convinced him that no tragedy had 
been enacted, and he went on board, where he learned 
that Hercules had been captured on shore and brought 
alongside lying in the boat in a helpless condition super- 
induced by inebriation. A perplexing consultation among 
his captors was cut short by Old Nick, who, having made 
ready a rope, leaped into the boat, and putting a stout 
band around the body of the giant, hooked on, — and up 
he went, with his imperfectly articulated maledictions 
mingling with the hearty “ Heave ho !” of Peter and Paul, 
who were hoisting him on deck. 

Thus was Hercules held up as an example to all evil- 
doers ; and when the Professor reached the ship, and was 
informed of the circumstance, he gravely remarked that 
men who were so imprudent as to indulge in the excessive 
use of strong drinks would sometimes become wonderfully 
elevated. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


241 


CHAPTER XLI. 

The mortification of M. T. Pate at having been -com- 
pelled to leave the Brazilian Empire as an absconding 
debtor was intense, and he was now teased and tormented 
by his comrades in the most unmerciful manner. 

They told him that as soon as his ruthless creditor 
discovered his flight he would apply to the Emperor for 
redress, who would dispatch a swift-sailing man-of-war 
to capture him ; and that he would be carried back and 
imprisoned in the calaboose until he had paid the last 
dump of the debt. Whenever a sail hove in sight, some 
one would cry out, “ There comes the Brazilian vessel in 
pursuit of Pate when all would advise him to secrete 
himself in the hold of the ship, and said that they would 
inform the captain of the man-of-war that he had unfor- 
tunately fallen overboard when off Cape Frio. 

He was so worried by these pitiless jokes that he be- 
came misanthropic, and finally refused to associate with 
any of the passengers. He would leave the cabin, where 
at night there were usually much fun and merriment, 
and where he was sure to be the butt of some cruel jest, 
and, going upon deck, would seat himself upon a stool 
and brood in solitude over his misery, until he was in a 
sound sleep. 

One night there was a dead calm upon the waters, and 
not a sound was heard except the flapping of a sail as 
the ship rolled over a wave, or the monotonous notes 
which proceeded from the perforations in the nasal pro- 
tuberance of the melancholy Pate, who had fallen asleep 
as he sat on his stool. But suddenly there is an un- 
natural noise, and a frightful fluttering overhead, and 
down it comes — a ghostlike creature ! — long, lean, and 
spectral ! — with two gigantic wings beating wildly about! 
With a chorus of strange cries it tumbles upon deck, 
upsetting the unlucky Pate, who with a loud yell of 
terror, rolls over and over into the scupper ; while Peter 
and Paul, headed by Old Nick, rush thither and mingle 

21 


242 


TEE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


with a crowd of passengers who come from the cabin. 
And tliere they behold poor Pate lying on his back in 
the scupper, and yelling “murder,” with the strength of 
his lungs; while over him stands Moses, glorying in his 
achievement. IJe had espied a booby-bird roosting upon 
the mainyard, and with a catlike stej:) crept up and 
etlected its capture. And thus the sudden and unex- 
])ected descent of the two boobies upon the deck was the 
cause of all this commotion. The position of Pate, as 
he lay on his b*ick in the scupper, bawling “murder!” 
with the booby beating him with its wing, was exceed- 
ingly ludicrous. He was now teased until he was driven 
to the border of desperation. Tom Seddou had, with 
thoughtless levity, revealed the existence of the Mystic 
Brotherhood, and made known the fact that M. T. Pate 
was the Noble Grand Gander of the order. After this 
revelation there was no more peace for poor Pate on 
board the ship. At the table some one would call out in 
a loud voice and inquire if the Noble Grand Gander 
would be helped to a piece of the duff, when there would 
be a general roar of laughter. In the morning, when he 
came from his bunk, many would inquire, with mock re- 
spect, after the health of the Noble Grand Gander. And 
now, in the unfortunate affair with the booby, the pas- 
sengers generally expressed their profound regret that 
the great American Gander had been overthrown by a 
Brazilian booby. 

In the mean while the ship sailed on ; the weather 
gradually grew colder, and the three curious spots in the 
heavens, called the Clouds of Magellan, were visible at 
night, and indicated an approximation to the coast of 
Patagonia. 

The Professor had a sympathy for Pate, and would 
sometimes endeavor to alleviate his sufferings by cheerful 
conversation. They were one day standing on deck con- 
versing about the Clouds of Magellan, and the Professor 
was suggesting the propriety of sending up an artist in 
a balloon to paint them red, white, and blue, so that the 
American colors might hang over these regions in anti- 
cipation of their annexatio!i to the great republic, when 
, they heard the voice of Moses exclaiming, — 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


243 


“ Look yonder !” 

“ What is it ?” said Pate, pointing to an enormous 
creature sailing through the air and coming towards the 
ship. 

“ It is one of the Clouds of Magellan riding on the back 
of Old Boreas,” said the Professor. 

“ No,” cried Tom Seddon, “ it is the gigantic ghost of 
the poor booby coming to haunt Moses for the deep 
damnation of his taking off.” 

The optical orbs of Moses expanded wider and wider, 
as the form of the winged monster loomed larger and 
larger, until, with a flap of its tremendous pinions, it 
came alongside, and, after several times sweeping around 
the ship, finally settled down on the water in the wake. 

The Professor having ascertained that this object, on 
which Moses w^as gazing with wonder and awe, was an 
albatross, attached a piece of pork to a line and threw it 
overboard, with an invitation to the stranger to lay hold, 
so that he might hoist him on board. The gigantic bird 
eagerly accepted the invitation, and snatching the delicious 
morsel in his beak, held on with a pertinacity which indi- 
cated his appreciation of the prize. And now he was seen 
to stretch out his neck with an extraordinary projection, 
and his huge body following it at a run, beating the water 
with two enormous wings, over the poop he came, with 
a tremendous fluttering, and down on the deck, where he 
stood like a prodigious goose, wholly unable to define his 
position. 

The creature walked the deck with a curious stare, until 
coming in proximity to M. T. Pate, it stopped and gazed 
in his face, when some wicked wag cried out, — 

“ Put a saddle and bridle on him, Mr. Pate.” 

“ By all means,” cried another passenger ; “ and if the 
Brazilian man-of-war should overhaul the vessel, you can 
ride away on the back of your winged courser and easily 
effect your escape.” 

These suggestions so irritated Pate that he suddenly 
seized a handspike and dealt the albatross a blow, the 
lethal effects of which laid it a lifeless corpse at his feet. 
There was a loud hurrah for the Noble Grand Gander, 


244 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


and Pate, boiling with indignation, walked forward and 
leaned against the forecastle. 

He was now sternly denounced by Old Nick, who told 
him, in emphatic terms, that he would never have any 
more good luck as long as he lived ; and Peter and Paul 
coincided with him in the prediction. Not many moments 
elapsed before these vaticinations of ill fortune began to 
be verified. Neptune, with indignation, had beheld the 
murderous deed, and prepared a fitting punishment. He 
sent a huge wave, which broke over the bow with a crash. 
The sailors saw it coming and sprang into the rigging ; 
while the assassin of the albatross was knocked off his feet 
and went wallowing into the scupper. Amidst loud and 
boisterous laughter, M. T. Pate hurried into the cabin 
with a stream of salt-water flowing from the tail of his 
coat ; while a number of voices commenced singing, — 


“ A life on the ocean wave, 

A home on the rolling deep,” etc. 


A few days subsequent to these events, they came in 
sight of Tierra del Fuego ; and as the ship ran down 
within a league of the shore, there was a suggestion that 
the officers had determined to leave the slayer of the alba- 
tross on this desolate coast ; being afraid to venture round 
the Horn with such a Jonalron board. The Professor 
told Pate to pay no attention to these remarks, as the cap- 
tain had a cousin who had emigrated to this part of the 
world and opened a hotel, and he was going to take the 
passengers on shore and give a “general treat.” But the 
ship stood away to the south, and, followed by clouds of 
Cape pigeons and albatrosses, went rolling around the 
Horn, and after a rough controversy with old ocean, which 
lasted for several weeks, eventually came in sight of the 
Island of Juan Fernandez. 

Several of the passengers expressed an opinion that the 
captain would now put Pate on shore, and said that he 
would have to live here in solitude and clad in goats’ skins 
like Alexander Selkirk. But the vessel sailed on, and the 
peaks of the famous island were soon hid behind the 
horizon ; and this was their last sight of terra Jirma until 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


245 


they beheld the tops of the Andes, and soon afterwards 
entered the harbor of Callao. 

“ There was a scene of revelry by night” in the cabin, 
like that which had preceded their landing on Brazilian 
soil. The Professor, with Toney and Tom, remained on 
deck until the sounds of conviviality had ceased, and then 
proceeded to “turn in.” 

“ What is this ?” said Tom Seddon, coming in contact 
with a huge head hanging over the side of a hammock. 

“ It is a remarkable case of suspended animation,” said 
the Professor. 

“ Hercules has again become wonderfully elevated,” 
said Toney. 

“ And has turned Wiggins out of his hammock,” said 
Tom. 

“ Old Grizzly and M. T. Pate seem to prefer the floor,” 
said Toney, pointing to the two individuals named, who 
were lying supinely on their backs by the side of a sea- 
chest under the hammock. 

“ Hercules seems to be hovering over them like a be- 
nignant spirit with the most benevolent intentions,” said 
the Professor ; and he and his two friends passed on, and, 
stowing themselves away in their bunks, were awaiting 
the approach of “ tired nature’s sweet restorer,” when a 
hideous howl, like the outcry of a wounded dragon, rang 
through the cabin. A score of startled passengers leaped 
hurriedly up, and rushing forward beheld the catastrophe. 
Hercules had pitched headforemost from his hammock, 
and precipitating himself first on the sea-chest, had rolled 
over, and covered with his huge body the prostrated forms 
of Old Grizzly and M. T. Pate. 

Unable to account for his sudden descent, and wholly 
confounded by his fall, he was giving utterance to his 
emotions in a succession of diabolical howls. 

Old Grizzly slowly arose, and assuming a sitting pos- 
ture, growled out his decided disapprobation of such pro- 
ceedings, while M. T. Pate was writhing and wriggling 
under his heavy burden, and uttering piteous groans. 

“ Pate is like old John Bunyan’s poor pilgrim,” said 
Tom Seddon. 

“ Groaning under his load of sin,” said Toney. 

21 * 


246 


THE FUNNY PEILOSOPnERS, 


“Let us shrive him,” said the Professor. And he and 
Toney seized Pate by the legs, and, pulling vigorously, 
succeeded in relieving him from the immense load of 
iniquity which rested upon him. 


CHAPTER XLII. 

After spending a day in Callao, and visiting the site 
of the ancient town, which had been destroyed by an 
earthquake, the band of gold-hunters proceeded to the 
city of Lima. This splendid capital presents many ob- 
jects of interest to the stranger. The Professor and his 
companions were astonished at the number and magnifi- 
cence of the churches ; and as he was going through a 
gallery in one of these sacred edifices, Wiggins discov- 
ered three holy men playing at monte, and was only pre- 
vented from taking a hand by his ignorance of the Cas- 
tilian language. Moses was shocked at seeing the 
countrywomen riding astraddle on donkeys when they 
entered the town on their way to the market ; and he was 
inexpressibly alarmed when a young female stopped him 
on the street, and, producing a cigar, politely asked him 
for a light. So great was his agitation that, instead 
of complying with her request, he dropped his own cigar 
in the gutter and hastily retreated behind Botts, whose 
ugly visage frightened the woman away. Hercules, 
having constituted himself an inspector of the pale bran- 
dies of the country, on a certain night went up on the 
flat roof of the hotel and fell through a glass door among 
some Spaniards engaged in a quiet game below ; and the 
Hons, supposing, from his novel mode of entrance, that he 
came with burglarious intent, fled from the apartment, 
leaving him lying in the middle of the floor, and uttering 
the most terrific 3’ells. 

Toney and th.e Professor rushed into the room, and 
with some difiBculty lifting the giant on his feet, discov- 
ered that he had sustained no injury from his sudden 


OR ^YAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


24T 


descent. As Hercules staggered out of the room, the 
Professor pointed towards him, and gravely remarked, — 

“I am now convinced of the utter falsity of what has 
been so long received as an axiom in natural philoso- 
phy.” 

“What is that?” asked Toney. 

“ That confined fluids press equally in all directions,” 
said the Professor. 

“ That only holds good in hydrostatics,” said Toney. 

“ Where water is concerned, the principle may be cor- 
rect,” said the Professor, “ but it is not applicable to the 
juice of the grape. But where is Tom Seddon ? I haven’t 
seen him during the whole day.” 

“ He and M. T. Pate have just returned from a visit to 
the tomb of Pizarro,” said Toney ; “ and Pate has been 
much shocked at a discovery which he there made.” 

“What is that?” asked the Professor. 

“ Most of the bones of that celebrated conqueror have 
been stolen,” said Toney. 

“ By whom ?” asked the Professor. 

“ By visitors to the tomb,” said Toney. 

“ Sic transit gloria mundi!^^ said the Professor. “ Pi- 
zarro stole the Inca’s possessions, and now his own bones 
have been carried off' by pilfering hands, and, perhaps, 
manufactured into knife-handles. I hope I never may 
be a great man; a General, or a President, or anything 
of that sort.” 

“ Why not ?” 

“ The very idea is horrible !” 

“ How so ?” 

“ To see one’s name in large letters over the picture of 
a horse on a handbill posted against the door of a black- 
smith’s shop ; or to have a mangy hound for your name- 
sake !” 

“ Here comes Tom,” said Toney, as Seddon entered 
the apartment and commenced telling them about the 
bull-fight which was to take place on the next day, which 
would be Sunday. 

“We will all go,” said the Professor; “but I am 
hungry. Let us go into the eating-room and order three 
plates of lizards.” 


248 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ I would prefer a beefsteak smothered in onions,” said 
Seddon. 

''De gustibusnon disputandum said the Professor 
as he entered the eating-room, and, seating himself at a 
table, ordered his lizards. 


CHAPTER XLIII 

On the bright Sabbath morning Toney Belton and his 
companions were following an immense crowd of people 
along the banks of the Rlmac, in the direction of the bull- 
fight, when they were compelled to halt and listen to a 
polemical controversy between the Professor and M. T. 
Pate. The latter had followed along quietly, and with- 
out observation, until accidentally discovering their des- 
tination, he stood still and refused to proceed. In vain 
did the Professor try argument and blandishment to re- 
move his scruples of conscience. On the first day of the 
week Pate was immovably pious. 

“ Come along, Mr. Pate !” said the Professor, in a 
coaxing tone. 

“ This is the Sabbath,” said Pate, “ and a day of rest.” 

“ But,” said the Professor, “ in this country the 
churches are always open, and the people are praying 
every day in the week, and the only way for them to 
rest is to stop praying on Sunday and do something else. 
When you are in Rome do as Rome does.” 

“ Everybody is going to the bull-fight,” said Toney. 

“Yonder is a carriage-load of bishops,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“And look at those two shovel-hats jogging along on 
their mules,” said Tom Seddon. 

“ This is Sunday,” said Pate, solemnly shaking his 
head. 

“I have been informed by the oldest inhabitant that 
Sunday has never yet got around Cape Horn,” said the 
Professor. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


249 


But Pate was deaf to their sophistical arguments, and, 
shaking his head with a melancholy look, turned on his 
heels and took his departure. 

The Professor and his companions were soon seated in 
the amphitheater, which formed an immense circle, with 
seats rising in tiers, one above the other. A strong bar- 
ricade of stout timbers protected the twenty thouand men, 
women, and children who, with the Priests, the President, 
and the Congress of the country were here assembled, 
and waited with- impatience until a gate was opened and 
several of the combatants appeared, some on horseback 
armed with long lances, and others on foot. 

“ Great thunder ! what are those exclaimed Tom 
Seddon, pointing to four uncouth shapes stalking into the 
arena wearing 4igly masks with enormous beaks, and 
having dusky wings ingeniously fitted to their sides. 

“ They look like very large turkey-buzzards,” said 
Toney. 

‘‘ Half men and half birds,” said Moses. 

“ They are Peruvian fairies,” said the Professor, turning 
round and imparting this information to Moses. 

P\airies I” exclaimed Moses, his eyes opening in as- 
tonishment. 

“A gigantic species of fairy peculiar to this country,” 
said the Professor. 

“ What are they going to do ?” asked Moses. 

“ They are exceedingly fond of bull-beef,” said the 
Professor. “ They will wait until the animal is slain, 
and then dine on the carcass.” 

“After which,” said Toney, “they will spread their 
wings and fly away to Fairy-land, supposed to be located 
somewhere among the peaks of the Andes.” 

“And which was never visited by mortal man,” said 
the Professor. 

Moses now gazed at the fairies with wonder and awe ; 
while Tom Seddon exclaimed, “ Look at that handsome 
woman standing in the center of the arena I” 

“ She is splendidly dressed,” said Toney. 

“ Who is she ?” asked Moses. 

“ The President’s wife,” suggested Toney. 

“ Is she going to fight the bull ?” asked Moses. 


250 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOFEERS, 


“That may be her intention,” said Toney. 

“ Slie has no weapon,” said Wiggins. 

“ She will take the bull by the horns,” said Toney. ‘ 

“ She is in great danger,” said Moses. 

“ It is the Blessed Virgin, — you may behold a miracle ,” 
said the Professor 

“Is she alive?” asked Moses. 

“ She does not move,” said Wiggins. 

“ She stands stoutly on her feet,” said Toney 

“ Look yonder I” exclaimed Tom Seddon, as a gate 
flew open, and in came, with a bound and a bellow, a 
huge black bull, with his eyes fiercely glaring, as if he 
were smarting under some recent insult and expected 
other indignities to be offered. But beholding the image, 
he moved towards it, bowing his head and scraping his 
foot. 

“ He seems disposed to be very polite in the presence 
of a lady,” said Toney. 

“ He is making a very profound obeisance,” said Tom. 

“Only in mockery,” said the Professor as the bull 
rushed forward, and, thrusting his horns through the 
robes of the Holy Mary, lifted her from ,the earth. 
But hardly had he touched her sacred person when a suc- 
cession of loud reports ensued, such as are heard when 
idle urchins have fastened their fire-works behind the 
flanks of some venerable parent of puppies. 

“A miracle !” exclaimed the Professor. 

“A miracle!” cried Toney. 

“A miracle !” shouted Tom. 

The eyes of Moses widely dilated, and he gazed in in- 
tense wonder. Oft' went the bull with the image hang- 
ing on his horns, roaring and running around ; while ever 
and anon the Blessed Virgin would emit an explosion 
which added an increase to his speed. Finally she fell 
to the ground, and was sacrilegiously trampled under hoof, 
and lay with her gaudy robes scorched, and smoking, and 
torn to tatters. 

“ What a shocking sight I” exclaimed Tom Seddon. 

“ Will nobody go to her rescue ?” said Toney. 

“ Yonder comes her avenger I” said the Professor, as a 
man on foot advanced, with one hand brandishing a dart 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, 


251 


having a small streamer attached to it, and shaking a red 
flag with the other. The bull, indignant at the insult, 
canie at him with a bound, when, nimbly leaping aside, 
he planted his missile in the flank of his foe, and the in- 
furiated animal charged on another assailant with similar 
results. 

Soon his sides were covered with little javelins, each 
having a gaudy pennon on its end waving in the wind. 
He fought with pluck and determination, but evidently at 
a disadvantage ; for his antagonists, when hard pressed, 
would retreat behind a circular palisade of posts, whither 
he could not follow them. Making a charge on one of the 
buzzards, however, he tore off a wing before the clumsy 
bird could get out of the way. The disgusting fowl 
uttered a loud squall, such as was never heard from one 
of its species before. 

“ The poor fairy has lost one of his pinions,” said Tom. 

“ He will not be able to soar away to his home in the 
Andes after he has dined,” said Toney. 

“ The cavalry are about to take part in the engagement,” 
said the Professor, as the horsemen galloped around and 
added to the torments of the animal by pricking him with 
their lances. 

“ He fights manfully,^’ said Tom. 

“ Mr. Seddon,” said the Professor, “ be so good as to 
keep your Irish bulls in the background. You should 
not venture to introduce them among Spanish cattle.” 

“ He exhibits great courage against overwhelming 
odds,” said Toney. 

“ But, as has been asked on numerous occasions, what 
can a single hero do against a host?” said the Pro^ 
lessor. 

“ What is that big man going to do with his long 
knife ?” asked Moses, as a stalwart fellow, armed witji a 
short, straight sword, advanced on foot and fixed his gaze 
on his victim. With eyes wildly rolling, and red tor- 
rents of blood streaming from his wounds, the bull moved 
towards this new antagonist, with his head to the ground, 
hoping to toss him on his horns. But the wily matadore, 
with a dexterous thrust, pierced the spine of the neck, 
and the agonies of the animal were over. Hardly had he 


252 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


fallen when the four buzzards rushed forward and com- 
menced pecking at the carcass. 

“ The fairies are hungry,” said the Professor, turning 
round and speaking to Moses. 

“ The one-winged gentleman seems determined to have 
his share of the feast,” said Toney. 

“Look! look!” cried Tom Seddon, as up went a 
rocket and in came six white horses splendidly harnessed, 
by whose united strength the mutilated body of the bull 
was dragged out at a gallop, to make room for another 
victim. 

“ Look at yonder fellow riding his horse around the 
arena, with his side gored open and torrents of blood 
gushing from the ghastly wound !” said Toney. 

“ This is pretty sport, but I think that I will put an 
end to it,” said the Professor to Toney, in a low and con- 
fidential tone. 

“ That is impossible,” said Toney. 

“ The celebrated Arago says that he who, outside of 
pure mathematics, uses the wmrd impossible, lacks pru- 
dence,” said the Professor. 

“ Here he comes !” cried Tom Seddon, as a bull of pro- 
digious size and savage ferocity bounded into the arena, 
and after moving around and wildly glaring at the assem- 
bled multitude, finally halted within a few paces of the 
seats occupied by Toney and the Professor. The enraged 
animal was pawing the earth with his foot, when one of 
the combatants advanced towards him, brandishing a 
dart. The bull elevated his head and surveyed him with 
an indignant look. The man poised his missile and was 
about to hurl it when, in the Castilian language, from the 
mouth of the angry animal come forth the words, — 

“Hold, villain! hold!” 

The man dropped his dart and instantly fled. On the 
seats in proximity to the Professor there were great 
commotion and alarm, while from those afar off there 
were loud cries of derision at the cowardice exhibited by 
the combatant who had fled. Several men now advanced 
on foot, and the horsemen followed, with the four buz- 
zards in the rear, flapping their wings. They surrounded 
the bull, and each footman brandished his dart, while the 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


253 


horsemen poised their lances. The animal regarded 
them with a ferocious aspect, and, as they were about to 
attack him with their weapons, a hoarse voice was heard 
issuing from his' throat, and exclaiming, — 

“ Stand back ! ye bloody villains, forbear 1” 

The men recoiled in horror, and, dropping their weap- 
ons, fled with precipitation, exclaiming, “ El diablo I el 
diablo I” 

The buzzards hurried over the barricades followed by 
the footmen, who threw themselves among the spectators, 
crying out, “ El diablo I el diablo I — it is the devil I it is 
the devil I” The horsemen galloped frantically around, 
and finally fled through agate, which was instantly closed 
and barred. “ El diablo I el diablo I’’ was shouted by 
hundreds of voices. 

“It is Satan! it is Satan!” exclaimed several priests, 
who sat near the Professor, as the bull, after running 
around, stood still and glared at them with fiery eyes. 

“ I am Beelzebub !” roared the bull. 

With loud cries of “ Satan !” “ Beelzebub !” “ the 
devil !” the priests and the people leaped from their 
seats, and, tumbling over each other, rolled out of the 
amphitheater into the open air. Along the banks of the 
Bimac, men, women, and children were flying in terror, 
with loud cries of “ El diablo ! el diablo !” 

“ Where is Moses ?” asked the Professor, as with To- 
ney and Tom he sat in the deserted amphitheater. 

“ He and Wiggins have gone with the crowd,” said 
Toney. 

“ The bull will have tb perform before empty benches,” 
said the Professor. 

“ That animal has created more commotion than any 
of the Pope’s bulls in the Dark Ages,” said Toney. 

“He is equal to Apis, the sacred bull of the Egyp- 
tians,” said the Professor, as they arose from their seats 
and left the amphitheater. 


22 


254 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOrHERS, 


CHAPTER XLIY. 

At the hotel in Lima the Professor and his friends 
found the supercargo of the ship who had come to hunt 
up the passengers. The captain had been in trouble ; 
the crew having mutinied and refused to work because 
tliey were not allowed the privilege of a cruise on shore. 
The controversy between the quarter-deck and the fore- 
castle was finally adjusted, and the crew agreed to go to 
work on condition of afterwards having one day of liberty. 
The supercargo said that they were now on shore in 
Callao, and that the vessel would sail on the following 
morning. 

Upon receiving this information, the passengers made 
preparations to proceed on foot to Callao ; it being impos- 
sible to obtain any vehicle on that day, as everything 
which had wheels or hoofs had gone to the bull-fight 
and had been left behind in the general stampede which 
ensued. The Professor inquired for M. T. Pate, but he 
was not in the hotel, and from information received, it 
was supposed that he had already left the city and pro- 
ceeded to the port. 

Lima, unlike most American cities, is encompassed by 
a wall. Just beyond the gate, wUich opens on the six miles 
of level road leading to Callao, are a number of mounds 
heaped up by the ancient inhabitants of the country for 
the purpose of hiding the remains of mortality. But as 
these poor pagans were unwilling to leave the world as 
unadorned as they had entered it, numerous excavations 
had been made by their Christian successors, wdio had 
stripped them of their heathenish ornaments, and carried 
them otf, to be converted into the images of saints. 

The Professor and his companions turned aside from 
the road and proceeded to an inspection of the place. 

Hercules had already thrust his long neck into one of 
the excavations, when, with a loud exclamation, he drew 
suddenly back as if he had certainly seen a sight. The 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


255 


Long Green Boy now peeped into the aperture, and, 
starting back, looked as if he were about to exclaim, 
“ Angels and ministers of grace, defend us !” But lo ! it 
starts up — it moves towards them — long, lean, and spec- 
tral ! — in robes as white as the driven snow, like the 
shivering shade of an ancient Inca come hither to mourn 
over the extinction of his race. 

Hercules assumes the posture of a racer ready to make 
a desperate spring, and only waiting for the word “ Go !’’ 
The Professor throws himself in the attitude of Hamlet 
in his interesting interview with the ghost. Botts 
clutches the hilt of his bowie-knife and stands prepared 
to battle with whatever may come forth. But hold I rash 
man, forbear 1 No horrible apparition of an unbaptized 
infidel is this, but a pious Christian and a poor country- 
man in distress. It is the unfortunate M. T. Pate stalk- 
ing forth with no covering except a single shirt. 

Finding no congenial society in the city, he had 
wandered hither to meditate among the tombs. His rev- 
eries were rudely interrupted by certain grim-looking 
fellows carrying carbines, one of which was presented 
to his breast with an observation which, for want of an 
interpreter, he was unable to comprehend. Poor Pate 
was too much awed to animadvert upon the sinfidness 
of such proceedings on Sunday ; and these bold Sabbath- 
breakers, having rifled bis pockets, stripped him of all 
that he had, and left him in the condition in which he 
was found. 

Having heard his dolorous story, the Professor ex- 
claimed, — 

“ But, Mr. Pate, what is to be done ? You cannot 
travel along the public highway in that condition of 
nudity.’’ 

“If he does,” said Toney, “the people will suppose 
that he is a model artist.” 

“ The w^eather is hot,” said Tom Seddon. “ And he will 
not feel uncomfortable with nothing on but his shirt.” 

“ If Pate goes into Callao, in a nude condition, he will 
frighten the women into fits,” said Toney. 

“And he will be arrested and put in the calaboose,” 
said the Professor. 


256 


THE FUNNY FIIILOSOPIJERS, 


“ What is to be done ?” asked Toney. “ Our trunks are 
in Callao, and there is no spare clothing among us.” 

“ Mr. Pate can have my drawers,” said Wiggins. And 
he pulled them olf and handed them to his unfortunate 
friend. 

, “ And I will let him have my coat,” said Hercules, 

pulling it off. 

“ That coat is like charity,” said the Professor. 

“ How so ?” asked Toney. 

“It covers a multitude of faults,” said the Professor, 
pointing to the giant’s linen coat, which completely 
enveloped the person of Pate and hung down to his 
heels. 

“ What will Mr. Pate do for a pair of boots ?” said 
Moses. 

“ Never mind,” said Tom Seddon, “ the road is sandy 
and will not hurt his bare feet.” 

“And when he comes to stony places I will carry him 
on my back,” said Hercules. 

“ Come along, Mr. Pate,” said Toney. 

“ And when you return from California with your gold 
you should by all means carefully avoid these localities,” 
said the Professor. 

Poor Pate uttered not a word in response to these 
advisory remarks, but all were convinced by the quivering 
of his lip and other outward signs that he was inwardly 
vowing that he would do so. 

They now hurried on; Toney, Tom, and the Professor 
leading the advance, and when about half-way between 
Lima and Callao, they espied a curious kind of cavalry 
coming up the road. It was the ship’s company ashore 
on liberty and making the most of that inestimable bless- 
ing. Each jolly tar was mounted on a little donkey, and 
at the head of the cavalcade rode Old Nick, having a lead- 
line in his hand ; and this steady and experienced seaman, 
apprehensive of shoals or hidden rocks, kept constantly 
heaving the lead and calling out the number of fathoms 
each time that it fell. Once he was heard to cry out “No 
bottom I” and down went his donkey in a hole; but the 
dauntless navigator assured his shipmates that, though 
the little craft had her lee-rail under, she would soon 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


251 


right up without losing a stick of her timber ; and the 
result was just as he had said. 

“ Where is Pate asked the Professor. 

“ Yonder he is,” said Tonev, pointing to Pate, about a 
quarter of a mile behind, mounted on the back of Hercules, 
Avith Wiggins walking on one side and Perch on the 
other ; Botts and Moses bringing up the rear. 

“ Hercules is carrying him over the stony road,” said 
Tom. 

“ The giant has a big body and a big heart,” said the 
Professor ; “ but he shall not be treated like a beast of 
burden. Pate shall ride Old Nick’s donkey.” 

“ Old Nick will not give up his donkey,” said Toney. 

“ We will see,” said the Professor. And he advanced 
near the spot where the huge sailor sat on the little animal 
with his feet touching the ground. Just at that moment 
Old Nick gave the bridle a jerk. 

“ Oh — oh I You hurt ! Get off my back, you drunken 
lubber I” exclaimed a voice issuing from the mouth of the 
beast. Old Nick leaped off and fled down the road. 

“ Avast there 1” cried Tim. 

“ Hush up, you old fool ! you are drunk too I” said 
Tim’s donkey. The sailor rolled off. 

“ Get off my back!” exclaimed another donkey. 

“ Get off! get off! you ought all to be hung at the 
yard-arm for mutiny!” shouted each donkey in succession. 
With wild yells of terror, the sailors fled down the road 
to Callao, ran at full speed through the town to the water’s 
edge, leaped into a boat and went on board the vessel. 

“ Here, Mr. Pate, mount on this donkey,” said the Pro- 
fessor, as Pate came riding along on the back of Hercules. 
The Professor selected an animal for himself, and he and 
Pate rode into Callao, and halted at the hotel, where they 
had left their trunks when the}^ had started for Lima. 

At the hotel, Pate retired to a room and made his 
toilet ; but when he again appeared he was so teased and 
tormented by certain wicked wags that he abruptly left 
the hotel and rushed into the street. He was seen no 
more. The passengers went on board and the ship was 
ready to sail. The captain went on shore and made 
inquiry for Pate. Nothing could be heard of him, and, 
22 * 


258 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


after losing several days in a fruitless search, the ship 
finally put to sea. 

During the voyage there were numerous discussions 
in relation to his probable fate ; but ultimately the opinion 
prevailed that he had gone back to Lima, to pay his bill 
at the hotel, and had thus been left behind. The ship 
sailed on without him, and after a voyage of two months, 
passed through the Golden Gate, and anchored in the 
harbor of San Francisco. 


CHAPTER XLY. 

“ This seems to be a city of tents,” said the Professor, 
as they stood on a hill which has long since been removed, 
and now forms a portion of the artificial foundation for 
the immense warehouses which stand where their ship 
anchored between Happy Valley and Goat Island. 

“ I see very few houses,” said Tom Seddon. 

“ Only the old Spanish structures built a hundred years 
ago with adobe brick,” said the Professor. 

‘‘In two years from the present period,” said Taney, 
“ you will see houses all over this space, — hotels of six 
stories, and commodious dwellings and warehouses.” 

“ Toney is a prophet,” said Tom. 

“ On the very spot where we now stand there is gold 
in abundance,” said Toney. 

“ In these sand-hills ?” exclaimed Tom. 

“ Yes ; in these very sand-hills where we now are,” 
said Toney; “if a man has sagacity enough to perceive 
his chance and avail himself of it.” 

“ I divine your meaning,” said the Professor. “ Let 
us buy one of these sand-hills.” 

“ That was just what I was about to propose,” said 
Toney. 

“ What will we do with it?” asked Tom. 

“ Leave it here and go to the mines,” said Toney. 

“ It won’t run away,” said the Professor. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


259 


‘‘ Of what use will it be to us, or anybody else said 
Tom, kicking the sand about with his feet. 

“ In a few years an immense city will extend for miles 
around,” said Toney. “Our lot will be in the very 
center of the town.” 

“ Hurrah ! hurrah !” cried Tom, throwing up his wool 
hat. “ I see! I see 1 let us buy the sand-hill.” 

“How much money have you?” asked Toney. 

“ Five thousand dollars,” said Tom. 

“ I have about an equal amount in my trunk,” said the 
Professor. 

“And I can raise about as much more,” said Toney. 
“ Come, let us make our purchase without delay.” 

Business was then rapidly transacted in the El Dorado 
of the West, where, at that period, immense fortunes were 
frequently made and lost in a month. In a few hours the 
three friends were the owners of the sand-hill, and had 
their titles secured by deeds duly executed. 

On the following morning they hunted up Hercules 
and his companions, who were feasting on wild geese and 
quails at a tent in Montgomery Street, and embarked in 
a boat for Stockton, from which point they intended to 
proceed across the country to the mines on the Moquelumne 
River. In the afternoon of the same day they were en- 
tering the mouth of the San Joaquin when a schooner 
ran by them. 

“ What place is this ?” shouted Toney. 

“New York,” answered a man on the schooner. 

“Not much like New York,” said the Professor. 

“What place is it?” asked Tom Seddon. 

“New York !” shouted the man, with vehemence. 

“ He knows,” said Toney. 

“ Let us go ashore and dine at the Astor House,” said 
the Professor. 

They wont on shore, but were unable to find the hotel 
designated, and made a meal on elk meat, in‘a tent kept 
by a one-eyed Hibernian; after which they again pro- 
ceeded up the river until about the middle of the night, 
when they lashed to the tulas on the bank, and lay in the. 
bottom of the boat, sometimes snoring and at other times 
fighting the mosquitoes. 


260 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


In the morning they hoisted sail, and in so doing Moses 
fell over the bow of the boat and was hauled in at the 
stern. After Moses had thus performed his ablutions, 
they sailed on until about ten o’clock, when Tom Seddon 
exclaimed, “ This river is as crooked as the track of a 
snake ! What mountain is that ? It sometimes seems on 
the larboard, and sometimes on the starboard.” 

“ That is Mount Diablo, I suppose, from the description 
I have had of it,” said the Professor. 

“ The Devil’s Mountain,” said Tom. 

“ In plain English, the Devil’s Mountain,’^ said the 
Professor. 

“ I never was so hungry ; I could eat a bear,” said Tom. 

“ Better eat a bear than that a bear should eat you,” 
said the Professor. 

“ I will starve before we get to Stockton,” said Tom. 
“ Let us go on shore and shoot some game.” 

“Agreed !” said Toney. And they ran in along shore, 
and, fastening their boat to the bough of a tree, landed and 
proceeded through the tulas in the direction of Mount 
Diablo. When they had gone about a mile they reached 
an open space surrounded with thickets. Here they halted, 
and were gazing around in search of game, when Tom 
Seddon suddenly exclaimed, “ Look ! look !” 

About two hundred paces from where they stood a man 
rushed out from the thicket, and behind him came forth 
a huge and ferocious monster apparently in pursuit. The 
hideous beast ran after the man, and striking him with 
its nose under the tail of his coat hurled him headforemost 
about twenty feet. The man fell on his hands and knees, 
and the monster stood still and gazed at him intently. 

“The devil!” exclaimed Tom Seddon. 

“From Mount Diablo,” said the Professor. 

“ It is a grizzly bear,” said Toney. 

“ Gracious 1” exclaimed Moses. 

“That fellow had better run,” said Tom. 

“ He has taken your advice,” said the Professor. 

“ The bear is after him again,” said Toney. 

“ Great thunder I I would as soon be shot out of a 
cannon I” shouted Tom Seddon, as the huge creature 
thrust its nose under the man’s coat and propelled him 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


261 


forward with prodigious velocity. The man again fell 
on his hands and knees, and the beast stood still and re- 
garded him with a steadfast look. 

‘‘ The bear is waiting for him to get up,” said Tom. 

“ That’s right,” said the Professor. “ Never strike a 
man when he is down.” 

“ He is on his feet again,” said Tom, as the man-'^prang 
up and commenced running. 

“And the bear is at him again,” said Toney, as the 
eccentric monster rushed at the man and hurled him 
headlong with tremendous force. 

“Jupiter Tonans!” exclaimed Tom. “That was a 
settler.” 

“ He is stunned,” said Toney, as the man lay motion- 
less with his face on the ground. The bear stood still 
and looked intently at the prostrate form. The man did 
not move. After gazing at him for several moments, the 
bear walked up and smelled him from head to foot.” 

“ Is he going to eat him ?” cried Tom. 

“I do not believe that he is,” said the Professor. 

“ Look there ! Did you ever see the like ?” cried Tom, 
as the bear commenced plowing up the earth with its 
nose and piling it on the man’s body. 

“ He is burying him,” said Toney. 

“ That bear has good principles in his composition,” 
said the Professor. “ He buries his dead.” 

The bear continued to pile the earth over the man until 
he had raised quite a mound, when he turned round, and, 
at a shuffling gait, went off in the direction of Mount 
Diablo, and was soon hidden in the thicket. 

Toney and his friends now ran to the spot where the 
man was buried. The end of his coat was visible. Toney 
and Tom tugged at the tail of the coat, while the Profes- 
sor aided in the disinterment by kicking off the earth 
with his feet. 

“ By the powers of mud !” was uttered in a hoarse 
voice, and the man sprang erect. 

“Captain Bragg!” exclaimed Toney, in astonishment. 

“ Great thunder I” cried Tom. 

The astonishment of Bragg was equal to that of Toney 
and Tom. He was covered with dirt, and swore vehe- 


2G2 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


niently “by the powers of mud.’’ He eventually became 
more composed, and, while walking to the boat, accounted 
for the condition in which he was found. In coming 
down the river he had quarreled with the captain of the 
vessel, and challenged him to single combat. The cap- 
tain had rudely refused to accept the challenge, and put 
Bragg on shore, where, in wandering about, he had en- 
countered the bear. 

“ Look ! — look ! — what’s that ?” cried Moses, as an agile 
creature with very long ears sprang up before them. 

“ It is a young donkey,” said Toney. 

Tom fired his gun and the animal fell dead. 

“ In this country it is called a jackass rabbit,” said 
Bragg, as Tom shouldered his game and carried it to the 
boat. 

A fire was kindled, and in a short time they were feast- 
ing on the broiled flesh of the rabbit. During the meal 
Botts and Bragg regarded each other with looks of savage 
ferocity, but no words were exchanged between them. 
Toney’s mind was relieved from anxiety when Bragg 
pointed to a schooner coming down the river, and said, — 

“ Mr. Belton, you would confer a great favor by putting 
me on board yonder vessel. I intend to proceed to San 
Francisco and settle with that villainous captain.” 

The boat put off' from the shore and conveyed Bragg to 
the schooner, and then proceeded up the river. When 
they were about six miles from Stockton, half a dozen 
barges filled with armed men came around a bend in the 
river. 

“ Boat ahoy !” cried a tall man standing up in the fore- 
most barge. No attention was paid to this hail, and the 
boat was kept on its course. In an instant more than 
fifty rifies were leveled at them, and Perch and Wiggins 
crouched down in the bottom of the boat and covered 
themselves with a buffalo robe. 

“ What do you want?” cried Toney. 

“We are hunting for Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and 
the Preacher,” exclaimed several men in the barges, which 
now came alongside. 

“ They are not here,” said Toney. 

“We will see,” said one of the men. “Who is th.it 


OR WAGS AND SWEETEEARfS. 


263 


hiding there And he jerked the buffalo robe aside and 
beheld Perch’s fiery head of hair. 

“ Red Mike I” he exclaimed. 

“ And that is Long-Nose Jack,” said another man, 
pointing to Wiggins’s extraordinary nasal projection. 

“And there is the Preacher,” said a big fellow, gazing 
sternly at Moses, who, from his peculiar conformation, 
looked much like a parson in disguise. 

“ The Preacher is the worst of the whole gang,” said 
one of the men. 

“ We will hang him on the highest limb,” said another. 

“ Good heavens, gentlemen I you are not going to hang 
them ?” exclaimed Toney. 

“They have done nothing!” cried Tom. 

“ They have just landed in California,” said the Pro- 
fessor. 

“You three fellows shut up,” said one of the men. 
“We have got nothing against you, but we know these 
chaps. They are New York Hounds. Robbed a tent 
last night. We’ll hang them as soon as we get back to 
Stockton.” 

Moses and Perch were dumb with terror, as they were 
dragged into one of the barges, while Wiggins ejacu- 
lated, — 

“Oh, Lord! oh. Lord!” With loud cheers the men 
rowed away in the direction of Stockton. Toney and 
his friends followed, but were soon left far behind. 

When the lynching-party reached Stockton with their 
captives, loud shouts were heard on shore. 

“ They have got them ! they have got them ! Ropes ! 
— ropes 1” were the cries, as the unfortunate prisoners 
were dragged from the barge. 

“ Hang them ! hang them !” was shouted and screamed 
by infuriated men, who came running with ropes prepared 
for the execution of the robbers. The affrighted prisoners 
were hurried to a large oak, which stood about a hundred 
yards from the main street. Three mules were now led 
to the spot, and the supposed felons, with ropes around 
their necks, were made to mount on the backs of the 
animals. A man climbed into the tree and fastened the 
ropes to a large horizontal limb. Each mule was held 


264 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


by its bridle, while a man stood behind with a whip, 
ready to apply the lash at a jriven signal. 

“ Now,” said a tall individual, who seemed to be the 
leader of the lynchers, “ if you three fellows have got any 
tiling to say, sing out. You have got five minutes to live. 
When I fire olF this pistol, the mules will jump from under 
you, and you are gone.” 

Oh ! — oh ! — oh !” groaned Perch. 

“ Tell my father,” said Moses, turning his head round 
and looking piteously at Perch, “ that I was hung for 
nothing.” 

“ I can’t tell him,” said Perch, “ I’ve got to be hung 
myself, — oh I — oh! — oh!” 

“ You have three minutes left,” said the man with the 
pistol, looking at his watch. 

Oh, Lord ! oh. Lord ! oh. Lord !” ejaculated Wig- 
gins. 

“ If that’s all you’ve got to say, you might as well shut 
up and be hung at once. Two minutes left!” 

“ Oh ! oh ! oh !” groaned Perch. 

“ One minute !” 

“ Mercy ! — mercy ! — mercy !” cried Moses. 

The man cocked his pistol and elevated it over his 
head. 

“ Oh, Lord ! oh. Lord ! oh. Lord !” screamed Wiggins. 

“ Hold on !” cried a voice in the crowd. 

“AVhat’s broke loose?” said the man, lowering his 
pistol and turning round. 

“Here conies the Alcalde!” shouted a number of 
voices, as a rough fellow, with long hair, galloped up and 
halted his panting horse in front of the gallows. 

“What are you doing there?” asked he. And he 
glanced at Moses and his comrades, sitting on the mules, 
with the ropes around their necks. 

“Hanging Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the 
Preacher,” said the man with the pistol in his hand. 

“ You have waked up the wrong passengers. We 
caught the infernal thieves on the road to San Jose. 
Here they are,” said the Alcalde, as a party of men gal- 
loped up, having three prisoners in custody with their 
hands tied behind their backs. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


265 


“Let these men go,” said the Alcalde, pointing to 
Moses and the other two who were just about to be hung. 

The supposed robbers were released and the real of- 
fenders placed on the backs of the mules. 

“Run!” cried Moses, “run! run!” And he and his 
two companions fled in headlong haste to the water’s edge, 
and encountered Toney and the other occupants of the 
boat, who were just landing 

“ Where are you going ?” said Toney, as all three 
leaped into the boat and seized the oars. 

“ Home !” exclaimed Moses. 

“ Back to the States !” cried Perch. 

“ I wouldn’t stay here a week for all the gold in the 
mountains!” shouted Wiggins. 

“ Come back ! don’t be fools ! it was all a mistake,” 
said Toney. 

“You’ll be murdered,” said Wiggins. 

“ Oh, Toney, come with us ! They will hang you if 
you stay here !” cried Moses. 

“ Don’t make dunces of yourselves,” said Toney. 

“ Good-by !” said Wiggins. 

“ Farewell ! farewell !” cried Perch. 

“ God bless you, Toney !” ejaculated Moses, as he and 
Perch commenced pulling vigorously at the oars, while 
Wiggins laid hold on the tiller. 

They rested not during the whole ensuing night, and 
in the afternoon of the next day arrived at San Francisco. 
A steamer was about to sail, and they immediately went 
on board, and in a fortnight were landed at Panama. 

Having procured mules, they proceeded across the 
Isthmus to Cruces. 

Here they entered a public house, and behind the bar 
beheld a bald-beaded man washing a bottle. 

“ Look there !” exclaimed Perch. 

“ Mr. Pate !” cried Wiggins. 

The bald-headed man looked up, and, uttering a cry of 
recognition, dropped the bottle, and, running from behind 
the bar, threw his arms around Wiggins’s neck and hugged 
him fraternally. 


23 


266 


THE FUNNY PIIILOSOPnERS, 


CHAPTER XLYL 

When M. T. Pate rushed from the hotel in Callao, 
he had been rendered frantic by the ridicule of the merci- 
less wag-s by whom he was surrounded. Blinded with 
passion, be was hurrying along, not knowing nor caring 
whither he went, when he ran over a buzzard in the street 
and fell flat on his face. Springing to his feet, he struck 
the bird a heavy blow with a stick which laid it dead in 
the gutter. These industrious scavengers are protected 
by law in the Peruvian cities, and hardly had Pate com- 
mitted this outrage when he was seized by a couple of 
soldiers and carried to the calaboose. For many weeks 
Pate pined in prison, living on exceedingly low diet. He 
was plunged in the depths of despair, and supposed that 
he would have to end his days in captivity as an ex- 
piation for his offense. He could see but a single gleam 
of hope. An earthquake might come and shake down 
the walls of his prison, and he might thus effect his es- 
cape. But there appeared to be a dearth of earthquakes in 
the country just at that time. Pate had often, during a 
long drought, read the prayers in church for rain, and he 
now used the same formula and prayed for an earthquake. 
But no convulsion of nature occurred, although he would 
often put his ear to the floor and eagerly listen for the 
rumbling sounds which usually precede a subterranean 
commotion. One afternoon an old American tar was put 
in the calaboose for riotous conduct while drunk. The 
sailor lay on the floor, in the same room with Pate, and 
slept soundly until about the middle of the night, when 
he woke up sobered and in the full possession of his 
faculties. Pate was on his knees, loudly and fervently 
praying for an earthquake. The old salt sat on the floor 
and listened until he began to comprehend, when he be- 
came much excited. 

“Avast, you lubber !” he cried out, springing to his feet. 

Pate paid no attention. He was so absorbed in his 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 26t 

devotions as not to be conscious of exterior surround- 
ings. 

“ Stop your yarn said the sailor. 

Pate heeded him not. 

“ Shiver my timbers!” shouted the old tar, fiercely, “if 
I don’t plug up your dead-lights I” And he seized Pate 
by the collar and thrust his huge fist under his nose. 

“ Murder !” cried Pate. 

“Murder, and bloody murder, it will be, if you don’t 
stop spinning your yarn,” said the sailor. 

“ Who are you ? who are you ?” cried Pate. 

“ Belong to the ship Fredonia,” said the tar. 

“ Did you kill a buzzard ?” said Pate. 

“ No ; I got drunk. They’ll let me out in the morning. 
I’ve been here before.” 

“ Will you get out ? I’ll have to stay here all my life.” 

“ What sort of a cruise have you been on that brought 
you into this port. What did they put you here for ?” 

“I killed a buzzard.” 

“If you’d killed a man they wouldn’t have minded it 
much. But they think more of their blasted buzzards 
than they do of their shovel-hats.” 

“ Will I ever get out ?” cried Pate. “ Oh, that I could 
get a letter to my friends 1” 

“Are you an American man ?” 

“ I am I I am I And in a dirty prison for killing a 
buzzard !” 

“ Give me your paw, shipmate ! I’ll stand by you. 
Good luck was the wind that brought me under your 
stern.” 

Pate and the old tar now had a long talk, and it was 
determined that the former should address a note to the 
American consul, which he did ; writing with a pencil on 
a blank leaf torn from his pocket-book. In the morning 
the sailor was released, and carried Pate’s communication 
to the consul, who transmitted it to the American min- 
ister at Lima. 

The condition of the unhappy captive thus came to 
the knowledge of the representative of the great re- 
public; who told the Peruvian government, in plain 
terms, that his country would not permit one of her cit- 


268 


THE FUNNY PlIILOSOPHERS, 


izens to remain in prison during so long a period, merely 
for the paltry offense of slaying a turkey-buzzard. An 
angry correspondence ensued ; and during its pendency, 
a heavy American frigate and two corvettes came into 
the harbor of Callao, and anchored with their broadsides 
bearing upon the fort. The decided tone of the minister 
who was a man of nerve and determination, and the 
pre.sence of this formidable force, convinced the Peruvian 
authorities that his Excellency was in earnest; and being 
in no condition to risk a bombardment, much less a ruin- 
ous war with a nation so powerfuLas the United States, 
they consented to the release of the prisoner on condition 
that he should leave the country within forty-eight hours. 

Pate now determined to return home without delay. 
He had long since become disgusted with gold-hunting ; 
and the home-sickness, which came over him in the cala- 
boose, continued after he got out. So he immediately 
took passage on an English brig bound for Panama; in- 
tending to proceed by way of the Isthmus to New York. 

Having purchased a monkey to keep him company dur- 
ing the voyage, he went on board, and the vessel sailed. 
He had a pleasant passage until they were within a day’s 
sail of Panama, when he met with a sad mishap. He 
was sitting on deck, dandling his monkey on his knee, 
when a careless lubber let a pot containing red paint fall 
from the tops. The paint was spattered over M. T. Pate, 
who thought that it was his own blood and brains, and 
under this impression, supposing that he would have 
to give up the ghost, fainted away. But a bucket of 
salt-water being dashed in his face by an old tar, he 
revived, and, looking around, perceived that his monkey 
was dead. The pot had hit it on the head and killed it 
instantly. He mourned over his monkey until he reached 
Panama, where he rested a day, and then bought a mule 
and started across the Isthmus. 

At a short distance from Cruces, in sight of the road, 
is a large ship’s anchor lying in the wood. How it came 
there nobody can tell. Many suppose that it was con- 
veyed from the Caribbean Sea up the Chagres River by 
PizaiTO and his Spaniards, when they were proceeding to 
Panama to construct vessels for the conquest of Peru ; 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


269 


and that being unable to transport it any farther by land, 
they had left it lying in the forest. 

Pate tied his mule to a tree, and, walking aside from 
the road, seated himself on the anchor and began to 
meditate. 

Here,” said he, in a soliloquy, “ once stood Pizarro 
the Conqueror. No daring robber, animated by the sordid 
love of gold, was that great man. He came to destroy 
the pagan superstitions of a benighted land, and to ex- 
tend the blessings of civilization over an entire continent.” 

As Pate uttered these words, his guardian angel, who 
was anxiously hovering over him, wanted to warn him of 
his danger, but was unable to do so. A man of savage 
aspect had crept from a thicket in his rear, and, with a 
catlike step, was cautiously advancing, having a heavy 
club raised in readiness to strike. 

“In those days,” said Pate, “all was darkness and 
barbarism ; but now, the benign influences of ” 

The club descended. Pate beheld a whole constella- 
tion and several planets at mid-day, and sank senseless 
to the earth. 

When Pate opened his eyes it was late in the afternoon. 
Flocks of parrots were fluttering around him, and multi- 
tudes of monkeys were chattering and nimbly leaping 
among the boughs of the trees. He arose from the green- 
sward with a bad headache, and discovered that he had 
been robbed. His money was gone, and his mule had 
disappeared. Without a dollar, he was in a strange land 
and thousands of miles from home. He staggered on 
until he reached Cruces, where he entered a public house 
kept by an American, to whom he related his misfortunes. 

The man had just lost his bar-keeper, and employed 
M. T. Pate to wait upon his customers until he could 
earn money enough to pay his passage to the United 
States. And here he was found by Wiggins and his 
companions washing a bottle. 


23 * 


210 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER XLYII. 

Wiggins and his friends famished the unfortunate Pate 
with pecuniary means, and he accompanied them to Cha- 
gres and embarked for New York, where in due time they 
arrived, and immediately took passage on the Southern 
train. About a week after his arrival in Mapleton, Pate 
received a visit from the father of the fair Juliet, who in- 
formed him that his daughter, the wife of Romeo, had 
discovered that there had been a misapprehension on her 
part in regard to Pate’s conduct. 

“ There has been a sad mistake,” said Mr. Singleton. 
“You honestly believed that my daughter had beaten 
you, and did not intend to slander her when you so as- 
serted.” 

“ She did beat me, sir,” said Pate, “ and most barbar- 
ously. She knocked me down with her fist and then broke 
my arm.” *' 

“ You thought so,” said Mr. Singleton; “but it was a 
mistake.” 

“ How could it be a mistake ?” cried Pate. “ Did I not 
feel the blow from her fist ? Did I not see her standing 
over me, kicking me with her foot and beating me with 
a terrible club? Was not my arm broken? Did I not 
lie in bed for weeks ? And then to sue me ! And now 
I am a ruined man ! I have not a dollar in the world!” 

And the big tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought 
of his destitute condition. 

“ Mr. Pate,” said the father of the fair Juliet, visibly 
affected by Pate’s distress, “I am rich, and so is my 
daughter’s husband. She is my only child and will inherit 
all my wealth. She don’t want your property. Your 
farm has been purchased by us, and a deed prepared se- 
curing the title to you. Here is the deed, sir, and here 
is a check on my banker for a sum equal to the value of 
your personal property, which was sold by the sheriff. 
Good-morning, Mr. Pate.” And Mr. Singleton hurried 
away, leaving Pate dumb with amazement. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


271 


After having been haunted by bad luck for a long period 
Fortune smiled upon M. T. Pate at last. The first thing 
he did, after being re-established in his former home, was 
to hunt up old Whitey, then in the possession of Simon 
Rump. Simon’s angel had gone to Abraham’s bosom, 
and the eldest of the female cherubs, who had now as- 
sumed the appearance of a full-grown woman, kept house 
for the bereaved Rump. When Pate called at the house 
he found his friend Perch seated by the side of the female 
cherub, who was evidently delighted with his society. 
Perch was entertaining the cherub with an account of his 
adventures by sea and land, and, like Desdemona, — 

“She swore, in faith, ’twas strange, ’twas passing strange j 
'Twas pitiful, ’twas wondrous pitiful : 

She wished she had not heard it; yet she wished 
That Heaven had made her such a man.’' 

The sagacity of M. T. Pate enabled him to perceive that 
Perch and the cherub were in the incipient stages of love, 
add he left them in that embarrassing condition and sought 
Simon Rump, whom he found feeding his hogs. Rump 
agreed to give up old Whitey, and Pate paid the ransom 
for his horse and rode home in a happy mood of mind. 

Next morning, as he was riding his four-footed friend 
through the streets of Mapleton, he perceived Wiggins 
walking with the widow whom he had once led to the 
altar but failed to marry, owing to an unfortunate blunder. 
They had evidently become reconciled; and Wiggins was 
now performing the part of Othello, and employing the 
witchcraft which that dusky hero bad used in wooing 
Brabantio’s daughter. 

As Pate rode on he met Gideon Foot, who informed 
him that Bliss had been blessed with an heir, and the 
boy was to be named M. T. Pate. Love had a sweet 
babe several weeks old, that looked like a Cupid smiling 
in the cradle, and very recently a pretty pair of young 
Doves had made their appearance in the town of Maple- 
ton. 

Pate rode home in a meditative mood. A strange 
feeling came over him ; a feeling he had never experienced 
before; and as he sat in his lonely abode, absorbed in 


m 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPUERSy 


meditation, it became stronger, and finally obtained the 
mastery. 

“ I see it plainly I” he exclaimed, in a soliloquy. “ It 
is useless for man to seek to avoid his destiny. Inevitable 
Fate will pursue him wherever he goes. He cannot 
escape. My time has come. I must marry.” He uttered 
these last words in great agitation, and trembled from 
head to foot. In a few moments he started up and ex- 
claimed, — 

“ I must marry ; — but whom ?” 

He could not answer this question, and held it under 
consideration for several months, without being able to 
arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. 

During this period he witnessed the marriage of Perch 
and the cherub, and waited on Wiggins when the latter 
again led the blushing widow to the altar, and, on a second 
trial, responded pertinently and satisfactorily to the in- 
terrogatories propounded by the parson. His two friends 
vvere now in the midst of domestic bliss, while he was un- 
able to solve the question, which was perplexing him 
during the day and interrupting his slumbers at night. 

While in this condition of mind, he visited the me- 
tropolis of the State, and on a bright sunny, day drove a 
young widow in his buggy to see a magnificent country 
residence, located a few miles from the city, which had just 
been completed, but was not yet occupied by the owner. 
With his fair companion on his arm he entered the build- 
ing, and much time was spent in a critical examination of 
the various apartments, from the hall to the attic. The 
widow at last complained of fatigue, and seated herself 
in one of the parlors. Pate blandly requested her to ex- 
cuse his absence for a few moments, and said that he 
would go down and explore the cellar. The lady waited 
for a long time and then began to feel lonesome, and 
finally becoming quite uneasy, impatiently exclaimed, — 

“ What in the world has become of him?” 

Hardly had these words escaped her lips when she was 
horrified by hearing most singular and startling sounds 
coming up from the cellar below. It seemed as if a mul- 
titude of dogs, of every size and breed, had been let loose, 
and were all yelping and barking at the same time ; while 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


2Y3 


amidst this canine uproar could be distinguished a human 
voice lustily shrieking, — 

“Get out! get out! Help! help! Murder! murder!” 

The lady was astonished and frightened, but had cour- 
age enough to rush towards the scene of action. But as 
soon as she had reached the head of the stairway leading 
to the cellar, a sight met her eyes which compelled her 
to retire ; for modesty forbade her taking any part in the 
strife, although her companion was vastly overpowered 
and sadly in need of assistance. On the stairway stood 
M. T. Pate; having just escaped from the combined 
assault made upon him by a large number of dogs which 
had been temporarily confined in the cellar by the pro- 
prietor of the mansion. The whole of poor Pate’s under- 
garments had been torn from his person, and there he 
stood in a tailless coat and a stout pair of boots, thank- 
ing a merciful Providence for the preservation of his life. 
In this condition he did not dare to appear in the presence 
of his fair companion, and communication was carried on 
between them, by each taking a position in a separate 
apartment and calling to the other in a voice raised to 
a high key. After a prolonged consultation conducted 
in this manner, the widow proposed to leave one of her 
under-garments in the room which she then occupied and 
retreat to another, while he came in and put it on. Poor 
Pate thankfully accepted the loan which the kind lady 
offered him ; being driven to this shift to hide his nudity. 
He and the widow were compelled to remain in that 
lonely mansion until the shades of night covered the 
earth, when he drove her in his buggy back to the city. 
He left her at her door and proceeded with his buggy to 
a livery-stabfe. Here the sight of his strange habiliments 
created great amazement among the hostlers and stable- 
boys ; and when he started up the street in his robes he 
was arrested by the police and carried to a station-house; 
where he spent the whole night weeping and wailing on 
a hard oaken bench. In the morning he was taken be- 
fore a magistrate, where his strange story was listened to 
with wonder mingled with much merriment; and being 
entirely satisfactory, he obtained his discharge, as well as 
the loan of a coat and a pair of pantaloons. 


274 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOrilERS, 


On the following day Pate called upon the widow and 
restored the garment borrowed from her, after the brutal 
assault upon his person in the lonely mansion. She 
blushed when she received it, and sank into a chair over- 
come with emotion. The heart of a woman is an inex- 
plicable puzzle. Newton, with his mighty mind, could 
coniprehend the movements of suns and planets and cal- 
culate their density ; but woman was -to him an incom- 
prehensible problem, even when he pressed the hand of a 
fair lady who sat by his side, and felt that he could make 
so free as to thrust her finger into the bowl of his pipe. 
Wlio can tell what caused the widow to bestow her affec- 
tions on M. T. Pate ? Perhaps, after he had so nearly 
fallen a bleeding victim to canine ferocity, — 

^‘She loved him for the dangers he had passed, 

And he loved her that she did pity them.” 

Upon no other hypothesis can we account for the fact 
that after he had been in constant attendance on the 
widow for several weeks they were married. A few days 
afterwards a carriage drove through the streets of Maple- 
ton, in which sat M. T. Pate and his bride. The event 
was announced in the local newspaper, which also con- 
tained an obituary notice of the death of Samuel Crab- 
stick, who had left a will, by which he bestowed the riches 
he had so carefully boarded on his niece, the beautiful Ida 
Somers. 


CHAPTER XLYIII. 

By the will of her uncle, Ida was in possession of a 
large estate. The fair young girl was without a near rela- 
tive in the world. Colonel Hazlewood kindly undertook 
the management of her property ; and, at the invitation 
of Rosabel and her mother, she made her home in the man- 
sion of the Widow Wild. On a certain day we there find 
her seated in her room and engaged in composition. Her 
little fingers run rapidly over the pages, and soon finish a 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


2*15 


letter of several sheets of gilt-edged note-paper. She 
gazes intently at her own name, written in a beautiful 
hand at the bottom of the last page, and then she kisses 
it. Having so done, she folds the letter, and then opens 
it and imprints another kiss on the same spot. Now, why 
did the young lady kiss her own name written at the end 
of the letter? Love has its unerring instincts, and Ida 
knew that as soon as a certain young gentleman opened 
that letter, and saw the name at the bottom of the last 
page, he would rapturously imprint a multitude of kisses 
on that particular spot. How did the young maiden 
know this? Had she not received a number of letters, 
and as soon as she saw “ Ton»” written at the end of 
each, had she not looked around to ascertain if any one 
was observing her; and then had not her ruby lips kissed 
the beloved name again and again in rapid succession ? 
Thus Tom had been kissing Ida and Ida had been kiss- 
ing Tom,- for the last six months, with a whole continent 
between them. 

The kiss was carefully sealed up in an envelope and 
conveyed to the post-office at Mapleton. The iron mon- 
ster attached to a train of cars, rushing through the hills 
and over the valleys, carried it to New York. A magnifi- 
cent steamer transported it over the Atlantic’s waves, and 
across the Mexican Gulf and the Caribbean Sea to the 
mouth of the Chagres River ; and from thence it traveled 
in a canoe to Gorgona and Cruces ; and then rode on the 
back of a mule to Panama, where another steamer re- 
ceived it, and plowing through the billows of the Pa- 
cific, entered the Golden Gate, and took it as far as San 
Francisco ; and from thence, on another steamer, it pro- 
ceeded up the bay, and entering the river, arrived at the 
city of Sacramento; and then rode on the back of another 
mule across the prairies and among the mountains, and 
was safely deposited in a post-office in a mining-town, 
where Toney Belton was awaiting the arrival of the mail. 
We thus see how many means of transportation were re- 
quired to convey a young lady’s kiss to her lover. 

But where was the lover ? About three miles from 
that post-office, on the side of a ravine, stood a young 
man clad in a pair of loose trousers and a red shirt. He 


2Y6 


THE FUNNY FIIILOSOPnERS, 


appeared to be engaged in culinary operations, and was, 
in fact, cooking flapjacks. His rifle leaned against a tree ; 
his wool hat lay on the ground ; the sleeves of his red 
shirt were rolled up to the elbow ; his long beard was 
parted and tied in a knot behind his neck, so as to escape 
being scorched when he stooped over the lire ; and he 
grasped the handle of a frying-pan, used instead of an 
oven, and watched the effect of the heat upon the mate- 
rial lying in the bottom of the pan. And now he lifts the 
pan from the fire and gives it a peculiar toss,. and up flies 
a flapjack in the air about three feet above the pan, and, 
turning over as it descends, is caught and ready to be 
baked on the other side. Just as this feat was accom- 
plished, a voice cried out, — 

“ Here, Tom, is a letter !” 

Tom dropped the flapjack on the fire, and, in great ex- 
citement, ran to the spot where Toney Belton had just 
dismounted from a mule. The mule kicked at him, but 
Tom dodged, and, receiving the letter, Ijiurried behind a 
pine-tree, and, seating himself on a rock, opened it. He 
turned it over, and seeing the signature, he kissed Ida 
several times in quick succession. Thus was Ida’s kiss, 
after having traveled more than ten thousand miles, 
safely conveyed to Tom’s lips. 

Tom Seddon read the letter and was the happiest man 
in the diggings. When he came to the last line he kissed 
Ida again. Tom read the letter over five times, and at 
the close of each reading his lips approached the paper 
and tenderly pressed it. When he came from behind the 
tree, Toney had eaten all the flapjacks which had been 
baked. He told Toney that old Crabstick was dead and 
that he must go home. 

“ And so must 1,” said Toney. 

‘‘ We will start to-morrow,” said Tom. 

‘‘We will start from the mines to-morrow,” said 
Toney. 

“ I wish you had a hundred thousand dollars,” said 
Tom. 

“I have more than a hundred thousand dollars,” said 
Toney. “Read that.” And he handed Tom a letter 
addressed to himself. Tom read it, and then ran to the 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 21*1 

place where his wool hat lay on the ground, and, seizing 
it, threw it up in the air. 

“ Hurrah I hurrah !” shouted Tom. You can now 
marry Rosabel P’ 


CHAPTER XLIX. 

“ Our sand-hill has been sold,” said Toney, after Tom 
had concluded his enthusiastic demonstrations. 

“ And for five hundred thousand dollars I” said Tom. 

“ Good news for Charley when he comes into eamp.” 

“ It is time he had returned. He and Botts and Her- 
cules have been prospecting since last Monday.” 

“They will be here to-day.” 

“Yonder comes Hercules now. What is that he has 
got? It looks like a coyote.” 

“ No, it is a young deer.” 

Hercules walked up^to the fire, and, nodding his head, 
threw his game on the ground. 

“ Where is Charley ?” asked Toney. 

Hercules pointed with his finger, and the Professor was 
seen approaching. 

“Where is Botts ?” asked Tom. 

“ He is dead,” said Hercules. 

“ Dead !” cried Tom. 

“ Got killed,” said Hercules, laconically ; for he was 
tired and taciturn. 

“ Got killed I” exclaimed Toney. “ How ?” 

“ He’ll tell you,” said Hercules, pointing to the Pro- 
fessor, who now came up 

“ It is true,” said the Professor. “ Botts is no more. 
He met with a violent death.” 

' “ How did it happen ?” asked Toney. 

“ He fell a victim to his ungovernable temper,” said 
the Professor. “ On yesterday morning he and I left 
Hercules cooking some game, and proceeded to a mining- 

24 


278 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


town which we saw at a distance. Botts rode on a mule 
and I walked by his side. As we entered the town, Botts 
called out to a man whom we niet, — 

“ ‘ What place is this V ” 

“ ‘ Yuba Dam,’ said the man. 

“ ‘ What V cried Botts, with a savage look. The man 
made no answer, but went on his way whistling. We 
bad gone a little farther when another man approached us. 

“ ‘ What place is this V asked Botts. 

“ ‘ Yuba Dam,’ said the man. 

What’s that you say V exclaimed Botts, glaring at 
the stranger with a ferocious aspect. The man was 
evidently of a timid disposition. He looked frightened 
and hurried on. Botts swore vehemently, and said that 
the next fellow who cursed him would catch it. As we 
went along we saw a man on the brow of a hill^hich 
rose abruptly from the river. The man had his back 
towards us, and before him, standing on its hind legs, 
was a kangaroo dog. The man seemed to be instructing 
the dog in the art of dancing. 

“ ‘ I say, stranger,’ cried Botts, ‘ what place is this V 

“ ‘ Yuba Dam,’ said the man, without turning around. 

“ Botts uttered a howl of rage and sprang from his 
mule. 

“‘By the powers of mud I’ shouted the man, facing 
about.” 

“ It was Captain Bragg !” exclaimed Toney. 

“ Yes ; it was Bragg,” said the Professor. “ Botts and 
Bragg eyed each other like two angry beasts. Both 
had weapons, but neither thought of drawing them. Each 
sprang at his enemy’s throat. They were soon rolling 
on the ground and fiercely fighting. Botts was up- 
permost, when the kangaroo dog seized him by the sent 
of his breeches. A little bull terrier ran out from a tent 
and caught the kangaroo dog by the throat. Uttering 
howls of rage, and clutching each other by the throat, 
men and dogs rolled over and over, down the hill and into 
the river.” 

“ Into the water?” exclaimed Tom. 

“ Yes; into the water ten feet deep.” 

“ What became of them ?” cried Toney. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 2t9 

“ The dogs ceased to fight and swam ashore/’ said the 
Professor. 

“But the men said Toney. 

“ They continued to clutch each other by the throat, 
and were swept away by the rapid current, and sank to 
rise no more.” 

“ What an awful fate!” exclaimed Toney. 

“ Too awful to talk about,” said the Professor. “ Let 
us select some more pleasant topic of conversation.” 

“ We have good news for you,” said Toney. 

“ What’s that ?” asked the Professor. 

Toney now informed him of the sale of the sand-hill, 
and of their intention to return to the States. A long 
consultation ensued, and by the time it had ended, Her- 
cules had cooked the deer and it had grown dark. While 
they were eating the venison, two men encamped, and 
kindled a fire under a pine-tree, at a distance of about fifty 
yards from where they sat. After Hercules had satisfied 
the keen demands of hunger, he walked off, and, laying 
himself down by the trunk of a fallen tree, was soon in a 
sound sleep. Toney, Tom, and the Professor continued 
their conversation until a late hour. 

“And now, Charley,” said Toney, “as this is to be 
our last night in the mines, let us have some music.” 

“Give us ‘ Oft in the Stilly Night,’ ” said Tom. 

The Professor drew a flute from his pocket and played 
the air which had been requested. As he concluded, a 
clear, manly voice, at the neighboring camp-fire, was 
heard singing : 

The voice ! the voice of music ! 

The melancholy flute ! 

Mournfully on the midnight air, 

When all else is mute ! 

As if some gentle spirit, 

With softly trembling voice, 

Imprisoned in that hollow reed. 

Mourned o’er perished joys ! 

Cease ! cease that mournful music ! 

Oh, cease that plaintive strain ! 

It bids me feel as I would feel 
Never more again I 


280 


THE FUNNY nilLOSOFIIERS, 


The fairest hopes long blighted, 

And youth’s bright visions o’er, 

And joys that shone so heavenly bright, 

Gone for evermore ! 

These mem’ries rush upon me 
With each sweet, mournful air ; 

Then, cease ! in mercy, cease that strain ! 

Forbear ! oh, forbear ! 

“ Good heavens exclaimed Toney, “ I recognize that 
voice I” And he sprang up and ran to the camp-fire. 
Two stalwart young men, in the rough garbs of miners, 
were standing with their backs to the blazing logs. 

“ Harry Vincent !” cried Toney. 

“ Clarence Hastings !” shouted Tom Seddon, as he 
rushed forward and grasped his long-lost friends each by 
the hand. 


CHAPTER L. 

“ What a madman I have been I” cried Harry. 

“ And what a crazy fool I have been for five long 
years !” exclaimed Clarence. 

“ I have been an idiot I” said Harry. 

“ And I have been a brute I” said Clarence, “ to desert 
her as I did !” 

“ She is an angel !” cried Harry. 

“ What must she think of me groaned Clarence. 

“ Let us go back to the States I” said Harry, springing 
up impulsively. 

“ You can’t go to-night. We will all be off in the 
morning,” said Tom Seddon. 

These exclamations were uttered by the two young 
men after a conversation, in which all that has been long 
known to the reader was fully explained. 

In the morning, before the woodpecker’s tap was heard 
on the bark of the lofty pines, the young men were on 
their feet, and making preparations for their departure. 

“Where is Hercules?” asked Toney. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, 


281 


“ He is sleeping by the side of yonder old log,” said 
Tom. 

“I will wake him,” said Toney. And he proceeded to^ 
the spot pointed out, and came running back as pale as a 
ghost. 

“ What’s the matter ?” asked Tom. 

Toney could hardly speak. He gasped out, — 

“ A rattlesnake is coiled up on his blanket I” 

Tom Seddon was about to run to the spot, when Harry 
Vincent held him back. 

“ Hush I” said Harry. “ Make no noise, or he is a 
dead man !” 

He and Clarence then took their rifles and advanced 
cautiously to the place where Hercules lay in a sound 
sleep. The reptile was coiled up with its head nearly 
touching his shoulder. Harry put the muzzle of his rifle 
within an inch of the snake’s head and fired. 

Hercules leaped up and uttered a howl. He turned 
round and beheld two strange men standing before him 
with rifles in their hands. With a wild yell of terror the 
giant fled across the ravine, and along a road leading over 
a mountain. 

“Come back! come back!” shouted Toney. 

But Hercules continued his flight. 

“ Mount that mule, Tom, and ride after him, or the 
fool won’t stop running until he gets to Oregon,” said 
Toney. 

Tom mounted the mule, and, after a long chase, cap- 
tured the giant and brought him back to camp. 

“ Look there I” said Tom, pointing to the decapitated 
serpent. 

“ Was that it ?” said Hercules. “He’s a whopper !” 
And he stooped down and examined the dead body of his 
bed-fellow. 

“ Eighteen rattles and a button I” said Tom. 

“Which indicate that he has lived twenty-one years,” 
said Clarence. 

“The snake had arrived at years of discretion,” said 
the Professor. 

“ He showed very little discretion in selecting Hercules 
for a sleeping partner,” said Toney. 

24 * 


282 


THE FUNNY PHIL OS OPE ERS, 


“ The firm of Hercules & Co. would be a dangerous 
one to deal with,’’ said the Professor. 

“ To avoid it would have been prudent during the life- 
time of his deceased partner,” said Toney. 

“ What are you going to do with them?” asked Tom, 
as Hercules cut off the rattles and put them in his pocket. 

“ Carry them with me to the States, when I go,” said 
Hercules. 

“ We are going back now,” said Tom. 

“Are you going?” asked Hercules. 

“ Yes,” said Tom ; “ we are getting ready to start.” 

“ I will go too,” said Hercules ; “ 1 have got gold 
enough.” 

“ What will you do with your gold when you get 
home ?” asked Tom. 

“ Buy a farm, and then ” Hercules hesitated and 

blushed. 

“ Well, what then?” asked Toney. 

“ I will marry my little cousin,” said the giant. 

“ That’s right !” said Toney. 

“AVho is your little cousin?” asked Tom. 

“ Polly Sampson. She is a very little woman, but she 
is very pretty.” 

“ Well, come help us to pack up, and we will all be 
off,” said Tom. 

“ And you can go home and marry Polly Sampson,” 
said Toney. 

Hercules went to work with alacrity, and they were 
soon packed up, and on the road to Sacramento ; which 
place they reached late at night, and on the following 
evening were in San Francisco. They were detained in 
the city of Saint Francis several days ; and the business 
relating to the sale of their sand-hill having been com- 
pleted, Toney, Tom, and the Professor went on board the 
steamer with their fortunes in their money-belts, in the 
shape of drafts on banking-houses in New York. They 
soon passed through the Golden Gate and were on the 
broad waters of the Pacific Ocean. The weather was 
fine, and the vessel was remarkable for her speed. In a 
few days they were running along in sight of the coast 
of Lower California, and about two leagues from the 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS, 


283 


land. The Professor was on deck, with a telescope in 
his hand, looking at the desolate coast, when he suddenly 
cried out, — 

“ There are several persons standing on the beach.’’ 

“ They are pelicans,” said the captain, “ At a distance 
they are often mistaken for human beings.” 

“Human beings they are,” said the Professor; “and, 
good heavens ! there is a woman among, them. They 
have a white handkerchief elevated as a signal of distress.” 

The captain took the telescope, and, after looking 
through it, said, — 

“ You are right. There are several men ; and there is 
a woman among them.” 

“ This coast is uninhabited,” said the Professor. “ Who 
can they be ?” 

“ Persons escaped from some wreck,” said the captain. 

“Put the ship about! Run her in towards the land! 
They must be rescued !” cried the Professor. 

“ I dare not do it ; the water is shoal,” said the cap- 
tain. “ We must stop the engines and lower a boat.” 

The order was given ; the engines stop, and the boat 
lowered, and into it leaped Toney and the Professor ; 
while six seamen manned the oars. The boat put off from 
the vessel ; and the sailors pulling with a will, they were 
soon approaching the shore. Several men were seen 
standing on a rock, and one of them was waving a white 
handkerchief. They cheered, and were responded to by 
the loud huzzas of the party in the boat, which grounded 
within a few yards of the shore. The Professor’s gaze 
was intently fixed on some object at the base of the rock. 

It was a young and beautiful woman. She was stand- 
ing, with her eyes upturned and her hands clasped, as 
if thanking Heaven for their deliverance. 

The Professor leaped into the water, and rushed to 
the beach. He stood for a moment gazing at. the beautiful 
girl. He then rushed forward and exclaimed, — 

“Dora!” 

As she heard his voice she started ; and then, with a 
joyful cry of recognition, uttered his name, and was 
caught in his arms as, overcome with emotion, she was 
falling to the ground. 


284 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER LL 

Major Stanhope, the father of Dora, and an oflScer in 
the army of the United States, had been stationed at San 
Francisco. His wife was dead and he had no child ex- 
cept Dora. They had resided in California about a year, 
when the gallant soldier, who had never recovered from 
the effects of a wound received in the storming of Cha- 
pultepec, found his health rapidly failing, and was soon 
removed to another sphere of existence. Dora’s nearest 
relative, her father’s sister, resided in the State of Vir- 
ginia, and the young girl had taken passage on a vessel 
bound for Panama, with the intention of returning to the 
place of her nativity and residing with her aunt. The 
vessel was old and unseaworthy, and went to pieces 
in a violent storm encountered off the coast of Lower 
California. The boats in which the crew and passen- 
gers sought safety were swamped, with the exception of 
one, which reached the shore in a leaky condition ; and 
if the Professor had not happened to take up the captain’s 
telescope when he did, Dora and the six other human 
beings, who were thus discovered, would have perished 
on that desolate coast. 

In a romantic valley of the Old Dominion Dora and 
the Professor had known each other in former days. The 
young man had tenderly loved the beautiful maiden, and 
his affection was secretly reciprocated ; but on a certain 
occasion, while under the influence of temporary pique or 
caprice, Dora had rejected the man whom she deeply and 
sincerely loved, and they met no more, until, after the 
lapse of seven long years, fate brought them together on 
the shores of the Pacific Ocean. 

The weather continued to be fine, and the day after 
Dora had been brought on board, she had recovered from 
the effects of fatigue and exposure and came on deck 
with a beautiful bloom ou her cheeks. The deportment 
of the Professor was now strangely altered. He was no 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


285 


longer the man of wit and humor, and during the remain- 
der of the voyage never uttered a joke. When the young 
maiden was on deck, he was constantly at her side, and 
when she retired to her state-room, he would sit for hours 
in a mood of mental abstraction. 

“ What is the matter with him?” said Tom to Toney, 
as, on a certain night, they were pacing to and fro on 
deck and puffing their cheroots. “ Yonder he sits, gazing 
at the moon, and won’t talk to anybody. What do you 
think he called me just now?” 

“ What ?” asked Toney. 

“ He called me Miss Dora.” 

“ Did he ?” said Toney, laughing. 

“ He did, indeed.” 

“ It was by way of retaliation,” said Toney. 

“ Retaliation ? How ?” 

“You used to call him Ida.” 

“ When ?” 

“When you were in Doubting Castle.” 

“What sort of a place is that ?” 

“ You ought to know ; you dwelt in it for some time. 
Poor Charley is in Doubting Castle. Let him alone. 
He will soon get out. I have observed the demeanor of 
the young lady when they were together, and I know, 
from certain unmistakable signs, that Charley will not 
have to listen to another negative. All is right. He 
will soon be the same jovial and agreeable companion he 
has hitherto been.” 

“ He is a very disagreeable fellow now,” said Tom. 

“ He used to say the same thing of you when you 
called him Ida, and would not let him sleep with your 
incessant somniloquism.” 

“ I think we should call ourselves the Silent Philoso- 
phers,” said Tom. “ Harry and Clarence are thoughtful 
arid taciturn, except when they are complaining about the 
slowness of the vessel. As for Charley, I believe he 
would not care if we were on a voyage of circumnaviga- 
tion around the globe, now he has Dora on board.” 

“ Our voyage on the Pacific is ended,” said Toney. 
“Yonder is Panama.” 

“ Where ?” cried Tom. 


286 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


“ Do you not see the lights along the land V' said 
Toney. 

The voice of the captain was now heard issuing orders, 
which satisfied Tom that they were about to go into 
port. 


CHAPTER LII. 

On the following morning, having landed on the soil 
of Central America, they started across the Isthmus. 
Dora rode on a little mule, and the Professor walked by 
her side, holding the bridle. Toney and Tom, with 
Clarence and Harry, proceeded on foot, Hercules bring- 
ing up the rear with a huge club in his hand. It was 
wonderful to witness the tender solicitude of the Professor 
for Dora. Along the road were a number of small houses, 
where the natives sold fruit and coffee to travelers, who 
came in crowds after a steamer had arrived at Panama. 
At these houses Dora’s mule would halt, and the Pro- 
fessor would go in, and come forth with a nice cup of 
coffee; and as the young maiden put it to her lips her 
beautiful blue eyes would be peeping over the top of the 
cup at the smiling face of her escort with a most tender 
expression. He would then select the most delicious 
fruit and hand it to Dora, who would receive it with a 
sweet smile, which made some of the rough miners, pass- 
ing, imagine that an angel sat on the back of the little 
mule. 

Toney and his companions frequently halted to rest ; 
and Dora’s mule was far in advance of them on the road. 
When within a short distance of Cruces, they came to 
the spot where the anchor lay, near the side of the road. 
Here they beheld Dora and the Professor seated on the 
anchor and the mule quietly cropping the grass. 

“Look yonder!” said Tom. And he started towards 
the pair seated on the anchor. 

“ Come on 1” said Toney, with a peculiar look. Tom 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 28t 

took the hint, and, with his companions, continued to 
walk on in the direction of Cruces. 

“All’s right !” said Toney, in a whisper, to Tom. “ The 
anchor is the emblem of hope.” 

“ Do you think he will now get out of Doubting 
Castle ?” asked Tom. 

“ I know it,” said Toney. “ Let us move on. Yonder 
is Cruces.” 

They stopped at the public house where Wiggins and 
his companions found the unfortunate M. T. Pate wash- 
ing a bottle. In about an hour the Professor arrived, 
leading Dora’s little mule by the bridle. The Profes- 
sor’s face was radiant with happiness ; and Dora’s cheeks 
were covered with a multitude of the most beautiful 
blushes. Toney and Tom exchanged looks of peculiar 
significance. 

The young lady rested at the public house ; while the 
Professor walked with Toney and his companions to the 
river, where they hired canoes to convey them to Chagres. 
While they were bargaining with the negroes who were 
to row them down the river, the Professor uttered a 
number of jokes, which satisfied Tom that he was going 
to be an agreeable fellow again. As they were returning 
to the public house, the Professor took Toney aside, and 
informed him that, while seated on the anchor in the wood, 
he had again earnestly entreated Dora to assist him in his 
search for domestic bliss and connubial felicity. 

“Well,” said Toney; “ and what was the result?” 

“ The proposition was decided in the affirmative,” said 
the Professor. 

Toney grasped the Professor’s hand, and shook it 
violently. 

“ Shall I tell Tom ?” asked Toney. 

“ You may, but with the injunction of secrecy,” said 
the Professor. 

Tom was informed of the event which had occurred on 
Pizarro’s anchor in the wood, and he laid hold on the 
Professor and hugged him. 

“ Confound it, Tom I” said the Professor. “ You hug 
like a cinnamon bear.” 

“ I can’t help it !” said Tom. “ I am so glad 1 And 


288 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


Toney has a hundred thousand dollars. Hurrah I 
hurrah !” 

“ When we get home, let no one know that I have a 
hundred thousand dollars,” said Toney. 

‘‘ Why not?” asked Tom. 

“I wish the Widow Wild to suppose that I have come 
home as poor as I was when I left,” said Toney. “ I 
will explain my reasons hereafter, and may need your 
assistance.” 

“ Can’t I tell Ida ?” asked Tom. * 

“ Rosabel and Ida must be informed; but with the in- 
junction of secrecy. Do you promise to conceal my good 
fortune ?” 

“ I do ; I will say nothing, except by your permission.” 

On the following day they arrived at Chagres, and took 
passage for New York, which city they reached after a 
pleasant voyage, and on the next day were in Baltimore. 
Here the Professor left them, and accompanied Dora to 
her home in Virginia. Toney and his friends arrived in 
Mapleton at night. They urged Clarence and Harry to 
remain here until morning ; but the two young men were 
impatient to reach Bella Vista, and, taking leave of Toney 
and Tom, were wafted away in the direction of the homes 
from which they had been absent during five long years. 

When Clarence Hastings and Harry Vincent ap- 
proached Bella Vista it was midnight. In their impa- 
tience, each young man had put his head out the window 
of a car. 

“ Good heavens ! what means that light ?” cried Clar- 
ence. 

“ The town’s on fire I” exclaimed Harry. 

On rushed the iron horse, and as they entered the 
town the street was illuminated by a conflagration. 

Around the mansion of Colonel Hazlewood are collected 
excited crowds of people. Flames are bursting from the 
roof, and nearly the whole interior is in a blaze. The in- 
mates had been aroused by the cry of fire, in the middle 
of the night, and all have escaped. No ; not all I Where 
are Imogen and Claribel ? Their shrieks are heard ; they 
are in the burning house, and surrounded by the crack- 
ling flames. 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


289 


“My child! my child!” cries the gray-haired Colonel 
Hazlewood in an agony. He rushes into the building, 
and attempts to ascend the stairway, which is on fire. 
Sulfocated by the dense smoke, he falls back insensible, 
and is dragged from the door. 

“ Bring ladders I bring ladders !” is shouted by a num- 
ber of voices ; but no ladders are at hand 

“ Oh, Grod ! oh, God! must they perish ? Can nobody 
save them ?” are the exclamations heard on every side. 
Several men rush into the house and are driven back by 
the smoke and the intense heat. While all stand still, 
with horror depicted in their countenances, two men come 
running with frantic speed to the spot. In an instant 
they seem to comprehend the danger of the young females, 
whose shrieks are heard from an upper chamber. Into 
the midst of the smoke and flames they rush, ascend the 
stairway, regardless of the scorching heat, and in a mo- 
ment are seen leaping through a window upon the roof of 
a portico, each holding in his arms the form of a woman 
who has fainted. A loud shout goes up from the crowd. 
A ladder has been brought, and the two men descend, 
and rush to the opposite side of the street with their 
loveh' burdens in their arms, as, with a terrific crash, the 
burning roof falls in. Colonel Hazlewood, recovering 
from his swoon, staggers across the street to utter his 
thanks. 

“ Harry Vincent!” he exclaimed. And Imogen opens 
her eyes and beholds her long-lost lover, while Claribel is 
still unconscious in the arms of Clarence Hastings. 


25 


290 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


CHAPTER LIIL 

The happiest month of Tom Seddon’s life had rolled 
round, — the month preceding his marriage with the beauti- 
ful Ida. Toney Belton also seemed happy, and so did 
Rosabel, and the only discontented person in the Widow 
Wild’s mansion was the widow herself. Nothing had 
been told her about the sale of the sand-hill ; and the 
eight thousand dollars, the amount of gold which Toney 
acknowledged he had gathered by hard labor in the mines, 
made but a small portion of the sum necessary to consti- 
tute a fortune for a gentleman. The widow was dissat- 
isfied with Fate on account of her hard dealings with 
Toney Belton. 

Rosabel knew better. Under the injunction of secrecy, 
she and Ida had been made acquainted with the good 
fortune of their lovers, and knew that they were in the 
possession of wealth. Toney had considerable difficulty, 
however, to induce Rosabel to co-operate with him in his 
plans for giving the widow an agreeable surprise. 

“ Wl]y not go to my mother ami ask her to consent to 
our marriage said Rosabel. “ She would interpose no 
objection, and you could inform her of your good fortune 
afterwards.” 

“ Rosabel,” said Toney, “ when your mother, years 
ago, said, in my presence, with peculiar emphasis, that no 
man should marry her daughter who was not worth a 
hundred thousand dollars, 1 made a solemn vow never 
to ask her con.sent ” 

“ You did ?” exclaimed Rosabel. 

“Yes; not even if I should some day be worth a 
million. I cannot break my vow.” 

“I must consult with Ida,” said Rosabel. 

“ Do so,” said Toney. 

On the following day Tom and Ida were to be married. 
Toney and Rosabel were to accompany them to the 
church; and the widow would receive them at her house 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


291 


after the marriage ceremony was performed. Tom and 
the widow were alone in earnest conversation. 

“ I would not swop with Adam if he were here with his 
Eden,” said Tom. “ There could be but one addition to 
my happiness.” 

“ What is that ?” asked the widow. 

‘‘ I have a friend who dearly loves a young lady, and 
has loved her all his life ; but he is supposed to be poor.” 

“ Well, what of that?” said the widow. 

“ He has not obtained her parent’s consent to their 
marriage,” said Tom. 

“ Is your friend a worthy man — a clever fellow ?” asked 
the widow. 

“ He is, indeed,” said Tom. “ I know of but one man 
who is his equal in all noble qualities.” 

“ Who is that?” asked the widow. 

“ Toney Belton,” said Tom. 

“ If your friend is like Toney Belton, he is good enough 
to marry an emperor’s daughter,” said the widow. 

“ But the young lady’s parent — her mother — may not 
consent on account of his poverty,” said Tom. 

“ Let your friend marry the young lady, and obtain 
her mother’s approbation afterwards,” said the widow, 
with much decision in her tone. 

“ Is that your advice ?” asked Tom. 

“ It is,” said the widow. “ A parent is a fool to 
object to a man who can be compared with Toney 
Belton.” 

“ I want my friend to be married when I am,” said 
Tom. 

“ Well, let him be married at the same time,” said the 
widow. 

“ But where are they to go until the young lady’s 
parent becomes reconciled ?” asked Tom. 

“ Bring them here,” said the widow; “ I will welcome 
them, and they can remain here until the foolish mother 
becomes reconciled.” 

“ I will do so,” said Tom. And he hurried away to 
inform Rosabel and Toney of the widow’s advice. 

“ You will not act contrary to your mother’s wishes ?” 
«aid Toney to Rosabel. 


292 


THE FUNNY rillLOSOniERS, 


‘‘ Certainly not,” said Rosabel, with a sweet smile. 
‘‘I have always been an obedient daughter.” 

On the day appointed for the wedding, a carriage, con- 
taining Ida and Rosabel, Toney and Tom, was driven 
away from the widow’s door to the church. In about an 
hour the Widow Wild heard the sound of wheels on the 
avenue, and rushed to the porch. As Tom handed Ida 
out, the widow caught the beautiful bride in her arms, 
and kissed her with tender affection. She congratulated 
the newly-married couple, and then said to Tom, — 

“ But where is your friend ?” 

“ Here he is,” said Tom, pointing to Toney, who was 
getting from the carriage. 

“ What ! Toney ?” 

Tom nodded. 

“ Is Toney your friend ?” 

“ He is, and ever has been, the best and noblest of 
friends,” said Tom. 

“ But is Toney married ?” cried the widow, turning pale. 

“ He is,” said Tom. 

“ Where is his wife ?” gasped the widow. 

“ Let me introduce you to her,” said Toney, as he 
handed the blushing Rosabel from the carriage. 

“ What ? Rosabel ?” 

“ Rosabel,” said Toney. 

“ Rosabel married ?” 

Yes.” 

“ To whom ?” 

“To Toney Belton.” 

The widow was speechless for a moment. She then • 
took Toney and Rosabel each by the hand, and said, — 

“Now, tell me, — are you two married ?” 

“We are indeed,” said Toney. 

The widow kissed Rosabel, and then threw her arms 
around Toney’s neck and kissed him. And then Mrs. 
Wild blubbered out, — 

“Toney, why did you do so?” 

“ I thought you would not let me have Rosabel.” 

“Toney Belton, you were a fool! You might have 
had Rosabel five years ago if you had asked me.” 

“ Did you not always say that no man should marry your 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


293 


daughter unless he was worth a hundred thousand 
dollars 

“ And were you not worth a hundred thousand dollars 
five years ago 

“ I ?” 

“ Yes ; — you. A man with nobility of mind, and heart, 
and soul,” said the widow, “is worth more than a hun- 
dred thousand dollars to the woman who marries him ; 
while many a mean fellow, who has a hundred thousand 
dollars in his possession, is not worth a pinch of snufif.” 


CHAPTER LIY. 

About a week after they were married, Toney and Tom, 
with their brides, went to Bella Vista, and witnessed the 
union of Harry Vincent and Imogen Hazlewood, and of 
Clarence Hastings and Claribel Carrington. Upon his 
return to Mapleton, Toney received a letter from the Pro- 
fessor, informing him of his marriage with Dora. Dora’s 
aunt having died, about six months before their arrival in 
Virginia, she had no near relative ; and her husband had 
determined to purchase an estate near Mapleton, where 
they would, in future, reside. Toney was authorized to 
enter into negotiations for the purchase of the property. 

While Toney and Tom were standing near the post- 
office, conversing about the contents of the Professor’s 
letter, Seddon suddenly exclaimed, — 

“ Look I — look yonder I” 

On the opposite side of the street they beheld what 
appeared to be a procession of giants and dwarfs. In 
front walked Cleopatra with little Love on her arm. Next 
followed Theodosia with Dove, who looked like a pigmy 
by her side. After them came Sophonisba with Bliss ; 
and in the rear was Hercules with a very pretty but un- 
usually diminutive woman. The giant could not stoop 
25 * 


294 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS, 


to give her his arm, but led her by the hand. The pro- 
cession passed on, and entered the house of Gideon 
Foot. 

“ Who in the world was that little woman asked Tom. 

“ His wife,^’ said Toney. 

“ Is Hercules married 

“ He was married about a week ago to his little cousin 
Polly Sampson. He bought a farm adjoining that of 
Moses, whose father is dead. Hercules lives out there 
with his little wife, and has, I suppose, brought her into 
town on a visit to his relations.” 

“And what has become of Moses?” asked Tom. 

“ Moses is also married.” 

“ He is ?” exclaimed Tom, in astonishment. 

“ Yes ; he is married notwithstanding his dread of the 
female sex.” 

, “ How did it ever happen ?” 

“ By the death of his father, Moses became a landed 
proprietor, and is the owner of a fine farm in a high state 
of cultivation. Several enterprising young maidens en- 
deavored to make an impression on his heart; but he 
could not be induced to go into their society until, on a 
certain occasion, there was a rural festival in the neigh- 
borhood, called an apple-butter boiling.” 

“ Did Moses go to that?” 

“ He would not have gone had not some waggish young 
farmers first put him in an abnormal condition, by the 
consumption of a considerable quantity of hard cider. 
The cider imparted a wonderful degree of courage, and 
Moses went to the festival, where be soon found him- 
self surrounded by rustic beauties. Moses drank more 
cider and became more courageous. Finally, as he sat 
in a corner with a pretty maiden, he popped the ques- 
tion. ” 

“ He did ?” 

“ The young maiden said ‘ Yes ’ with a sweet smile, and 
looked so pretty that Moses kissed her.” 

“ Great thunder!” cried Tom. 

“ When Moses got sober he was greatly alarmed ; but 
it was too late to recede. More than twenty people had 


OR WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS. 


295 


heard his promise of marriage. The young woman’s father 
threatened to hav^e a suit brought for breach of promise ; 
and her big brother said that he would cudgel the swain 
if he proved false to his engagement. So Moses, dread- 
fully frightened, was led like a lamb to the altar, and 
now has a vpry pretty wife, and looks contented and 
happy.” 

Toney purchased the property for his friend, and in a 
few weeks the Professor and Dora arrived with the inten- 
tion of making it their permanent home. Tom became 
the owner of an adjoining estate. The three friends, with 
their wives, frequently assembled in the parlor of the 
Widow Wild, with whom Toney and Rosabel continued 
to reside after their marriage. Not long subsequent to 
the arrival of the Professor and Dora, Clarence and Harry, 
with Claribel and Imogen, came to Mapbton on a visit. 
During the conversation of the evening, Tom asked Toney 
if he still adhered to the opinion which he once so emphat- 
ically expressed as they sat on the veranda of the hotel 
in Bella Yista. 

“ What was that ?” asked Toney. 

“That the right man is never married to the right 
woman.” 

“ No ; I do not,” said Toney, with emphasis. And he 
looked at Rosabel. 

“ There must be a recantation of such opinions when 
experience has demonstrated their fallacy,” said the Pro- 
fessor, with a look of tender affection at Dora. Each hus- 
band looked at his wife, and each wife returned the glance ; 
and it was evident that the ladies and gentlemen present 
were unanimously of opinion that the right men had been 
married to the right women. 

“ And what has become of the Mystic Order of Seven 
Sweethearts ?” asked Tom. 

“ The organization has been destroyed by a power 
which man has never been able to resist,” said Toney. 

“ What is that?” asked Rosabel. 

“ Love,” said her husband. 

“Amor vincit omnia , said the Professor, as he arose 
from his seat j and, bidding his friends good-night, con- 


296 


THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS. 


ducted Dora to their carriage. As they rode homeward, 
Dora inquired the meaning of those Latin words, and 
they were translated by her husband ; and she now learned 
that even the stern old Romans recognized and acknowl- 
edged the 

Omnipotence of Love. 


THE END. 


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.—Charleston Courier. 


The Great Emfress. An Historical Portrait. By 

Professor Schele de Vere, of the University of Virginia. I2ma 
Extra cloth. $1:75. 

“This portrait of Agrippina is drawn I almost dramatic in its interest” — N. Y. 
with great distinctness, and the book is 1 Observer. 


PUBLICATIONS OF J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO. 


True Love. By Lady di Deauclerk., author of 

“ A Summer and Winter in Norway,” etc. i2mo. Fine cloth. 


$1.25. 

“ Is a pleasing little story well told.” — 
N. r. Independent. 

” This pleasantly told love story presents 
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the reader.” — Pittsburg Gazette. 


“ Many of the scenes of her novel are 
drawn with truth and vigor. . . . The in- 
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— Hearth and Home. 


Carhno. By the author of Doctor AntonioL 

“ Lorenzo Benoni,” etc. 8vo. Illustrated. Paper cover. 35 cents. 


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the best delineations of character that has 
been written lately.” — Phila. Day. 

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“ Strange and deeply interesting.” — M. 
y. Hearth and Home. 


Walter Ogilby. A Novel. By Mrs. f. H. Kin^ 

zie, author of “ Wau-bun, etc.” Two volumes in one vol. 121110. 
619 pages. Toned paper. Extra cloth. $2. 


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have had the pleasure of reading for some 
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constructed incidents. Even the graduat- 
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of freshness as well as reality. This is 
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Press. 


Askaros Kassis^ the Co^t. A Romance of Modern 

Egypt. By Edwin de Leon, late U. S. Con.sui-General for Egypt. 
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vivid reproduction of Eastern life and man- 
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“ He has written us this thrilling tale, 


based on mi.scellaneous facts, which he 
calls ‘A Romance of Modern Egypt,’ and 
in which he vividly depicts the life of 
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Beyond the Breakers. A Story of the Present 

Day. By the Hon. Robert Dale Owen. 8vo. Illustrated. 
Fine cloth. $2. 


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thought will feel attracted and impressed 
Dy it. . . . We have, for ourselves, read it 
with deep interest and with genuine plea- 


sure, and can say tor it that which we 
could say of few novels of to-day — that 
we hope some time to read it over again.” 
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Co7npensation ; or^ Always a Future. A Novel. By 

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clined. as much useful information may be 
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“We recommend this book to all who 
are not longing for agony ; for such patrons 


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North A merican. 

“The writer exhibits a happy talent for 
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PUBLICATIONS OF J. B. LIPPINCOTT <Sr» CO, 


The American Beaver and his Works, By Lewis 

H. Morgan, author of “The League of the Iroquois.” Hand- 
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numerous Wood-Cuts. One 
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“ The book may be pronounced an ex- 
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•cience.” — N. Y. Herald. 

“ The book is an octavo of three hun- 
dred and thirty pages, on very thick paper, 
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vol. 8vo. Tinted paper. Cloth 


criptive treatise on the subject of which it 
treats, and will form a standard for those 
who are seeking knowledge in this de- 
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Traveler. 


The Autobiography of Dr, Benjamin Franklin, 

The first and only complete edition of Franklin’s Memoirs. Printed 
from the original MS. With Notes and an Introduction. Edited 
by the Hon. John Bigelow, late Minister of the United States to 
France. With Portrait from a line Engraving on Steel. Large 
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"The discovery of the original auto- 
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He has engaged in his task with the en- 
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completed it in a manner highly credit- 
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New York Tribune. 

‘‘ Every one who has at heart the honor 
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Transcript 


The Dervishes, History of the Dervishes; or. 

Oriental Spiritualism. By John P. Brown, Interpreter of the 
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great deal of personal observation. It 
treats, in an exhaustive manner, of the 
belief and principles of the Dervishes. 


. . . On the whole, this is a thoroughly 
original work, which cannot fail to be- 
come a book of reference." — The Philada. 
Press. 


Hew America, By Wm, Hepworth Dixon, Fourth 

edition. Crown 8vo. With Illustrations. Tinted paper. Extra 
cloth, $2.75. 


- In this graphic volume Mr. Dixon I ly, vigorously and truthfully, under every 
iketches American en and women sharp- \ i&'gtox:'— Dublin UniversUy Magazine. 


PUB Lie A TIONS OF J. B. LIPPINCOTT <&* CO, 


The Old MarrHsellds Secret, After the German 

of E. Marlitt, author of “Gold Elsie,” “Countess Gisela,” && 
By Mrs. A. L. Wister. Sixth edition. i2mo. Cloth, i^i.75. 


“A more charming story, and one which, 
having once commenced, it seemed more 
difficult to leave, we have not met with for 
many a day.” — The Rou?td Table. 

“Is one of the most intense, concentrated, 
compact novels of the day. . . . And the 
work has the minute fidelity of the author 


of ‘The Initials,’ the dramatic unity 0/ 
Reade, and the graphic power of Georgt 
Elliot.” — Columbus {O.) youmal.^ 
“Appears to be one of the most interest- 
ing stories that we have had from Europe 
for many a day.” — Boston Traveler. 


Gold Elsie, Erom the German of E, Marlitt^ 

author of the “ Old Mam’selle’s Secret,” “ Countess Gisela,” &c. 
By Mrs. A. L. Wister. Fifth edition. i2mo. Cloth, j^i.75. 


“ A charming story charmingly told.”— - 
Baltimore Gazette. 


From the German of E, Mur- 
' The Old Mam’selle’s Secret,” “ Gold Elsie,” 
&C. By Mrs. A. L. Wister. Third Edition. 


“A charming book. It absorbs your 
attention from the, title-page to the end.” — 
The Home Circle. 

Countess Gisela 

litt, author of 
“ Over Yonder, 
i2mo. Cloth, ^1.75. 

“ There is more dramatic power in this 
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BDthor that we have read.” — N.O. Times. 
“ It is a story that arouses the interest 


of the reader from the outset” — Pittsburg 
Gazette. 

“The best work by this author.”-* 
Philada. Telegraph. 


Over Yonder, From the German of E, Marlitt^ 

author of “Countess Gisela,” “Gold Elsie,” &c. Third edition. 
With a full-page Illustration. 8vo. Paper cover, 30 cts. 


‘“Over Yonder’ is a charming novel- 
ette. The admirers of ‘ Old Mam’selle’s 
Secret’ will give it a glad reception, while 
those Wv are ignorant of the merits of 


this author will find in it a pleasant in- 
troduction to the works of a gifted writer.” 
— Daily Sentinel. 


'r 


Three Thousand Miles Jhr^gh the Rocky Moun 


tains. By A. K McClure." Ill#traEe<!0 lilno. Tinted paper 


Extra cloth, $2. 

k 

“ Those wishing to post themselves on 
the subject of that magnificent and ex- 
traordinary Rocky Mountain dominion 
should read the Colonel’s book.” — New 
Va- k Times. 

“ The work makes one of the most satis- 
factory itineraries that has been given to 
us from this region, and must be read 
with both pleasure and profit.” — Philada. 
North A m.trican. 

“We have never seen a book of Western 
travels which so thoroughly and completely 
utisfied us as this, nor one written in such 


'7 “4 

agreeanle and charming style.” — Bradford 
Reporter. 

“ The letters contain many incidents of 
Indian life and adventures of travel which 
impart novel charms to them.” — Chicago 
Evening Journal. 

“ The book is full of useful information. *' 
— New York rndependent. 

“ Let him who would have some proper 
conception of the limitless material rich- 
ness of the Rocky Mountain region, read 
this Charleston {S. C.) Courier. 






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